Always in trouble

 It feels like Jesse's always mad at me, like I'm a little kid getting in trouble! And I do understand that old people are kind of thought of as and treated as little kids as we start to get less capable,!? It usually doesn't really bother me, but just every now and then, it hits me funny because I'm the one that takes care of making sure we survive here. I'm the one Who makes sure the bills get paid. I'm the one who stresses when I can't pay them, like this month. But I'm in trouble if I don't clean the cat box everyday, or if I get distracted while I'm supposed to be doing something, like cleaning the basement right now, and I start fixing up Jazz's car for her because I borrowed it to go get Jesse a coffee.

Jeanette has said something about when she moves in she wants to be able to pay all or most of the bills so I have some spending money. I really can't think of anything I would spend money on, I don't really care about clothes, I don't really care about what I eat, but there might be one thing I would want to do if I had the money. First of all it would be to go see my brother before one of us dies. I dream of doing that all the time! Or sometimes just traveling, driving across country even though I'm an old woman who probably shouldn't now. I used to love doing that. I drove to Texas from Omaha five times a year sometimes! But I think sometimes I would just like to get away from here. I really wanted to get away when Jeremy and I split up and everybody seemed to stand behind Jeremy instead of me. Well the people in this house anyways. That made me want to run away and I still have that feeling. I'm pretty sure I forgiven everybody for what they did and said then even though I think they were wrong. Okay wait. Take that back. I don't forgive Jocelyn and brandon. They went way overboard. They had no business at all they don't even live here. It was probably an excuse that they don't have to worry about what goes on here. Okay, the friction might just be about jessica. She's never apologized for it. And I think it's because she doesn't feel like she did anything wrong. And that hurts. All the years Jeremy hated her and was hateful to her and I stood by her and taken care of her, and it meant nothing to her. I will never understand that. And I want to get away from it sometimes. Even though I love just to death! I think she's one of the sweetest people ever born! And most of the time I love the way she takes care of this house, the house I already gave to her. The house, I often feel like I don't belong here. Like I'm not wanted here. And it's not about Kira or jazz. Kara was part of it at the time of the split up, but she's just a kid, and I think she understands it better now. I know it's probably confusing to all of them to find out how much Jeremy and I still love each other! If they're even capable of understanding that. Funny, jeremy, the one everybody thought was just a little slow, understands what happened to your better than anybody. Actually apologized for his part and what happened here. Actually invites me to come to work he is and get away from everybody here. And that would be probably really nice for me! But I wouldn't do it to him. He's still in a rough patch dealing with the split, morning what was lost, but he still needs to be out on his own to find something new. That's what I want for him. He was so miserable here. He sends me heartbreak songs all the time, songs about lost love, songs about mistreating someone who loves you. But it is time for him to stop grieving, it's time for both of us to start a new life. I know my life is almost over. But if I'm going to be here any longer I'd like to find another life for myself. Not necessarily another relationship! Just a life. There's got to be more than sitting around feeling like a kid in trouble everyday. There's got to be something more than always feeling like you need what you don't have. I would like to just have the food that is good for me to eat everyday. And don't have the energy to make it, nobody else would like what I need or want, but I still wish I had it.

Nightmare kind of

 I had one of those nightmares where I knew i was asleep and kept trying to make my body move to wake up.  A man kept grabbing me from behind in like a backwards bear hug. At one point it was a big guy and it felt kind of like Jeremy so I stopped trying so hard to wake up but then he lit a cigarette so it wasn't really Jeremy and then I woke up. 

Pending Disasters

 House and car going to blow up,  need to make sure insurance is paid up....

My car needs a new head gasket and whatever changing that entails.  The natural gas leak here is getting much worse. I have gas and electric shut off notices.  But

I goy my chest CT results and the "suspicious spot" is not at this time cancer.  But if I died my life insurance would pay everything off...  

Win some, lose some.

Jeanette says Jordan will fix my car.  Yes, The Jordan who was fixing my van transmission for $500 that I had to pay someone else $5000 to replace.  Maybe I won't pay him in advance this time...

Lindsey and Annabella came this morning with Adonis for the dog walk at Mile Park.  That went OK, Adonis didn't eat Gabby, Nova, or Me. 

Another day in the neighborhood. 

Winter is back!!

They even canceled school today and it hasn't even started to snow yet! Our area is expected to get 6 inches!! I bet we don't be we are preparing just in case.   

I'm working on the basement drain again today.  Jami left a few days ago saying she would return the next day to fix the drain... I have shop vacked out the laundry room several times.  Last time I even got the standing water around the edges of the room.  It is all nasty mold everywhere.  When I am clearing the drain down there I am very careful about not taking the mold thru the basement, wiping my feet on a towel soaked in bleach whenever I leave the laundry room.  I KNOW no one else is even that careful.  I'm going to have to mop the path from the laundry room to the bathroom,  and probably everywhere! with bleach when/ if this is ever over.  Jami says that the floor drain doesn't go directly to the Main Drain,  that the clog is between the laundry room and the main line that runs from the toilet to the street down there.  I'm suctioning the standing water over the floor drain again and then putting in a drain cleaner that Toby recommended and praying that works.  Yesterday I got that drain completely empty and when I stuck the shop vac hose in the drain it sucked up a large bolt.  ?? What the hell else is down there? I bought a drain cover for the floor drain when we moved in but have often gone down there and found it left uncovered.  Whatever.  It is a hell of a lot of work for me to clear the drain!! I bought a 3 Gallon shopvac but it sure doesn't seem to take up 3 gallons!! I've been emptying it into a 5 gallon bucket and carry that to dump down the toilet down there.  I can fill it with 2 shopvacfuls and could fit another 1 in the bucket except that would make it too heavy for me to safely carry.  So. I can't believe this is really a 3 gallon shopvac!! I'm buyout great at math but I shouldn't be any to empty it even 2 times into my 5 gallon bucket.  

Time to get to it.  I HATE THIS So Much!!!! 

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe this might work???

What I said

 I did try to have the talk with Robby.  I told him that there was No Way he could be in the right to fight with his mom because she really does not have to put up with it.  That he is almost 20 years old and his mom shouldn't be supporting him when all he does is play video games.  He started with the Everyone Treats Riley differently and I said Of course we do! you guys are different people and Riley is 2 years younger. I said everything that everyone has been saying about his situation and tried every way I could think of to make him hear me.  But he really didn't.  I could see him shutting me out,  I could see him working hard to keep a neutral face,  and then he said,  I don't know what to say that you would understand, and I said,  No, you know that I WOULD understand,  and then that I would tell you that you are wrong, and Part of you KNOWS that you are wrong! so you don't say it out loud.  I told him that he had to go back home and make things right with his mom.  That there is No Excuse for the way he has treated Jeanette and that he needs to learn to at least Act grateful that she still houses him.  

Robby might have an undiagnosed mental issue but it all Feels like just a terrible attitude. He acts 100% entitled and really doesn't see that that attitude is groundless. He has No Ability to Feel The Room because he is so wrapped up in his self pity and what he believed is righteous anger.  I struggling to even find words to describe his aura. He came here for refuge carrying with him the attitude that His needs should come first.  Example.  We told him that he had to keep his dog with him at all times here and when Lucky tried to go into Jess's room and Nova snapped at her Robby said that Jess needed to put up a gate to contain her dog! That is a clear little example of his thinking. He had the nerve to go through Jami's things, and not only helped himself, but judged the things she had.  Wrong words. Ok. He brought several cans of cat food upstairs that he found in her room and said,  'Look at what Jami has hidden in he room!' I said, 'What? She buys those for her cat!' He said,  'No, these were definitely hidden in her room!' I again said,  'SHE BUYS THOSE! She has No Reason to hide them - THOSE ARE HERS!' Yet he Insisted that she was doing something wrong with them and  he Would Not back down.  I just told him to stop going through her things and I had to run to the store and Jess told me that he went right back down there as soon as I left! WTF??? And he was helping himself to things.  Jess saw him carrying something upstairs and he hunched over whatever it was and turned away from her trying to sneak it past her and hid it in his things. WTF?? I don't think he even understood that he was STEALING from Jami.  Yes. Lindsey looked through Jami's things and took things that were hers, and a few things that she found out were not her things, and Lindsey brought those things back.  Lindsey clearly didn't feel entitled to Jami's belongings and she is Jami's daughter who Might rightfully feel like he mom owes her something.  Jami doesn't owe Robby a damn thing! No One does. Not even his mother. And that is a really the tough one for Robby to grasp. Yes. Jeanette,  like ALL moms,   has made mistakes.  But Robby's current situation is the result of His Own mistakes.  HE chose to stop going to school. HE chose to sit there not working in the YEARS since then.  I had thought for a while the he has to feel something, like at least feel left behind,  when the younger little girls in the family passed him up working and buying nice cars. I was prepared to try to make him feel better about that,  make him see the he could still 'catch up' if he started behaving properly with his mom so she could continue to help him while he got his shit together.  But I had that all wrong. He doesn't really feel left behind by the girls working harder for their futures.  He seems to think that the girls just had more help than he did.  I don't think at that Robby even believes that Jazz and Kira saved and bought their own cars.  He didn't Say It but I really think he believes that I secretly helped them.  Kind of like how it has seemed like Robby has just been sure that I have a lot of money the he is entitled to and not being given his Fair Share of. I bought them all computers when we got the settlements.  I had to exchange some of them including his. At the time Robby told me not to replace his,  the he really would rather have $200 for a new bed.  I sent him the money.  He still feels like I owe him a PC. It has come up several times in different ways. WTF. I say that about So Many situations wit him! W T F. I do have a deep feeling of pity for him,  mostly that he if So Lost in SELF pity that he has crippled himself.  

