Rhoda's Daily Journal

Woman loses arm to flesh-eating bacteria from bath salts

2012-01-15T11:36:00.000-06:00

Woman loses arm to flesh-eating bacteria from bath salts

Lawmakers Push For Ban On Bath Salts

2012-01-05T21:27:00.000-06:00

Pre-Christmas

2011-12-21T13:47:00.002-06:00

This isn't my first Christmas to be broke for the holidays, but it is the first for a while. I wouldn't care except for the kids. That hurts. We don't even have a tree But Philly called last night and said he has one for us. And Thanks to Jenny we have some gifts for Kira and Jessalynn, the two I worry about the most. But it still feels pretty bleak. I have always hated Christmas. Even when I can afford to buy for all I care about I hate thinking about those who can't. I hate that children are told that Santa gives them gifts according to how good they are during the year. I never taught my girls that and I wish no one did. We talk a lot about children who have low self esteem and feed it early with crap like this. I hear people talking about how they dislike all the commercialization a lot but I am the only one I ever hear talking about this. Why?

December 2011

2011-12-11T15:19:00.001-06:00

I didn't tell my children that there was a Santa. Not just because we were in a cult that didn't recognize it but because I hated so many things about it. Number 1: Kids are taught ~~that~~ they get what they ask for if they are good. Yea, I hate the whole commercialization thing, too, but that is what burns me up the most. How many children who are poor think they weren't good enough??? And we are poor this year. I'm sure Nett's kids will get gifts from their father's family, Jazz will be taken care of by Meez, but what about Jessalynn and our Kira??? I worry about Jessalynn the most. Kira is too little to really care much. I think Jessalynn doubts the whole Santa thing but she is trying to believe this year again and I just feel like telling her the truth. It will still burn that she gets so little but I think it would sting less. She tells me that there are kids in her class saying there is no Santa and adds that those kids will be on the naughty list and not get presents. I have a gift for her stashed but no hope for getting her or anyone else anything else. Jeremy's unemployment never started, not sure why because he is a doush who hasn't bothered to call and check. Jenny checked with Toys for Tots but they say they are out of gifts. Patrick has never contributed to the Santa thing and always says he has a limit like $20 that he can spend on her.

My phone is off this month and I lost my auto insurance. I am not sure how we will even just survive. Jaz and Kira are finally in diapers during the day which saves a lot of money. Jeanette is taking care of herself and her children more which helps, too. but we are living on my SSI and the little we get for Kira and there are no extras at all. Jeremy is always looking for work but there is little to find that he can do and there is always the stress of how he will get back and forth without getting in a wreck. With the accidents we didn't profit on iota when he was working last time. We still have to pay a $350. fine for his last ticket for reckless driving in the next two months.

Santa must die.

Trick or Treat

2011-11-01T11:42:00.002-06:00

Jeremy, Nett, Jenny and I took the seven kids trick or treating last night. We got a late start (again!), readying all the kids is tricky! and people seemed to run out of candy pretty early but it was fun. We sped over to Cherry Hills and there were as few places that went all out which the kids really liked. Jessalynn was a vampire, Jenise a witch, Robby Luigi, Riley Spiderman, Jaz a Tiger, Kira was Batgirl, and Kegan was Woody, all too too cute!!!!! We went to Walmart and bought them a bunch more candy before going home so everyone has plenty!!!!

Moving On

2011-10-29T10:34:00.001-06:00

We've moved. Jeremy lost his job yesterday and a few hours later the tranny blew on my van.
Ah, these are the days of our lives.....
Not sure if Jeremy losing his job is terrible, I pretty much have been expecting it daily. He has been working in Valley for about two months. I didn't tell him about the job for a long time after I found out about it because of the long drive and his driving record. He wrecked his car several times in the short time he has bee working there. He still has to go to court on one of them and his car looks like crapola. Also, his check has been docked several times for breaking things until he got fired for breaking something yesterday and the cost of it will be coming out of his last check still.
The good thing is that we moved this month to a cheaper place. It isn't at all what I was looking for but it is a place we could afford on just my disability if we had to and it is very close to the kids school.
there isn't a dishwasher in this place and I don't have a washer so I iron the clothes dry, and with all the six kids laundry that is a lot of ironing!!!!
The thought that my life hasn't turned out anything like I expected often crosses my mind even though I really have no idea what I expected by 54, don't think I ever really thought it through. I don't hate this life. I love everyone in my life. I suppose I didn't expect to still be raising kids but I planned to be enjoying them so it isn't that different. OK. That might be a lie. But I sure wouldn't want anyone else to have them when their parents can't take care of them... There are wonderful moments, days, years.
Kira: GRANDMA! GRANDMA! Jaz is going to bite me!!!!!
Jaz: I'm not going to bite her I am going to HIT her!!!
Priceless.
But all six of them as much as they are with me is a LOT of work.
I feel old. All 2011 I have been aware of how old I am. I feel like I have aged more in the last year than in the last ten. I look at my body and face and see an old woman in the mirror. I live at a pain level that horrifies me and Dr. Gold keeps me under medicated, sadistic or something, I haven't figured that out. Not sure why it is called Pain management because the pain isn't managed at all by him. But that is another story....

What I've Done to Us

2011-06-12T12:48:00.000-06:00

Ah, it isn't pretty. We are so broke we will only make it through these times if absolutely nothing else goes wrong for a loooong time. Jeremy has his CNA but is having a very hard time finding anyone who will hire anyone without experience. I should have researched that a little better!!! We whould be alright for the rest of the year if I hadn't spent all of our money on my girls in the last few months. I did what I thought I had to do, but much of it could end up to be a waste after it all. My youngest could very likely lose the home I put her into and everything I bought for it. Jeanette started working last week, there is light at the end of that tunnel, although she was going to be OK most likely soon anyhow with ADC and getting her unemployment benefits extended. But I broke the cardinal rule, take care of yourself so you can help others, not help others until you can't help yourself. Not the first time I have done this but I should know better by now!!!! I even spent money put back for important things, like getting my teeth fixed. Now after next week I will have no teeth on the left side. Ah, my own fault, what is worse is making Jeremy live with this. We could have lived at least a year on what I have spent in the last six months, two years on what I spent the two months before that, and now we are struggling to keep the house in toilet paper and keep the lights on! Fortunately, Jeremy is largely unaware of how much money we had to begin with. Not that he would hate me or anything, but I would definitely hear the things I already know about how careless I have been with our money and lives and I'd rather not.
Aside from that, we are having a good summer with all of the kids so far. We have all six almost all of the time and are often stressed with it all but manage to take them places and do things that they like and are fun for all of us. This summer we discovered the Sprayground park. It is free so there is only the cost of gas to get there, not far, and a little for snacks and stuff and we've bought little toys for the parks like sand shovels and buckets. I sooo wish I had bought a zoo pass before the money was gone! but the Sprayground is fun good for all of them. Jaz doesn't care much for the sprinklers yet but she loves the dry playground.
We are having some trouble with the smoke in the air from wildfires in Arizona that is blowing into our state. Jaz has had asthma problems and Jeremy and I have had terrible sinus problems, but this too shall pass.
All for now. The day is calling.
See ya!

Robby Party

2011-06-05T15:30:00.002-06:00

We had a party at Westwood sprayground yesterday. Jeremy brought a grill and made hot dogs, had a Batman birthday cake, and the kids played and played all day. Jenny and Keegan came and Michelle and Keen were there with Cherry so it was a good size group even though several people invited couldn't make it. The park is only about five miles from here so we hope to take the kids there a lot this summer. good free fun for hot days.

I got a bad case of food poisoning from some potato salad, spent a miserable 8 hours but it is passing, just weak and miserable now.
Worried worried worried about money. Been supporting Nett and Jess for months and Jeremy is having a hellova time finding a CNA job. Everyone seems to want a year experience but where is he supposed to get that??? He slunk back to Popeyes today to ask for that job back, I felt terrible for him, but we aren't giving up on finding him a CNA job.
Jami's and Kirk's visits with Kira have been cut down to one two hour visit on Wednesdays in preparation for them ending soon when she goes up for adoption. I still know nothing about if i will get to adopt her, it is absolutely terrifying waiting to know. I am talking to the LDS church about helping us if we need it and I think they will. That is all a little strange. Our new missionaries are almost claiming a completely different LDS doctrine than any of the others have that eliminates most of my long held objections. I know the church didn't change that much, but they have definitely changed their approach! I will be meeting with them again Monday evening.
I just hope they can help me keep our Kira.
OK. Feeling pretty rough.
More some other time.

8 Days of School Left!!!!

2011-05-10T19:06:00.002-06:00

Whew. Almost survived another year of driving kids to school!!! Jeremy has been helping drive them a lot lately since I was diagnosed with Labyrnthitis. Vertigo is not the best driving companion or any kind of companion.
The kids are passing around some kind of virus, mostly high fever, but it seems to pass fairly quickly.
Did I write about Nett's eyes???? Her retinas detached a couple of months ago and she is blind in the right eye and doesn't see too well out of the left. She has had two surgeries done by Dr. Priluck and he still thinks she will regain some sight but we won't know for sure for a while. We have had the kids pretty much since this started, she was in terrible pain after the surgeries and then can't lift over five pounds and just needs to adjust to what her life is now. It scares her when the kids run at her because they get close before she can see them, but she is planning to start having them soon. Mostly right now we don't want to risk her getting whateverf this virus the kids are passing right now. I took her to the doctor today and Dr. Rosman is testing her for C Diff, which I hope she doesn't have!! but she has been a pretty sick little girl for a whle now. She is very, very, skinny from the Graves Disease, and has just had too much go wrong lately.
jeremy graduated from Clarkson and has his CNA but is still looking for someone to hire him. This first job will be the hardest to get so he is having to pound the pavement looking but I have no doubt he will do well when someone decides to give him a chance. He graduated at the top of his class amazing everyone with his aptitude for this. I knew he would do well but he even managed to amaze me.
I am worried about our financial situation. We have been supporting Jess and Jeanette for a while now and the money we had saved to get us through while Jeremy went to school and found work has gone too fast but I always have faith that we will find a way to manage, although I have no clue what that will be right now. Rob paid Nett child support for a couple of months but then his mother told him to stop after Jeanette could no longer work, lovely people they are, and we awhve beensupporting her and her kids since then. She has applied for ADC but that will be less than 400 a month when it does start and that isn't nearly enough. Jess hopes to be able to start working in June but she currently owes 340 in rent that I will have a hard time getting together for her. I have it but I also have everyone's other bills to pay and Jeremy still not working but we are first and foremost survivors.

Depression

2011-03-27T16:57:00.002-06:00

I seldom fall victim to depression like this. Thank God. It feels very much like when someone close dies but no has died lately. I am sure it is triggered by the death of what I have felt was a close relationship with Jessalynn's father, Patrick, but that is not all of it, only the last straw perhaps. Patrick blindsided us Thursday with court papers demanding imediate temporary custody of Jessalynn and we go to court April 4th. I would repsect it if I had any belief that he did this in Jessalyn's best interest. He stated in his own deposition that he has always had free access to Jessalynn yet he has never in my memory kept her more than overnight on a weekend occasionally, never even for a whole weekend, unless he was taking her out of town for a family reunion or something. No. This is the culmination of four years of him bitching about paying child support and never understanding that the money he has to pay is for the overall support of Jessalynn. Not that he has at all regularly paid. He has only made payment when threatened with being held in contempt of court or of having his driving license suspended. Add to that he was very angry that Jess stopped letting him claim Jessalynn on his taxes the year he didn't give her her share of it. He swore after tax time this year he would have revenge and now he is trying for it. He says he borrowed the money from his mother to do this. He called me and said that he hoped we would have the same relationship as before. I thought I told him that ship had sailed but then Jess called and told me that Patrick was telling her that I was fine with all if this. I called him and apologized if I hadn't made myself clear but that I would never have any respect or even liking for him again in any way. I told him that he was aware that Jess would need my support in this as he had to have help paying for his lawyer from his mother and that I don't have friends who cost me a thousand dollars out of the blue for ridiculous claims because they don't understand child support. It seems that I am worried about everything these days. I have no clue how Jeanette is going to manage with her vision still mostly limited to one eye and Jess is totally dependant on child support that seldom comes and State aid that is never enough for a little longer and Jami and Kirk still can't take care of themselves let alone the addiction taht seems to have claimed them again and I watch my savings disappearing with all of their needs until I know that I will soon have trouble taking care of myself. Jeremy is doing well in school and working terribly hard but he studies constantly to keep his grades up and cna do very little to help me with anything. Indeed, I feel terrible I have helped him so little with his studies after promising so much more when he enrolled in the CNA class. Then there will be the worry of him finding a good nursing job when he does graduate and surviving until that income begins. I had hoped to have enough saved that we could move to a better home when our lease is up here but that is doubtful with having to hire reprsentation for Jess. Jessalynn does not want to live with Patrick so for that reason alone I will seek the best of the best help to stop Patrick's plan to get her and get out of paying child support. I have also been looking for a little car for Jessica but don't know if there will be money for that either after this custody issue is dealt with. There is a bright spot. We were all so worried that Jess getting attacked in her own home twice would make things worse for her. I can't imagine being agorraphobic and then being attacked in the one place I felt safe, I expected a huge setback at least, but it has instead had a totally different effect. She says it made her feel empowered forf the first time, she fought off both attacks herself and survived. God does have the strangest ways of giving blessings!!!! I think her reovery since then has been unbelievable and I do think she could be persuaded to start driving a little again if she had a car. I might still find a way to make that happen for Jess and her girls.

My Beautiful Jessalynn is 9!!

2011-02-01T13:16:00.002-06:00

Jessalyn is growing up sooooo fast!!! There was a blizzard the night she was born. Jami came to pick me up to go the hospital the night Jess went into labor. We were climbing through the snow to get to her truck when I slipped through a drift and fell into the sewer drain in front of Patrick's house. Jami had no clue what happened and the wind was so fierce I could barely hear her calling for me, asking where i went. I was in the drain up to my chest which was compressed so I couldn't yell loud but she finally backtracked and saw me and pulled me out of the drain and rushed me to the ER at the hospital where Jessalynn was being born. I insisted o a wheelchair to check on them before I went into ex ray and saw Jess. She was looking pretty bad and had a fever rising so they were planing a C-section ASAP. I went back to the ER and got through the tests while she was in surgery and got back upstairs right after Jessalynn was taken to the nursery. She was so beautiful I just sat there and cried.

And now we often have a snow storm on her birthdays, today no exception. School was canceled but she is here with us. We are going to delay her party, maybe Friday, but I am going to give her one of her gifts shortly. She has been asking for her birthstone so I bought her a 10 ct. gold pair of earrings with marque shaped garnet stones. I'd like to get her a matching ring and necklace but am worried they might get broken or lost which would make her too sad, hopefully the earrings will stay in place better than those might. They will be the first dangly earrings I have let her have although the dangle is very short. I am so very proud of this little girl. She is just amazing and I love the way she loves and trusts me. I lived with her parents her first six months before i went to Texas for two years and when I came back we bonded all over again and the bond is very tight. When I first came back to Nebraska Jeremy and I stayed with them for about 9 months and Jessalynn spent almost all of her time up in the room we were staying in. If I would lay in bed and read she would get a book and lay cheek to cheek with me for hours pretending to read, too, turning pages when I did, never bored. Then Jeremy and I moved out into our own house and not long after Jess and Jessalynn moved in with us. Jess took the downstairs but Jessalynn again spent all her waking hours upstairs with us. I had been injured and spent all my time in a wheel chair or bed but she hung out with me no matter what. We lived there a year or two, then Jess moved into West Omaha and we moved a couple of months later to here, less than two miles apart from them but again, Jessalynn spends at least half or more of her time here with us.

Jessalynn is my second oldest grandchild but she is the oldest on who lives here and she rules the cousins who were born after her here. She is an excellent role model and a loving cousin to the younger ones. When all the three now two year olds were born she became indispensable in helping keep order here when all of the kids are here. At home she is a huge help to Jess with Jaz and all of the babies adore her.

But I don't think anyone could adore her more than I do.

A Friday Evening

2011-01-28T19:12:00.002-06:00

We're waiting on Jeanette to get here to stay with the kids while we go shopping. Friday nights we keep her kids overnight because she works at seven on Saturday mornings but tonight she is coming here to hang out with them adn feed them supper so we can go and she can have a little mroe time with them. We also have Jaz tonight, Jeremy went and picked her up last night. He was so happy to have her back here he watched Dora with her for two hours at bedtime. It's a good thing Jess doesn't mind sharing Jaz with him because the bond between those two is incredible. Jess knows that and appreciates it for what it is. Jaz will always have Jeremy, this is a life bond.
Nett just texted that she is on her way.
There was a Family Meeting here today with KVC and the guardian ad lidem. I wonder if that is how you spell that... I think the meeting went well. I just hope they find a way to help Jami. It seems like they brainstorm all the things they can do for her and then no much happens. I am not sure whose fault it is that so little gets done but it is frustrating. Now they say they have to have a court order to get Jami mental health help but I thought that was already done. I mean, they have long ago established that she needs help, haven't they?? Wasn't that part of what got her into the Family Works program?? It's not like she could have possibly recovered and not need help any more. It doesn't help that Jami doesn't cooperate more but I tried to tell them I can understand some of her feeling of hopelessness at trying.
I think, hope, Jess has recovered somewhat from her most recent trauma. There is just not much that could be done to help her or for her to help herself. I am still very interested to find out if security guard Dale is really an Omaha police officer and I do plan to find that out. But I council Jess not to dwell on it although that is hard with the threat of being attacked any time she walks out her front door.
Nett is here.

After The Ozz

2011-01-17T13:17:00.002-06:00

We went to see Ozzy and Slash last night. It ws fun jsut preparing to go, both of us got new clothes for the concert and we wanted to get there early to get Jeremy shirts but got there a little late so we missed the begining of Slash while standing in line. We had pretty good seats, the 17th row off to the right of the stage. Jeremy was pretty upset I told him not to bring the camera because everyone else seemed to have brought one. I thought they would be enforcing the no camera rule, silly me. Slash was good, I texted Jami through their show feeling bad she wasn't there with us for it since she has always had a thing for slash. Jeremy was stunned that almost everyone stayed in their seats during Slash but when Ozzy came on it was a different story. He kept almost everyone standing for his whole show and he put on an amazing show considering he is a fossil. I joked a lot about how the handicap parking was full by the time we got there, we were an hour late for Kid Rock and there was plenty of handicap parking! but Ozz was getting around a lot better than I expected. I was up for his whole show, too, new boots and all. Jeremy was Jeremy in concert mode, jumping, yelling, and as usual as much fun to watch as the concert. I gave our number to a guy in front of us taking pictures and video offering to pay him for copies but haven't heard from him yet. I sure hope he calls, it would make Jeremy very happy. Jeremy was upset enough about it to want me to go bck out to the car and get the camera but I couldn't leave and get back in. It ended around 11 and we went to Village Inn and picked up Kira adn came home.

Snowy Snowy Day

2011-01-10T17:16:00.002-06:00

We are in a snow storm. Supposed to be getting six to eight inches by tomorrow morning and it looks like we have gotten most of it. I had to get out in it to plate the van but hope to not go out again. School was canceled today and I hope it is tomorrow, too.
Kirk went into treatment this morning. I was planning to take him but with the snow we asked David to drive him there in his jeep. Now the real worry about Jami begins. I asked her a couple of hour ago if she had arranged anything for herself and she said she hadn't been feeling well this morning.
Nett's kids are here but she is coming to get them since she jsut found out she isn't working tonight.
We are working on taking the binky away from Kira, heartbreaking, and I have never had to take one before since none of the others liked them. She is playing with all of the kids right now but lately I think she likes hewr time alone with us here. She is such a little sweetie!!!!

Kira Birthday

2011-01-08T16:05:00.003-06:00

We don't have any big plans for today, Kira gets a little ripped off with a birthday so soon after Christmas although not as bad as her mom. Jessalynn and Trace have the flu and we are all still beat from the holidays so it will be a simple turning of two for Kira. Jeremy is baking her a cake and we have a few party things and the grandkids are all here. Well, the Omaha ones are.

I finally bought a new laptop after getting a piece of crap trying to buy one at the pawn shop. I am pretty happy with this one.

The money I got is going very fast. I am trying to hang onto what little I have left for us to survive until Jeremy finishes school and finds work. It is hard with the kids needing and wanting so much but I have done about all I can for them without losing everything myself.

Jeanette is having a hard time on her own although Rob is helping. He is also telling her he has a couple of brain tumors that sound like they could be fatal if he is telling the truth. I am not sure what I believe. I can easily see him telling her he is dying for sympathy but I can also see something being wrong with his brain!!!!

