Forgive.

 I am really trying. When Jami came and took the cord and remote to the TV I wanted to burn her stuff but I did find some forgiveness.  I was planning to put her things outside in a tent today and tell her that she could come get it if she brought the cord and remote back. Then something that she KNOWS is extremely important and precious to me was in with her things.  Herbert's 2 ID's and one of my mother's.  I have looked for those for Years.  This is breaking me.  What kind of person is she???? Do I even know her?? I have said that I lost the Real Jami 40 years ago but I never gave up that the Real Jami was in there.  Maybe if/when she was of of drugs the Real Jami would return.  When I let Jami move back in while Jeremy was moving out, I let her believe that I did it because I needed the support, but it was mostly just to piss Jeremy and his assholes off. She liked feeling like the hero, and there was a truth to what she believed.  Jami would have never stood against me with Jeremy like Jess and her cohorts did. Jami often had had my back and this was a no brainer  because she hates Jeremy.  I hoped "foolishly?) that this would all somehow bring my Jami back.  No. Under that armor she did whatever she wanted here. You name the behavior and it happened. Now THIS.

First I thought about a bonfire during the state burn ban. I thought about the dumpster coming.  I felt terrible things! Things that I knew would damage me more than her and go against everything I believe in.  

Today I am going to put her things outside in a tent over the mess she made trying to build a base for the shed as planned. I don't even care about the TV parts. If she doesn't get it before a storm blows away the tent and everything is ruined, I will ask Jeanette to bring the dumpster back.  That will be my forgiveness.  Forgetting will take much longer.  This feels more cruel then when she broke my neck. More deliberate. More evil.  

We are supposed to Cast Out Evil. 

80s and 90s in March!!

 Oh my!! 

I cleared my garden some.  Planned where to dump the compost barrel out. The back SW corner should work. I have some crates for the sides,  might even make a door that opens to stir and later use what I've made.  I would have a lot of ready compost if I had done that last fall. Oh well. Some of the bottom of it will be ready soon. 

I need a wheel barrel still!!

Lasting change

I haven't recreated,  experienced,  that Joy again, I might not in this life! but I haven't,  won't,  can't!, forget it. I downloaded 2 Bible versions. I've read/listened to Matthew and am now in the Book of John. Maybe Acts next?? I watched The Passion with new passion, grief, and awe. Jeanette sent me an amazing NDE that helped me understand at least the cry, "Why hast thou forsaken me!" Who knows if these NDE experiences flooding YouTube are true? But this one gave the best theory on Why would anyone choose this life? She was talking about the choice to reincarnate into situations. but it made me think of Jesus choosing, volunteering to die for us, and then asking if the cup could be removed. She said that in the loving, wonderful,  environment of where we choose from, Heaven?, in that space it is not possible to even comprehend the pain here. We look and say, OK, I can handle that! and then when we are here we have to remind ourselves over and over that God will not test us beyond our endurance!! I have questioned this several times, sure that I was beyond endurance! but I am still here. Could this have applied to Jesus?? It seems like it must.  It clarifies the Garden of Gesethame and The Crusifixation. 

Last night

 I have to count last night as one of the best best,  if not the best, night of my life.  The dream. The dream that Jesus was alive and here.   I fell back asleep several times and went right back into it.  The first time I woke up I thought it was real,  I was so full of joy - I  don't know if I've ever felt Joy like that before.  My faith has been Shakey for years. I think of Phineas in A Separate Peace, "...and pray every night in case there is a God". But in this dream it wasn't possible to doubt! I was sad for a minute to realize that I had been dreaming but still excited that I had actually had a dream like that. Had Faith like that in a dream.  Had a dream that left me full of Joy. Then I feel back asleep and was right back in it.  There were demons skittering all around and I said, "Satan! Get Thee Behind Me" and I stood there in delighted amazement that they ran away! But this time I was faced with a terrifying man possessed by demons ant I forced myself to approach and lay my hand on his face and yell "In the name of JESUS CHRIST leave this man!" and the demons came screaming out of him. Then I knew,  it felt like the whole world knew,  that Jesus was King and He was about to return.  Hallelujah!! I woke again, and went through the grief that it wasn't real again, but I closed my eyes hoping to go back to that reality and I was right back there.  

I don't remember all of the details of these dreams. I know the first one started with being raised to the ceiling of a 3 story room, looking down, a little scared but mostly amazed that it was happening.  When I was lowered into the demonic chaos and started using Bible verses to control it I knew that I was living a miracle.  I remember that Mike was with me in it the 3rd or 4th time I fell back asleep and we were both filled with that Joy and Wonder. The last time I woke I knew that it was over but I laid here trying to hang  onto the beauty of it as long as I could but it just stayed with me all day. 