Again. There could  be a mental issue behind a lot of this.  Jeanette took him to Dr Jeffrey to try an antidepressant because he is definitely depressed.  But a lot of his depression springs from his strange attitude about his life. Where does That come from?? He should be in therapy but I doubt he even takes the antidepressant. Jeanette did put him in therapy a few years ago but he didn't like it,  didn't want to do it,  which makes it hard to make progress.  And I haven't met many therapists who are any good.  Who seem to really be trying to help instead of just getting a pay check.  Who seem to care.  I spent years in therapy after Steve left to buy cigarettes ant the only one who stands out was a meditation therapist. Not because she was so good but because what she was teaching was so valuable to me.  Robby needs one with some skill to rewire the way he is looking at his life in this world.  And he needs it for all of us.  Robby has become a dark cloud in the family.  The bad energy surrounding him is suffocating him and everyone around him.  It is a little terrifying. 

I have been working on writing this for days hoping that figuring out how to write it will give me a clue to how to help him. Maybe. 

A week w/Robby

 Oh my.  My grandson,  Robby, was here for a week during the mess here.  I really don't know exactly how to describe what that was like.  I didnt really understand what Jeanette has been going through with him.  He will be 20 years old in 2 months.  He stopped going to school ago 3 years ago and has barely worked since then.  He worked part time at Dairy Queen for a few months.  Was Let Go.  Jeanette was seeing up job interviews for him that somehow never panned out until he got a security job at Burlington last fall that he quickly was died from.  He has contributed next to nothing financially and barely helped around the house.  I know people were telling Nett to put him Out. I mentioned several times that my mother put Mike out when he stopped going to school.  Not that I had agreed with her! We had just lost our father and were all messed up,  including her. But it did many Mike learn to talky care of himself.  I want wanting Nett to put Robby out on the street like that but even if i had been she wouldn't have. Jeanette sufferes from what most mothers suffer from, Guilt, but even me than most. Yes, she made some big mistakes like being together with Jon  and then Asshole David, but most of her problems were out of her control.  Losing her eye, catching on fire. Plus it is just really hard to be a single parent,  especially with teenagers! Whatever. 

She had been telling me how Robby gets violently angry but I don't think I really understood it until now.  They got in an argument over Robby doing the dishes and she told him to get out. But it didn't look like she was going to actually put him out so I let him come here so I could maybe talk to him - truthfully I'm not totally sure of what my intentions were but I am sure that I really had no clue what I was getting into.  He is a MESS. We always knew that he has anger issues.  He was a frightening little kid even in elementary school.  Jeanette probably didn't forget that but I kind of did in the years since they lived with me.  I think I was just assuming that he had grown out of that behavior.  He mostly presents himself to me as very sweet, thoughtful even, but I would hear things from Jeanette and Riley that I wish I had taken a lot more seriously.  I mostly just observed him during the week he was here trying to figure him out and fidget out hour to talk to him,  how to help him.  

Been a while

 Everything has been happening too much too fast or at a standstill because I am sick so it has felt overwhelming to write anything.  I've been dealing with severe stomach pain any diarrhea for about 2 weeks now.  Not sure about Why and I'm a little afraid to find out. That's the Oh wow I'm old thing.  Something is likely going to take me out soon so medical crisis are frightening 🫣 . I saw Dr. Jeffrey a couple of days into it but I want worried about it yet,  a couple of days of cramping diarrhea happens fairly regularly with the IBS and bowel resection I have going on. Yesterday I saw Dr Gold who heard good beasts and thought zebras, he is afraid that I have Cdiff  and asked me to leave his clinic and go see Dr Jeffrey again. I haven't yet. Then I had a crown built too high after a root canal - OUCH - that was probably infected plus UTI symptoms so I started Amoxicilan even tho I knew it might make the gut issue worse.  I don't know if it did but it didn't get worse or better.  The tooth still hurts and peeing still hurts and I am 5 days in the antibiotics.  Through all of this we've had a war between Jami and Lindsey,  Robby came here for a week and Phillip and Jenise came for their birthday tempura and cake on the 6th. 

The Jami/Lindsey war is just sad.  I have worried every time they started hanging out together again because it has always ended badly.  If they could ever just visit without getting up each other's butts it might not be so bad. They are always both a little wrong in these things.  I don't know why again when trouble got started Jami's first reaction was "OK - I'm packing my stuff and leaving." She did that when I found out Mike Watson was staying here and said he had to go.  That was a little understandable,  she was leaving to be with him so he could kick her ass again. Ok. Not so understandable.  More understandable than this time.  True when she was yelling at Lindsey defending herself and then started yelling at me because she thought I was just defending Lindsey and then I told her Yea, take your things and go - And then she always says something like "That's what you wanted all along". Shit. She is very much a pain in the ass to house but I have done it over an over even tho it Always goes the same.  Her part of the house trashed, meth and meth people in our house, next to No contribution, etc. I HAVE been telling her all year that I needed to move Jeanette or someone in who can and does help with the bills an Jami is always going to help Next Week or tomorrow,  whatever.  

Then in all this BS Jenise and Phillip come for their birthdays and I try to make it  good visit,  I haven't seen them since Thanksgiving!, but I was too sick and worn down to do the tempura dinner we planned and it SUCKED. We tried to at least do a stir fry but I did the rice and ruined it which ruined the dinner.  *sigh*

I'm in terrible pain. Blinding cramps. And dammit what if it IS C- diff??

More blurrr

 Ok. Last week Jeanette's car broke down and i was driving her until she got her car Friday BUT then the ignition broke so I'm driving again until she can get it fixed.  

Then the last day that I drove her,  or was it after??, Robby and Jeanette got in a big fight and he ended up here i thought to cool off but that had not happened at all.  Lindsey can't here worried that her mom has things of hers because I found Jake's Mastercard in my car and Lindsey has never been in my car so Jami must have stopped it there.  Then Jeanette and Riley came over and were looking at the basement and they found Annabella's social security card on the floor by the basement bath room so Lindsey asked if she could check if her safe and some other things were in her mom's room and they and other things were.  I sent a picture of the things to Jami only saying oh No. Jami rushed home and the fight was on.  The really stupid thing was that Jami's first reaction was to say 'I'm coming home to get my stuff' ant I remembered she did the same thing when I found out that she was sneaking Mike into the house. She really spent have any where else to live and her first reaction here is to say she is leaving.  She came home very angry,  loudly defending herself so aggressively it was very frightening. At some point she yelled that I was a MF and I said 'OK get your stuff and go' but she also immediate said that she shouldn't have said that.  Way too much trauma and drama!!!

Aside from ALL of the BS going on,  Lindsey stayed the night Friday and we got to hang out a LOT together which was realtor nice 🙃. I had wanted that for a long time. 

I don't want any of the other BS.

A blur of days

 I barely know what day it is lately.  I was sick for a few weeks and then life started happening again.  And more. I've had to drive Jeanette to work and back a while,  which i don't mind at all,  it seems like it's the only time we get to talk,  but then there has been trouble with her and Robby, who is here now,  Lindsey has been coming around,  and with that Jami and she have been fighting,  and now I am spared to be preparing for Jenise and Phillip to come for their Tempura birthdays next weekend,  😍. Oh and I have a bad tooth hurting me,  should get to see my dentist tomorrow.  

First I really need to figure out how to get through to Robby. He's been here a few days and I haven't accomplished anything with him.  I was hoping he was working it out himself but then today I found out that he is trashing Jeanette and not trying to make anything better at all.  He has some really strange and bad anger issues. 

More late.   Kira is really sick,  102 temp, need to take care of her. 

Better

 A much better day.  I feel like I woke up today. I know that I have been very ill but barely remember the last week. I'm still a little shaken driving,  I picked up Riley today, and stopped at King Vape, but I had a couple of mistakes that could have been accidents.  I was kind of hungry today and enjoyed dinner, stuffed shells,  no meat,  🙂. My ears are ringing a little and my eyes feel funny but I'm pretty sure that I'm finally starting to feel better.  Maybe good enough that I could make it to see Dr Jeffrey 🤔.

I'm in the back yard and it's 3 am. I was never comfortable in the back,  and even sometimes the front!, yard at the last house.  We are still in North O but most of the time it feels safe here.  No one had been shot on our street!! This is an older neighborhood,  mostly homeowners around our house.  It's nice.  I hope this area stays nice but if it goes downhill the girls can sell it.  I doubt Jess will want to leave here so I hope someone helps her keep this place if she wants it after I'm gone.  She won't be able to handle it on her own even if she gets on disability.  I wouldn't be able to if I didn't have guardianship pay for Jazz and even with that I am really struggling to pay the bills.  It doesn't help that I seem to be chronically running behind and have to set alarms to get anything done. And then too often ignore the alarm or procrastinate until we are flying by the seat of our pants. I believe Jeanette is really going to move in here and that will save us but I feel so stressed worried about how Jess will handle it. Sometimes I feel like i can't breathe. Mostly dealing with Robby.  He can't be acting Neanderthal punching holes in walls,  yelling,  and slamming doors.  Riley loses it,  too, sometimes.  Jess and stress rhyme but do not go together well!!