Kirk is going into a 30 day drug treatment program Monday and I am very worried about what is going to happen with Jami. She should have set something up for herself, she has to go through a drug treatment program, too, but she didn't and she is in trouble with KVC for not going for her random drug tests since she got out of FW. She gets upset with me when I ask about what she is going to do. Today I asked if she was planing to stay at the trailer without Kirk and she said that she would have to until she could arrange something else and said that her phone getting cut off Friday stopped her from making arrangements. I said nothing, she knows I know she should have done something long before her phone got cut off Friday.

We are excited about the Ozzy concert coming up in a couple of weeks. Jeanette gave KVC her information and hopefully will be approved to babysit for us.

2011

2011-01-01T14:14:00.002-06:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! We had all of our Omaha grandkids and Trace last night to bring in the hew year. Jami and Kirk spent the evening with Jess and Nett was with her friend, Helen. We didn't have a lot planned but we played Candyland with the bigger kids.
I only have one resolution, to cut down on pop consumption to save the rest of my teeth. Everything else would be ongoing efforts to make everything better. Maybe I should vow to stop trying to fix so many things around instead of more....
Jeremy starts CNA school February 28th and I hope to have our lives a little simpler by then. I need Nett to get a day job, and she needs it too, for the kids, so she can get them to bed earlier and be less stressed herself. Jeremy will be in school in the evenings and I don't know I can handle all of the kids every night without him here although of course I will do whatever I have to. I keep saying I am going toget more organized but, not only are my organization skills not getting any sharper with age, but I am not sure anyone could organize the life I try to lead.
I am happy with my life but I also regret there is so little time for Jeremy and me to just do things together, go out once in a while. It is fine for me but I think about how young he is and what I thought life should be like at his age. He is a wonderful grandfather to all these kids but I would love to see him able to have a good time like a 34 year old guy should. I gave him tickets to Ozzy for Christmas but am still worried if we will have a sitter for Kira. I hope he doesn't end up having to go alone!!! I too often feel like he gets ripped off choosing me but he refuses to consider a life otherwise for which I am grateful but feel guilty even though I did warn him what his life would be with me before we came here. Jess was mad at me the other day over BS like she does and she said "You just want to take everyone's kids!!" I could have laughed or cried. I have a man 20 years younger than me who is wildly fun and outgoing and we spend all of our time taking care of kids and we go out maybe once a year,less thanwhen I was married to a boring, old, deadbeat.
OK. Jeremy is in here.
Later.

John C.Hunziker

2010-11-30T08:39:00.003-06:00

That is the name of Jess's therapist for most of the last year. I've never thought much of him, but I maybe should have thought more about him. Definitely should have tried harder to get Jess to switch doctors. First, her depression and anxiety problems got worse and worse in his care. And she never seemed to feel better after an appointment with him. And he just gave me a bad feeling whenever I spoke to him. He was rude and talks at you instead of to you.
Jess has had a lot of problems with keeping the many appointments he demands she make. She and I tried to explain to him many times that it was difficult to meet these demands because she ash two young children and we have three families sharing one vehicle which often makes scheduling things a matter of priority. Hunziker would hear no excuse when we would try to reschedule always pushing and threatening Jess if she tried to reschedule for any reason. Yes. Constant threats to have her committed if she didn't see him and make him money. Little wonder her anxiety problems only became worse under his care. He admits she got worse but of course he doesn't believe it has anything to do with his own qualifications or lack thereof.
Then yesterday he let her know he means business about missing appointments. She has been very sick with a nasty virus and. missed an appointment without calling so he trotted his happy butt downtown and filed a petition to have her committed although she is not a threat to herself or any one else. Jess was in the shower when six police officers entered her home and pounded on the bathroom door demanding she come out even if all she had to put on was a towel. She was taken directly to the County Psych Hospital and placed in intensive care. Se called me as soon as she was able to have me visit her.
We spoke together to the doctor on duty and were able to ask him questions about what Hunziker had done. He admitted that missing appointments was not a reason to commit anyone and that Hunziker was going to have to present a real reason for them to be able to keep Jess locked up. Jess told him that she had seen her psychiatrist very recently who had said he thought she was doing well so he called her shrink who verified what she'd said but the doctor said that he would have to speak to the committing doctor before he could release Jess. After an hour he said that I would have to leave, they hadn't been able to contact Hunziker so Jess was going to have to spend the night there but he promised that he would have her moved out of Intensive Care to a more comfortable part of the hospital.
Jess did find out that Hunziker had tried to give reasons besides her missing appointments for committing her. He brought up three things Jess had gone through, all of which occurred at least over a month ago, and she recovered from them, dealt with them better than many would have. The question there is that if these things had him so concerned for her safety, why did he not recommend she be locked up WHEN these things were going on??? This man is a psychological social worker not even listed with the AMA and Jess was referred to him by a REAL psychiatrist who Hunziker didn't even consult before making this drastic decision for Jess.
It is the morning after. Jess is still locked in County and we are trying to free her from this injustice.
Jess voluntarily went to Hunziker seeking help. She was in no way court ordered or anything like that to see him. She should have been able to quit him at any time but has been held with him through threats even though he himself admitted he was of no help to her. He is boorish and rude and nothing will ever convince me that he was in any way trying to help Jess with the way he has behaved toward her from the very beginning.
I would like nothing more than to see this man lose his license to practice. How many others will never seek help again after experiencing his "care"???

Thanksgiving Eve

2010-11-24T15:39:00.002-06:00

I'm starting the prep-work for TG dinner. Jeanette is making a turkey and most of the side dishes for the dinner at her house. I am making the ham and candied yams for the dinner at her house and also a complete dinner to take to Jessica's. I didn't tell Jeanette we are making diner at Jess's, too, but she doesn't want to know anything about Jess anyhow. I hoped they would patch things up by tomorrow but it isn't going to happen. It may never happen and that breaks my heart to think about. Their last words were so bitter and cruel. I don't take sides with one against the other or talk about them to each other. i just pray they will love each other as they should someday. I see both sides, maybe I understand Jess's feelings better but Jeanette's feelings are just as valid even if a little foreign to me.
I think about when I am no longer here and how I hope my girls will have each other then. I think about how alone I am in the world since Mike poisoned every single relative I have with his lies and paranoia. Uncle Paul has emailed me a few times since then but I know he really believes the things Mike says, too, mostly because he isn't close enough to Mike to see how ridiculous he is. I take comfort in all the things Mom said to me about what Mike had done before she died and the things he planned to do to me after and know she would have stood by me if she had lived and been able to. All of it and other things from that time in my life is why I can understand Jess's feelings of betrayal right now. I always thought and taught my children that family comes first. That you never turn against your own for anything. I felt secure in having lived my life by this theme and all I had always done to stay close to family from when I was very young and started writing letters to close and distant relatives. Mike used to call me and ask me to call Mom or Aunt Bonnie for him so he could find out how they were without having to get involved in their lives which should have been a big clue that he and i had very little in common about love for family. He feels obligation, more like he does and says what he feels he needs to for family to have a little self respect and to be able to tell others how wonderful he is to his family, but he doesn't feel the love. I do. I want my girls to, too, even if it leaves them as hurt as I was after I lost my whole family, but hoping it doesn't end that way for them. Maybe I am just dreaming there. Maybe I have ideas of family that are extinct. But i refuse to be that way myself with my family and I will fight for them to have the same antique feelings that I do. How do we lose the loyalty and closeness that should be gendered by "family" without losing God??? i don't know. Mike claims to be a very pious man but never had any love or respect for either of our parents or our brother. Or me now. He feels very righteous about these things, that we were all people who were unworthy of his love or even the love of whatever god he claims to worship that he thinks smiles on his sickness. He convinces himself that everyone else is just insane and he is the tortured soul that had to cast his family out to save himself and it steadily make him more and more unbalanced. I would hate more than anything for my girls to be any thing like him in these respects. I want them to know that they are blessed with each other and that they are their sister's keepers of heart. Jami comes the closest to understanding this. I just keep loving them more and more hoping to show them how to love each other by how I love them. I teach the grandchildren how they will all be responsible for each others hearts for the rest of their lives.
I pray for a world that remembers these things.

Monday Before thanksgiving

2010-11-22T21:28:00.002-06:00

I did go back to the doctor yesterday and he gave me another shot in the butt and a different antibiotic. I'm feeling a little better, coughing up less green stuff. I woke up with terrible tooth pain lat night but didn't get a chance to see anyone today, hopefully I will get into Emergency Dental tomorrow and they can over charge me fir a root canal.
Kira's guardian ad lidem called today to check on us. She asked bout Kira spending so much time here while they were at Family Works and a lot of other questions. They aren't very happy with the progress Kirk and Jami have made in the last year and she said something about how they usually give parents 15 months to get it together and be able to have their kids or "other arrangements" have to be made for Kira. I said that I thought they were sincere in wanting Kira back but couldn't say much in their defense for the things they haven't done especially since I really don't understand it. I think they want the right things but the reality of doing what they have to doesn't really hit them. Or maybe the necessity of it. Jami still rages over what seems unfair and I try to tell her that "fair" isn't in question, it is simply do what they say or lose Kira.
Jenise is very sick. Very stuffy and running a fever. Nett took her to the doctor today and they put her on an antibiotic but didn't way what is wrong other than that it isn't strep. Jaz has needed a couple of breathing treatments since waking up choking last night and her cheeks are red but she doesn't have a temp and is playing like she feel fine most of the time.
It is crazier and crazier with all the kids here so much and our apartment is getting trashed pretty badly. I need to get a couple of gallons of paint and scrub and paint the walls where the babies have drawn on them and other things have decorated them. Robby broke the new blinds in the kids room today and I have no idea when or how we will be able to replace them.
I used Jeremy's bank card at the store the other day for a $3 purchase and they charged his card $83. I caught it by chance, bored and calling the bank to check his balance. I lost the receipt but they still fixed it today. Good thing. That is all the money we have until I don't know when.

Ugh

2010-11-19T17:00:00.002-06:00

I feel like crap. Maybe the antibiotics, maybe the antibiotics not working, I'll go back to the doctor tomorrow.
Lindsey has sent me a couple of messages asking me to call her so last night I did and John got on the phone. He shares my brother's title of Pompous Ass, almost steals it from him. It is even worse coming from John. He asked why I was calling Lindsey and then said that I was not allowed to have phone contact with her but if I would like to write to her and establish a credible relationship with her I might be able to speak to her some day.
I just wrote and deleted a lot about this. No need for it to be said again now. It is all in records that can be found. I'm not even that upset about it really, I didn't expect any better from John.
We're having a pretty quiet day here. Just us and Kira this morning, then Robby and Riley came this afternoon and Jaz got dropped off a little while ago. I guess that doesn't sound too quiet, but there haven't been any catastrophes or bank robberies today. Jenise is with her mom on their way here and Jessalynn is at Girl Scouts.
Cheri called today. I miss seeing her but she wouldn't stop by when I told her that Kira and I have been sick. She can't afford to get sick with her job and I can't seem to get everyone well at the same time.

Never A dull Moment

2010-11-17T16:42:00.002-06:00

Jami and Kirk have been staying in a nice trailer in the back yard of Kirk's friend who lives near here, David. David has a brother who lives next door, Derrick, who is actually closer to Kirk. The brothers have an electrician company with their father that has been in trouble since the economy went sooo bad but it is obvious from their homes that they were once quite prosperous. Now they are running off generators because they owe OPPD and I don't think they have gas wither. Last night Jami and Kirk went to a Mom's Off Meth meeting together and when they tried to go home the houses were surrounded by police, swat teams, and channel 7 news. They called me here and we found out that Derrick had robbed a bank, saying he had a bomb in the drive through. He got awaya with less than $2000 according to the news and is still At Large. Jami and Kirk were nervous about going back to the trailer but eventually did since they can't be here with Kira. I can't imagine Derrick robbing a bank but I know he has been very depressed and also I heard that his girl broke up with him yesterday. I assume he was drunk, he has been drinking a lot, and likely woke up somewhere today thinking What the hell did I do?????
I went to get Jaz's WIC checks this morning and saw an Urgent Care place behind the office so I stopped in there to see if I could get some antibiotics for a sinus infection. It turned out I am even sicker than I know. I told the doctor there is no way I can be admitted to a hospital with Kira so he gave me a shot of steroids in the butt and gave me an albuterol treatment and a couple of prescriptions and told me to see him again to be evaluated in three days. No wonder I feel so bad lately!!!!! A sinus infection with pneumonia is kicking my butt.

Friday Evening

2010-11-12T17:49:00.003-06:00

Jeremy is gone with Jeanette to her old house to try to get the last of her things. this is supposed to be the last day to go there, the landlord is wanting the keys, so hopefully they can get everything Jeanette wants. Then Jeremy and Kirk are supposed to start moving her things out storage here into her apartment so she can start getting it set up for them. Nett is so rattled trying to do everything being so sick. Untreated Graves Disease is a real booger to live with until they fix it. She had all her tests to prove it is Graves done yesterday but I'm not sure when they will get around to radiating her thyroid.
Babyproofing is a much studied science here. Three two and almost tow year olds can thwart almost any ideas we come up with. We finally have the bathroom so they can't open the door, used those donut looking knob covers, but that still only works if everyone remembers to close the bathroom door. And it is a pain in the butt for the rest of us to get into the rooms with the covers on the knobs. I put surgical gloves over the knobs under the covers which helps but it is still hard for the big kids to get in the bathroom.
Rob has contacted Nett a few times. He seems to just go back and forth between saying he is sorry for everything and that everything is Nett's fault, a bit of a contradiction!!! He doesn't really believe Nett is serious about divorcing him yet even though he got a copy of the protection order. He sends her very bad poetry that just makes her want to barf and she just keeps telling him it is over. He spent most of their marriage in the basement getting high and drunk and playing with his toys but now he misses them . Seems like if maybe he noticed them when he had them this wouldn't be happening. I must say that, even with all the chaos of staying crammed in this apartment with me Jeremy and me, Jeanette seems a lot happier than I have seen her during her marriage.
Jami s pretty miserable with her situation but I can't sympathize with her since she made her own situation that she is living and , despite her denials, I very much believe she already using again and complaining that the courts are going to make a her begin and complete a drug program since she bailed on FW. Se tells me every day how she misses Kira now but that wasn't her main thought when she walked out on FW where she had Kira living with her. Not only does she have what very much looks lie a needle hope in her neck but she was also seen in Council Bluffs yesterday and I don't think it was to visit her father or anything legitimate. She is always fighting with Kirk lately again miserable but there is nothing I can do for her if I wanted to. If I had the time to!!! Her timing on this was terrible for everyone and the only thing I could do at all was to take Kira in and force Jeanette out so I could have Kira back here. That was a shame for many reasons, Nett isn't ready to be on her own and I have just had too little time with her since she got with Rob when she was only 14. There are so many little things I always wanted to share with Jeanette that I want to teach her now. I still will, she will be very close and I will be helping her be a single mom with three kids. But I hoped she would be able to live with me at least a month even though it is cramped with all of us here. A lot of the damage done to Jeanette's thinking while with Rob needs to be undone and taught correct. The first years she spent with him she assumed he was smarter than her and listened to him about every little thing. She has known that he is full of shit for some time but still needs to learn the real things about life that a mom can teach.
Just had to stop and clean up another mess the babies made and I have to figure out what to feed this troop. That is another thing about Nett, her kids need to learn to eat real food before they are just like their father. someone must have scared Rob in the cradle with a vegetable and I see Robby acting the same. Jenise is a little better but she had a very hard time she she started school trying to eat like other kids.
OK. Gotta get back to this.

Chaos

2010-11-09T16:47:00.003-06:00

Jeanette rented an apartment here today. We have to get our apartment emptied and ready for a KVC inspection. I can't believe they didn't show up today but I know they will be here tomorrow. Jami was officially terminated at Family Works this morning and I have no clue what she is planning. She will have to complete a drug program somewhere to get Kira back, likely in patient at this point.
We are passing around a terrible stomach virus. I was very sick for the last few days and the kids have been sick, too. I took Jessalynn home last night and Jess called me a little later saying Jessalynn was feeling sick and wanted me to come get her. Jeremy picked her up and I laid with her until she started throwing up, which made her feel better. Poor Jeremy slept on the couch and I had Jessalynn and Jaz in bed with me.
Now we have to get Nett moved into her place and then put our apartment back together. We put a lot of our things into storage to make room for Nett and her kids. I wanted her to stay with us at least a month to save a little more money before renting a place but the thing with Kira forced her to do it right away and now we're scrambling to get everything done.
Chaos.

Saturday Afternoon

2010-11-06T14:46:00.002-06:00

Jeremy and Jeanette have gone with a truck to move her large things into storage. I gave the babies baths and did their hair. The big kids are playing outside, it is actually pretty nice out still. We are all working on organizing our coexistence in this apartment. It is nice having Jeanette with me even with the circumstances, I have missed so much with her. The kids are having a hard time, especially Jenise. She is such a tender little thing like her mother. It would help if Rob were on the right page with this and would work in her best interest. Hopefully he will catch on in time but for now he has forced Jeanette to exclude him from the kids lives. He is a very self centered man, can't even put his kids first, and he's not very bright which doesn't help either. He persists in trying to tell the kids that Mommy is bad and this is all her fault. He can't or doesn't want to see how harmful that is for the children's fragile feelings. I despise him but I would never bad mouth him to his children because they love him and because they know they are a part of him. Last night when Jenise asked why her Daddy broke his promise to see her I told her that sometimes people love you so much that they will promise they will do the things they wish they could and that they don't mean to hurt your feelings if they can't keep that promise for any reason. I think how very young Jim and I were when we split and am proud that neither of us ever tried to hurt Jami in any way to get back at each other. It doesn't seem hard at all to me for parents to figure this out if Jim and I could do it as teenagers.
I took Jeanette to an endocrinologist last week and the testing and then treatment for her Grave's Disease is started. She had the bloodwork to test for Graves and next week she will have the thyroid scan and then hopefully soon she will go through the radiation treatment. The doctor, who I think is good, put her on a heart medication to help her feel better while they go through all the required motions to get her treated. She is very, very, ill. She is skin and bones and always sweating and has a very hard time concentrating with her body going 500 mph right now. she is run down and worn out with the separation but still happier than she was married and living with Rob all these years. She and Jess see each other and talk a lot now and that makes my heart feel good. I do all I can to make things easier for her and help her through this. I don't know how she is holding up except that she is like me and just does whatever has to be done no matter what.
We are so broke it is frightening but I know we will work it all out. Jeremy losing his job right before the blow up is a terrible thing, not just financially, but for Jeremy's feelings, too. He doesn't feel right not working and would like to search more for work but we need him for so much else right now he hasn't had much chance to job hunt. I think this weekend will be our last chance to get Nett's things out of her old home so maybe we can get on a routine of some kind here.
Of course, the van is acting up again and I worry every day that it will be the last day we have it running. My atty called about a week ago and said that I would be getting my settlement on that wreck any time now but I have no idea what it will be. I try not to get my hopes up but I do hope it is enough to get us a vehicle that runs.
We got a letter from the DMV saying Jeremy has to pay $25.,000 for that cop car that hit him and we are frantically looking for the letter we got shortly after that wreck saying no one was considered at fault.
Jess is holding up well through all of this but I do worry when she might break from the stress, too. What Rob did to her is just unimaginable. I can better understand his father attacking Jeremy than Rob attacking Jessica and Jeremy in no way deserved to be attacked by that trailer trash family. Rob lies through his teeth still tyring to convince Nett that Jeremy attacked Bob even though Jeanette kept telling Rob she SAW it happen. But I have never known he or his family to set any stock in honesty or being honorable. I have hated seeing Jeanette act like them while with them for the last 14 years.
OK. Looks like Jeremy is back.

