Depression

I seldom fall victim to depression like this. Thank God. It feels very much like when someone close dies but no has died lately. I am sure it is triggered by the death of what I have felt was a close relationship with Jessalynn's father, Patrick, but that is not all of it, only the last straw perhaps. Patrick blindsided us Thursday with court papers demanding imediate temporary custody of Jessalynn and we go to court April 4th. I would repsect it if I had any belief that he did this in Jessalyn's best interest. He stated in his own deposition that he has always had free access to Jessalynn yet he has never in my memory kept her more than overnight on a weekend occasionally, never even for a whole weekend, unless he was taking her out of town for a family reunion or something. No. This is the culmination of four years of him bitching about paying child support and never understanding that the money he has to pay is for the overall support of Jessalynn. Not that he has at all regularly paid. He has only made payment when threatened with being held in contempt of court or of having his driving license suspended. Add to that he was very angry that Jess stopped letting him claim Jessalynn on his taxes the year he didn't give her her share of it. He swore after tax time this year he would have revenge and now he is trying for it. He says he borrowed the money from his mother to do this. He called me and said that he hoped we would have the same relationship as before. I thought I told him that ship had sailed but then Jess called and told me that Patrick was telling her that I was fine with all if this. I called him and apologized if I hadn't made myself clear but that I would never have any respect or even liking for him again in any way. I told him that he was aware that Jess would need my support in this as he had to have help paying for his lawyer from his mother and that I don't have friends who cost me a thousand dollars out of the blue for ridiculous claims because they don't understand child support. It seems that I am worried about everything these days. I have no clue how Jeanette is going to manage with her vision still mostly limited to one eye and Jess is totally dependant on child support that seldom comes and State aid that is never enough for a little longer and Jami and Kirk still can't take care of themselves let alone the addiction taht seems to have claimed them again and I watch my savings disappearing with all of their needs until I know that I will soon have trouble taking care of myself. Jeremy is doing well in school and working terribly hard but he studies constantly to keep his grades up and cna do very little to help me with anything. Indeed, I feel terrible I have helped him so little with his studies after promising so much more when he enrolled in the CNA class. Then there will be the worry of him finding a good nursing job when he does graduate and surviving until that income begins. I had hoped to have enough saved that we could move to a better home when our lease is up here but that is doubtful with having to hire reprsentation for Jess. Jessalynn does not want to live with Patrick so for that reason alone I will seek the best of the best help to stop Patrick's plan to get her and get out of paying child support. I have also been looking for a little car for Jessica but don't know if there will be money for that either after this custody issue is dealt with. There is a bright spot. We were all so worried that Jess getting attacked in her own home twice would make things worse for her. I can't imagine being agorraphobic and then being attacked in the one place I felt safe, I expected a huge setback at least, but it has instead had a totally different effect. She says it made her feel empowered forf the first time, she fought off both attacks herself and survived. God does have the strangest ways of giving blessings!!!! I think her reovery since then has been unbelievable and I do think she could be persuaded to start driving a little again if she had a car. I might still find a way to make that happen for Jess and her girls.