Sicker

 I'm not getting this,  getting a little scared,  this is just awful. 

2 Below

...right now.  It's very true that the winters are much,  much,  warmer than they were the first 10 years or more that I lived in the "Forzen Tundra" as my friend Barbara used to say. Barbara and Pat and my mom wanted me back in Texas the most.  I'm still up here.  Freezing.  One and a half more months,  then amnesia causing spring. No. The amnesia doesn't really happen any more.  Spring is beautiful enough to make you forget how BAD winter was but I never forget any more. It was just amazing to me the first time I saw spring up here.  Winter was never harsh enough in Texas for spring to even stand out.  But first.  Surviving winter. This might be my last.  

Odd that's not at all comforting. 

Urgent Care

 I finally decided I was sick enough to need a doctor.  I don't know got many days I have spent miserable telling myself I would feel better tomorrow but today I sought professional help.  Actually, I would go  than I do but I am always afraid they won't help me although of course I don't invite that until I actually go.  I'm not even sure what is wrong. I just knew that Doxycycline world many it better so I said everything I could think of to get it. Sinus, bladder, lungs,  something is infected or maybe everything is infected. Night sweats,  vomiting,  headache and then today I was driving with the windows open,  maybe 20 degrees out? because I was sweating and that was the last straw as they say.  I just hope this works but actually I know that it will I just don't know how long I will feel better.  I go round and round with this.  There is probably an underlying cause but until I know what it is I at least know that this will make it better for a while. 

I had a 2 hour face time with Jenise and Elliot this evening.  😄❤️ Love that!!

Annabella

 I got Annabella for the first time today 🫠. She's pretty adorable! And super smart.  I only had her for a few hours and Jess helped a Lot. (All children and animals love Jess. That says a lot about who she is!( I guess I will do a couple of things to make this house more kid friendly.  I planned on doing it for Elliot, but I'm doing it now for Annabella and hopefully still for Elliot!! We have little chairs but also might need a little table.  Jess gave her cereal and she had to sit on the floor and us the little chair for a table.  It worked but I hope to do better.  Lindsey also had Toby bring me a couple of shelves from clearing out her house that hopefully will help with organizing some things here.  It's terrible that we have been here almost 2 years and still haven't finished setting up the house. A lot of what needs taken care of is my stuff and tools tht need to be taken downstairs to the tool cabinet.  Maybe I can get Riley to come help me with that?? OK. Back to Annabella. She is a lot of fun to have around but I think I forgot how much energy for into keeping up with toddlers.  I miss having the grandkids all here when they were little BUT I don't think I could keep up with all of them now.  Great Grandma. Oh my! Also,  Lindsey is having trouble with her mother in law, who they are living with for now!, and Lindsey says she makes her compete for Annabella and does things like take off to Vegas with Annabella without consulting Lindsey.  I decided to get in this stupid game.  I had a squishy Bluey waiting here for Annabella and I'm probably going to keep making it known that I'm great grandma BY Bloodline. We'll put that in her pipe to smoke.  

Nightmare

 I HATE the nightmares.  Alone in the world. Being ripped to sheds and no one cares.  No one to save me.  Alone. How everyone here,  in this house,  made me feel when Jeremy and I split. The way my children were after Steve left.  Alone.  I'm awake now.  But I don't want to the comfort of That was only a nightmare - I live it,  too. Homeless.  Alone.  So many times.  So I dreamed of buying my own home.  Filling it with people who loved me.  And I'm alone in it. I thought my life was a test I had to "pass" to get to heaven.  Jeanette says it hasn't been a test,  that it has been a punishment that ran in 22 year cycles. There was comfort in believing her.  I could stop trying to pass the impossible test. But I'm still here.  

I cry. 

❄️ a little

 Quite cold again.  February should be the end of this and then the spring dazzles me so by fall I have forgotten the misery.  

I would probably try to build another snow fort if we got enough of the right snow. I would have Jess checking on me if I did and maybe take an oxygen tank outside with me. I wonder - do those work when they freeze?? Hmm. Whatever.  Irie would nerve less work than before.  The first time I had to start over a dozen or so times trying to fight or how to do it.  The next year I struggled to remember what worked best the last year by it was a bigger fort with a fireplace🔥 in the middle. Caught myself on fire in there. A mini dozen, like a riding lawnmower with a snow scoop would neve awesome.  Dinghy think I'll be able to get one.  Jeremy gave away my riding mower... that still stings a little.  But,  yes, I would make the attempt if we got even 1 foot of snow. Annabella might like it.  Everyone else would just say yep, she's still not quite all there... and I have new neighbors to impress.  I've always also wanted to try an ice sculpture even though I sucked at the big bar of ivory soap sculptures in high school.  I don't remember what I was trying to carve but Bill Goolsby bit the top of it off on the list day.  I got an F in sculpture.  Probably saved me from an F that I couldn't blame anyone else for.  That art teacher was one of many who decided to hate me day 1c of being in their class.  Most were clearly racist but a few just had that reaction to me.  Or they wetter me cleverly racist ... Anyway,  I would love to sculpt something dramatic like a dragon. I might need Bill Goolsby... He was still alive in FB the last time I looked.  Funny,  I ferment him but that incident in at class is All I remember about him.  I know I never hung out with him,  completely different clicks whatever.  An igloo would be really cool,  that was actually what I started out trying to make the first time, that ended up just being a fort.  It might not be cold enough to build an igloo here... I've also always been interested in winter camping.  The kind where you're cute and a good sleeping bag kept you alive.  Dammit. I think the trash truck is coming

And Wow. Jess remembered to get the trash out last week. 

With Jeanette's household we will have 8 people living here 😮. I know Jess is dragging the merge maybe more than Jami.  I am the only one actually loving the idea just to see more of Jeanette.  

Jess HATES the idea of turning the living room into a room for Jeanette but I really want to do it and so does Jeanette. Our living room has barely been used in the 2 years we have been here.  The girls have had friends over playing in there a handful of times and Jazz used the big TV a few times to play her games.  Jlynn and bitchass campef out in it on weekends a few times too many the first 6 months. Jenise and Phillip called out there a couple of days after Thanksgiving.  A and it just sits there enough m empty with $2,000 of furniture and a life size TV. (OK. Not quite life size, but Close!). Things are piled around the edges and in the corners that never got unpacked or put away. It Does Not get used.  The dining room,  either. Even if we have Thanksgiving or something here,  Jess and Jazz don't join us even though Jess is the one who wants to have these sit down dinners. I thought it was just us messing up family traditions but recently I read that it is just the way things are for Most People these days.  Family rooms are becoming obsolete except for Gaming Rooms. And Mancaves are a thing for some,  too. Jeremy ended up with one at the last house.  Obsolete.  Electronics have a lot to do with it.  When we used to gather as a family at restaurants,  the last few years half (or more) of us would be on our phones. Jess and sometimes Riley are the only ones who actually talk to me when I'm driving us places.  Jami is the worst.  She is deaf in one ear, can't hear well, but also just absolutely absorbed in her phone almost all of the time.  I can say any outlandish thing (like wow I just saw a purple squirrel) sometimes to get her attention and she never notices. Riley usually does. After a few he will say,  "Wait. Say whatever that was again!") He does manage to keep up some kind of conversation most of the time.  He's the only one who always asks how I am doing,  what kind of a day have I had.  Tells me he loves me EVERY time I see him. Next they will say that passenger seats in cars are Obsolete.  They are working on perfecting self driving cars.  More isolation. Oh, I turned onto this street on the way to Jeanette moving in. 

Some of this snow is sticking. 

Today I hope to finish saving the poor, mangled, Christmas tree. Jazz has a dentist appointment this afternoon.  I also hope to at least start on clearing my wreck of a room. It is just terrible. I've been crippled or sick So Much since we moved here! (Yes and I hope to build a able fort!) My room is 2 to 3 feet deep except for a small area by the door (so it can open) and I have the pet food and water in the edge of there.  A LOT of it if just trash and goodwill stuff that needs sorted and eliminated.  (A lot of words aren't allowed on YouTube now and last night I herd a site using the word "deleted" instead of "murdered"😅. 

😬Teeth!

 I got my teeth today 😁. I go the toppers about a week ago but they get,  needed adjusted. This ups my self confidence hugely.  I've hated smiling for years.  Eating has been almost impossible except for soups etc. I had them made a couple of shades lighter than my stained teeth so now I just need to bleach the few that are mine to match.  I want a steak!! But mostly I just want to smile at people.  

I'm encouraging Jeremy to get his done,  too. I know it effected him when he started losing noticeable side teeth. Is it effects or affected?? I never know where this words go.  