Almost Lost Kira

2010-11-06T12:40:00.003-06:00

I was at the courthouse with Jeanette helping her file a restraining order against Rob when Kirk called and said Jami had left him a message saying she had walked out of Family Works. Fortunately, I already had Kira. Jami had called Wednesday night wanting me to go pick up Kira because she was planning on leaving FW. She was very upset, has been upset at FW for a while, but I told her that I couldn't get Kira then and that it would be best if she stayed where she was, safe with Kira, at least for the night. the next day KVC brought Kira here to visit Kirk and Jami asked them to leave Kira with me. FW knew Kira was with me but they still called the police and reported Kira missing when Jami left. Before I got home from the courthouse Kirk called and said that the police were searching the place he lives looking for Kira already. I was rushing home while on the phone with the new KVC case manager, Tad, trying to put out the fire. Tad said he would call DHS and I tried to call Kira's guardian ad lidem who wasn't in but her supervisor was and he started trying to stop the police orders to find Kira and put her in foster care. He couldn't find the papers that I was told they had saying that I would get Kira back if something like this happened. Without that document the police would have to take Kira. I got a call a little later from DHS saying that the police said they and come to my address and that a woman living at this address told them that I didn't live here but somehow also said that I had a bunch of people living with me and that I had gone to the courthouse but that I didn't have Kira. None of that made any sense. the police did NOT come here but I do have Nett and her kids living here and I was at the courthouse, something no one but Jeremy, Kirk, Jeanette and I knew. Now there was another fear of me not getting to keep Kira if someone made a stink about Nett and the kids being here. The woman from DHS seemed to finally believe the things I was saying, it wasn't hard to check that I still live here since KVC had brought Kira to me here the day before. She said that she would talk to the police again and to expect that the police or someone from DHS or someone from KVC would be showing up eventually. No one ever came yet. Jami finally called around dark and said that she was with the mother of a graduate from FW and that she was sitting at the Burger King up the road. She told me that she was planning to go stay with this woman in Bennington but ended up spending the night with Kirk at his friend's house where he stays.
Kirk called this morning nd said that Jami did go to Bennington this morning and that she does plan to return to FW before her time limit, they called me late yesterday and said that she could return within 48 hours, no harm, no foul.
know Jami s mentally ill in many ways, that the drugs weren't the whole problem. I wish she could be in a place that could help her with her mental illness more. I know FW tries in their way but I hear from everyone that FW is only another government funded sham of a place for helping people, that their funding is their biggest concern. Most of their guidelines and rules are kept or broken according to how it will effect their funding. Drug court is a joke. It is all a bad joke in so many ways. But FW is a temporary safe house for women with children, that much I believe. They are housed and watched over enough to keep them safer than they were on the streets doing drugs. The women can use it for the intended purpose if they choose or they can go through the motions of reform and go back to their old lives. No institution has been created that can really do much more than that.

Family Feud

2010-11-03T10:52:00.002-06:00

We have had on hell of a week. Have I written in here that Jeanette told Rob she wants a divorce and hs been trying to get him to move out???? Wellllll, Nett was hanging out in the parking lot where she works talking to Pat and goofing off after work Thursday night and Rob's little sister, Sara, was in the parking lot across the street spying. Rob moved Sara in with them last month because her parents threw her out because they found out she is gay. (She's 19, dropped out of college to join Rob in being a alcoholic pot head.) Sara called Jeanette and told her she caught her and was going to go to their house to tell Rob. Jeremy and I got there right before Sara, and Jeremy went and banged on the basement door to try to get Rob up and talk to him first but Rob was passed out in there. Sara arrived and I met her in the kitchen and said I wanted to talk to her and she turned and went through the door to downstairs and slammed it in my face. I yanked it open and called her a little bitch adn told her to never do that again. She called her mother, Rob's step mother, Tracy, who showed up shortly but didn't say a word to me, both of them are scared of me, not sure why, but I'll take that if it helps. I told them to get Sara's things out and they went down and banged on rob's hideyhole door screaming it was an emergency until he answered it and they burst in and told him that Nett was having an affair. Rob started screaming and breaking things and Jeremy went down there and tried to calm him and to tell him that Sara was lying about what she saw, and she was, having assumed and elaborated a LOT. At first Tracy said that they would all leave and take Rob with them "even if we have to call his father", which is supposed to be a BIG threat because his dad, Bob, is supposedly a badass and Rob and they are terrified of him. Jeremy and I decided to stay, couldn't leave Nett there with all the times Rob has said he would kill her over much less, so we decided to stay the night. Tracy and Sara took a lot of Sara's things and left and we stayed upstairs with Nett and the sleeping kids listening to Rob scream, yell, and bang things around in the basement all night. Jeremy kept going down there to make sure Rob was OK and try to calm him, sometimes succeeding for brief periods of time. Friday morning we got the kids up for school and I left to get Jessalynn and while I wasa gone Rob came upstairs and told Jenise and Robby that they would never see him again because Mommy is bad and got them crying and freaking out with Jeremy trying to talk him into shutting the hell up. Nett got the kids calm and to schoool warning their teachers what happened, they did both have a good day at school distracted with Halloween parties nad candy. Sara returned in the morning and went down in the basement with Rob and after seeing her leave and come back with food and drink we figured out Rob wasn't planning to move out figuring Nett had no where to go. He didn't have the rent for their house anyhow having blown it on dope and all the BS he always blows money on and after talking to Nett about their financial situation I told her there was no way she could keep the house either even if it was safe to stay with Rob being able to return if he ever left. I told Jeanette she and the kids could have my apartment and Jeremy and I would move in with Jess or think of something. We started packing Nett and the kids and I had to go get kids from school. I was going to get Kirk to help load but was nervous that things could go bad and didn't want him involved and then Jessica offered to go stay at the house with Jeremy and help guard Jeanette especially since two of those in Rob's camp were female and might attack Nett. I picked up the kids from school and all at once Jess, Nett, and Jeremy were calling me all at once. Rob had gone upstairs to call Nett some choice names and Jess said something smart ass, think it was, Are you out of booze in your cave? and Sara and Tracy called Big Bad Daddy Bob. Bob came skidding up to the house and Jeremy was loading the van and Bob rushed Jeremy knocking him over. Jess ran and shoved Bob off Jeremy, she didn't really need to save Jeremy but, well, she didn't know how well Jeremy can take care of himself, and Jeremy proceeded to pound Big Bad Bob. Rob ran over and jumped Jessica picking her up and throwing her across the yard so far and hard she had grass stains down her back ( she is hurt pretty badly) and then Rob ran and started pulling her hair but she popped back and grabbed his hair and started popping him in the face. Bob told Jeremy he had enough and Jeremy let him up right away and got between Rob and Jess, funny Rob didn't try to fight with Jeremy, and the police were called. I wanted to take the kids to Kirk but Jeremy called again and said things were going bad, the police were about to arrest him and Jess instead of Rob and Bob, so I headed there. When I got there Rob and his family were standing up by the house, Bob was pouring blood, and the police had Jeanette, Jessica, and Jeremy sitting on the kirb in the street. When I pulled up they all started telling me what the police were saying, which was soooo wrong, and one officer interrupted them and said, Mam, you can't know what has gone on here, we know what we are doing. I said I knew more than them, that I had been there for the last 24 hours watching this build and that there was no voilence until Bob showed up. The cop said that Rob's friends and his family swore Jeremy jumped Bob and that Jess deserved what Rob did because she had had words with him before they called Bob. I was stunned. I told him that I knew, and every real man, and I assumed every cop, who I knew, knew that no man has the right to put his hands on a woman especially especially just for something she said and I asked when the assault rules had changed. He said Well, if I arrest Rob and Bob then I will arrest everyone here and he told me to leave. I left and took the kids to Kirk and went back to Nett's. The police and everyone except bleeding Bob were still there but by then the cops had figured out that Rob is nuts and they were being decent to my family even though they weren't changing their stand about the fight. The cops stayed parked out front a long time while we packed and loaded Nett in the vans and Robs mom and sis loaded his stuff. Rob tried to talk to me at one point, stupid man, saying he never wanted me to think badly of him, and I was still very pissed and said I could never even like him again and told him he was a punk to attack a little girl and why didn't he step up to fight a grown woman. He said he only did it because he thought his dad was in danger and I asked why he didn't attack the real threat, Jeremy? Then his Mom said, come on Rob, we can't reason with her, and I used a lot of self control and let that go and walked away. I had to concentrate on Nett who is so sick she can hardly stand and weighs about 100 pounds right now. She maybe should have thought before hanging out in front of where she works with Patrick even though they were just talking, not that there was any way she could know she was being followed and spied on, but she has't had a clear thought since her thyroid got so out of whack so I jsut feel very sorry for her.
I rented a garage to store Jeanette's furniture and stuff and our stuff to make more room in this tiny apartment.
Oh God. there is actually a LOT more drama but I will spare you. I will likely write a story about this in one of my websites, definitely going to slam Omaha's finest over their "help". I am very proud of Jeremy in this. Rob slammed him around a lot when Jeremy was going to the basement to try to calm him all night and Jeremy let him because he knew Rob was distraught and not right in the head, and drunk as a skunk, and I am proud of him for letting Big Bad Biker Bob up right away when he told Jeremy he had enough. bob's face looked like mince meat when I got there so he took a lot before he had the sense to give up. Jeremy didn't even get hit after the first rush. I am proud of Jess for trying to protect Jeremy even though she actually made it worse for him because he was fighting Bob and trying to pull Rob off her.
Now I have to prepare to take the kids trick or treating and make it fun.
I'll be back with the aftermath and unbelievable details.

The Caridiologist

2010-10-20T12:04:00.002-06:00

I've been wearing a heart monitor since I was hospitalized Labor Day weekend because I have had problems since running a 104 temp. Today i saw the cardiologist to hear what he had to say about the heart readings I have been transmitting to them. He says that the fever I had was a virus that attacked my heart and damaged the lower chamber. He knows that much from the records from my hospital stay and the monitor I wore. I have to have a series of other tests so he can figure out how to fix the problem starting tomorrow and he said that maybe it could be controlled with a medications or, worst case scenario, a heart transplant, but that I am in good health otherwise so the outlook is good and no need to panic.... Really, the "episodes" aren't painful, just uncomfortable, and I'm sure I will get through this.
I'm going to drop my Broadband service for a while, I don't have a decent PC right now and have internet access on my phone although I can't seem to access this site from the phone. I'll have to find a blogsite that I can get to and move this or something.....
Jess has been disillusioned about her father lately, she can be a bit slow about some things, but it is good in the long run that she understand what a pitiful human he is and just stop expecting anything from him. I tell them to pity him that he has never really loved anyone and has no clue what it feels like to love anyone nor any appreciation for those who are unfortunate enough to love him. That has to be a no-life life. I would feel terrible that I wasted so many years with him but I don't see it that way because I realized how small a part he really played in our 22 years together. If someone asks about my X I immediately think of Jim, it is like Clown Shoes never happened . Jeanette told me the other day that she has at times since she was little been jealous of Jami having Jim for a father!! I told her that Jim wishes they were all his, too, and loves them all, and he does. He has his problems, but loving the kids has never been one of them. I have a lot of respect for Jim and really enjoy the relationship we have now and I love that he has Teresa and I have Jeremy and we all get along, one big happy family that takes care of each other however we can as it should be.
OK. I'm outa here.

Jaz is Two!!!!

2010-10-14T20:00:00.002-06:00

Yesterday was Jaz's birthday but we are having her party this Saturday. Meez came last night and brought her a bunch of cool presents and he says he will come Saturday, too.I got screwed nd not even kissed by the people who handle claims American Family, Steve Deleanass, to be specific. The wrecker roadside assistance sent last time the van broke down hit the back of the van with the wrecker but they deny it even though a woman heard the crash and ran outside and accused the man. The wrecker company says that she is the one who hit the van and that she blamed them and that they didn't even load the van from behind anyway, that they never do. They picked it up from the rear that time and the time before as well. When I pointed out this lie to Steve Deleanass he accused ME pf lying!!!!!!!! I am changing insurance companies ASAP, getting quotes now, but that doesn't fix the van, poor thing.
My cell phone fell out the van window and got run over last week so I had to get a new phone.

2010-09-29T11:46:00.002-06:00

I think the first day of fall was sometime last week. I had to give up Broadband for a while, I wouldn't have it back yet but Cricket sent me one of those Come back and get first month free fliers so I have it back for a month, maybe more.
We've spent most of the last three weeks with the van out of commission. the half shaft broke when Jeremy was driving it home from work one day. Patrick came and looked at it and said to tow it to his house and he would fix it. Once he got it there his neighbor, Pirate, looked at it and said that the shaft had broken because all three motor mounts were broken. We gave Pat $140. to do the half shaft and $220 to pirate to replace the motor mounts and it took them a week to get it done because Garcia tires had tightened the lug nuts too tight when they put tires on it last month and they ended up having to to drill them out. I picked up the van on a Friday and Monday I was driving Jess home and there was a terrible noise in the front end. I crept home with it and called Patrick who came and said the half shaft had broken again and to tow it back to his house. I was afraid to even call him because I knew how sick he was of working on it but he was a great sport about it. When he got it home he and Pirate looked at it and didn't see any reason the half shaft would have broken again so they concluded that the shaft they got must have been defective and they warrantied getting another one. Pat picked me up to get the van a few days later. I had Jessalynn with me and we got about a mile from Patrick's and the damn thing broke again. I tried to limp it back to Pat's but there was no driving it this time. I couldn't find my phone but a man was out on his porch by where we broke down and he let me use his phone but I couldn't remember anyone's number except my own. One of the crimes of Speed Dial. I wasn't sure where I left my phone but I kept calling it and after almost an hour Patrick answered it!!! He said it was in his car and he wouldn't have heard it but someone stopped by to see him and he heard the phone when he stepped out to talk to them. He took us home to wait for the new diagnosis. It rained the next night but the next he and Pirate got out there and looked and saw that the main new motor mount was broken again. It is supposed that it broke before the last time the shaft broke but they didn't look for that since they were new. The auto parts wouldn't warranty the shaft again but they did at least warranty the mount, another $70. for the shaft, and Pat had it done in that night. It feels OK, made it home and have used it to take Jessalynn to school and Jeremy to work, but it is WAY out of line from all the work but I have no clue how we will pay for it after all we have paid to get it fixed and fixed and fixed, somewhere over $500.
We had all kinds of plans for Labor Day weekend, Rocky Horror was showing and there was Septemberfest, but I had been running a high fever for four days by Friday and I was still trying to get ready to go to Rocky Horror when my heart started skipping beats and feeling pretty uncomfortable. tried to ignore it but it kept on so Jeremy insisted we go to the ER instead of RH and they ended up admitting me for the weekend. Of course Jeremy stayed at the hospital the whole time with me making them wheel a roll-away bed in for him, I had a private room. I was supposed to pick up a heart monitor to wear after I got out but then the van started its antics and I still haven't picked it up. Jaz has been with me and sick since I got the van, well, she has been here way before she got sick, but I can't get to the fifth floor at the Med Center with her with me unless I get the single stroller from Jeanette. On my list of things to do....
Jeanette and Rob moved into a house on NJ. 45th last weekend. It is less expensive than where they were, where they were several months behind on the rent, and I think it is a nicer house, too. Jenise transferred from Benson West to Fontenelle whee Robby is in pre-K a week before they moved. Nett had problems with BW and I'm not thrilled at the switch, not sure if Nici is either, but it is done for now.
Jami is still at FW with Kira and could be released from there in the next month if she has a plan for where to live and how to take care of Kira. I am not sure how I feel about it. I don't think she is ready to have Kira on her own yet, her ability to stay drug free hasn't been tested in the Free world at all, but I hope for the best. I nor KVC have anything to say about what goes on with her or Kira since Kira joined her at FW, Judge Johnson makes all of the decisions and sometimes I think he is pretty clueless. Not just my opinion, several official people have voiced similar comments about him and how lenient he is with those assigned to his drug court.

Stormy Night

2010-07-14T22:24:00.002-06:00

A BIG storm blew through here this evening with wind gusts of 80 mph. I tried to go out and save my potted zuccini and the wind broke it as I was trying to get to it. Kira was screaming because the wind was blowing things in the door so I gave it up and came in and watched my little garden get battered. Jess lost power as soon as it hit, a lot of Omaha is still without power, but Jess got turned back on about 30 minutes ago. It was over pretty quick leaving Omaha a mess in its wake.
Tomorrow Kira goes to stay with Jami at Family Works. I will still be picking her up during the day until daycare is set up for her there and she will be able to come visit still, too. Jami will get her first four hour pass Saturday, I will pick her up at 8 and return her at noon. I know Jami hates it there but hope that something clicks with her to help her stay off drugs. She could be one of the hardest core addicts they have had to deal with there and I sometimes think they are out of their depth. I don't have any better ideas but I'm not convinced that they know what they are doing either.
Kira and Jaz are still fighting that bug. Kira also has a hellacious yeast infection in her diaper area that is making her miserable.
We are having a very hot July. Today was miserable in the 90's with the heat index around 115. I did 12 loads of laundry this morning and thought I was going to have another heat stroke. The laundromat was only a few degrees cooler than outside. It feels like Texas...
Time for sleep!

Kira's Transition

2010-07-12T15:24:00.002-06:00

Kira has been spending more and more time with Jami at Family Works and will be joining Jami there full time maybe tonight. She is spending the night there and I am picking her up in the mornings until her day care is set up. Jami has been having a bit of a tough time with her. Kira doesn't sleep through the night there and wakes crying often. That should get better with time. Kira has always slept the night through here, she just isn't used to being there yet.
both Kira and Jaz are sick. I got Jeanette's kids last week and Riley was pretty sick when he got here. He went home the next day and the big kids stayed a few days. Kira and Jaz woke with runny noses two days after Riley was here. Kira still only has a cold but Jaz is having a tough time like she always does because of her asthma. We have it under control for now but still monitor her very closely.
Jessalynn went camping at Two Rivers over the weekend with Alexis's family and seems to have had a good time even though they got rained out the last night. Jess and I both worried about her being at the river with all the recent flooding but she made it home safe and sunburned.
Every thing is hard for me. I am in so much pan every day now I am afraid of what the future has for me. I asked Dr. Gold if maybe I should be tested or exrayed or something to see if there is anything new that is wrong or that can be done for me but he didn't even answer me. My eye is still swollen every morning. Not sure if that is normal or not....
All.

Fourth of July

2010-07-06T20:13:00.002-06:00

Kirk is out back shooting off bottle rockets with the big kids. Nici and Robby didn't get to go to a firework show so I asked Kirk to come and shoot of what he has.
Jessalynn went to Alexis's house for the fourth so we went to Harrahs without her for the first time since we have been up here. BUT before that we went to the outdoor concert at Memorial Park for the first time. Every other year since we came to Omaha something has come up and we couldn't go. This year Kansas, Styx, and Foreigner were playing and the city expected to top the record 40,000 people who attended. 80,000 people showed up!!!! We got there late because Jeremy had to work. People were parking about a mile away by the time we got there. I dropped Jeremy off, Kansas had already played but he got there right as Styx was starting. I took Kira home for most of the concert and went back to get him but I couldn't get near the place to get him. Dodge street was closed off by then so I parked and we walked to the park texting Jeremy to meet up with him. He'd gotten pretty close to the stage, of course, and it was really crazy up there. People were comparing it to Woodstock and it smelled like skunks and there were a lot of drunks and people were body surfing the crowd and everything. The fireworks were awesome, I've never been that close to a big firework show. Leaving the park we got turned around in the crowd somehow and ended up walking a half mile the wrong way, turned around ,and found the van. I thought I wasn't going to make it a few times!! The traffic leaving the park was unbelievable, we wouldn't know that there were 80,000 people there until the next day but it looked like all of Omaha was driving away from Memorial Park.
I could barely walk the next day, my feet were so swollen I felt taller, but the pain is better today.
Jami had Kira for an overnight visit Saturday night. Kira seemed to enjoy herself. Jami called around noon Sunday saying she hurt her back and needed to go to an ER and could I come get Kira early. I told her Jeremy had the van so I couldn't go there before four. They were fine when I got there. Kira seemed to enjoy having the run of the place but Jami did look very tired from running after her.
I got all of the kids today. I'll likely keep all of them except Riley for a few days. Riley would have a meltdown if he was away from home for too long.
I saw Dr. Gold today. I asked if there was anything more that could be done for me and he pretty much said no.
I'm not accepting that.
OK. Out of here.
Peace!

