Working It

 I thought about seeing how many times I could use Beatles song lyrics for titles like Greys...

We Can Work It Out. We'll be ironing out little details for a while here but it is working.  I'm trying to keep Jess's scheduled things in order and keep Jeanette from feeling too much like she Had To move home with Mom.  And,  of course,  trying to keep everyone happy with this.  Those are just 2 of the main points to consider. For me? I don't require much any more.  I'm pretty much happy as long as everyone else is.  I wish I had the energy and whatever it takes to just get my own room and belongings sorted here.  That is a huge part of What Needs Done.  But not only do I really hate doing it!, I get sidetracked constantly by immediate things that need done first.  And by a butterfly flitting by. Yea. Easily distracted in my old age.  And still stunned that I am in my old age!! I can't take any credit for me long survival, I shamefully haven't even stopped smoking!! and I'm Here. I eat junk food, don't "work out", and barely talky my medications correctly,  and I am still here.  "Meant To Be". I hear that a lot, believe it,  too. Not much else makes sense! Aneurysm, car crashes, tumors. Still Here. It must be to orchestrate the family.  To "control" them,  as Brandon humirously says. To keep them alive I say. Again, it would be so much easier if I could actually Control them!! 

Oh. Trying to work out something that seems impossible.  Jazz is asking me to take her to a BTS concert.  In Arlington, Texas, in August. I really want to do it for her!! It would be her 18th birthday present.  She NEVER asks me for anything and she certainly never asks to Do anything with me.  Not that I would be her first choice for this!! Probably just her only hope of getting to do it.  But CAN I do this?? Will I even still be alive in August? And able to walk into and sit thru a concert?? Let alone able to get us to Texas!! 

I want to do this.

Where is Jami

 I don't even know where she is anymore.  That's mostly my fault.  Yes, she was shitty, took the cord and remote to the TV and ran from me,  and various other BS, but she is still my daughter. I still love her. Maybe I just love the idea,  the memory,  of who she is without drugs.  Maybe she isn't even HER anymore.  It is all still just heartbreaking. I have to believe that Jami is more than her addiction.  We miss her wit and intelligence, are incomplete without her,  even as we dread the next bad thing she might do to us.  The thought of her being in pain,  suffering, going without,  being stomped on by the world,  is a deep ache and we Know all of those things happen to her all of the time.  Yes. Usually because she is making terrible choices. That's what she does.  What her addiction does. Does she have a choice any more to Not act the way she does? I'm not sure.  Her reality is incomprehensible to me.  She lies all of the time but most of the time actually believes her lies.  She looks me in the eye and tells me that she had never done anything to hurt me.  I'm remembering a fractured neck and broken nose but I see nothing in her eyes except for her wanting me to see that truth. Her truth. 5 years ago I realized that Jami really cannot separate her truths from lies because they all can become true to her. That was a devastating shock to realize.  To know that there will never be a Moment of Realization because she has a concrete flawed reality. I love her. The is all I really know.  I kept her with me hoping I was somehow protecting her,  saving her, until she was Jami again. I couldn't,  can't,  protect her because she is her worst enemy.  But we, I, never stop wanting to protect my family.  Yes, even Jessalynn.  The thought of her literally makes me sick!, but I would still take a bullet for her.  Family. And ALL of us are the family of God. Jesus. What is His pain like watching His family? Unimaginable.  Maybe the pain of this is to realize That. Our family life here on earth is to learn the Family,  the Word, of God. We leave the flock to rescue one lost lamb. Listen. Learn. Then Speak. Our job. Our duty here. 

Jeanette here

 I am loving having Jeanette here 😀💕! I don't invite got our will work out with the boys but hopefully they behave better for Nett here. They will have to. I think having Nett will be good for Jess, get her out of her shell more.  

🤞🤞🤞🙏🙏🙏

Households almost combined

 I believe Jeanette is almost completely moved in.  I fell asleep before the last load but they slept here last night. It will take a little while to get everything organized and settled but this is real now.  

Jeanette really moving in

 It is happening.  There is a nice apartment built in the basement,  much nicer than the one I was planning in my head. Three bedrooms,  a living room,  and a hall way thru it. We will make a little kitchen area in the laundry room.  Justin,  who built the apartment,  also,  miraculously,  fixed the basement drain. We can actually do laundry,  could even hook up 2 washers!! The laundry room is made for 2 washers and 2 dryers but we might not do that to have room for the kitchen.  Jess is very unhappy but she will adjust,  hopefully!! I had to do this it lose this house so she will have to adjust.  And we could still lose the house because I am so far behind on everything.  I don't know but we will at least try to save it. 

We ended up storing Jamis things here for now. Jeanette decided that.  She had to be the one to decide it because it takes up some of her space.  I know Jami had a storage space rented but i also know she is in default there and will lose everything there if she doesn't pay what she owes in the next 10 days or so.  The notice came here and i opened it after we got a couple of letters from this storage place in Council Bluffs. Jeanette sent Jami a copy of it on messenger last week. I do feel scared and sad about Jami.  There are rumors that she is using again and if she is it is almost certain that she will end up dead like Kirk soon. Ive kept her for years, with her acting abominatably!, but now she really is on her own out there.  She turned off her 360 so we don't even know where she is.  I don't at all understand the things she has done or what the hell her plan is out there.  Taking the TV cord and remote the last time she was here,  and driving off with me chasing her to Dave's car!, makes No Sense at all. I am always thinking about,  worrying about, her but have always really been just helpless to help her in Any meaningful way. Give her a place to stay and she will spend all of her time running after her Meth friends and/or dragging them home.  Sneaking them in if we have told her to not bring them into the house.  Ridiculous behavior!! And just SAD. Acting and dressing like she is a rebelling teenager when she is almost 50. People cringe for her but I am just heartbroken for her. 

I didn't mean to go there right now!! Was writing about Nett moving in.  Yes. The is happening.  I still don't have a running car but we will work on that, too. 

Morning Coffee

 I have been feeling terrible for most of the last two weeks. My heart's been skipping beats, my chest feels uncomfortable, and I'm dizzy and just can't do anything. Today I thought to try starting my day with 100% decaffeinated coffee and I have absolutely no bad symptoms. How did I not notice this or think of this sooner?? Maybe I can get a few things done today. I have hardly done anything for the last 2 weeks because most days I felt like I might die. I even made an appointment with cardiology!! And THERE IS SO MUCH I NEED TO GET DONE! 

Here's to a blessed,  productive,  day!!