So. Let's smile 😃 

😃Jeremy present

 I was searching for a "thoughtful gift for Jeremy's birthday and I actually thought I'd something. His football team,  The Texans, had a big game,  a "wild card" game yesterday and i bought him ESPN so he corks watch it.  I cut it close,  I finally got it set up 10 minutes before kickoff 🙂. He really upped the gift game sending me the buck knife! I wanted to get him a reservation for the release of Ozzys last concert but I couldn't figure that out,  it might not be possible,  but this worked.  I do really hate the way we ended and I'm really glad he decided to not let that be the end.  We are still. Will always be.  I doubt I would have been able to make him leave us it hadn't turned into a Family Affair. He knows that,  too. He is happier there but still misses us here BUT he knows that he could come back if he wanted to.  He is too smart to make that mistake.  I talk to him when he is lonely,  make sure he still Feels us here for him. That's all he needed now until he finds a new life there.  Oh, and the Texans won!!! So Win Win 🙂   

Dutch Oven

 I've been trying to clean the dutch oven Riley and I found at the deadly bando,  I might give up and buy one for Jess. My whole body aches and I've only barely got the lid done. Insane.  $50 for a really nice one!! You have to be careful,  some cast iron has BAD compounds in it, a LOT of them!! Click on "WARNINGS" !

I did a little deep cleaning in the kitchen,  too. Jess needs help and I don't see any one but me helping her and I'm sporadic, not always able to do much.  I worked until I puked tonight.  I'm done.  I have to wear blinders or I keep seeing things that I want to get done.  SO MUCH NEEDS DONE HERE!! Repairs,  cleaning,  maintenance.  

Jeanette is very serious about moving in soon.  Maybe at tax time?? And she says she will use her tax return to fix the gas leak here.  I also have a disconnect for about $800 from MUD. It's all just too much!! Sometimes I think Jeremy was right - buying this house wasn't worth it!! Except I'm hoping I leave a home for Jess. A place where she can take care of whoever needs it. Her house. I just need to do a hundred things to make it good for them before I die. Please.  A little more time!!

❤️Kira is 17❣️

 It has just all gone to fast!! The youngest is blue 17!!! Kira is just a Beautiful Young Woman.   I am so over the top proud of her.  

Jeremy gift

 Jeremy sent me a beautiful tiny Buck knife.  I have bemoaned losing mine for years! This one is much slimmer,  way cooler! 

It's helped make a couple of crappy days seem a little better.  

I had a dentist appointment today.  Got my crowns and my upper partials.  Those have improved Greatly since I last got a set! I might actually be able to use these.  I really like this dentist.  I guess I should learn her name.... 

Addie

 Addie is funny,  brash, outspoken and smart. Everything that I wanted to be at her age! and was when I was 15. Then I started falling off the deep end at 16.  I don't want that for her!! I hope she is smarter than me!! I think she is. I want her to bloom, not blow up! 

Addie is absolutely adorable but,  oh no,  she also has that undertone of sadness that I had growing up.  Mine was loss of my father,  loss of family structure,  and severe abuse.  What is hers exactly? I don't want hers to be/am afraid hers could be too similar.  This is where I hope that Addie being smarter than me will save her.  Intelligence,  God, the wind,  something has to guide her to go in better directions than I did.  I survived.  Barely.  By intelligence,  God, the wind,  I dont know why I survived but I want her to do more than Survive.  I want her to overcome that sadness,  beat the hell out of it.  Figure out how to turn it into pure Joy that begets Joy. I suffered delusions of grandeur that made me believe that I could/would overcome it all, that I WAS overcoming it all. That I was secretly headed for Greatness. I didn't even realize that I was lost until I was 30, and still believed I could make the course corrections on my own until I was 40, only to have it all come crashing down.  Definitely not the life I want for Addie or anyone.  What could have changed it all? I still don't know but I wish I could do it for Addie. How can you give direction to a path you still don't even see? I pray Addie has the sanity that I didn't and don't have.  My path was insanity,  right? I should surely know that truth by now! . ? . The blind can lead the blind if they remember the number of steps to the Walls. Or is that just blind faith? Still delusion? No. Yea, maybe not me.  I won't be here long enough for it to be me.  Lindsey? I tell myself that I could have helped her avoid the quicksand if I could have at least been near her growing up.  Would fervently pray every night that she remembered those first 5 years when I was actually guiding her correctly. But that was forgotten because it wasn't enough.  Wasn't big enough to overcome her Great Sadness. I always Knew Lindsey would come back to me when she could.  And she did! even though she says she doesn't remember that first 5 years.  I believe and regret that I wasn't enough when she did return.  I had so many of them lost or being lost by then! I failed her.  Do over? Yes.  This was a moment that I definitely wish I had a Do Over for!! Could I have dropped everyone else,  if I had dropped everyone else,  could I have made a difference for her? Would I then be crying now for losing the others? Lindsey slipped through my fingers and was gone from me again until she was an adult.  But.  She is Here Now.  And MAYBE, maybe,  if I can help Lindsey now,  maybe SHE can help Addie. That's the way this goes.  ? . Good grief.

And what the hell does that expression even mean?

❤️ Lindsey, Addie & Annabella visit

 We had a nice visit, they were here a couple of hours today.  Addie is going back to Max tomorrow but she is supposed to be back for spring break when, hopefully,  it won't be freezing outside and we can actually Do Something.

I do love seeing Lindsey.  I hope we never have a break again! I should Not let the last one happen.  That was so very much on Me. I will reach out to her if we have a problem again like I should have last time.  I don't miss the other one who is gone but Lindsey is just so very precious! We are alike in that we lash out when we are hurt and I,  being Grandma,  am responsible for fixing it when one of us gets hurt and lashes out like we do.  

Jeremy

 He wrote that he listens to the Black Sabbath song differently,  had a better understanding of it because he had experienced it.  It's a really sad song.  Amc I'm not sure what he means by it bothering him now.  I thought he got what he wanted and that was all that mattered to him?? 

Lindsey

 Did I mention that one of my favorite parts of this Christmas was seeing Lindsey? A at least Jeremy wasn't Any Part of that disconnect! and honestly,  I seriously doubt that he could have been. Lindsey would have never been like Jessalynn and Jess were!! I just KNOW that.  No.  The break with Lindsey was all between her and me. And Jami. If it was any one's fault it was mine.  It wasn't about who I believed the meth belonged to at the time. I knew that they both did meth. I was working with who would be hurt the most by the police believing that it was theirs.  Jami would very likely end up with a lot of jail or even prison time.  Lindsey was going to get probation at the worst and,  as I have said before,  I believed that Probation would be good for Lindsey,  her children,  and even Jake.  I felt like I had been helplessly watching Lindsey spin out of control the last year and I thought that Probation, forced drug testing and accountability,  would force her to show down.  She definitely didn't want Jake to believe that she had been doing drugs and I thought that would be a big part of what would make her not slip up on the probation.  BUT since then I believe that I overheard something that makes me believe that the meth in the car that night was Jami's and,  Knowing,  I've been rethinking the whole mess. Would knowing for sure have made me do things any differently? Maybe not overall,  I might still have held the idea Lindsey needed a BIG wake up call like Probation First. I very likely would have. BUT I think I would have tried harder to speak to Lindsey,  tell her in person Why, and I definitely would have told Jami that she needed to thank Lindsey. Like I said at the time,  I could not have made Jami step up and take responsibility even if I knew the meth was hers.  Or thank Lindsey. But I definitely could have thanked Lindsey myself.  Lindsey did not take responsibility to save her mom.  She,  understandably!, (no matter whose it was) tried to say that it was her mother's, but she couldn't prove that so I doubt that mattered. I still don't know exactly what happened when Lindsey went to court but I think she was given some kind of Probation.  Neither of us have brought up this conversation since she came back around but I need to sometime,  mostly so I can apologize to her. Not for not knowing/ believing whose meth it was,  not for not being able to make Jami take the blame,  but I owe her an apology for not going to her. Trying to explain in person.  Just Being There for her even if she didn't want me there. For not figuring out how to follow her court case.  I did write in here that I love and miss her knowing that back then she was looking in here.  But,  no way,  no how,  have I apologized to her for not Being There for her.  I owe her that. 

The overheard tidbit.  One of the first times that Lindsey was back over here,  I was in the living room and Lindsey and Jami were in the dining room and,  I didn't hear the conversation, but I heard Lindsey talking about something that she couldn't do and she said something like,  "and thanks a lot for that,  Mom" and then it sounded like Jami was shushing her. That might not be exactly how it went but I know that, standing there, I Knew that the meth in the car was Jami's.  Lots of little things since this began have made me wonder. Jami over explaining Lindsey's involvement with meth.  Jami reaching out to Lindsey.  

Oh gotta go

My best intentions

I do start most days with the best intentions. Then I don't know what happens. Well,  most of the time Eating followed by that numb can't-do-anything feeling is what happens.  So I decide Not to eat until I get everything done and sometimes that actually works and sometimes that knock out thing still happens.  Eating almost always ends my day.  I will do the Don't Eat thing this week and try to get some things done.  

So it's Jami's birthday

 Jami didn't show up for Christmas or her birthday. I'm starting to think maybe she is moving back in with Mike.  Not a great idea for her! but it could be ok for her with Nett and the boys moving in.  She will be leaving her "area" a disaster again but,  well, she always has.  It looks like she has done some more work on building her little shed. ??  Dave tried to tell her there was no way she would ever live in it but she keeps on building.  She should have got a job and invested in one of those tiny homes if she wants to live out back here.  That's Jeanette's plan.  We could fit 2 or 3 in the back yard especially if we take down the trampoline.  