The Big Hep C Scare

2010-06-28T19:04:00.003-06:00

One of those things that happen to me. I got a call after I got home from my surgery that the doctor had cut himself while doing my surgery and would I come back in for blood tests. I went back and the next day Dr. Rosman's nurse called and told me that I had tested positive for Hep C antibodies. I asked how that could be, I don't shoot drugs etc. and she said it likely came from the hospital. I arranged to go in for tests to see if I have the building blocks of Hep C building up in my blood, hung up the phone, calmly told Jeremy and was looking for Kira's brush to do her hair and I just lost it, throwing things and kicking the cabinets, lasted about two minutes, and I was fine again. I had the blood drawn last Thursday and I was going to call for the results after taking the girls to school this morning. When I got my phone I noticed I'd missed a half dozen calls from the clinic so I called and was put on hold and I sat there waiting for someone to come on and tell me that life as it was was over. Dr. Rosman herself picked up the phone and she sounded as happy as she made me when she said the tests were negative!!!!!! I swear this was the longest weekend I have ever had to live through!!! And thank all of you who were praying for me, I think He must have heard because I knew my immune system wasn't going to put up a big fight on its own against anything.
I went to Family Works and signed up to be able to visit Jami and got to see her for a little while yesterday. She looks much better, has put on a little weight and is clear eyed. She readily admits to being strung out before going there now and I really hope she will succeed with this program but am worried still. I asked them for a success percentage rate for their program and no one knew it. Today Cheri told me they are too new to have a track record yet. Not the best news. Also, all of the other women there are much, much, younger than Jami and I couldn't shake the feeling that it would be so much better if I had found a program like this for her when it all first started. She is too used to doing whatever she has to do to be free again instead of trying to really get help and I worry that even if she is trying, old habits are very hard to break. Not just the drug habit but the habit of playing to get whatever she wants. This could be her last chance and I pray every minute that it will work but I am prepared to accept it and whatever the consequences are for her if it doesn't help her. She should be able to have Kira there with her by this weekend and that will tell every one more. Cheri is worried about the day care they will put Kira in, she says the kids going there have inch thick incident reports for being injured, hit, bitten, etc. while at that daycare!!!! A lot of this just makes me sick and Cheri is clearly the only one in the system who really cares about what will be best for Jami and Kira in the long run. The "system" remains so flawed it doesn't even deserve to be called a system!! It's just a mess of rules and laws and plans that go no where but spend the government money alloted to them.
Maybe next I will write about what I would do if I had the government funding they spend on problem families....

Four Days After Surgery

2010-06-22T09:04:00.002-06:00

Better but still a pain in the eye. I'll be super glad when the healing is over.
Still no word from or about Jami. I hope she is doing well in there. I took a bunch of groceries up there for her when she got there but won't know if she needs more until I can have some contact with her. I think I took two weeks worth but she likely was very hungry. they provide one meal day at FW and expect them to have food stamps in place for the rest. Not sure if Jami has that yet although I know she applied. Cheri will be here today for Kirk's visit so maybe she will know something.
I accidentally stabbed myself in the finger yesterday to the bone. I was stupidly using a knife to try to open a sinus spray, I would have yelled at Jeremy for using a knife in that way! and am paying for it. It hurts like hell!!!!!
I picked up Jessalynn and Jaz last night. I've missed Jessalynn terribly while she was in OK with her father!!! I think she missed me, too, since she called me to come get her. And of course I couldn't get just her or Jaz would have had a fit and we love having both of them. Kira does, too. She gets bored without Jaz and then she is harder to take care of!!!! They are soooo sweet!!!!! I love how they cuddle the most. Jaz hangs on fr dear life and Kira just snuggles down in my lap rubbing her little face on me. I need to get Riley over her as soon as I am a little better. He is starting to love being with Grandma, too, and is a real sweetie himself. He looks soooo much like Robby did!!!
All for now. Trouble makers go to hell!!!!! You know who you are!!!!!
See you all later!!!!

Day After Surgery

2010-06-19T09:44:00.002-06:00

It is finally over!!! I had my eye surgery yesterday morning. Waking up after was as bad as I expect and so was having to ride home with Jeremy driving after, but today it feels better than I dared hope it would. I still need a little percocet but I expect Iwon't need it beyond this weekend if that long. And I already don't see double anymore, even with the swelling the eye is open more.
The doctor called after I got home and said that he had cut himself working on my eye and that we both had to have bloodwork done right away. I went back to the hospital for it and he got the results right away, must be a perk of being a doctor because I have to wait days to get bloodwork results!! We are both disease free.
Jami checked into Family Works Monday. Right away they moved her to Campus for Hope for drug detox but she was returned to FW after three days there.
Oh, a note for someone who tried to stir up trouble over this blog between Jami and me. Your ignorance of the best things for Jami has always caused more harm than good and you will never get what you hope for from your useless interference.
Wow, I worded that much nicer than I thought I could.
Now time to sit around and heal.
See you all later!

Long Week

2010-06-05T13:42:00.002-06:00

Summer school started Tuesday. I also took the babies and myself to the doctor. We all have bronchitis and a few ear infections, got antibiotics, getting better. Jaz had to be nebulized pretty often at first but is better now, only have to treat her a few times a day.
I got the kids to school late most days this week. I still feel pretty rough and am worried because I have to pass a physical Monday to be able to have my surgery next Friday. I got the paper work in the mail about the eye surgery, wish I hadn't read about it, it sounds like it is going to be horrible, but I'm this close, I am doing it if I pass that physical.
My family is running me ragged. I don't know how to protect myself from it but maybe I need to learn.

We're sick!!!

2010-05-27T20:35:00.002-06:00

The babies and I are sick and I am afraid Jeremy and Jessalynn will come down with it, too. Kirk was coming down with something nasty at his last visit and we haven't been around anyone else sick that I know of. My head was spinning when I got up and I would fall if I turned my head too fast. Sore throat, yucky all over bug. I wanted to stay home but Jeanette called and reminded me it was the day to enroll Robby in pre-K so I drug myself out and went and got them. We went to the TAC building, I had called them earlier and they told me we didn't have to have Robby's birth certificate to enroll him, but when we got there they said that he wouldn't be placed in a class until we brought it so we rushed downtown and got it and then to his doctor for his shot records and back to the TAC building and three hours later it was done. I stopped at the store for milk and supper and came home in time for Jeremy to leave for work. He is normally off on Thursdays but is working tonight so he can be off for Robby's birthday party Saturday.
Jaz is already having trouble breathing, have to nebulize her every two hours, sure hope to not have to take her to the hospital this time!!
Kirk got a phone which will help him stay in touch with CPS and me. He said that Jami missed court this morning and then missed a bus she was supposed to be taking to see Carrie in Minnesota today. He sounds a little better, less confused and heartbroken, but I know he is still hoping to work things out with Jami somehow.
Yesterday little Michael, two doors down, puked in their dining room and Donetta is one of those people who absolutely can't take the smell of puke so I went and steam cleaned it with Odoban for them. She was so grateful I felt like a fraud taking all her thanks, it wasn't a big deal for me, sure am used to kids puking!!!!!

My Jeremy

2010-05-26T16:05:00.002-06:00

I am very, very, worried about Jeremy. His shoulder is getting to be unbearably painful and his "doctor" at the Native American clinic won't give him anything for pain, not even cortizone shots which might help. Also his back has been hurting him a lot, I do all of the household chores these days, but I don't know how much longer he is going to be able to keep his job like this. I want him to at lest tell them he needs to work at the counter instead of back in the kitchen but he hasn't yet. I talked to him today about maybe getting a house and opening a home day care instead of him working at Popeyes and he looked like he might think ab out that if I could set it up. I am hoping to move to a house soon anyhow. We need a bigger place with a fenced yard for the kids. I think I could get out of the lease here if we can find a house and get the money together to move, deposits, utility transfers, etc.Also, Jeremy is having bad seizures even when he takes his medication. I have to find a way to get him an appointment we can make it to at the Winnebago Hospital where he can see a neurologist for his seizures. We would likely have to make that an overnight trip which is going to cost us, too, but I will find a way to do all of these things.
I will.

US

2010-05-12T20:18:00.000-06:00

Caring for you
is selfish
caring for myself
because our souls are linked
though they belong
to someone else.
I breathe for us
and to hold my breath
would only quicken
to happen again
our earthly death.
My heart is not golden
my generosity a scam
I say
Are you OK?
just to see if I AM.

Kira in the Morning

2010-05-11T06:35:00.002-06:00

After I take Jessalynn to school Kira is usually the first one to wake up. I go and get her out of her bed at the first whimper and carry her to the couch and sit with her in my lap while she wakes up. She snuggles warm against my chest rubbing her little face against me and I smell the sweet softness of her still so tiny for a 16 month old. After a little while she will look up at me with those big shiny blue eyes and reach up and give me a sloppy kiss to let me know she is ready for our morning games. She likes to turn my head away from her and then I snap my face back towards her and we both say Boo! and giggle. Then she grabs both of my hands and puts them to cover my face and Peek-a-boo starts for a while. Then we play all of our lap time games. She likes to make me make funny noises while she touches my lips and we work on learning the parts of our faces and I get lots of giggles and kisses. Out morning time is usually about thirty minutes and I try to engrave every minute on my heart like I did with all my girls and now all my grandchildren. This morning time together is our favorite time together.

Mother's Day

2010-05-11T06:27:00.002-06:00

Mother's Day started with a text from Jami. I had all six kids here so it wasn't much of a break for me or anything but it was kind of nice. Jeremy came home early from work and brought me a Subway and took over the kids so I could take a nap. Jeanette came and got her kids while I was napping and left a bouquet or flowers by me on the bed. I got the most beautiful and mushy card from Jess, I love it! and she sent Jessalynn a card from Padukah, too. Jeremy cooked a steak dinner for supper and I went back to bed stuffed and had the best sleep I have had in ages. Sleep , food, and child care, Jeremy couldn't have done better for me!!!!!

Sick Babies!!!!!!

2010-04-27T20:19:00.001-06:00

Jessalynn has been sick since Nett's kids were here and then Kira cried from midnight to 4 am and Jess says Jaz did the same. Their tummies hurt them and now they have the snottiest noses on top of that. jess brought me Jaz today because she is desperate not to get sick, I already have it, and also Jaz is the only one running a hight fever and will likely end up in the ER as usual. Kira at least was playing and smiling today, Jaz is just miserable.
The good news is that I finally found a double stroller on Craig's List for $50. and I already went and got it before someone else did. It is really nice and should make life a little easier with the babies. I should have a triple for when Riley is with us but I couldn't find one of those. But I mostly have the two.

Sick Babies!!!!!!

2010-04-27T20:19:00.000-06:00

Jeremy and Rhoda Go OUT!

2010-04-26T20:59:00.002-06:00

OK, yea, we took two babies with us but we went out to eat for the first time in at least a year!!! We took Kira and Jaz to the Olive Garden and had a really good time. The babies were really good for their first restaurant experience. They made quite a mess but there was no crying or anything but fun with them. We ate too much and the babies left a lot of noodles under the table, we left a big tip for that! Jaz stabbed her breadstick with a crayon and ate it off the crayon. Kira ate her crayon. It felt really good to get out like that.
We also stopped by the liquidation place Jess is working at. I bought some piercing earrings and we looked everything over. They are going to stay another week and we will probably go back and buy a new stereo for the van, ours gave out last week.
Jess gave me a pair of silver spider earrings and a COACH purse last night. She seems to be much much happier working and she is doing very well there. She was promoted already and is getting into her job. It makes me happy to see her happy. :)
Jessalynn went home last night and Jaz today so it is just Kira with us again for a while. She loves having Jaz here but she likes this 1 on 1 time a lot, too, and so do I. I think it is good for us.
Kira's social worker, Linda, stopped by to visit today. She's really a sweet woman and she is happy with Kira's life here.
All.

Saturday Robby Sick

2010-04-24T06:30:00.002-06:00

No Robby and Jenise today. Robby has been sick for several days, vomiting and just feeling terrible. So it is just jessalynn and the babies today.
A man called me yesterday asking if I could watch Jess's kids while he took her to work for him in Kentucky. Jess is working for him here right now for $100. a day cooking lunches but he wants her to be his front person, not sure what the business is exactly but Jess says quite a few people travel with him working. I'll have to find out more. Jess isn't sure she wants to do it, this trip would be for 2 weeks and then he wants her to work for him in the fall, too. I don't have a problem watching the kids but I want to check the guy out a little.
Gene called yesterday. Talk about surreal! He doesn't sound the same at all, of course. He says he has thought about me often through the years, surprising since we didn't see each other much at all when we were kids and I doubt he even knew I had puppy love for him. He is going to send me pics of him through the years so I can grow him up in my head. Jeremy is OK with me talking to Gene. I have started searching for Bobby Montfort. I think he deserves whatever dirty trick I can think up for telling me Gene was dead.
The babies are all growing up too fast and I think these could be my last grandchildren unless Jess has another. Kira has learned how to climb out of her crib and playpen although I have never seen her do it and don't know how she does it but I have put her to bed several times only to have her walk into the living room smiling or woke up with her in our bed.
Yesterday Jeremy got up and said he had a bad dream about me losing all memory of him and then dying and he started crying telling me. I'm always surprised at how much he loves me.
Jim says he talked to Jami at Sandy's but I have heard nothing from her.
All.
PS Mikey is a punk.

Zoo with Jessalynn's class

2010-04-22T18:52:00.002-06:00

Jeremy, Kira, Jaz and I met Jessalynn's class at the zoo for a field trip today. We met at the Treetop Restaurant at 11 and the class was split into groups between the volunteer parents and we had until 1 to explore the zoo. We only had two girls besides Jessalynn and we went to see the alligators first, the the gorillas, and then it is a bit of a blur of pain. I should have volunteered for a sit down field trip!!! Thank goodness Jeremy came!!! We signed Jessalynn out of class and stayed at the zoo for a couple of hours after the class left. We rode the tram, the train and Skyfari were closed, and we went and saw the elephants and a few other things before I couldn't go any more and we came home. I offered to wait in the van with the babies napping until Jeremy and Jessalynn were done but they were tired, too.
Kira didn't notice much yet except in the Petting Zoo where the goats swarmed their double stroller and both babies pet them and loved it. Jaz surprised me by being more aware of the animals, even the ones behind glass. She was a little scared of the big gorilla that was right by the thick glass but seemed to figure out that they couldn't get to her.
It would have been better if I could have been getting around better. Maybe we should go more often and I would get stronger and last longer although I'm not sure if being stronger is the problem. I am just too beat up. That's as much as I will admit.
We took Jessalynn home and ran a couple of errands for Jess and came home like two old folks, I ache all over and Jeremy had a huge headache when we got here but some Ibuprophen seems to be helping him. I took three of my pain pills, too, and feel a little better but they don't do much for the pain in my poor feet. Gotta get them fixed when I get through with some of the other repairs.
Been talking to Mikey on Facebook. Haven't heard anything from him in so long I was getting worried that there was something wrong but he is the same aging punk as always.
Hope he still peeks in here once in a while!!
All.

Frantic!!!

2010-04-22T18:44:00.002-06:00

I don't know what to do about Jami. I am getting frantic calls about her that are all bad. I talked to someone she has known most of her life who didn't recognize her when he ran into her the other day. Said she is skin and bones. Another person sys her face is one big scab from doing meth and picking at the zits. I hear the man she is with has been charged with rape before, is being hunted by the Mexicans on south O, uses both opiates and meth, and I know he has a warrant in Sarpy County for Possession of a Controlled Substance. Her bondsman is calling and actively searching for her and I hear that it will be the saving of her if they find her and lock her up where she will be somewhat safe. She is throwing what life she has left away and there is nothing I can do to save her but pray. I hear she has been up for weeks and is picking fights with people she "has no business" starting fights with. Everyone who cares bout her is terrified for her and they are all the people she is badmouthing and doing wrong. Her father is scared for her life and all she does is talk shit about him being "against" her. She blames me for her not going to court and says I kept the court date from her so she would lose Kira, like I would have to do anything to cause that, she is doing it all by herself, but it gives her her reason to not talk to me... How to save her from herself???
The bondsman. He has to find her for us. Fast.

It is really spring!

2010-04-20T21:19:00.002-06:00

It is so nice out I am wanting to get out of the city. I would love to make a trip to the farm but second choice would be to go to one of the lakes close to here.
I took Jaz off of the bottle a few days ago. She was harder to get off it than Kira, maybe because we waited too long with her although I don't think she would have been very easy anytime. She loves her ba ba!!! I am keeping her until she is through the worst of it, maybe she is now, but I still rock her to sleep.
Kira and Jaz give each other kisses, too cute!!! Jaz said her own name today in a sentence, "Jaz poopie"!! I blew bubbles for them today and they both can say "bubbles".
I've been seeing the pee doctor again for infusions. Not much fun but I let things get pretty bad.
I finally heard from Jami today but I don't know how much to believe of what all she says. Nothing she says matches up with anything else I hear almost all of the time. She says she has been off drugs for ten days and is through the withdrawals, she says Breezy went nuts and accused her of sleeping with her man, (She called Jess from said man's phone a couple of days ago), and more, can't remember all of it. Her bondsman called me today looking for her and I told her that and she said she is going to go to open court tomorrow morning and take care of it. One thing she said is the same as what all I hear about, she says there are people who want to hurt her and that she is afraid of getting jumped. She says she is still planing to fight for Kira and that she wants to make sure that Kirk doesn't get her. I asked her if I could get Kirk's wallet for him so he can start work release and she said not until he talks to her. I reminded her that no one has been able to find her to talk to her for a week and she got a little shady denying that. Then she did say a minute later that no one has known where she has been staying. I didn't make any comment to most of what she said, I just don't have anything to say when she talks about all the things she is going to do because she usually doesn't do any of them and then blames everyone else and I just don't want to get involved in it or believe it until I see it. I don't know how many times she has told me that she was done with drugs and already through her withdrawals. I don't think it has ever been true unless she was going to the Methadone clinic regularly, which is still doing drugs, and she wasn't drug free for much of the time that she did go to the clinic. She says still, although not to me again, that it is my fault that she missed court in Iowa. I do remember her public defender calling me once and wanting to know if I knew about Jami's next court date and I told her that I knew nothing about her charges in Iowa but that I had just talked to Jami and would tell her to call her and I did right away. Jami just said OK and I assumed she would call her. Guess she didn't or forgot what she was told if she did.
Jeremy is working about 50 hours a week lately. We don't see a lot of each other but I guess it is good that he is making some money now. We both have a little money in the bank right now and it feels pretty good. If Jess could get on her feet I would have more but she is working at the mall again and maybe someday Patrick will start paying child support like he is supposed to. We have been hearing that his boss is taking the money out of his checks but not giving it to Child Support and that Pat is too scared of losing his job to say anything even though it is costing him in interest building up and costing Jessalynn having everything she needs and costing me to make up for him not paying all of the time but it gets to sounding like bullshit after a while. I hate to think Patrick is such a pussy he would let someone rip off him, not to mention Jessalynn, month after month for this long. Sorry Patrick, but either you are a pussy or you are lying.
All for now.

By By Long Hair!!!!

2010-04-14T16:03:00.002-06:00

I finally did it. Mom would be so happy. I had my hair cut shaggy and layered shoulder length this morning. It isn't exactly what I wanted but it will do for now. I don't know anyone's opinion on it yet, Jeremy saw but he wouldn't say if it was terrible, but I feel better and that is what I was after.
Jami was a no call no show today. I tried to call her cell but kept getting a recording saying she was out of area of the phone was turned off. I wish I could understand what is going on with her. Besides the obvious that she is blowing a smoke screen of lies to cover up something. She called yesterday and said that a warrant had gone out for her because her lawyer had told me about her having a court date in CB and that I didn't tell her so she missed it. I knew that wasn't true, my memory is slipping a little but not that bad! She went on talking about not knowing that she missed court last week until I said, Wait a minute. Kirk told me that you missed your court date last week, the next day. How did he know and you didn't?? She seemed confused and didn't say anything else about it. Them Kirk called last night and said that Jami told him that her lawyer called me and told me that she would be arrested if she didn't turn herself in last night. Again, I would have remembered that! and i told Kirk about her call to me. Jami has always been a little honesty challenged but this lately is just really crazy. Kirk hopes that it all is about her not having her medication but I think there is more than that. She has been without it for longer many times and not gone off the deep end like this. Drugs and men cause her to act like this. Ithink Kirk must have heard something about Joey because he made the comment that he wouldn't care what else she might have done since he has been in jail if she would just stop and start trying to get Kira back. Kirk said she spoke as though she has given up on ever getting Kira back. I want to yell, But you didn't try yet!!! But i just don't understand the hold addiction has on her. Never have although I try. I can't imagine anything I wouldn't give up to keep one of my own with me, even my own life easily. But there are many, many women who make the same decision to do drugs. And being an addict isn't the biggest stumbling block to her ability to take care of a baby. It is the way she lives. This living in a half world, an underworld, blind to the people and years passing her by while she is down there . I just hope she isn't thinking it will all be here waiting for her if she does decide to return to us. Her children will be grown and I could be dead by then and she would go back down and never come back. Or maybe she is already gone forever. We all had some hope while she was pregnant and going to the methadone clinic regularly but there was that time I heard her say that she would be happy to be able to do some meth on the weekends once in a while after she had her baby. All the warning bells went off. The other day Jeanette said that she was grateful for Jami's last pregnancy because it let her have a chance to be with the real Jami for a little while. That made me feel so sad and realize again how Jami's addiction causes everyone who loves her pain.
Wednesdays go better for me since I don't pick up the girls from school. I can let Jeremy take the van to work and go to bed early and not have to or be able to run all over the place.
I had my infusion at Dr. Felony's office today. It was painful but if I remember right it gets easier. I am supposed to go for one every week for six weeks and start physical therapy.
I have to look up Jess's child support for her now.