Then I had a really bad experience.  My hands started burning. First I thought I had burned my fingertips getting a tortilla out of the air fryer but then the burning spread to all of my fingers including the back of my right hand. I was going to go to the ER but I googled it and realized that an ER wouldn't,  couldn't,  help me. It reminded me of after THE van wreck, Jeremy laying there with a broken neck screaming that his hands were on fire. How the neurologist told us that was his spinal cord firing through his fingers because his spinal cord was dying.  Nerve pain. I have a tub of ice water to dip my hands in. I have a wet pair of gloves I wear when I'm not writing/texting. 

It just occurred to me. Could my hands have anything to do with what I dreamed all night? 

Could it??

In the name of Jesus Christ

 This has been the craziest night. I keep falling asleep and dreaming that I am in the end of times facing demons and everything and it is terrifying but the demons all stop or are destroyed by the name of Jesus Christ. 3 times I've fallen back into this same dream.  It is wonderful. 

Still don't get it

 The things Jami blew this up over are just really stupid.  She Knew we had to clear and clean the basement.  The last time she was here,  before this explosion,  I was in the basement when she came in and I showed her that I was bagging and labeling the bags.  She left shortly after and never came back for the clean up.  She rented a storage unit and still didn't come to clear out the things she had left. Wait. First she said that she wasn't going to need a storage because she and Mike had an apartment for the next 5 years. Which sounded fake, but whatever.  Then she rented a storage. I figured an apartment had a fridge, and the one down in out basement was actually Lindsey's, so I said Kira or Jess could have it.  Then Jami said she was coming to get it.  And asked Jess to bake Mike a birthday cake. ! . Jess did say yes since she hates to say No. She will bake a cake for a man she hates just to keep peace with Jami. But when I told Jami she couldn't have Lindsey's fridge she got pissed and said that without getting the fridge she couldn't come to get Mike's cake. ? . Then Rizzo texts asking for "her" TV. I of course told him NO. Then she showed up here with Rizzo 10:30 at night.  She was in the basement before I knew she was here.  I had told her that we were sorting, packing her things for her but I guess the reality of that was somehow a surprise that Pissed Her Off. She sits here 2 years wallowing in filth, contributes almost no money,  but always is Going To Pay. She did get the drain down there working.  She and Mike tore Kira's car apart and left it in pieces.  She smoked meth down there All The Time. She was a nightmare to have in the house,  has been for 20 years, but she feels entitled to leaving this house trashed and getting mad when we clean it. Mad about Her Things. All of which used to be other people's things. How does a homeless, unemployed person have So Mucb Stuff?? I didn't find Jasmine's shirt but I sure found other things that she had no right to have.  Is she angry she is caught out in that? A lot of it looks like hoarding. I don't know but it is a nightmare down there.  I had to clean a pile of MAGGOTS on the dresser!! They went all down the back am on the floor!! SO GROSS!!! But, there wasn't going to be a War. We were carefully putting everything that we thought she might want around the bed to be packed and stored for her. I told her that. What did she do?? She took the cords to Jeremy's TV!!! Why?? Just to start the this. Just to be a Super Bitch. But, again, WHY. Why not leave things at least friendly? Why not be happy we weren't just throwing all her crap away like she deserves?? Now No One wanted to continue to try to save anything for her.  

We always think Jami has committed the ultimate crime and won't be forgiven but somehow she always works her way back in. And it hasn't been subtle.  She will show up beat half to death in the rain and get let in. She will call in the middle of the night from the middle of no where.  She will just be in the house when I come home.  She fractured my neck and broke my nose and stands in this house declaring that she has never done anything to hurt me.  We all just stared at her.  Robby had heard the story from Jeanette and after Jami left the room he asked if his mom had the story right.  Does Jaamu really erase the things she does?? She really needs to lay in the bed she has made while she blames everyone else for her mistakes.  Maybe realize she is entitled to nothing here.  Maybe learn to be grateful Jeremy let her use his Roku TV instead of pissed that it hadn't become hers.  I don't think I'll live to see her try too come back and if Jeanette lives here I don't know what she will get.  Nett says she will build Jami's shed but, even if she did,  it really won't be liveable for long.  Certainly not thru winter. I can't look at this.  I can't stress over what goes on after I'm gone.  I'll be Done here.  Whatever comes next,  I will be done Here.  Sometimes that doesn't sound bad at all.  