Oh and the basement drain still doesn't work AND the washer doesn't spin after the wash cycle so add those repairs to what we need here.  It's pretty overwhelming!! The gas leak, back taxes, basement drain, the washer and then a dozen "little" things that need done - like finishing the bottom step to the deck!!

But also I do love our home here. I love sitting out back on the deck.  I am there right now.  It feels safer than any where we have lived for years. Peaceful. Sometimes we are blessed to see deer or foxes from the little woods across the street. Kira flipped out one night when she saw 2 deer in the neighbor's back yard.  I was a little surprised at how huge they looked! I hope we can fix this place and keep it.  Even if the house falls down,  keep this land. It's a fairly large property.  The main downside is how busy Curtis Avenue is.  People speeding thru. I'm surprised and thankful that we haven't lost a pet to the street! 

Well, Jami has a little pile of gifts here if/when she shows up. She told Jess that I haven't been speaking to her - and I haven't missed a single text or call from her.  I texted asking where she was on Christmas and she answered that she was at King Cong having a free Christmas burger.  That is hardly not speaking to her. No. We all know what this is.  If she is with Mike,  ot just gone like this with anyone,  she's in a Meth cloud,  might say or do anything. I do HATE the whole meth thing! I really am going to Crack down on the meth in this house at least.  Jeremy sent me a test kit and I've cleaned 4 spots in the basement to test like he did before.  It's a little unbelievable that I have to deal with this at all!!! A positive test anywhere down there will be the last of it. I hate forcing Jami out but we just can't keep being a meth den. I hope things don't end like that.  If any one smells meth down there again I'm not giving any warning - I'm just going to call the police on whoever is down there at the time.  

And WHAT IS the big thrill of Meth addiction?? I've tried it.  I wouldn't give up anything to have Meth in my life.  Jeremy and I had some fun messing with meth or cocaine but never wanted to Keep Doing It. Wouldn't it just get to be boring?? Not to mention watching your body go to hell.  All meth users I know look alike. Nothing attractive at all!! I remember once Jami taking me with her to see some of her women friends that I knew and I was just shocked!! They all looked so OLD and used that I wouldn't have recognized Any of them if I ran into them on my own.  Then I looked at Jami sitting next to me and realized she looked like them,  too, but I hadn't noticed because I see her all the time.  And maybe a little that I kind of see her thru rose colored glasses. Still my baby. I watch her and her group.  Jami will tell me one day that Breezy is a piece of crap, don't talk to her any more! and then the next day she posts "Best Friends Forever" with a picture of Breezy and her!! They all rip each other off, cheat each other, then make up whenever whoever has some meth - I don't know but it is insane.  It's METH. 

Christmas 2025

 Not sure why I suddenly got depressed today? I usually find this whole season depressing.  

The day got better. Not wonderful but not bad. A general good feeling 🙂. I took Nett and the boys the things we had for them.  I think they were all good with what we could do this year. These kids have grown up a lot and they are all pretty awesome humans!! I gave Jess the shirt Jazz helped me decide on for her,  "You guys must be exhausted watching me do everything!" 🤣 Jess is a little worried Jami might not find it as funny (and true!) as the rest of us but she accepted it well.  Like the color,  too 🫠. I also gave her a set of wireless ear buds like almost everyone else has.  She likes to listen to her shows,  especially "Passions"! while she slaves in the kitchen.  I should have got Jeanette one,  too, for over there but it might not be as well received there.  Jazz replaced my hair dryer that Shy borrowed right after I got it.  I found a pink ice scraper for Kira's car. Little things.  Maybe try to save to fix the gas leak!! And pay the back taxes!!

I'm putting off seriously talking to Jess about Nett moving in.  For real now.  We HAVE to do it for either of us to make it in this world.   Robby will be the main issue.  I know Jess is scared of both of the boys and the damage they might do as well as the stress level they cause around them.  Robby should get out on his own ASAP. I really think Jeanette and I can handle Riley. BUT this is going to be VERY HARD  on Jess,  especially at first.  She hates change.  I don't so much but I have seen this as an upcoming reality all along.  This house is for my daughters.  Jeanette has NO issue with Jess running the household - she even intends to help me pay Jess for all she does.  I give her $100 to $200 to spend every month but it is very hard to get her to spend any of it on herself.  Jeanette will be better than I am at getting Jess whatever she needs. It IS still the dream to have 1 to 4 tiny homes!!! I think Jess would LOVE  having her own little place in a plot of land with us having a few homes.  I'd want Jess to get a fancy one like what Elon Musk sells!!

I have a lot of ideas to sell Jess but first I have to help her accept the combining of our households.  

🤞🤞🙏🙏🫶🫶🫶🫶

A beautiful Night

 It's a beautiful night.  Clear sky,  not too cold. Beautiful.  Christmas shopping by phone but at least I'm Christmas shopping.  We went to Ollie's today and found pretty much nothing.  Blue is Amazon and Walmart ordering.  

And it's kind of a beautiful life.  Yes,  I get sick easily and often have trouble breathing and there is that whole Fall Out thing that happens every afternoon - but there are really nice things,  too. Kira is super sweet when she wants to be,  Jess is all about everyone except herself, Jazz is fun to be around and so are Jami and Lindsey.  Jeanette is fun, too, but she is also a natural Teacher, which I and everyone need! And Jeanette's children are all a very loving lot, they make your heart feel good.  They are all my world and that if pretty damn awesome.  

🫨Jess going to a Party!!

 It's true,  Jess is going to a party that Kyla is throwing for their old group!! Dawn is picking her up in about 10 minutes and I will be in stand by to pick her up from there.  It's way out in Valley,  probably take me a half hour to get there, so I'm hoping to find a place to hang out and wait for  her call.  I really hope she lasts more than an hour!! Besides her normal anxiety she is worried because everyone except her will be drinking alcohol.  Jess baked one of her special cakes for this party,  a new one she hasn't tried before so that was a lot of stress! So she made 2 of these 3 layer cakes so she could talky the best one and, yummy!, we get the rejected cake.  😃 I was afraid she would bail but she if going thru with it.  

I hope she had a blast! ❤️❤️🤞🤞🤞

Sell this house??

 I used to dream about winning the lottery or something and buying a block of land and putting houses all around the block for the family with a huge shared back yard for a big garden and our dogs.  Well, Jeanette and I have been talking about doing something like that.  These new Tiny Homes going up everywhere might make that doable!! What if we could sell this house and buy a little land and 4 or 5 tiny homes for all of us?? One for Jeanette,  Jami,  Jess, and me with a spare for whatever of the kids that need it?? You can buy a Tiny Home for as little as $800 (Walmart) up to the fully loaded $8,000 Elon Musk Tiny Homes. I really worry about Jess and Jeanette being able to keep up this place after I'm gone AND I worry about the growing cost of repairing this house. Right now I need about $1,000 to replace the leaking natural gas pipe and there are a lot of "little things" that can turn into Big Things if we don't fix them soon.  The AC is currently rigged to work. The basement drain barely works. The wood around the back door is rotting. The deck, too! The whole house is off Kilter supposedly from the house getting pushed back from the street that supposedly was fixed before we moved in.  It was all newly carpeted and we can feel places in the floor that are weak under that new carpet.  Yea, we might have problems selling it!! But WE bought it so someone else might,  too, right?? I doubt they would pay what we did! but we Had To buy a home quickly for the "spend down" so we just paid the asking price without hardly any questions.  We paid $180,00 and it is listed as worth about $150,000. 

I want to at least look at doing this and making that old dream come true!!!  Really,  I would day dream about this but Never thought it could come true.  It was just a fantasy that I loved so I would often go through it in my head to fall asleep at night.  

I don't have a lot of time to see this through but even if I don't see it to completion I would love to have it in motion to where Jeanette could finish getting it done.  Then I can just haunt their little asses in their little houses❣️

Unbelievable

 It was 50 degrees yesterday and it is supposed to be 50 again today! I thought we were supposed to have a harsh winter?! The predictions now are that we are already done with single digit days! It is supposed to get up to an average of 30 degrees or more until March and then the warm up begins.  

I really dislike winter in my old age.  No more building snow forts or sledding for me so what fun is it? We will probably still see more snow and ice but the single digits and below are the worst.  It's funny that there are plants that actually need the cold.  Lilacs, garlic,  catnip and more I don't know about.  And the cold is definitely good for keeping the crawling things under control.  So far it has kept the fires ants below mid- America.  I don't miss those!!

Jeremy called yesterday.  It is nice to hear him once in a while.  But he says he is So Bored and wants to come visit when he can afford it.  I did the math and I think that would cost him about$100 in gas round trip.  I'm a little surprised that he's bored all of the time even tho he is living in Small Town Oklahoma.  The last years that he was here he never wanted to do Anything.  But he WAS miserable and at least he's not like that any more.  He likes not having the responsibility of this family but I think he just needs to find people his age where he is.  And he needs a good girl friend.  Again,  closer to his age! And he wants to find a job.  Another thing he was never interested in doing here for Years. It will be ok if he does come to visit.  I think Riley would love to see him.  

Ah, my Riley has a new girl.  I really hope this one doesn't crush his heart! Human interactions are really difficult for him.  He wants so very much to trust the people in this world and sadly you just can not most of the time.  He is always surprised when girl friends and friends do him wrong.  It just kills me just to watch it! He is so very loving and I just don't want the world to beat that out of him but I also want him to trust the world a whole lot less.  