Another One

2010-04-14T05:32:00.002-06:00

Up too early again. Jeremy woke in one of his soaking sweats around four and I have been up since but I did go to sleep earlier than usual last night. I don't know what to do for Jeremy. I think there is something wrong but I don't think Fred Leroy can help him much more. It is great that they do the things they do for Native Americans but they are limited.
I looked up what is wrong with Jeanette. She has Uterine Prolapse, likely from Riley's rough delivery. Again, I am having a hard time getting help for her without her having insurance or qualifying for medicaid but we will get this taken care of. .
Should be an easier day for me. No kid pick up after school because it is Girl Scout day. It is hard with Jeremy working so much now but we do need the money so there isn't much to do about that right now.

Tuesday Morning

2010-04-13T05:32:00.002-06:00

Another sleepless night, I think from the Prednisone I have been taking but I am done with it, just have to get it out of my system.
Jeremy got a nice paycheck yesterday that should help us get a few things done that have been put off. Like pay the electric!! And maybe I can get Kira some summer clothes.
Jami has done a flip. She is talking about starting to dress and act like a 33 year old woman, whatever that is going to mean if anything long term. She has the best ideas sometimes but just can't carry through very often. I always hope to some degree but I have become a little jaded with it and have a I'll wait and see attitude. So, maybe. It has been four months since Kira was made a ward of the state.
It is funny how hard it hit me that Gene is alive. It doesn't really matter in my life right now, but it is a grief I suffered so young and there has always been this sorrow in me that I know now didn't need to be there. I would very likely have never have seen him again after his family moved to California. I wouldn't have forgotten him, he was the first guy I actually liked, but I keep thinking if my world would have been different without carrying that grief all these years. I am sick at the cruel joke of being told Gene was dead. I am glad he is alive but it would have been really nice to have never have thought him dead.
Dr. Felony for me today and Fred Leroy clinic for Jeremy today, hopefully they will help him with that torn rotary cuff or whatever is hurting his shoulder so badly.
Off to start the day but I sure hope I find a nap today!

6 Kids Overnight!!!

2010-04-11T10:43:00.003-06:00

Three big kids, if 8 and under is big, three babies, 15 to 18 months!!! What a houseful!!
Lesson 1: If you decide to make six kids root beer floats in a blender put the lid on before turning on the blender!
Not too old to learn new things.
I don't hear much from Jami. Very worried about her state of mind. She is very paranoid and angry. She keeps getting angry at Jim saying everything is his fault and making wild accusations against him and I guess me, too, since I was included in yesterday's. She told Jim that Jess told her that he came over here and the he and I went outside and had a long talk about keeping Kira from her. Never happened, don't remember when Jim was last here. Then last night she did something like have reezy talk to Jim on the phone with her listening, and the day before I got a call from her friend, Chad, out of the blue asking what I knew about her and I don't think he could have had my number unless Jami gave it to him to call. The sad thing is how out of focus all of these games are. None of it has anything to do with her getting Kira back. Making it to all of her visits and court appearances, getting off drugs, going to the methadone clinic, those are the things she needs to be worried about instead of playing these intrigue games. I don't know what she is really thinking at all. She got offended that I knew about Joey and denied everything which didn't bother me a bit and I let her know it didn't really matter to me, only commenting Yea, your father told me that you were done with Joey. Smoke screens, that's what it seems like she is doing. Making a facade of BS to not say whatever is really going on with her. Or maybe she is just that out of it. I know she has been out of psych meds for a while and she may be too far gone with that to do the things she needs to do to get them now. It is all sad and I have no clue what if anything to do for her especially since she isn't really talking to me.
Enough of that.
The first boy I had a real thing for when I was maybe 13 or 14 was named Gene. His family moved to California and when I went to ask one of his friends, Bobby Shitheads, if he had heard from him he told me that Gene had been killed in a car accident going to California. I went into a deep mourning and then started searching for information on what happened. I've been looking for Gene ever since any way I knew how. When I got Internet years ago I started doing people searches and got nothing but I also couldn't find him in the deceased on the Social Security site so I kept looking. Then I put a search in Facebook and lo and behold Gene is alive and well. Emailing him is unreal and I know it is really him from the things he knows. Some part of me just knew I would find him alive someday but I never thought it would take almost forty years!!!
That's all folks!

Well I'm Stumped

2010-04-09T16:37:00.003-06:00

I don't know what is going on with Jami. She has missed her visits this week and I haven't talked to her. I have tried to call her a few times and got no answer and she left me a message last night saying she would be here for her visit today but no call no show again. I'm hearing terrible things about her and have no clue what she is planning or if she is even able to plan anything. Kirk going to jail has just been really bad news. I hear from people in CB that she has been seeing, some say going with, Joey Torez, which is down right frightening, and Kirk says she won't hardly take his calls and when she does she tells him that she wishes they hadn't had Kira, that everything is his fault, and that she now has a warrant in CB for not going to court on her old possession of methamphetamines charge. I don't know if she is going to the methadone clinic, Kirk doesn't think she will be showing up for drug court on Tuesdays because of the new warrant, and it looks like she is just headed for trouble. I have also heard that Joey's wife is out to kill her, not too surprising, but nothing sounds good. It is hrd to think she is hanging with people like Joey and Mike Watson. One of her friends called me today asking about her but I got a feeling that he might have been trying to find out how much I know, maybe Jami asked him to call. I didn't say a lot but I did say I knew about Joey. He acted like he didn't know anything about it but then later in the conversation said something that made me think he did. Whatever. I don't like these games.
I went to the ER 'cause I couldn't sleep with wheezing so loud and I have pneumonia. They gave me antibiotics and steroids and I already feel better. I've been getting sicker and sicker for a while, I got to where I forgot what it felt like to not be sick but I decided to find out. Much better.
Jessalynn is spending the night with Nett and I have Kira and Jaz here. They are so fun and soooo much work to keep up with!!!
I have been on Jess to get her act together better and she is trying even though I didn't think she would while I was trying to talk to her. I swear it was just like trying to talk to her when she was fifteen, rolling her eyes, making faces, and blaming me for everything. That hurt. She was the most trouble as a teenager, even more than Jami, and I put more into saving her from herself than any of them and this is what I get now. I tried not to show too much how much she hurt me but to talk to her I was the worst mother in the world and she was the mistreated angel. I tried everything for and with her.

Jeanette finally got to see a doctor and got her ultrasound done of the lump in her breast. It turned out to be fine but during the physical something almost just as bad came up. Her uterus is falling out of her body and they say she has to have a hysterectomy and that the condition is very serious. The problem now is no insurance and she is trying to figure out how to qualify for Medicaid. I think she should have Rob move to his mother's and then she would easily qualify. She had better do that if we don't think of anything else. They also thought her thyroid was enlarged but say the TSH test ws normal but we will have to be on the look out for taht ,too, with me having Grave's Disease.
Wow. Dont I have anything cheerful to write???
The spring weather is beautiful. I hope to be well enough to have all of the kids over tomorrow and do something outside with them even if it is just a picnic out back. I am feeling much better. I said that, didn't I?
Now that's bad when you have to talk about the weather to say something pleasant.

Easter and HAPPY BIRTHDAY lINDSEY

2010-04-04T08:57:00.002-06:00

It is Easter morning. I have Kira, Jessalynn, Jaz, Jenise and Robby and have to get them ready to go to Nett's for their egg hunt and then the rest of the holiday things we do and I have a headache and was up until four this morning!!! Gotta put on the happy face and get this done right.
Ooops. I put hair dye in the kid's hair and it got all over them especially on their faces and we can't get it off!!!! Nett and Jess are going to kill me!!!! I don't remember having such a mess when my girls did this when they were little. AND it is getting all over their Easter clothes, too!!!
I am also sad that it is Lindsey's birthday and I am not allowed to talk to or communicate with her in any way according to John's rule.
That is just wrong.
Jeremy has to work today and is sad to miss Easter with the kids. He is working way too much. He is in constant pain from the torn rotary cuff and from the wreck and I am afraid he is going to work until he just can't move even with the medicine.
Happy Easter!

Keeping the kids another day

2010-03-24T16:42:00.003-06:00

It's just fun having them all here and no one is asking to go home. It's not as nice of a day today, cloudy and spitting a bit, but I let them out in coats to run off some steam. Also, I developed a migraine after I decided to keep them so I need a bit here to get rid of it.
I'm going to repay Cheri for the sushi by making her some of my famous tempura next week on one of the visits. I haven't made it for a loooong time, not the best food for me with the cholesterol problem, but this is a good excuse.
I don't feel bad about doubting John's motives since telling Beaver and hearing how much he thinks it stinks.
Jami came for her visit today, back to her methadone self, which is much better that her meth self. She's a bit sheepish about her behavior Saturday and is back to swearing it is the last time so hopefully we won't see that for a while.
All.

tuesday still have the kids

2010-03-23T15:56:00.002-06:00

It is a beautiful day here. Jessalynn, Jenise, and Robby are out front drawing on the sidewalks with sidewalk chalk, the babies are playing together, and I am baking cookies that smell great.
Cheri texted me that she had a surprise for me and she got here at 2 with sushi, salad with carrot dressing, and fried ice cream!!! The best surprise I have had in a long time and delicious, too. Jami didn't call or show today so Cheri left after her required 15 minute wait.
A couple of people have called looking for Jami today. Jim called and talked to her briefly at Sandy's and I guess it wasn't very pleasant so I think he hung up on her but I know where she is.
I got an email from John Perton today pretty much saying none of us would get any news or pictures of Lindsey ever again unless she makes contact after she is 18. I understand him wanting to keep her away from Jami but I wonder about him cutting her off from so much family that love her and that she loves. This included Mikey and his girls, too, so Lindsey has three sisters she will not even know when she is 18. I wish I could think that John is doing this totally for what he believes is Lindsey's own good but I can't stop thinking that it is his own prejudices and dislike of me and maybe others here making him do this. I know I always kept my kids as close to family as I could thinking that if anything ever happened to everyone they knew around them that they would know they had people who loved them in other places that they could turn to.
Then on the flip side I often think Mikey might be making a mistake keeping Jami so in the minds of Joey and Michelle. They love their mommy so much through him, even Michelle who doesn't even know her, has never lived with her, but they talk of missing their mother all of the time not knowing the world Jami lives in that has no room for them. I have to explain drug addiction to Jessalynn when Jami does things like make promises that she forgets or acts differently because she is high and Joey is the same age so I'm sure he has questions about it, too.
Jess is pulling up. Gotta go.

Here we go again

2010-03-21T21:57:00.002-06:00

Jami showed up for her visit yesterday flying on Meth. I was worried because I hadn't heard from her since Kirk went to jail so I called Sandy and she hadn't seen her either. I made a few calls and when I called her friend Jeremy he said she had called him around midnight Friday saying she would meet him at some party later, that she wasn't in Council Bluffs. Mike Watson brought her for her visit and that is where she has been staying since Thursday. When she got here I could tell right away she was on Meth and she asked to talk to me. She said that Jim had told her that me getting Kira was something he and I planned. I asked how we could plan for Kira to get burned and she said, Look, I'm trying not to get mad at you looking at me with crazy pinpoint pupil eyes. I told her that I had asked Jim and Teresa if they thought that she and Kirk were able to take care of Kira a long time ago and they said No and that they were right, they weren't taking proper care of her since she was born. Cheri got her shortly later and asked if Jami had gone to the methadone clinic that morning and she said yes and Cheri commented that she seemed much more alert than usual for being on Methadone so Cheri knew, too. then Jami took me aside again and said that she had been staying with Mike because people were calling about drugs and that Kirk had secretly been dealing drugs "behind her back" like he could do anything behind her back. She is in "trash Kirk" mode since he is out of the picture for now. Actually, she is very scary in general now. I was in the kitchen and looked out the patio door and saw she had Kira out there with just a blanket draped around her legs and it was in the thirties. Jessalynn opened the door and told her to bring Kira in for me and Jami came in saying she didn't think Kira was cold out there. Then she insisted on changing Kira into pants and a shirt saying she was dressed too warm in the house even though I explained that it is cold on the floors in the apartment. Kira took off the clothes like she does unless it is jammies with feet or a onesie she is wearing so Jami put her PJ's back on. It was all just crazy and she has no clue how crazy she appears to everyone else like she didn't seem to know how messed up she has been acting on all the Methadone she is getting. I don't know what is going to happen. She talked about getting Kira in a week through family services but I know that won't be happening, thank God. Cheri thinks that Jami is happier being a part time mother like things are now, that she doesn't have it in her to be a full time mom and Jami seems to be clueless about what any of them really think. She also makes comments about how she thinks I would have a hard time giving Kira up. I tell her I would be glad to give her to them if I knew they would be able to take care of her. She seems to be getting back into the thinking I thought she had outgrown like she was when I had Lindsey. And it is all sooo crazy like I thought I would like to raise more kids after mine grew up!! Of course I will, any of my grandchildren will always have a home with me if they need one, but it is the hope that their parents will raise them and I will just be grandma. Jami thinks that Jess is in the same or worse shape as her as a parent and that seems to make her feel better and I don't correct her but that is soo far off base. Jess is a good mother even though I help her a lot. She buys food for the kids with her food stamps instead of selling them and makes sure they have a nice home to live in. Yea, she uses section 8 but she keeps up with all it entails and her bills to keep her children. Jami just doesn't see the difference. It is all so sad for Jami and for Kira but it is getting even sadder for Kirk. He is the dirty dog according to Jami now and will be blamed for everything that has happened although that will be unimportant compared to how Jami does without him. in the future. Jeremy and Beaver are worried for me, both say do not be alone with her any more while she is so volatile without Kirk to take it out on and I know they are right although that might be hard to do. Kirk called today and said that Jami won't take his calls and that she says she is done with him. I told him to worry more about her cutting him out of Kira's life as she seems to be trying to do although I assured him that Cheri has noted that he is more parental material. I don't have any illusions about Jami any more, haven't for a long long time. She can't seem to tell the truth about anything and it doesn't take long at all for her to really believe the things she says. I think I am ready for the attacks to come and the things she will blame everyone else for. The proof will be in the pudding as they say. She is totally irresponsible and I have to keep Kira safe. That is the number one priority and I have the memory of Lindsey as well as all the trauma Lindsey goes through still to motivate me to be strong and fight for Kira.
My shrink says I need a therapist to talk about all of this before it drags me too far down and I will get that going but for now this is my therapy. And the always good advice from Beaver and Jeanette and Jess.
That's all folks.
Thanks for your support.

Kirk to Jail

2010-03-18T23:54:00.002-06:00

Kirk was sentenced 90 days today for not paying restitution on that accident he had last year. Jami called very upset and kept saying how they were so surprised, I was only surprised that it didn't happen sooner. I don't know how Jami will get by without Kirk but I'm sure she will figure out something. I just don't know how good whatever she figures out to do will be.
Jami started going to the Methadone Clinic again for "detox" although it seems like all they have done so far is mess her up more. She is higher than she has been for ages acting and talking like she just chugged a fifth of vodka. She said they started her at 40 mg. and then raised it four days later even though she missed the next three days. I don't think they have any plans to get her clean any time soon. I've always thought the BAART clinic just got them all addicted to methadone instead of narcotics for which they got paid and make a lot of money. Now the state is paying for Jami's treatment and I'm sure they will get as much money as they can out of this. In the mean time Jami is enjoying her legal buz. Even though I don't like BAART it really bugs me that Kirk wasn't allowed to go to the Methadone clinic, too, because of Jami's claims that he beats her. I wish he would grow some balls or at least a spine and take up for himself against Jami's allegations. Maybe he is afraid because Jami is so very convincing. When I tried to tell them at the clinic that Jami was the violent one they didn't believe me. Not only does Kirk get dogged unfairly but Jami will never get help to get better if no one addresses her aggressive behavior. She went on one of her tangents last weeks that lasted at least three days. Kirk got drunk and Jami kicked him in the butt while he was puking in the toilet and it was on for days. Kirk has the most Godawful bruises on him including the worst bite mark I have ever seen on his inner thigh. As always she cries that he just kept attacking her for no reason and that he beat her with a toilet seat. Her face is scratched up but those wounds look self inflicted although I do think Kirk fought back to some extent. They were here over the weekend and Jami kept taking Kirk outside to go at him some more and she flared at every little thing he did or said, same story as ever. Kira could feel the tension and didn't sleep at night until Sunday when they were gone and then she went right to bed and slept twelve hours. Cheri says it is obvious that Jami doesn't want to be a full time hands on mother and doesn't believe she could. it is all sad and aggravating. I pray that KVC is very careful about when Kira is returned to Jami and Kirk and I also pray that Kirk doesn't get cut out of the picture for the accusations that he is abusive. Jami tears my heart out and has no clue that she is so very messed up.
Jeremy put brake pads on the van today since Kirk can't do these things for me now. Jeremy didn't get the brakes bled so I don't know how the girls will get to school tomorrow.
I now have the plague that Kirk brought us and gave the babies who gave it to Jess who passed it on to me this week. It is an ugly monster. I wish I could just sleep through it but of course I can't.

Killing time

2010-03-12T09:18:00.002-06:00

I have to leave for an appointment with Dr. Rogers in 15 minutes so am killing time.
The Town and Country has had a few problems but I still think it is a good deal. What $400. car doesn't have a few problems???? We had to put a new belt on it when we got it and then the belt came off yesterday so I called Kirk to come put another one. Turns out they put the wrong belt on the first time so maybe this one will stay. There is an electrical problem in the dash, odd things happen, and I know that will be a pain in the butt to fix but hopefully I'll find someone who can do it.
Jaz is better. She has been with her mom the last few days but I am picking her up today for the night. When I stop by there she hugs me and points outside wanting to go with me and it breaks my heart.
Jami had court on the child endangerment Tuesday. They wanted her to plead "no contest" but she wanted to fight it even though she would pretty much be fighting me in court since I was summoned by the prosecution but when we all got there she took the plea. I'm very glad she did. I really didn't want to have to testify. Jami is saying the statements I made at the time are false and I don't know if she just doesn't remember or if she just wants it to go away but I told the truth. I do think a few things I said got twisted a little but they have all of the basics correct.
Jeremy is actually making an effort to get along with me and to help me more. I feel bad for him in a way, I would hate to screw up as much as he has. He still insists that wrecking the Blazer wasn't his fault at all but the truth is he shouldn't have pulled out into an intersection in a vehicle that he knew might stall out in front of anyone. And the truth is HE IS A TERRIBLE DRIVER. I don't think that is all his fault, he is not willfully careless, he just doesn't have the awareness to be driving at all. I have taken over the driving again, I should have never gotten lazy and started letting him drive himself to and from work so I wouldn't have to get out with Kira every night, but it IS a drag to have to!!!!
OK. Gotta fly.
See ya.

Jaz has Pneumonia

2010-03-07T16:32:00.004-06:00

Took Jaz to the ER last night. She was put on oxygen immediately and we were there for about four hours while they got her stable. She was sent home with me with antibiotics, steroids, and more Albuterol. today has been touch and go with one foot out the door to the ER. They want us to try to control her breathing here so she doesn't get exposed to even more infections in the hospital but she isn't doing very well at all. The red flags, labored breathing, not drinking or wetting, are getting pretty bright red but Jeremy got home a little while ago and got her to drink a little and she is up and playing a little. This is so scary.

Kira is doing better, the antibiotics are giving her diarrhea but she is feeling better. It is just hard having both of them sick and wanting attention.
I'm glad Jeremy is home.
We bought a Town and Country van from Linda F. and it appears to be a very good deal, the best thing we have had.

By By Blazer!!

2010-03-04T03:26:00.002-06:00

Jeremy called around eleven tonight and said that the Blazer was totaled. He said that the other driver was at fault but claiming that he hit her. I called Rob to meet me there and took a cab to the scene. Rob called Jeanette who called me while I was on the way there and said that the other vehicle was a cop car and that there were cops everywhere and that they had the intersection blocked off. It ws a nightmare scene of flashing lights. Jeemy ws in the back of one of the cop cars waiting for me to get there with his ID and the proof of insurance etc. The Blazer was hit on the passenger side and both those windows and the front and back windshields were shattered. the cop car was up in a snow bank with the front end crushed, both vehicles totaled. Poor Jeremy seemed just stunned. I emptied the Blazer while they checked out all the car information and Rob gave us a ride home. Jeremy was ticketed for no license and false plates, I still had the last owner's plates on it. I was going to register it today but Jeanette told me there wasn't a fine for doing it late so I put it off. The ticket is cheaper than registering it would have been so maybe that is a good thing. But we have little hope that he will win the suit over whose fault it is since it is a cop car. He is likely screwed. But thank God he isn't hurt. He feels terrible about it and refuses to accept the comfort I try to offer or my assurance that I'm just glad he is OK.
I have no clue how we are going to recover from this one but I know we will.

Kira Sick Again

2010-03-02T00:49:00.003-06:00

Now here is what bothers me about this. Kirk came to see Kira Wednesday even though he and Jami have had a terrible virus, coughing, fever, congestion. I asked them both not to come and he came anyhow. I got here after he did, he got here early, and I had picked up masks from the doctor. When I got here he was with Kira and hadn't even washed his hands. A little late for the mask but I told him to put it on anyway. Then neither of them showed up for the Friday or Saturday visits. That's my problem here. If it was that he just HAD to see Kira, missed her so much he came before they were well, then he or they should have come for the next two visits, too. Not just come and get Kira sick and then go about their business. I warned him that I would do him damage if the kids got sick and then reminded him of that today. I didn't even get a phone call from them all weekend although Jami called Jess.
If the other kids get sick and Jaz goes to the ER or Jessalynn misses any more school I am going to go ballistic on Kirk.
I took Jaz home today after dropping Jeremy off at work and before picking up the school girls. It was just Kira and me here for the first time all month but she was so sick she slept all afternoon and evening.
There is a visit scheduled tomorrow.
Hope Kirk is ready for me.

Last Day of the Week!!!

2010-02-27T21:45:00.003-06:00

Almost the last day of the month. Not that either of those things mean much...
Put away all of the laundry. It took longer than washing it. But the babies weren't at the laundromat and they weren't much help. It is very difficult to get things done with just one baby. Two should make it easier because they play together but they both want my undivided attention most of the time.
I was supposed to take Jessalynn to see her mother today but it was noon before I got in touch with Jess. I am supposed to pick Jess up after Jeremy gets off and take her and Jessalynn to her house if things go as planned. I haven't heard from Jess since noon so I'm not too sure. Calling her now. No answer. Jessalynn is staying up to see her mom and I'm afraid she is going to be disappointed again.
Jami sent me a text saying they wouldn't make the visit because they are sick. Cheri wasn't too happy about it! I know Jami is sick but I'm not sure about Kirk. I haven't talked to them all day.
I tried to look up KVC on the Internet and couldn't get to their site because it said something about it not being a safe site. It appears they are new in Nebraska but have been very successful elsewhere, mostly Kansas. I really wanted to see their mission statement. Something just feels wrong with the way this whole thing is going. Jami and Kirk get very little help with their addiction, I think Jami was approved to go through the BAART clinic for help but not Kirk, and it just won't work unless they help both of them at the same time and even that is iffy. There seem to be no pressure on them to find jobs or a home. They were pushy about them getting their evaluations done but then nothing. And I don't seem to get much help with Kira's care at all. I get $10.00 a day pay to take care of her, maybe that is low because I am also her grandmother, and that doesn't do much. She is a ward of the state and I am her foster mother and I know foster parents are supposed to get a clothing allowance and other things that aren't available to me. I asked if they could help with a car seat and clothes and they said that I was supposed to buy that out of the $10.00 a day. It wouldn't matter except I am living on disability and have nothing to spare most of the time. I don't even turn on the central heat in the winter when it is just Jeremy and me and I have had it on since I got Kira 24/7 and that is going to catch up with me. I have been trying to contact my DHS worker since December 16th and she has returned NONE of my calls. I applied online for food stamps almost two weeks ago and when I called to check on it yesterday my worker didn't answer, of course, so I called the main number and the woman who answered said she could do nothing for me. I told her I knew she could at least look up my application and she grudgingly did so and told me that it hadn't been received. I asked if they had problems with online applications and she said no, people file like that all the time, but just mine didn't go through. (Neither did the one I filed for Michelle last month!) Cheri got Vickie's supervisor's name for me and I tried to call her but got her voice mail, left a message, and have heard nothing. Jeremy got his income tax return and it is getting eaten up with groceries and diapers and bills. I haven't even told him how much I have spent of it but I think he has an idea.
We have a Family Meeting with KVC and DHS once a month and the meetings are a joke. We ask for help with things and they discuss which department is responsible for what we are asking about and promises are make and then nothing. We are all supposed to be positive and praise Jami and Kirk for their progress even though there has been very little and everything negative is just skimmed over if it is discussed at all. I don't think Jami and Kirk take any of this very seriously and why should they? Nothing is addressed like it is a serious thing if it is addressed at all. When this first started I tried to talk to Ashley about Jami and Kirk's addiction and how I was afraid they would still be addicted when they get Kira back and she said that it was possible they would and when I questioned the wisdom of that she snapped at me that I had to remember that they weren't charged with a drug offense, just Child Endangerment (from using drugs!!!). (Not tht they hurt her because they were high. It was an accident. But I do think being strung out they miss evaluated the seriousness of her injury and that they were hesitant to take her to a doctor because of how and where they were living.)
I see two possible outcomes. One, they eventually give Kira back to her parents just as they are and Kira lives the life of a junkie's kid. Two, they dick around and act like there is nothing pressing that Jami and Kirk need to do to get Kira back and then out of the blue tell them they did a bad job and terminate their parental rights even though they would have done anything required if they had been given the chance and made to understand they might lose Kira if they if they didn't get clean and on their feet fast enough. I really doubt scenario #2. It just doesn't seem that anyone at KVC or DHS or the judge involved care enough to do anything.
Glad I got that off my chest.

18 Loads of Laundry!!!!!

2010-02-26T17:57:00.002-06:00

Whew. Think I'm gonna die. It it ever piles up like that again I am throwing it away!!! It took me four hours of busting ass at the laundromat. And I still have three loads of bedding I need to do!!!
I went to Jessalynn's parent teacher conferences yesterday and found out she has been having trouble with both reading and math and is being recommended for summer school. I felt so guilty realizing I haven't worked with her since I got Kira. But Jess and I thought she was doing fine but then again we missed the last conferences. I vow to work with her more.
Just put whiny babies down for a late nap. They might be up late tonight but they really needed a nap. Jeremy said they only took a short one while I was doing laundry.
I am in pain!!! I will pay for doing so much laundry for a few days. I am going to make an appointment to see Dr. Youngblood again and see if he will do more for me for the pain. I don't know why Dr. Gold does me the way he does. The other day I was walking into Walmart and thought "I'm just going to give up and stop walking." I haven't had a thought like that for a long time and I meant it at that moment. My legs burn so badly when I walk, especially going up stairs, I just want to cry sometimes. Dr. Gold gives me just enough pain meds to not want to die most of the time and he wants me to go for some more injection in my back and I just can't make myself do it especially since there is no guarantee that it will help. It hurt terribly last time getting the injection and then was very painful for a couple of days and I didn't notice any benefit. When I told Dr. Gold that I just couldn't stand the thought of someone standing behind me hurting me he said to ask the doctor to put a clamp on my ear to calm me. ????? This is starting to sound like my ex-brother craziness.
Jessalynn is missing her mom very, very, much. Meez is going to have to do without Jess real soon. Jaz doesn't miss her so much, she is pretty happy to be with us, but Jessalynn is older and wants her mom!!!
It is finally getting a little warmer here. I can't wait for a spring day!!! Then I will start bitching about the heat...
Uncle Paul emails me pretty often. It is very nice to have him for family. I missed the rest of them a lot at first after Mike told his lies but now I see it as their loss and am very happy with the family I do have. Uncle Paul is like a link to my father that I still need and I do love him very much. He was the first person to treat me like an adult when I was growing up and I'll never forget the time he drove me from Texas to Kansas. I loved every minute of that trip. Driving the Blazer makes me think of him, too, and the car he drove me to kindergarten in. Plus he gives pretty good advice and there aren't many people who do that for me. Or who I let do that for me...
I bought a shiatsu massager the other day. Think I will go let it work on my back.
See ya.

Doctor Day

2010-02-17T17:30:00.002-06:00

Saw Dr. Gold and Dr. Rogers today. Gold for the usual check up, Rogers for the UTI I have been fighting forever. Rogers put me on cipro hoping it isn't what caused the seizure I had last time I was on it. I'm allergic to so many antibiotics it is hard to treat anything. macrobid didn't work.
The visit was very nice today although it seemed to go fast. I did ask about KVC getting Jami and Kirk monthly bus pases and hopefully they will. Kirk is looking for work now and things are sounding a lot better. I hope they can get it together for Kira. They love her so much. I just want them to know that she can't live the life they have been living and give her a lot more. For them, too. I don't think they even know what it is to be happy any more or even what life can be without drugs being part of the equation. I know how hard it will be for them to completely give up all drugs but I am praying it is not impossible. I hope lifestyle will be discussed in a lot of detail and that it is impressed on them that a life that involves any kind of drugs isn't good for kids. Meez is scheduled for another surgery Friday. I'm not sure how it is all going to work out. I know Meez will need Jess's help for quite a while but I don't know how long Jess can take being away from her girls. Maybe Jaz could join her at Meez's but it is too far from here to get Jessalynn to and from school from his house.
Jeremy hasn't had a day off for about two weeks but he is off tomorrow. He definitely meeds a break!

Valentines Day

2010-02-15T13:33:00.002-06:00

Jeremy couldn't wait until Valentine's Day. After I asked him to name the gifts he had bought me over the years he finally got it and surprised me with a ring for Valentine's Day. :). It is very pretty but I might have to get it sized. I got him some Homer Simpson pajama pants.
Jami and Kirk missed the last three of their four visits last week. That looks very bad for them but there isn't anything I can do about it. We have a family meeting scheduled for tomorrow and it will likely be discussed then.
Meez is out of the hospital and Jess is at his house taking care of him. I took her there last night after stopping at Outback to pick up their Valentines Day dinner.
I have Jessalynn and Jaz. They are never a problem, Jessalynn is good company and helps out a lot when she is here and Jaz is a good playmate for Kira. Jeremy is totally smitten with Jaz and has spoiled her rotten.
Kira is doing very well. She is such a sweet little thing, loves being cuddled and tickled. It is fun watching the different personalities of these babies develop, they just grow up too darn fast.

2010-02-11T19:58:00.002-06:00

The blazer is on the road again but I don't know for how long. Kirk put a new starter in it yesterday so it starts but it stil runs rough after a little while. Jeremy was really mad at me again for making him late to work . I have to get this together. Maybe it is just hard right now after being without a car for a while and trying to get everything done and Meez being in the hospital and trying to get Jess up there and back, etc. Jami and Kirk missed their visit today. Cheri is getting upset because she loses money when they miss and it really looks bad for them to miss so much.
I read a news article a couple of days ago about clinics in Vancouver giving heroin to addicts instead of methadone. It is more effective than methadone and has been very successful there and in other countries. I think it might be a good idea for hard core junkies. I watch Jami and Kirk spin their lives away spending every day figuring out how to get their next hit. The article said that the people going to the clinics are able to resume a more normal life without the daily hunt.

Murder??

2010-02-10T08:27:00.002-06:00

I doubt anyone would believe it if it were true, and I'm sure it couldn't be proven without a witness stepping forward, but I have the feeling that the guy who ran over Vern and Meez did it on purpose. It started with a feeling I got when I saw the picture they showed of the driver, Scott Ruffcorn, but then Meez told Jess that it seemed like the car veered to hit them intentionally. The guy looks like a skinhead and has a bad reputation. Jami says that he went to school with her in Logan and she agrees with what I think about this.
Meez got through surgery yesterday and is in even more pain now but that should get better. Jess went up to the hospital to be there for Meez's surgery and ended up stranded there until midnight because the Blazer still needes a starter, something I hope to get fixed today.

Meez in Critical Condition

2010-02-07T13:11:00.002-06:00

Meez and a friend were changing a tire on his car on the Storz Expressway at three this morning and were hit by a hit and run driver. The friend who was helping Meez was killed and Meez is in Creighton Hospital in critical condition with a broken ankle, leg, and arm, maybe more, Jess, who took a cab to Creighton when his mom called her, kept cutting out while I was talking to her. The lat time Jess called she said that the driver who hit Meez and his friend had been caught. I would have gone up there, too, but I'm alone with both babies and Trace. And the Blazer is broken down up at Popeyes, I'm hoping Patrick can help us figure out what is wrong with it.

Grandkids for the Weekend

2010-02-06T04:44:00.003-06:00

I didn't get the kids to school today because of the snow and having rear wheel drive in the Blazer. (Four wheel drive isn't working.) I picked up Jess and her girls and dropped the girls off with Jeremy and took Jess to her shrink appointment around noon. Then Nett and Rob dropped off all three of their kids around four-thirty. Right after they left I noticed Riley had a fever. I gave him some Tylenol and held him until his temp went down. Then Jenise said her eyes were burning and I took her temp and gave her some Ibuprophen. They felt better and both started playing but Riley wanted to be held a lot still which didn't go over well with Kira and Jaz! Nett came back for Riley but I asked to keep Nici because she would have been heartbroken to have to go home.
I'm up now because my back hurts now. I took Morphine a while ago and still can't go back to sleep so I just took some Hydrocodone, too. Jenise was up crying about an hour ago so I gave her some more Ibuprophen.

A New Pain in the Ass

2010-02-04T18:21:00.002-06:00

Bought it last night. It is a '92 Chevy Blazer, one of the few years that made 8 cyl. engines, wish I'd of known that!!! and it has a yet undiagnosed overheating problem.
I found the car on Craig's List. It was the second car I bought this week. The first one was an '88 Mercury Cougar. It was rusted all over and the tranny was going out and it had a bad exhaust leak. When I picked Jessalynn up for school she asked whose car it was, and , when I told her I bought it, she said, "You paid money for this?!" Then halfway to school she asked me if I had seen it before I paid for it. I laughed all of the way home and a little bit every day since then. I put that car back on Craig's List when I got home and it was gone for what I paid for it in two hours.
Then I found the Blazer.
Jeremy and Phillip replaced the thermostat, Jeremy broke a couple of things while doing it, and that wasn't the problem... Maybe it's the water pump.... and now there are no dash lights...
Kira walking and talking. Her parents are having a lot of trouble doing the things they need to do to get her back. I hope they get it together in time.
That's all for now!!!!!

Weekend

2010-01-31T12:59:00.004-06:00

I've had a terrible time since going to the dentist. I have been vomiting ever since an hour after getting the tooth pulled and I know it is from the infection in the roots but I haven't been able to hold anything down to take the antibiotics with. I did just eat a little cheerios and take one but I don't know... I'll have to go to the ER and get a shot if I don't get this under control.
I have Jenise and Robby and Trace and have to figure out how I am going to pick up Jeremy and then get all of us to Jessalynn's party later. I have no clue right now what I am going to do.
Jami and Kirk had a good visit with Kira. I'm pretty sure Kirk is going to have to turn himself in Monday.
Nothing else.

Kira 1 Year Check up

2010-01-29T22:12:00.002-06:00

Kira had her 1 year check up today and got six shots and had her blood drawn to test for lead. They say there is a problem with lead in the Omaha area. Her iron count was a little bit low, too. The doctor prescribed vitamin drops, said she was too young for the better tasting gummy ones, and she is to eat more red meat with her three teeth.
Jess and I had our shrink appointments today at the same time. I sometimes wonder if Dr. Jahari is really helping Jess but she seems to believe in him so hopefully that will do the trick... Well, unless he is really bad, then he could really screw her up. I just feel like sometimes he convinces her that she is more mental than she really is but it could be that I don't really know how mental she is. She is a hard one to figure!!!
We rushed home to get Jeremy to work on time and stopped at the dollar store to get a few things for Jessalynn's surprise birthday party Sunday and then we stopped at Burger King for a snack. The tooth I had a band on really hurt when I tried to eat a burger and I decided it was time to do something about it. We went and picked up the girls from school and I took Jess and her kids home and Kira and I headed for Emergi Dental. Dr. Scott Green, who I had seem years ago and then been unable to find again, ws working there again. He talked to me about the things that could be done to maybe repair the tooth again and I told him to just pull it. I had begged Jess to watch Kira for me but she wasn't up to it so I had her with me in her carseat and I just wanted to get it done fast and over with. The whole problem with the tooth started with Medicaid refusing to pay for a crown so the root canal went bad. It maybe couldn't have been saved no matter what and I haven't been able to chew on that side for months.
We left the dentist and went to K Mart to shop for Jessalynn's birthday, she asked for clothes, and Kira w3s really sick of being in the carseat and starting to cry so we came home. I have to go get my prescription for antibiotics after Jeremy gets off work.
I'm in quite a bit of pain right now. The good thing about a bad toothache is that I don't feel the back pain...
Yesterday Ashleigh made a big deal about having a check to get some bus passes for Jami and Kirk to visit Kira and then today she gave them each a book of just ten tickets!!! Jami called and told me, frustrated and crying. I told her I had expected something like that and that I would buy her a bus pass when I get my check next week. Kirk is going to jail Monday to serve his 90 days for not paying restitution on that wreck last year.

Another Nutty Day

2010-01-27T20:58:00.002-06:00

I thought I got a good start this morning getting up in time to get the girls to school. I dropped Jessalynn off before I picked up Jenise because Jessalynn hadn't eaten breakfast and when I was dropping off Jenise my phone alarm went off reminding me that I had a 9:30 appointment with Dr. Perry. I rushed home and grabbed the Whisp toothbrushes and got to Dr. Perry's ten minutes late still wearing the clothes I slept in that had Taco Bell sauce on them from a midnight snack.
Dr. Perry explained that he is actually an anesthesiologist who has spent the last fifteen years working with injecting a steroid mixture into the hardened scar tissue around injuries to relieve pain and free up movement. He examined me and found many place that were hardened (surprise surprise) and I agreed to try a series of injections twice a week along my spine, neck, and legs. The needle didn't hurt too much going in and then he dug around in each spot he chose feeling for hard places beneath the skin and he would inject those places which was a little uncomfortable but not unbearable with some deep breathing. He injected three places on the right side of my spine and told me to go to Jay, my physical therapist, to have Jay work the injections through the tissue. I dashed home and changed clothes before going to see Jay, who I had forgotten to call and tell I was having the injections today, but he still saw me. Now THAT hurt!!! It felt like Jay was digging in fresh wounds. I guess he was.
I went from Jay's to pick up Jessica and take her to Great Western bank to try to open an account but they wouldn't let her because of some report US Bank turned in on her. (GW bank said that USB was notorious for doing that to people.) Oh, and Jaz had been crying all day like she was in pain so I took her and left her with Jeremy before taking Jess to the bank.
I took Jess home and went to Jeanette's to take Robbie to the doctor. Robby is still running a 104 degree temp!!! And this time the doctor seemed almost as concerned as we have been now that he has been sick like this for 11 days. She said that if he is still running the fever tomorrow to call and they would send him to the University Hospital to have some more tests run. We are all terrified for our little guy and he is such a trooper. Robby has lost five pounds since his last doctor visit three days ago and it shows in his face. He is subdued but still smiles and plays some, unbelievable with how sick he is. He kept asking to go home with me and I kept saying he could as soon as he was well and then I thought about it and told him that he could come over this weekend even if he is still sick and Grandma will take care of him. That got a big smile.
On the way back to Jeanette's I was in terrible pain and Jeanette found my Home Care instructions and read that I wasn't supposed to be lifting anything or doing anything but resting. Oh.
I got home around five and Jaz woke up from a nap with a 101.9 temp so I called Tibbles office and left a message for the nurse to call me. After going over all of Jaz's recent illnesses and medications the nurse told me to take Jaz to an ER. I had to pick up Jessalynn from Girl Scouts at seven-thirty so I decided to take Jaz after taking Jessalynn home.
We found out today that the GS Cookie orders were due tonight and she hadn't been able to sell any yet with everyone sick and everything but Patrick got on the phone and took orders for 88 boxes and I sold enough to get it up to over a hundred boxes of cookies so she could win a prize. I picked up Patrick's order and got to the scout meeting right before it was over. Jessalynn was a little sad that it wasn't like last year and that she wasn't getting the prize she wanted but then her troop leader, Miss Jessica, asked her what she had hoped to win and told her that she would buy it for her at the Girl Scout store this weekend. She is an absolutely incredible troop leader!!
I took Jessalynn home and came home to get Jaz and after thinking about it realized that there was no way I could take her to the ER. I can't carry her at all today so Jeremy had to take her. We have never let him drive with one of the kids in the car because he is a really bad driver but I sent him to the Methodist Emergi Clinic right down the road so they should get there and back OK. They left about a half hour ago. I think most likely that her run of antibiotics, which she finished yesterday, didn't get rid of the double ear infection. I certainly hope it doesn't turn into a mystery like Robby!!
I am in terrible pain. I'm not sure right now if I can go through with this treatment but I'll at least try a few sessions before I give up. I was not ready at all for the amount of pain I would be in tonight although I don't know if it would have been better if I hadn't spent the whole day running around after getting this first one. I'm supposed to be resting and icing it.
Maybe I should get to that now.
Say a prayer for my sick babies.