When I drive Riley home from school I go past where Jenise lived and it makes my heart hurt that she is gone.  It's a punch in the gut every time plus the guilt of not seeing her more when she was here.  

Lindsey is here.  I do like having her back.  Her life is a mess that she pretty much created but it's pretty harsh karma. She is living with a mother in law that is pretty outrageous in how she treats Lindsey! A very weird jealousy over Jake and tug of war over Annabella.  Still, she is refreshing to be around.  I just pray that she doesn't decide to start being abusive to her mom again.  Lindsey has been hurt the most by Jami but it's really is useless to pay her back for it.  Jami doesn't understand it but it does cut her deeply.  Jami does understand that she might deserve it but it is enough.  It is senseless to keep hurting her.  Bad juju and all of that.  And Lindsey isn't able to do much better with her own children. I don't know if she is any more aware of that than Jami was. Yes. I want to be in Lindsey's life and help her navigate.  And I will always need her.  I need all of them.  I have 6 out of 9, it could be worse! so I am thankful for the 6 I have.  When my girls were growing up I would fervently pray for the return of Jesus,  the end of the world, so they wouldn't feel the pain of growing up in this world.  I have similar feeling about my grand children but I guess I don't pray like that about anything any more.  Sadly it felt like most of my prayers just bounced back at me off the ceiling.  I didn't FEEL them going any where. I think about the story about the little boy who prayed every night for a bicycle and never got one.  When he was asked how he felt that about God never answering his prayer he said "God Did Answer. He just said 'No'". Yes, I've felt like some prayers were answered but I always felt like He only answered the ones He CHOSE TO.  Then I say what is the use of praying? And then I feel guilty.  That whole lack of faith thing.  

*sigh*

Bad Dreams

 Been having quite a few lately.  I wonder if it is because I am so physically and mentally inactive? And Emotionally.  I just don't have opportunity to Feel much of anything any more.  Maybe?? I'm old.  It's winter. I feel fear when I can't breathe.  I feel love for the family. Very little hated,  anger,  frustration,  impatience, hopelessness, exuberation, or joy.  Blaaa. I feel very ill a lot of the time.  Maybe that blunts some feelings?? I feel physical pain but I'm pretty used to that. I sometimes feel but avoid emotional pain.  I still remember the first time I absolution couldn't find a Happy Place any where in my mind.  It was in Texas, the day Herbert and I fought over how he treated Jami. It terrified me.  I still go there once in a while.  Thinking of Jessalynn can take me there if I let it. And,  sometimes,  when I Don't let it.  It is still a terrifying mental Place to be. I'd hate to die there! Do I have bad dreams just to FEEL some times?  They are often about being married.  A Steve/Jeremy amalgam.  They blend and interchange. I can miss them both and be very glad that I am with neither.   I am definitely happier without them but never meant to end up alone. 

Maybe a little Christmas?

 I've let Jess order some gifts for the girls and I'm thinking about doing more and especially I'd like to get my daughters gifts this year.  I'll be spending some of the money I've been trying to save to fix the gas leak but I Really Want To Do This. 

Winter

Roughly 40 years ago I swore I wouldn't spend another winter up here.  And here I still am.  The winters aren't as harsh as they used to be but I'm less and less able to tolerate them.  And here I still am. I really do hate this! A few years ago I entertained myself building snow forts. That would likely kill me now.  I can't even ferment Why I did it except maybe to prove that I could.  Insanity.  I've always had a touch of that!

Winters on the  Usually I barely left the farm except to go to church.  The first few years Steve was terrified to let me drive.  He said that when he was out driving he would picture my car wrapped around every tree and pole he saw. I didn't do quite that bad,  mostly ran off into ditches,  once off a cliff, never wrapped around anything.  

GARDEN

I made a new blog in here titled Garden 2025. Im hoping anyone who wants to carry on gardening at this house, or start their own after I'm gone, find this page.  

With a jaundiced eye

 That term seems to fit the way I look at future plans,  ideas, hope. On the surface.  I think about next year's garden,  always mentally figuring in that it is unlikely that I will be here to plant one.  Or harvest one if I do get one planted.  It seems more being realistic that being fatalistic. This is fed by my utter amazement that I am still here today! Does any one really plan on living into old age? I know that people make plans for in case they do,  but do some people actually see an expected Old Age? Steve's sister Judy would talk about us all being old together on a porch passing a joint.  It was a joke,  but was it also a future she actually Saw? She's dead now. Steve, Cleo, and I are still alive from the intended porch group.  I'm pretty sure Steve, like me, never really expected to see old age! We looked at his family history and it looked like almost all of the men died "young" except an Uncle Johnny he thought was still alive.  My family history looked equally grim, especially for the males in both families.  But.  I'm still here.  67. When I read that a new medication might have side effects I always consider the timeline now.  Weigh expected time left figuring in medication benefit before the possible side effects might happen. Years ago I stopped using Afrin nasal spray after seeing a Doctors episode showing the long term damage,  what the woman's sinuses looked like after 20 years. I'll be 87 in 20 years!! Doubt anyone is going to be checking my sinus cavities!! Might as well be able to Breathe Through My Nose as longs as I AM here!! It often goes back to a Doug Heffernan quote from King of Queens: "WHATS THE POINT OF LIVING ANOTHER 20 YEARS IF YOU HAVEN'T ENJOYED A SINGLE BITE OF FOOD!?"?? (Dieting)

What's the point.  Is that seeing thru a "jaundiced eye"?? It sounds more like weighing very real different realities!

Survival

 It looks like I'm going to win this battle but I can't keep fooling myself that I Have Time. One of these is going to take me out.  This one very well could have.  Maybe almost did. I'm going to get home oxygen but I know that when you have to have that it actually weakens you in the long run.  It there is a long run.  I have to "get my affairs in order", legalize the plan to keep my girls alive here.  Maybe protect myself more from these killer viruses! Go back to wearing masks.  Learn to type. Seriously.  I back up and fix almost every sentence! Yes, Quit Smoking. That one doesn't get easier.  I think how miserable I have been trying and picture dying that miserable.  Living that miserable.  But I will. My Jess is so lost even with me here! 

I might need to see a Dr still to get as well as I can but I'm winning this round.  

Jess

 I just found Jess standing in the dark in the dining room crying.  She says it's just stress,  just silly,  don't worry. It's NOT " just stress" for her! Stress is a whole different word for Jess 💔😪. She feels pain so much more acutely than the rest of us.  Always has.  That's why I would drive 20 miles in the middle of the night to find a Little Pony she dropped,  knowing she would cry all night worrying that it was out in the cold.  Not just stress. Distress. That's where Jess goes and it just breaks my heart.  

Better

 Last night I feel asleep fairly sure that I would wake up again and today I feel BETTER. Haven't had a almost pass out event once today and I have been up doing Everything.  The way I tend to do.  Decided to try to seal the back door better (winterize) so I went to my room to look for the seals I bought.  They weren't in the shelf I checked but it looked dirty so I went to the kitchen to wet a rag to clean it.  I decided to check the dishwasher filters while I was there and they were GROSS so I took the dishwasher apart,  completely apart! to clean it.  I read the CLR label to see if I could use it and then remembered the rust stain where the old mall box was on the siding outside so I found a sponge and gloves to try to clean it.  Maybe should try that when it is above freezing outside!! Back to the dishwasher. Tried to talk to Jess about keeping it clean but she blew me off like she always does about things like that.  Or like how to efficiently run the dishwasher. Whatever. After I die they will all be sick all of the time from the mold.... Now I'm taking a break and going back to looking for the door seals...

I feel BETTER.

Sick, Scared, Cant take a breath

 I HATE being sick!! Why am I not me careful around these kids carrying the black plagues???? This might kill me.  If not this one another one is going to be what takes me out. Last night I only slept long enough to dream that I was shut in a coffin buried in a cement box. I was running out of oxygen, panting, pushing and clawing at the coffin lid. I woke up gasping for air. If I walk to the bathroom or the kitchen I end up panting and blowing,  my lungs feel tiny and tight and I might faint.  I have to do where I stand and wait until I can breathe again to get back to my room.  This SUCKS. Coughing and spitting all day and night so I can't sleep and when I finally do i dream THAT. My heart feels like it is pounding so I keep taking metoprolol.  

Tempura party

 Jenise,  Phillip,  Elliot,  Jeanette,  Robby,  and Riley are gathered here for tempura 😄😄😄! It's been a hellova prep but we finally have it going.  I haven't had much baby time because I've been doing prep etc. But I love,  LOVE, that they are all here with us!! Jess, Jami, and I are home,  too. Kira is still stuck in Minnesota and I think Jazz went out???. Well, even if she was here she wouldn't join in.  Bugs the crap or out me but her mom is ok with it.  