A better day

2010-01-26T21:53:00.003-06:00

Today went better than yesterday, not saying much!, even though Jeremy woke me up when he got off work at 1:30 and I never went back to sleep.
Still very worried about Robbie. His temp was 104 today and still no clue why. I plan to go with Jeanette to the doctor tomorrow and try to demand that they run a few more tests.
I got the girls to school on time and did all of the little things on my list for the day. Jami and Kirk couldn't make it for their visit or the Family Meeting today so it is rescheduled for tomorrow although they have court tomorrow at 1:30 for the Child Endangerment charge.
Kira is still not feeling well. She has an appointment with her doctor scheduled for Friday so if anything develops from the RSV hopefully it can be addressed then.

Jaz Home

2010-01-24T17:58:00.003-06:00

Jaz went home to Mommy today. She is doing better with the steroids and Mommy was missing her. Jaz ran from me when she saw me get her coat but then came running when I said we were going to see Mommy. Too cute.
So it back to just Kira and me here. I no longer have to be within Kira's line of sight all of the time. She goes off to play in the Kid Room and everywhere now. She says two words, "ow" and "thank you" and she has one top and one on bottom. Kira is walking more and more but still crawls when she is in a hurry. Too cute.
It is "No Carb" day of my diet. (Not cute at all) I don't have a full blown panic attack on no carb day anymore but I still don't like it. I could never go on one of those strictly no carb diets.
Jeremy picked up a nice dining table and chairs that I took over to Jeanette's today. The kids were so excited to see it!! They want to sit down to meals with Mom and Dad like they haven't been able to before.
Tomorrow is Family Meeting Day with CPS. I am getting ready for the visit tonight. I'm always a little nervous when CPS visits and more so on Family Visits because no less than three CPS workers usually come. I go through the house over and over making sure everything is as child proof as I think and get rid of all the sign of the wild parties I throw. Just kidding.
Kira is asleep. I should get busy.

Jaz ER Again

2010-01-23T22:55:00.002-06:00

Another one of "those" days.
Jami and Kirk came for their 11 o'clock visit and I took Jaz to the ER when it was over at 1. The last time I took her to Tibbles he considered putting her on steroids again but then decided to wait and see how she did. I called the clinic and told them she wasn't getting any better and asked if I could have that script for steroids. The nurse told me to take Jaz to the ER and I tried to argue explaining Tibbles had already talked about putting her on Prednisone and she got all snippy and said I would have to take Jaz to the ER for that. When I got to the ER they put us through first since Jaz was having trouble breathing and then when I told the doctor about calling the clinic she wanted to know why Tibbles didn't just call it in instead of exposing their ER to RSV and Jaz to everything else there. I dunno. I stopped at Walmart on the way home and got home at almost 6 pm.

Thursday Wee Hours

2010-01-21T02:03:00.006-06:00

Can't sleep. Jaz, Jessalynn, and I have been sick with a baaaaad cold and Nett's kids have it, too. Jessalynn and Jenise haven't been to school this week and Jaz, of course, is having extra trouble with this virus on top of her asthma and having a double ear infection. Yesterday she threw up and I gave her some peppermint water to settle her stomach and then we noticed red blotches on her face. I called Dr. Tibbles office and they said to bring her in. Her eyes were all puffy by the time I got there and I was afraid she was developing an allergy to the antibiotics for the ear infection but Tibbles said he thought it was an allergy to peppermint. Then he heard her cough and said that her cough sounded like RSV and he was very sure of that diagnosis. He said to start nebulizing her every four hours. The rash cleared up but her cough has gotten worse and worse. Then today I noticed her chest retracting when she inhaled and called Tibbles again. They said that if breathing treatments didn't control the retracting to take her to the ER. We've kept it under control so far but I didn't take her home because Jess doesn't have a car and it is hard for her to do the breathing treatments alone. It often takes both Jeremy and me to hold her down for them.
Jami and Kirk came for their visit today. I noticed that Jami kept her winter scarf on for the two hour visit in this hot, steamy, house and I got a peek at her neck and saw the fresh tracks. Chere noticed, too, and called Ashleigh but I don't know what was said or done. Likely nothing will be done. Jami and Kirk both looked pretty rough and Jami fell asleep for a while on the bean bag chair during the visit.
Kira somehow isn't sick yet and I hope she dodges this bullet like she did the last time all of the kids were sick.
Jaz was feeling pretty good for a while this evening and it was so cute watching Kira and her playing. They emptied the pots and pans cabinet like they like to do and they each had a pot and one would hold her pot over her face and make funny noises in it and then the other laughing at themselves. I love to see how they are starting to love each other.
Jeremy was supposed to start a second job at JimmyJohns today and I talked him out of it. I think two jobs is just too much for him, he has been really sick for quite a while and we have no clue what is wrong yet, plus I really need him home during the days to help me get through all of the things I have to do for us and the kids. He was upset about me interfering with what he wanted to do but he gave in after a lot of pleading. It's just al bad time in a lot of ways for him to get all ambitious.
I am excited about the diet Cheri told me about and am already starting to lose weight. It is Day one, no carbs, Day two, 1200 calories, and Day three whatever you want to confuse your metabolism. No carb day is the hardest for Cheri and me, I almost fast on that day but I am starting to plan ahead for the day and it is getting easier. It is unbelievable how many things have carbs!!!!! This is the first time in a looooong time I have been hopeful that I might actually get back down to a size 11!!!
I've been having terrible back trouble. The pain, even with meds, is almost unbearable at times with nerve pain shooting down my legs to my heels and many other pains. Tomorrow I am seeing a specialist Dr. Gold recommended who is supposed to do injections in my back that Dr. Gold thinks will help.
The Missionaries stopped by today to give me a blessing, also prescribed by Dr. Gold, but Jaz was having a bad time and I asked to do it another time. They pressed and said that it wouldn't take long but Jeremy didn't want them in with Jaz crying and Idol on so I asked if we could do it in the hall. The Elders laid hands on me and asked for me to be healed and I admit I felt good while they did it, I just wish they weren't LDS. NO, that isn't quite it. I do love the Mormans individually but I just cannot accept all they teach, Joseph Smith etc,. as the whole Truth or, indeed, any Truth. I don't think any church today has a grip on the whole truth although the Quakers come the closest but I think the LDS are way out thee with their beliefs and rituals. I would have felt the same pleasure to have anyone pray and lay hand on me right now!! Of course they said that the peace I felt was proof of their divine religion and I am happy for them that they have that much faith in their church, even if I find it misguided, and I am grateful that they took the time to come and share their blessing. I just so much wish they would make their ways of life their religious focus instead of Joseph Smith and his Book of Morman but that could never happen.
I loaned Rob $100 today to have a nasty tooth pulled and hope that getting that out of his mouth will make him feel better all over.
We talked to the woman with the Blazer for sale finally today and she does still want to sell it but can't right now. I just hope it happens before the Lumina gets repossessed.
I think that is the update for now.

Saturday Evening

2010-01-16T17:44:00.002-06:00

Ahhhh what a day!!! I got a couple of hours sleep and have been bleary all day. Trace went home a little while ago and I am hoping to somehow get a nap before Jenise and Robbie get here and Trace comes back for the night.
I got the house cleaned up for the CPS visit but Jami and Kirk didn't show up because they forgot what time they were supposed to be here. Cheri is getting a little upset at their not showing and showing up late because she wastes time and loses money. I think she is turning in an unfavorable report on them. I do defend them that it is hard for them to get here from Council Bluffs but I also think I would make the visits if it was my kids no matter what. BUT then again, this whole thing just doesn't seem to be taken seriously by anyone. I really don't think CPS cares if they are rehabilitated or not. They just go through the motions and will eventually give Kira back to them no matter what unless they do something catastrophic like kill someone.
I feel half dead and am throwing up just because I am so tired. I usually don't feel my age except when I am sick or don't get to sleep.
OK. I'm going to lay down with the babies.

Saturday Morning

2010-01-16T10:23:00.002-06:00

Lisa was released from the hospital yesterday. Both of her ankles are badly broken and they sent her home to take care of herself and her five year old son. Jess and I went to her house right after she got there and I left Jess to spend the weekend and then I went to get her 17 prescriptions. I had to leave Ralston and go back later in the evening because Walgreens didn't have all of her meds ready. When I got back to Lisa's Jess had already made her home wheelchair friendly and even moved her fridge by herself. I'm pretty proud of her!!
Jaz was fussy all day and at eight her temp ws 103.7. I gave her some tylenol and got it down to 101 and then gave her some Ibuprophen, too.Then she wouldn't go to sleep last night so I took her to the ER at around 4 am. She had a bad double ear infection so they gave her numbing med for her ear and Amoxicilin. We got home around 6 and she finally slept. Natalie dropped off Trace at 8:30. Jeremy let him in and I got up at ten.
Now I have to get ready for Jami and Kirk's visit with Kira at 11.

Do I say it here???

2010-01-14T20:40:00.001-06:00

Is it here I can say how I feel and what I think??? Not really. I don't want to hurt anyone who might come here that knows me ever again and the things I think and feel could hurt someone. Even a stranger who knows what I am saying or relates in any way.
There is no where no one to talk to except God.

I'm Baaaaack! A New Year

2010-01-09T16:32:00.002-06:00

It has been so long since I have been here it no longer deserves the title of Daily Journal.

I just got Cricket Broadband. Been without Internet for over a year.

What a year.

Three grandbabies were born while I was offline. Jess had Jasmine in October 2008, Jeanette had Riley in November 2008, Jami had Kira in January 2009. I believe Dawn had twins in March of 2009 and Michelle also had Cherish in March 2009.Babies babies babies. Jessalynn's father, Patrick, also had a baby, Gage, a few months ago.

Kira is living with me right now. I am her temporary foster mother while Jami and Kirk clean up and get their lives together. They get four two hour visits a week and the visits go really well. I just hope they can do all they have to do to get her back. NOT that I want rid of her!!! She is a sweet little thing.

I still have the grandkids most weekends. Riley just came for the first time New Year's Eve, I think that was harder on Nett than Riley.

We're hoping to move next month if we can get into another place. I found a place that is closer to Jessalynn and Jenise's school and a hundred dollars a month cheaper but don't know if we will qualify for it yet. Well, I haven't even gone and looked at it yet either!!! If we're not having a blizzard it is dangerously cold out and I am not allowed to go anywhere without Kira so I don't get out much lately.

My nightmare biological brother made a fast trip up here last year to give Jeanette the car Joe Jolley left when he died. He acted all paranoid and terrified of me even though he is the last person on earth I would ever want to see and he has no clue how ridiculous he looks to people here who actually know me. He is used to his wide eyed listeners who he'll tell his stories to, and he is quite the story teller If you have all day to listen, and I can't believe I used to be one of his listeners.

OH, there has to be something better to write about.

I am often exhausted, over worked, stressed out, still in a lot of pain, and usually broke, but somehow I still think I have a very good life. It is all about the people I love and who love me.

Jeremy may have to stop working and file for disability. His doctor says it is time because he had a seizure at work and has been having breakthrough seizures more and more often. I haven't figured out how we will get through the waiting period after he files, it can take years like mine did, but I'm working on it. He is staying with his new buddy, Phillip, right now because CPS didn't approve of him living with me with Kira here but I expect Jami to get Kira back within the year.

We celebrated Kira's first birthday here yesterday. Maybe I will figure out how to add some pictures to this journal.

I have Jessalynn and Jazz here, too, right now and they all need my attention so this is all for now.

See ya.

Michelle Giving Birth

2009-03-31T14:49:00.002-06:00

Little Michelle is having her baby irl right now. I am on the computer in the waiting room. I think it is going to happen at any minute, she has been pushing for two hours now!!!!!
I don't have a lot of oppportunity to get online anymore. My PC is maybe history. All it does is say that it can't find an operating system. I am going to take it to Geek Squad but have little hope.
riley just woke up so I have to stop for now but there is new news about everyone and everything....

Just a Quickie

2009-02-10T15:51:00.003-06:00

This has to be fast. I'm on a fifteen minute PC at the library and have already been on a while. And I have to leave pretty quick and pick up Jessalynn from tutoring.
I totaled two cars last month,. the front wheel finally fell off of the Honda so I got a Saturn that I loved but got T-boned about a week later and and lost the Saturn. And almost got killed but I'll go into all that later.....

Thanksgiving 2008

2008-12-01T12:03:00.002-06:00

We had TG dinner at Jeanette's this year but Jeremy and I did all of the cooking. Things didn't go perfectly, we woke with a clogged toilet and then Jess called and said that Meezie's father had died that morning. Plus I was sick with a cold and a sinus infection and couldn't taste what I was cooking but I think it all turned out OK. Everyone ate it all.

Jeremy and I brought Jessalynn, Jasmine, Jenise and Robbie home with us that night. Jasmine went home the next evening but we kept the other three until Sunday night and had a really great time with them all.

Jeanette and I took Riley for his one week check up today and found out that his collar bone broke during his delivery as well as Jeanette's tail bone. Poor little guy!!! Otherwise he is dong very well. :-)

Tonight I have what will likey be my last meeting with the Morman Missionaries. Last visit I asked them three questions that they couldn't answer and they said they would get back with me in a week or so. They stopped by for a short visit Saturday and I asked them how it was going with my qestions and they said they didn't have the answers they were hoping to find but that they did have some things they had found. Tonight I have about forty pages of questions and observations for them and I will attempt to save them. I plan to put the summary of all my research online when I get it all typed up.

OK. that's it for now. I'm at the library and I am out of here!!!!

Riley Jaco Born 11/23/08!!!!

2008-11-25T13:49:00.002-06:00

Riley was born Sunday afternoon at two forty three pm. He weighed eight pounds and three ounces and is twenty one and a half inches long!!!!! Riley and Jeanette are both doing very well although jeanette's tailbone broke during the delivery.

This was my first time to watch a natural delivery and it was absolutely amazing!!!!!

I spent the night at the hospital with Jeanette and we stayed up almost all night talking. We found out we have a lot of weird quirks in common!!!

I'm in the family room at Methodist Hospital now and we are getting ready to check out.

Just thought I would check in here...

I found Dawn

2008-11-09T22:06:00.002-06:00

I Googled Dawn and Craig and found them and we talked for hours the other night. She has seven children now!! She topped off her family with boy/girl twins last spring. It was wonderful talking to her again. We talked about everything that has gone on in our lives for the last five years or so since we last talked and about the Morman church. I am very proud of her and all she has done with her life. I really hope to be able to see her again someday soon. I have to see all these kids!!! I feel that they are mine as I feel that she is mine. I am also very very proud of Anthony, her oldest son, who is almost sixteen now. He sounds so wonderful. I know that being in the Morman church has a lot to do with how Dawn's life has turned out and am very thankful for that. It does make me want to keep investigating the church although it doesn't make me want to rush to join. I know it is right for her. Whether or not it is right for my family and me might be a different thing.
The elders were here this evening. I told them I wanted to read the book of Acts before I went any further with them and that I would be looking at other churches, too, and they said that was fine although they, of course, are still pushing LDS very hard as they always do when you talk to them. Jeremy and I are going to take a tour of their church tomorrow evening with them. They brought a man with them tonight, I don't remember his name, I'm bad about that, and they have several times brought members with them when they visit, but this time I sensed pretty quickly that this man was different even before they told me who he was. He seemed to just kind of glow when he spoke and halfway through the visit they explained who he was. I forget the title he holds but he isn't just a missionary but holds a high position in the church here. It was impressive that someone could have the air about him that this man did is Morman. I told them that I wasn't jumping in the water but was just looking at it for now and again they said that was fine and then went on with this evening's lesson. ;-) Tonight they talked about chastity and with it about Jeremy and I getting legally married in Nebraska since Nebraska doesn't recognize the common law marriage we had in Texas. I explained that we were bothered by that, too, but that I would lose my disability benefits if we got married legally here. They said that they would consult a lawyer about it. Internesting....
Being behind on all our bills finally caught up with us and we lost our Cox phone and they will be shutting down our cable and Internet at any time now. We went and got a Cricket cell phone and have a converter box for one of the TV's so far and that will have to do for now. I have internet on the cell phone and will use the one at the library after this is shut off. It's a bit of a bummer but we've accepted it. I'm glad Jeremy doesn't seem to hold it against me that this is because of the money we spent helping Jami. We will get back on our feet again and get it all together again soon. We were planning to cut the cable and internet to give us a break to catch up and keep the phone but we were to far behind to even keep the phone with them.
OK. Bedtime. See you.

After Halloween

2008-11-01T16:25:00.002-06:00

Jeanette, Patrick, and I took Jenise, Robbie, and Jessalynn trick-or-treating in the Cherry Hills subdivision and had a fun night even if a bit exhausting. My best moment was when a man offered Robbie a box of Nerds and Jenise thought he was calling Robbie a Nerd and she yelled He's a Vampire not a nerd!! I love the way those two love each other.
We lasted as long as the kids did and I got home by about ten. Patrick and I talked a lot during the walk. He so obviously still loves Jess it is really sad to see although he tries to hide it, there is just no hiding a love like that. I do often wish they had just been more compatable or at least older when they got together.
I do hate that Jess is with Meezie!!! He will never amount to anything and he will never marry her and he will never support her even halfway. He is being nice to her right now, taking her out to dinner tonight, but I am not at all impressed.
If he wants to impress me he could start by getting real job.
And do his own laundry or SOMETHING around the house besides mess it up and run up the bills.
OK. I got that out of my system for now!!!
Jeremy and I are getting along better again. He does try so hard but he is such a butthead and that is sooo ingrained in him from being raised by a bigger butthead.
I had the Morman elders here again at one today and have agreed to go to church with them tomorrow. I still don't feel any strong urge to join with them. I want to re-read Ann Moore's Till Morning Light and check her references to what she wrote about the beginnings of the Morman church. I know her opinion was negetive but I don't remember what all her disagreements were or where she got her information but I do remember agreeing with her thoughts at the time I read it not long ago at all. And I still have deeply ingrained in me a distrust of all "organized religion" and nothing I have heard or seen yet has let down that guard at all. I am going to attend their church to hear and see what they do there different from other churches I have seen, I have been to many and found them all to be, to me, false, and I will give theirs the same fair chance to make me feel compelled to join. I do enjoy discussing the Bible with people familiar with it, and these guys are although maybe not so much as the workers in the Truth, but I may continue to resist their pushing of The Book of Morman even though I am dutifully reading it to also give it a fair chance. I think I wouldn't bother at all if it weren't for Dawn and wondering how her life is now that she has become a Morman.
I am getting ready now to have all of the grandkids here for the evening. Even Jasmine will be here for a little while while Jess goes out to eat with Meezie. :-) The otheres will be spending the night and I hope most of tomorrow with me.