Ok. Back to it!!! ❤️❤️❤️

Oh I don't understand how tonight ended! One,  Robby ended up very angry in a terrible mood. Phillip said he was slamming things around etc. I know he wanted Jeanette to hurry up and leave but she was having a good time and wasnt going to be bullied.  I asked Riley What Robby was rushing home to and he shrugged and said,  Nothing.  I don't know any reason he wants to be at home.  There is Nothing there to do.  Then it was getting late,  and around 10 Jami said that she was full and that I could start cooking the chicken and she went downstairs. I did and I also cooked the plate of food to freeze for Kira when she got home.  Then when it was all almost done Jami came back up and took almost ALL of the tempura on the racks,  piling it on a plate.  I yelled,  What are you doing? You said that you were DONE. And she kept taking food saying that she was getting more before it was contaminated by the chicken. I told her it was all for Kira but Jami still took it and went back downstairs!!!! I was too  tired to cook It again!! WTF?? Then at midnight Jami was leaving,  taking a cab?! to go see TOBY!? (Mike?!) and said that she was coming back in a couple of hours.  I said It's MIDNIGHT! Every one here is tired and going to bed!! and she just said,  "Well, I'm NOT spending the night! I'll be back in a couple of hours" and walked out the door - probably with Kira's dinner in her bag for whoever she was going to visit for a couple of hours in the middle of the night! BS. We are not waiting up or getting up to let her in (and whoever might be with her!) or leaving the house unlocked when Who Knows when she will be back!! and we have a 6 week or baby in the living room!!!!!! TOTAL CRAP. Jess says lock her out. 

Thanksgiving night

 It is a beautifully clear night.  The stars we see from the city are shining bright. I hear geese flying over.  

Jeanette,  Robby and Riley joined us for dinner.  Jess worked all week to plan and cook dinner but didn't join us to eat.  Neither did Jazz. I have no clue why Jess lets Jazz do things like that except that maybe it's just because she herself does things like that.  Sometimes I worry that she is making Jazz more like her somehow, but that is crazy thinking,  right? 

Dinner was beautiful with everyone talking,  sharing stories,  ideas, and humor.  Riley was quieter than usual but he was pretty sick.  Jami joined us and joined into everything going on.  Robby was lively and fun. He also helped me clear the extra furniture out of the living room.  😄 I hope it makes Jess happier but she thinks I only did it because Jenise and Phillip might visit this weekend.  I told her that was ridiculous.  That stuff has been piled in the living room when others have visited and I didn't get that room cleared.  I physically couldn't do it myself so it's been really upsetting when Jess would complain about it.  I just felt helpless.  But I thought about having the boys help me when they all came over.  I'm glad, too, that it is finally done! There are still things in there that need moved but I can move them,  they aren't heavy,  except the books, and I still hope to find a good book case for what is left of my book collection.  I had hundreds of books but they have been lost over the years.  Left in boxes without bookshelves for them and then getting wet in a basement or left behind when we were moving until I have a very small collection.  I'm going to leave them stacked where they are. This is my last home.  I Will get them a bookshelf!! An it will be nice to have a little extra room when Jenise,  Phillip and Elliot visit! 

 The food tonight was all amazing! Well,  if of the desserts Jeanette made was a bit of a fail.  It was something she saw on tick tock and that's always a little risky to try! Robby even made a really good banana pie.  Jess's turkey was the best I have ever had. I was worried when I saw that she put a lemon inside of it before baking it but I didn't taste lemon at all.  Just an very tasty and juicy turkey! Jeanette and I ate until we were both going cross eyed.  Literally.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Med Check

 I finished 7 days of penicillin after my tooth extraction,  then I took 7 days of doxycycline I got from Nett, finished that 2 days ago.  I took a diflucan 2 days ago,  symptoms cleared but were returning last night so I took the second diflucan 9/26/25. 

Oh, I also saw Dr. Gold yesterday and he treated my knee with sarapin injections!! I am very hopeful that it will help.  Sarapin is derived from a carnivorous plant.  What could go wrong?? It is a nerve block,  maybe from a compound in the plant that keeps the insects in their trap?? It doesn't exactly have FDA approval but there are ways to get some insurance to cover it.  Mine should be covered - I'm pretty sure Dr. Gold made sure of that before doing it.??

Readers in Alaska

 I'd love to know about you.  

Creepy foggy night 🥺

 I miss Jenise. And Kira.  I want everyone closer when I'm scared. Jazzy is still at work. Just Jesd and me home. 

Jeremy called last night after seeing that I was attacked in the free Thanksgiving Dinner line Friday. It was sweet.  The call,  not the attack! I am ordering some mace and a tazer ASSP but I got Really Bad news today.  I got turned down for the loan to fix the house had pipe 😭. I don't invite what we are going to do! Maybe we'll just blow up.  I'm going to try to get something foot these cars here.  I fixed the Malibu issue with the locks making the battery die, I found and removed that fuse. I just need titles to junk or sell them. I think I could sell the Malibu.  Maybe get the $1,000 to fix the leak but I was stunned that I couldn't get a little $2500  loan with Jeanette co-signing and OWNING A HOUSE. 

Jenise gone 😭

 But she just face timed 😁 and it does look like they have a nice set up there.  They are coming next weekend and I will go there 2 weeks after to see them.  I just have to figure out Gabby. They already have animal problems there  - Jamie's dogs don't like their cats! and Gabby has to go where i go so we'll see. I might have to wait until I can rent a hotel there.  But I'm going to go see them ASAP. 

Put the garden to bed

 And now we are having a proper thunder storm. This should water in the asparagus and strawberries that I transplanted yesterday.  😄 Ok. It's really pouring!! It might end up washing it all away!! 

Wow. This is awesome.  I'm glad i got the big dead branch pulled down from the tree out front!

Crap. I still need to clean the gutters!!

THE FARM

 Jess, Jeanette and I drove out to our old farm yesterday.  It felt surreal the minute we passed thru Missouri Valley.  I started getting bombarded with memories already.  When Mike and Terri came to visit I put up balloons to guide them starting from Missouri Valley.  I thought about Steve driving this distance every day to get to work and back. The dog "Spinner" that always ran out to his mail box and circled like he was chasing his tail as you went by. The place where I lost control of the car and spun out with Herbert in there car.  Magnolia was completely different.  Bigger maybe. All the way to the farm the streets now have real names! We turned off the paved road and passed the Garcelon place,  the place where badgers used to live.  The turn to go to John Henry's farm. The Klinkenbeard Farm and the Meek place across the road.  Our nearest neighbors a mile away. That last deadly S curve where I hit the mailman head on.  Then we got there, where you can either turn left into the farm or go down and impossibly steep hill, Peanut Hill. Herbert and me sliding down that hill on air mattresses in the snow.  The two grain silos were still by the road. We parked between where the house and garden were.  The main well was there looking dangerously out of use. We stood there trying to get our bearings, asking each other what was where.  Because everything else was gone.  The house, a long car port for tractors, two big barns, the chicken coop, the pig shed,  the white picket fence. No sign any of it was ever there.  Maybe we would have figured out where the cherry and apple trees were if there were any leaves left on the trees,  maybe we'll return one more time next spring? But the pond behind the house was there still. Where we I've slayed in our shoes.  Jess checked and said the tadpoles are still there 🙂. We walked back towards where "Bonzeehead" (a cow skull on a tree stump) but the land was completely different.  Some of it changed by man but most of it looked like natural changes.  So many things looked smaller.  The hill behind the house that the girls sled on looked half as big and that area didn't look eroded. All of us just somehow remember it much,  much bigger. The two silos out front.  I remember going outside and seeing that the girls had climbed them,  like little dots way up at the top and I couldn't breathe seeing them,  terrified they would fall off I called out to them,  just standing there frozen until they were down.  Surely those are different silos?? They are barely two stories high!! In my memory,  in their memories,  they were about four stories high!! They might ferment wrong because the were so little,  3 and 4 years old! but I haven't grown. Was I just so scared that I ferment them taller?? We stood where our house was.  Not even a dent that showed we had a basement.  I felt a deep grief. I told the girls that I felt like we had been erased and they understood.  Agreed. The was a short piece of wood, looked like a 10 × 10 stud, and half a brick. Nothing else where our house and a thousand memories were. In the back of my mind I have often thought that we could head here if there was a disaster and we had to flee the city.  I figured that the pig barn with the water pump in front would always be here. A place to survive.  No. It's not even land that we know any more.  We left before we were caught out there in the dark.  That absolute darkness city people never know.  I was still shook up from it when I got this message from Jeanette - 

"Seeing that today had to of made you feel like a badass. Like everything was hard, harder than it is now and you still did the most with everything."

And she put this on Facebook-

"As I get older I have so much compassion for my parents and appreciation for the childhood they provided. They made every struggle feel like an adventure while carrying and enduring every trauma they experienced without support systems and resources to help them. 

I didn’t know the difference between when we had less or when we had more because everything that truly mattered was always there. 

I do not have the same energy and I wish I did. My children always know when I’m stressed or struggling. However, I think I’ve at least succeeded in making them feel loved no matter what the conditions are. I guess that’s something ❤️

The house that built me is gone but the land is still there 🤗"

And POOF! We were Not ERASED!!!

Aurora Boreallis 😁

 Jess got me up to see the northern lights last night!! They weren't quite as beautiful as the only other time I've seen them,  on the farm over 30 years ago!! The colors weren't swirling or as varried but still amazing.  For some reason Jeanette says she couldn't see them from her home or from where she works - I think they should have been really bright from where she works!! We might get another showing tonight - maybe she'll see that?? There should also be a meteor shower tonight.  The last time I drove the field up into the Loess Hills to see that they didn't have their glasses and couldn't see anything.  😕 Maybe we can all go and see that tonight. 

Winter Prep

 Ok. I don't admit defeat but I am feeling lost about fixing the deck. The more I look the more needs replaced. I almost think I'll have to just rebuilt the steps completely.  No Clue how to get the rotted pieces off and out.  How to even get the braces off to use as a pattern to cut the new pieces.  Someone went crazy with the screws and nails holding it in place.  I definitely could use a sledge hammer and then someone strong enough to swing it.  OR just build the 2 steps any bolt them in place. What a world What a world. 

Jess raked leaves that I am moving to mulch the garden area.  I still need to dig the place for asparagus and strawberries out from under the girls windows. Cut back the grape vines and hope some are pencil thick to start new vines.  Take down Jami's watermelon bed.  Maybe dig my garden bed another foot or two into the yard so I can leave a blank row between our garden and the neighbor's.  Marigolds there?? Something nonedible since she mentioned using poison for her weeds. I have a dozen or so carrots still in the ground.  I also need to find 3 pallets for my compost heap. The trash can isn't working out  - I can't turn it and it's over full. My flowering plants are protected the best I can do with what I have.  I need more bubble wrap and blankets foot the baby Apple tree. Then we wait and see what we have in the spring.  

🤞🙏

2025 Second Summer

 I do wonder why this used to be called an "Indian Summer"? Whatever we call it,  I do love it but hate that it means it's The End of Summer.  The last gasp.  Then the death of winter. Yes,  until the rebirth in spring,  but how many springs am I still going to see? I don't know.  Maybe the next one.  I never expected to see this winter. 

Our Lindsey has been around some.  Sometimes it can feel like Old Times.  Funny there can be that timelessness with her like with her mother. And when the three of us experience it together it can be priceless.  Like what my brothers and I had.  Priceless.  

Holding Elliot

 This was written a few weeks ago but published here.  I did something wrong.  .

Last night Jazz, Kira and I went and visited Elliot and I finally got to hold him💓. What a precious tiny bundle!!!! I felt him merge into me just like Jenise did.  MY Great Grandson. Elliot Kiser Dodson. Jenise pumped a bottle for him and I got to feed him until he fell asleep.  🥰 

It was absolutely beautiful to see Jenise and Phillip so happy and proud.  Watching Phillip hold him and talk about him just gives me goosebumps. His love and pride rings out like church bells in the morning,  clear and beautiful.  And the love between Jenise and Phillip feels like God smiling.  I hope they can hold that forever.  

Today I'm taking Jessica to see him.  She didn't want to go with all of us last night because she didn't want that much competition for holding time.  It might have been a fight! I barely let Kira hold him who, by the way,  held him perfectly.  She is much more in tune with human babies than the cats and dogs!! 

I can't wait to go back and visit them again. 

The Scion 😃

 It is a hatchback!! Awesome!! I can still haul some things with it,  it gets amazing had mileage,  it runs great,  PERFECT.

So far.

Nightmare - Larry

 Up in the middle of the night after the weirdest,  real feeling nightmare. I was with Larry Wells. I had left traveling with him after some kind of problems at home.  I was nervous to be with him.  I was always a little afraid of Larry with the way he stalked me all my life and the stories,  theories,  that he killed his first wife after he met me.  Stories HE kind of told me,  too. I don't know,  was afraid to wonder WHY he told me.  So,  we were traveling together and we were at a lake area near an airport we stopped at in another country,  walking and chatting,  and he turned to me and his eyes were different,  terrifying, and he grabbed me and pinned me to the ground.  I should mention somewhere that we were the age we were when we met in this dream. (20's). I knew that I was about to die.  Still,  we went back into the airport and I was scanning the few people around looking for help when I bumped into a young man and whispered that I was about to be killed.  He whisked me away from Larry into a big room full of mostly couples. I asked if we were safe and he said that the room was secured and not to worry,  everyone one in there was full of heroin. I asked if he had any and he laughed and pulled me to the floor with him and passed out laying across my right shoulder.  I was still terrified,  kept looking at the several doors to the room  afraid Larry would find me, and a little afraid that the guy on my shoulder was dead,  overdosed. It looked like everyone in the room was OUT - who could protect me? I woke up a little, still feeling the guy laying on me for a few minutes, until I was fully awake.  I got out of bed so I wouldn't fall back asleep into that nightmare.  I looked for Larry on FB. Saw that he died 13 months ago!!! I left a nice message on his FB. 

Maybe I'll stop being haunted by him. Rest in peace,  Larry... I'm finally free now except for the nightmares...

Afterthought: Im still feeling the fear from this dream.  The Larry story was all so very real.  Hehe was arrested after his wife was murdered and hired Racehorse Haynes to defend him.  Racehorse was the famous attorney from the book/movie Blood and Money and Larry was,  obviously well off to be able to afford that defense team.  I was only 18 years old when I met Larry,  still pretty naive in some ways,  but I knew to be careful how I rebuffed him even from the beginning.  No one used the term "stalking" yet, I had no word for what was going on,  but that would definitely be the word for it now.  Larry showed up every where I lived or worked,  maybe he had detectives? Houston is a huge city,  I should have been about to hide.  Whenever I was in any kind of trouble he would show up but I only remember actually calling him and asking for help once.  I was arrested in the NASA area on my Honda 350 with my Harris County jail friend,  Linda Halverson, riding on back.  I don't even remember the charges but I called Larry for help.  He said that he would come and get us both out if I would bartend at a party he was throwing. I agreed. He bought me a silk, vertical striped vest and black pants for the party. I don't remember any of the bartending, all I remember is him showing me a room with a naked girl tied to a bed who he said had been there for 3 days. I think her name was Pat?? It never even crossed my mind to report what I saw.  I'm sorry but also that girl actually stayed around later after he let her go. She was obviously trying to use him for his money,  that's probably how he got her to begin with,  so I don't feel too terrible now! but I don't remember anything after seeing her there.  No idea what else I saw or experienced that is in that blank space in my memory.  He would show me women he dated,  but usually tied to a bed! But I think he hoped it would make me jealous.  Before the bartending, when I got in BIG trouble,  the Drug Delivery charge,  he showed up at my hearing and I saw him make a deal with my lawyer,  I saw a stack of money change hands. I was sentenced to 7 years probation starting with 30 days in county jail.  (Where I met Linda!) Larry's deal did not include the 30 days. I wonder if the lawyer was still alive after cheating Larry? I'm pretty sure Larry hoped he had finally bought me.  

Moms Eulogy

He 2004 for my mother

Did you really think these things

wouldn't get done

Once you weren't here to do them?

Don't you know that

I'm the one

Who will let you shine

right through them?

"Don't worry about

my lilies anymore!

Not important!" you gasped,

"Let them go"

and then you clapsed

your hand with mine,

We said good by

one last time,

And don't you know?

Your legacy is mine.

Your lilies bloom

and the Koi

circle their roots,

and, yea,

I'll tell you the truth,

We have big worries

and bitter tea,

Seen some long days

since you left me.

But lilies, your lilies,

are very important

to me,

Don't you know

that I'm your legacy?

So those arriving still see

Koi and lilies in the water,

And you, through me,

Your daughter.

Your legacy is safe

with me.

Wow!! She is great-great grandma to Elliot!! 

I miss you, Mom!! Wait for me❣️

(Unless u r already here in our Jenise!)

The Scion

 Meezy and I went and looked at the Toyota Scion yesterday.  He did the test drive and it is an amazing car but it is extremely punchy and fast!! Paco also had a PT Cruiser in the same great condition for sale. Kira decided she wanted the Toy after seeing a picture but I absolutely don't want her to have it after that test drive.  A new driver,  who refused to listen to me when I was trying to teach her how to drive!, absolutely should Not be driving the Toyota AT ALL. And she is flat refusing to have the Cruiser.  She really doesn't seem to understand that I don't at all OWE her a car.  Or that her part of this settlement is only the $2,400 for her pain and suffering.  I did consider taking the Cruiser even though I really want the Scion but, yea, that's actually a terribly idea.  I really believe and am terrified that Kira Will Have an at fault accident before too long unless she slows down and startes caring about me then the music playing in the car.  And she plays it full blast, can't hear anything going on outside of the car!! I can recall at least 2 times recently that I avoided accidents only because I HEARD a car in my blind spot!! I have to be extra careful driving in my old age and she should be extra careful driving at her Young Age. Paco is guaranteeing these cars because he and Meezy are so tight. No One Else is going to GUARANTEE a used car!! But if I won't give Kira the Scion she is not insisting that I but her another car online that won't be guaranteed and might only run for 1 day again!! And Kira really doesn't get it that he part of this money is only the $2,400 for her "suffering". The $6,000 is for My Vehicle that was totaled.  I'm trying to Be Nice and help her buy a good car!! Jess kept asking if Kira realized that so I said it to her last night. It looked like she really hadn't thought about it before and she even weakly tried to argue it.  I SHOULD just but the PT Cruiser and tell her to rant it out leave it.  Or let her try to find a car for $2,400. I really am thinking about telling her she has to pay me back for anything over the $2,400. I know that Jazz wouldn't expect anyone to just give her a thousand dollars to fix a mistake She Made!!! He father is helping her pay