Speachless

2008-10-29T21:06:00.002-06:00

I've lost my voice with this new bug I caught from Jeremy. I can squeak like a chipmunk or bellow a terrible sound. (that hurts!) I just hope Jessalynn and Jasmine don't get it!!! Nor Jenise and Robbie, but I'm not around them as much although we went over there this evening. We stopped by at Nett's to drop off some Pepto chewable pills because the kids have a stomach flu they likely got from Jessalynn last week. I told them it was candy to get them to take it, not the best idea, I know, but they had already refused the liquid Jeanette tried to give them. Robbie ate his right away but Jenise was suspicious and didn't eat hers until after Robbie asked for another one.
After we left Jeanette's, we stopped at Jessica's to drop off Jessalynn and help a bit with Jasmine while Jess gave Jessalynn her bath. Whie there I realized I was late for an appointment with two Morman elders but didn't have their number with me to call.
Oh, yea. I've been talking to the Mormans. It started the other day when they stopped to chat while Jeremy and I were outside looking at the poor car. Then I invited them to stop by and discuss thier religion a couple of nights later. That went OK and they answered my questions but I didn't necessarily like their answers. I asked why, if Jesus's words were our instructions, set in stone so to speak, why did the Morman church make laws then change them such as Polygamie? They said that many things were changed with the times all throughout the Bible but I don't believe it was meant to be so after the new testament myself. I asked why the only use the King James Version of the Bible when there are words in it that have totally different meanings now? and they said that it was the translation closest to the word of God and that it had a poetic sound to it. Hmmm. I listened to them talk about their church, a lot of it I had already read on the Internet getting ready for their visit, and they made it all sound so very simple and denied that they think that those who don't join the Morman church aren't true Christians. I agreed to read some of the Book of Morman they left and set up to see them again tonight.
The Book of Morman didn't move me at all like they were hoping. It almost seemed blasmephous to me in some ways. There is a lot of rewriting of scripture already in the new Testament with stories added about the words of Jesus that were supposed to be revealed by Joseph Smith who saw them written on gold plates that disappeared after he read them. I was rather impressed with what I had researched about Joseph Smith on the Internet. It is amazing that a boy of fifteeen would have such insights from God or anywhere. I could even believe he was a prophet. I also believe Mohamed and Buddah and martin Luther King and a slew of other were prophets of the same kind. But, I also believe that the Mroman faith has been as corrupted as any other church by the ideas of men. And another thing that bothered me. Jess was here once when they stopped by for a minute last night and they invited her to church and she said she didn't have church clothes and they told her she could wear whatever she wanted, to come as she was. Now, when I first started with "The Truth" they said exactly the same thing but later let me know that women and girls had to wear conservative dresses and never cut their hair, and wear it up once a young woman!, and the men were to wear dress shirts and slacks and have no facial hair. I read in the book of Morman that they expect the women to wear dresses and the men to wear a shirt and tie to church. Those now and then rules have always greatly irked me!!!! It's like they will way anythying to get you there and then they tell you all of the real rules you will go to hell if you don't follow them. They said nothing of the undergarments I know all true Mormans wear... And while I am oging at it, it bothered me that alomst all of the footnote references at the bottom of the pages in The Book of Morman refered you to another chapter and page in The Book of Morman instead of to the Bible.
I like these guys. I'm amazed that there are so many intelligent, influential, people withing the Morman church. Or any other church!! The biggest example the Catholics. Huge churches with huge followings. And millions of people tortured and or killed all for the sake of these religions. Some even torture and kill themselves!!
I haven't yet found the gospel according to the original twelve disciples, or the words of Christ recorded in the Bible, being upheld in any church on earth.
But I do find from time to time people who do all they can to live by these things on their own uncorrupted by the demands of rules and tithings and with no vanity that every one else has it wrong.
Those are the people, and children!, I would want to talk to, if anyone, about God.

War on the Homefront

2008-10-24T21:23:00.002-06:00

We aren't getting along too well. In fact we are either fighting or not speaking. I prefer the not speaking. :-)
It has been brewing for a while. I am sooo sick of Jeremy arguing with Jessalynn all of the time like he is six years old, too, or sometimes even younger. I would just feel pity for him if it was all he is capable of but it is not. If I try to tell him how to deal with her he just argues with me even though everything he or I say only prove that I am telling him the right things. I'm also real tired of how he and Jessica fight all of the time, usually him making some snide remark that starts it off. Add to that he has been spending more and more money on recreation and contributing less and less to the house while bitching more and more about what we can't afford and I want to strangle him.
He was sitting at the computer and I said something that irritated him and he hit the keyboard. I walked over and slapped him across the back of the head and he ripped the whole keyboard tray off of the desk. I told him to get out and he said no so I took an arm load of his clothes and threw them out in the hall. He shoved me out the door with them and shut the door with me out there in the cold in a T-shirt and panties!!! Asswipe!!
Yea, it doesn't help that my car isn't running and I feel trapped here with his bullshit but I have been looking up bus routes and will free myself. Last night I slept in Jessalynn's room with her and it was quite nice.
I am going to apply for Section 8 Housing again. I qualified before but Jeremy couldn't live with me so I gave it up and we moved here. I need my own place or I will never know the peace I want or be able to enjoy my family.
Jeremy asked me what my plans were this morning and I told him that and he got all huffed up and said "So I am supposed to just sit here and pay half your bills until then??!!" I said No way! I told you to get out yesterday and you are free to go anytime. In fact, go now!! I can always take my SSI and go stay with Jeanette until I get my Section 8!! Fool. Try to strongarm me.
It truly is a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
And that makes it not nice to say that but soooo much of what Jeremy doesn't know about how to get along is him refusing to learn, NOT him being unable. MAYBE he truly can't understand WHY he needs to learn the little things about life to get along but that is also his own stubbornness to not see that his judgement never pans out like he thinks it will. There are too many incidents to count, truly, where I have advised him one way and he has gone another to his own detriment, often hurting both of us. He is not beyond eventually learning cause and effect.
Instead Jeremy is just full of himself and frustrated that the rest of the world doesn't see things his way. It is sad that so many take an instant dislike to him but he comes across as such an imbecil, much more so than he really is, because he refuses to believe that acting like he is still in high school just isn't cool at thirty-two. He will beat his head against a wall to prove to me that it isn't harder than his head until he needs stitches.
Almost literally.
I can't take anymore of this!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday Morning

2008-10-23T09:10:00.002-06:00

Last night Jeanette came and drove me around to take care of my business for a few days with trips to Walgreens and the grocery store, etc.
On Beaver's instructions, Jeremy and I put brake fluid in the Master Cylinder yesterday and we were going to try to drive it to the gas station to air the almost flat tires and to the repair shop to save towing fees. The gears shifted at first but before we even took off they froze up again even with the fluid in it so I have to believe it is more than a simple leak and likely the Master Cylinder or worse.
It was a nice outing with Jeanette. We shared our misery and laughed at it and stopped and visited Jess and Jasmine. Patrick dropped Jessalynn off here and I kept her overnight and Patrick will pick her back up tonight for the night. There is no school today and tomorrow because of Parent Teavers Conferences, so we have a few days to get the car fixed if we can afford whatever the price is going to be. We won't know that until Friday when the guy can look at it after we have it towed to him.
Last night I had one of the worst nightmares ever. I dreamed the lights in the house weren't working and then peoplelike things appeared trying to abduct us and I tried all kinds of prayers and encantations that had no effect because they turned out to be some kind of aliens, they kept trying to inject us with something but we fought them even though they were very, very, strong, and when I woke up I was screaming. YUK. One of the few nightmares where I wasn't aware at all that I was only dreaming.

Blast it all!!!

2008-10-21T19:49:00.002-06:00

My car is broken down!!! this brings my life and Jessica's to a stand still. Then to complete the family mess Jeanette just found out her unemployment will be stopped as of next week and I won't be in any position to help her. PLUS I got my Stimulus payment finally only to find that the government had taken all but six dollars of it because an ambulance I was in stopped at the Air Force Hospital to be directed to a non-military facility!!!! That little layover cost me three hundred dollars!!!!!
BLAST!!!

Jasmine and Jessica Home :-)

2008-10-16T22:01:00.002-06:00

It was a beautiful day. Jasmine surprised everyone and was well enough to be discharged with Jessica today. :-)
We left the hospital around three and picked Jessalynn up a little early and showed her class the new baby. Then we went to Walmart to fill Jess's scripts and get a few last minute baby things. I took Jess and Jasmine home and brought Jessalynn here to play with her friends a couple of hours and then Jeremy and I took her home and had a nice visit with them. I clipped Jasmine's fingernails for Jess and gave Jessalynn her bath and put her to bed. It was a sweet feelng over there.
Meezie has also surprised all of us by being really good through all of this. He went into the delivery room with Jessica and was up at the hospital eveyr day and even cleaned the hose before Jessica got home. :-)
There was ice on the windshield when I left home at six this morning to take Jessica some things. Winter is coming!!! It got up to a pleasant sixty degrees today and it looks like that is all we are going to get for a while.
I am glad to be home and ready for a little break after a grueling week. I've been in a lot of pain but already feel a little better tonight. Maybe it is knowing everything is going to be easier for about five weeks until Jeanette is ready to have her baby. I HAVE to be there for her for this one after missing the first two!!!!!!!
Now off to bed. A full day coming tomorrow with getting to the doctor to have my BP checked and get a flu shot, and then getting Jeremy to the Fred Leroy Clinic to have his BP checked and maybe get a change to his seizure medication. He has been having seizures lately even though his Tegretol levels have been high. He will also have to get a flu shot; Jasmine's doctor said for us all to get them. Jessica got hers before leaving the hospital and we a e going to get Jessalynn the nasal spray kind ASAP.
So, Jasmine is home and she and Jessica are doing very well and Jessalynn seems to be taking it all very well and loves her new sister.
A beautiful day. :-)

The Day After Jasmine Born

2008-10-14T17:33:00.002-06:00

I wish I had made an entry yesterday when Jasmine came but it was a long frightening day.
Jeremy and I picked up Jessica and Jessalynn a little before seven, and got her there in time to prep for her C-section. We left the hospital when they took her away to re-park the car and air the almost flat tires and when we got back she had already been delivered and Meezie's mother, Tanya, was there looking at Jasmine being weighed etc. through the glass window to the nursery. Jasmine looked chubby, healthy and was a beautiful mix of Jessica and Meezie and we were all oohing and awing, Meezie had gone with Jess for the delivery and was still with Jasmine in the nursery in his scrubs, and when he left the area to go check on Jessica they moved Jasmine towards the back of the nursery and drew a curtain between her and us. We were immediately concerned and asked at the desk if there was a problem and they said that she was just getting a bath and that they would send Meezie out to talk to us soon. Then we saw them wheel an ex-ray machine to the curtained off area and Tanya and I knew something was wrong. Meezie came out and said that they had told him that she has a slight heart murmur but he knew nothing about the ex-rays being taken. We were allowed to go see Jess in her room and were there when they came and said that they wanted to take Jasmine over to the NICU to be monitored until some tests came back on her. Jeremy asked if Jess could see her first so they brought her by the room for a scant few minutes (during which we snapped some pictures of Jess holding her) and whisked her off to the NICU. Hours later I wheeled Jess to the NICU to see her and we were told that she had something called PDA and it was explained to us. Jess asked if they expected Jasmine to go home when she did on Thursday and they said a definite NO and Jessica fell apart crying. I stayed with her until midnight and only left then because I had to get Jessalynn home and I looked up PDA after I got here. I read about it until three am learning the questions to ask since they didn't seem to be telling us more than we knew to ask. Jess called several times during the night until she finally fell asleep.
I got up a little late this morning and we had decided to let Jessalynn decide whether to go to school or the hospital today and she wanted to go to see her mom and Jasmine. I had to go see Dr. Gold on the way and fell asleep in the examining room. I don't much remember the check up but he said to continue with PT and get some sleep.
Jess had called before we left and said that Dr. Tibbles had been in and told her that the diagnosis had changed to Infant Pulmonary Hypertension, something that Zoloft is guilty of causing, although they don't seem to know of a set cause. That frightened me since I had come across information about it, too, during my late night reading, but when I got to Clarkson Hospital Jessica told me that Jasmine was out of the incubator and when we went down to visit her they said that she had taken an ounce of formula without her oxygen level dropping and that we could hold her. Incredible news!!!
Jess had a rough day while we were there. Jessalynn was maybe tired and grumpy along with her adjustment issues and Jessica was very stressed out and the visit just didn't go very well. I brought Jessalynn home around four-thirty and took Jeremy to work and Jessalynn was asleep in the car when I got home so I sat in our parking lot and read for an hour or so to let her get some rest.
We came in and Jessalynn took her shower and we are getting her ready for school tomorrow before we go back up to the hospital. She has to go tomorrow because it is picture day and it is just time for her to get back to school!

Sunday Before Jasmine

2008-10-12T13:24:00.003-06:00

Jessica called a little bit ago saying she needs to go back to Walmart to exchange something after I take Jenise and Robbie home, which will be a soon as I feed them which will be in about ten minutes.
Finally, we can say that Tomorrow Jasmine will be here. :-)
I woke with a migraine so Jeremy got up with the kids this morning and dressed them and fed them breakfast. Then he went and worked a couple of hours and will return to work at five until closing time.
Jeanette called and said that Michelle had finally stopped fielding Jami's calls for her and gave Jami her number. So maybe the fates have decided that I was correct in wanting to ask Jeanette to take one of her calls!! She said Jami was crying but still blaming me for everything that happened, never able to take responsibility for her actions, and Jeanette told her she should get some mental help for the baby's sake since she was obviously unstable. I know Jami didn't think about how her actions would cut her off from her family or any other consequences when she started in on everyone here that day. She can see nothing but her own rage at those times. And even though life has been much harder for them since leaving here, I doubt she even thinks about how unreasonable she was that day about us "taking advantage of her." Jeanette also told her that I chose not to press charges or anything when Jami said something about me not caring about her. I'm glad that Jami knows that.
I have to feed these guys and get them all ready to go now. Take Jess shopping and try to amuse her some through this nervous day. Maybe get together what I might need at the hospital tomorrow.
See ya.

Grandchildren overnight again

2008-10-12T00:22:00.002-06:00

Jeanette finally let me have Jenise and Robbie overnight for the first time since IT happened. :-) I slept until nine and spent the day finishing cleaning and clearing the house, took about a hundred pounds of stuff to Goodwill, and got the kid's room set up cute again, and Jeanette and Rob dropped off Jenise and Robbie around four and Jessalynn got here around six. We had a good time together and I fed them supper and then made them some Rice Crispy treats. Yum.

Yesterday I took Jess for her pre-baby check-up and she passed with flying colors. Her left lung has healed nicely with the new antibiotic and the baby's heartbeat is strong and good. The countdown is getting very close, since it is after midnight, I can say Jasmine will be delivered tomorrow!! We will get to the hospital Monday at 6:30 am and the C-section is scheduled for 8:30 am.

I stopped at Dr. Hay's office Friday and had my blood pressure checked and the doctor doubled my medication and I am to go back in next week sometime and get it checked again.

I took Jeremy to the Fred Leroy clinic Thursday so they could run some tests to determine what kind of arthritis he has. His blood pressure is questionable, too, but the doctor wants to give him a chance to correct it with some diet changes and go back in and have it checked again in a week or so, too. I'm worried that he likely has Rheumatoid Arthritis from what the doctor said about the symptoms of the different kinds of arthritis, but I guess we will know soon when they get the tests back. In the mean time she prescribed a general NSAID arthritis medicine. If he does have Rheumatoid the medication will be so expensive that it will be cheaper to drive to the Indian reservation in Winnebago, where there is a hospital that dispenses free medication to Native Americans, than it would be to fill it at a pharmacy here. I looked up Winnebago and it is just south of Sioux City, not too bad of a drive, and it would be interesting to see the reservation if we do end up having to go there. It's been a long time since we have taken a road trip anyhow.

Jeremy and I have grown closer again and have really been enjoying being together. I have been the problem and decided to fix my attitude and stop taking him so much for granted. He so often has come last in everything for too long with me caring for my girls and their children and I had to stop and remind myself that I would be totally lost without him and not even able to do the things I do for my girls without him. And it is wonderful how he accepted the change in my attitude with simple gratitude and joy instead of recriminations for being so neglectful for so long. It really humbled me to think how patiently he has waited for me to remember to put him first again. I hope I never forget again.

I got an email this morning asking if I want to accept Jami as a friend on Facebook. We are all stunned that she sent the request. I know it is an attempt to reconnect with me, and I have always just let it go and accepted overtures like this after an "incident" in the past, but this time I feel like I have to have at least some acknowledgement of what she did, if not an apology!, instead of just going on like it never happened. In fact, I think maybe I should have never done that before and set such a ludicrous precident. I didn't deny the request but I didn't respond either.

I received a short, sweet, letter from Lindsey Thursday. I got her a new bra tonight at Walmart because she asked for some new ones. If this one fits her then I wil get her more. She is upset that her mother and I aren't together anymore and I am so sorry that this is effecting her. Everything about what happened is just sad.

My mouse is going bonkers and it is very late so I will stop here. Also, Robbie usualy wakes up around five in the morning although he usually will go back to sleep if I put him in bed between Jeremy and me. :-)

Goodnight.

NOt so lazy...

2008-10-08T00:37:00.003-06:00

Ah, my lazy day changed after taking Jeremy to work at four. I set out to clean all of the things Patrick gave us out of his basement, baby things, mostly Kunashe's, and I cleaned the toys and furniture on the patio and organized it nice (we've had one notice from the management to take care of it). I had a bad spell while doing the cleaning, shaky and dizzy. Took my BP, 164 over 115, so I ate a few corn chips and rested a little bit and was OK. I think I am having some low blood sugar problems again. I finished all of that and then went to Jessica's. I rearranged Jessalynn's room to make room for Jasmine's crib and the room looks really cozy and cute. It took me over an hour just to put the crib together!!! I finished cleaning Jessalynn's room and did her laundry and was done at eleven thirty, in time to pick up Jeremy from work.
I am soooo sore and tired and will be sore tomorrow but it was worth it to finally get all of that done!!!
Now, to bed.

Jess back to ER

2008-10-07T12:40:00.002-06:00

Yesterday when I got to Jessica's she was trying to get Jessalynn ready for school and crying because she was in so much pain. Jess almost never cries from pain!!! I took Jessalynn to school, canceled Jeremy's dentist appointment, and took Jess to the ER. This time I stayed with her to make sure they did something besides tell her to take tylenol and use a hot pack.
They sent her up to OB and her OB team took care of her, running blood tests and doing Ex-rays. The main doctor thought she had pneumonia in her left lung but she didn't although her blood test showed she still has an infection there. He checked her side where the severe pain is and said she had cracked a rib coughing. I kept saying that she needed something for pain besides tylenol and they finally gave her some Hydrocodone and a prescription for it as well as a new antibiotic. We were there almost five hours but this time it was worth it. Plus we got to see the rooms moms go to after they ahve their babies. It was really nice with a jaccuzzi and a long couch that turns into a bed. (for me!!)
When I got to Jessica's this morning she was still asleep but I kept knocking until Jessalynn looked out the window and let me in. I was, thankfully, there early, so I had time to get Jessalynn ready for school. Jess got up as we were leaving and I assured her everything was taken care of and to go back to bed.
It was really cool out this morning so I came home and snuggled back into bed with Jeremy and took a long nap. Lazy day!!! It is still cool but bright and sunny and windy out now. Really a beautiful fall day.

Sleepy Head

2008-10-05T17:55:00.002-06:00

I don't believe this. Jeremy let me sleep in today and I slept until four pm!!!!! And then he had to wake me up to watch Jessalynn because it was time for him to go to work! You would think I would feel marvelously rested but I am sluggish as a Sloth and stiff as a board!
Now I am headed to Jessica's to finish cleaning and rearranging Jessalynn's room to fit a crib in there. (Jess is feeling a little better but still confined to bed.) And I hope to get to clearing our living room and patio. I was up until two cleaning out the room Jami and Kirk were using and turning it back into a kid's room.
And so I'm taking off for now!!!!! Peace.

Jess Worse

2008-10-04T20:30:00.003-06:00

Jess called today and said that she was coughing and felt something snap in the place that is hurting her. When I got to her house she could hardly move because she was in so much pain. I took her a heating pad to use and stayed and cleaned Jessalynn's room to get it ready to go set up the crib in there for her tomorrow. Jess is "nesting" and it is driving her nuts with being laid up and so much she wants to get done before she has the baby.
I'm getting around a little better today, it started out OK but the pain in my hips, legs, and back is pretty outrageous right now!! The good news is I don't notice the pain in my neck so much for now...
Kirk came and got all of their stuff that they want today so that is over with. The room they used is still quite a mess with the trash he left and the living room is piled with our stuff still but getting Jess's house in order is the priority for now.
I do wish Jeremy spent more time helping me instead of laying in bed watching TV when he is home...
Jessalynn is spending the weekend with me since Mommy is laid up. She wanted to anyhow so she can play with her friend, Ania, here.
Patrick hasn't asked for Jessalynn in a long time except to take her to his mom's and Jessalynn said she doesn't want to go with him again unless he is going to spend some time with her. I don't know what is up with him. He used to always at least spend one day a week with her.
Rob just stopped by to pick up a TV Jeremy got for Robbie's room. Robbie has been waking up screaming for some time now and Jeanette is hoping some distraction in his room will calm him down. Oh and Rob was shocked to see our living room!!! I really have to get it dug out and reorganize the house. A lot of it is stuff that was stored in the middle room closet that we had to move to the garage when Jami and Kirk moved in and then there are all of the baby things I have acquired... Even the patio is piled with stuff.
Now I'm off to rest a bit before Jeremy gets off work.