Disbelief again

 I really can't believe she wanted this to go this way! And she probably didn't.  Temper.  Temper. Shoots herself in the foot again, trades good will and all the crap here for a television cord. I can't get Jeremy to answer,  he might anyway be headed here.  Maybe that's a good thing

😀Jenise and Phillip visit

 What a lovely chaotic weekend!! Jenise,  Phillip,  and Elliot came up for the weekend  🙂. They got here Saturday morning and stayed until Sunday evening.  Saturday evening the house filled up.  They went to dinner with Desi and brought her with them when they came back.  Then Sara, Brook, and Tracy  came to visit (Elliot) and then Jeanette showed up a little later. Lindsey was in any out, too between working her Uber job. It was crowded and the laughter was just beautiful! It really was a fun crowd to have the privilege of being a part of.  I slipped out and  went to bed while the party was still going because I wanted to get up early and make a big breakfast but then I overslept,  didn't get to until after 9!! When I did get up I started the breakfast while taking a lot of good natured teasing about my lost ability to cook a meal.  I swear,  I dont know how Jess cooks such amazing meals on our awful stove! Plus I almost never cook here and I  don't know where anything is or how to make everything work. Over 3 hours later I served breakfast that was barely edible. Kira came in and said that she was going to taste what I made and rate it in a scale of 1 to 10. She only gave me an E for effort! She didn't even give me a 1!! and she was correct,  it was awful.  Phillip said that he would pay to go out to eat next time they visit. Jeanette and the boys,  with Riley's "girlfriend", showed up right after what turned out to be brunch or lunch and Jeanette and I trimmed Jenise's hair before they left to return to Kansas.  This was all really stressful for Jess. That makes me sad 😔.  I wish Jess could enjoy gatherings like this! But I think that she enjoyed parts of it all,  too. Jess did visit some with Jenise and with Jeanette.  She clearly loves them and they love her. I can understand that she felt overwhelmed when everyone was here.  It will be better when we get this place cleared out more so it feels like there is room for everyone.  I loved every minute of this weekend ❤️❤️❤️. 

Jambi

 Not a typo, part of her FB name. Jess and I have been digging out her mess in the basement so she is on my mind even more than usual.  Always. Worry. Why is this daughter almost 50 years old and So Very Lost. Addiction. That's the main part of the story.  Addiction plus some personality flaws that make the Addiction harder to deal with or conquer.  Or is that the Addiction,  too? Plus her horrible taste in men.  Ok. Mostly her unfathomable love for Mike Watson.  That and/or the Addiction is going to kill her.  I HATE the thought of her being alone and crying! but she has been alone and crying for a huge part of her life,  even when she is "happy". She was with me for 2 years this last time.  I've been telling her ever since we moved into this house that she Had To start contributing or leave so someone else could.  (Is that like Robby never understanding that I'm not secretly sitting on a hidden money tree? I could prove this situation to both of them showing the bills compared to my income.  I Have Shown Jami.)

Jami says she and Mike somehow have an apartment for the next 5 years.  That doesn't even make sense and,  even if it did,  her living with Mike is never guaranteed.  They will fight,  he will beat her, she will be beat up an no where to go,  Repeat. 

Like always she left a huge mess here for us to sort and clean.  I'm find things we have been missing for years an then wonder who is missing the rest of the things she has somehow collected.  The mess is so big and heart breaking! She drags home more things obviously intended for us than intended for herself.  

Yes. The mess,  the meth, the meth people, her temper, and her inability to even pay her own way are all nearly impossibly to deal with but I love and miss her so much! fear for her so very much! when she is out in the world like she is now.  There is no reasonable hoping that her situation is going to get better while Meth and Mike are the center of her life.  There is the tragic KNOWING that her bad situation is going to end with her death.  It is unbearable to think about her dying before me and equally unbearable to think of dying and leaving her truly alone in this world.  I want to believe that her sisters wouldn't ever leave her on the streets to die homeless and alone but the reality is that they can't/won't put up with taking care of her.  Most of the grandchildren would just kick her while she is down and not bat an eye.  Some of them would do that to me, too! Jeanette says she is going to have Jami's shed built but will she still say that if I am dead before it is built? 

I need to get it built!

Grief. Why do people say "Good grief!"? What grief is good? Whatever.  I have been grieving the loss of Jami for over 30 years. The promising girl that she was is long gone but I believe that all of the women she has been since then love me.  Even when she hates me. 

I don't love all of the people she has been, but I do love so very many things about her.  Her heart is good even though she can act totally heartless.  Her sense of humor is wickedly great. Her sense of loyalty to family will rise above everything else at every crisis.  How many people can I honestly say these things about? 

I need, want, to have some kind of unbreakable plan to take care of Jami after I am gone.  For Jeanette and Jessica, too! I do believe that Jeanette will at least try to take care of her sisters.  Jess is a beautiful person but I don't know that she will be able to even want to take care of her sisters.  Her children and Jeremy are the only ones that I feel sure that Jess would even help.  Jess is trying to make my life miserable for wanting to help Jeanette! even though I need Jeanette to continue to take care of everyone here and me. I AM going to take Jeanette in.  I'm sure that Jess would weirdly rather have Jeremy back,  and I hope Jess never leaves him alone and homeless! but,  not only does he need/want to be on his own right now,  he wouldn't be able to keep up with this house without me to organize, plan, it. 

Jeanette can. 

Always in trouble

 It feels like Jesse's always mad at me, like I'm a little kid getting in trouble! And I do understand that old people are kind of thought of as and treated as little kids as we start to get less capable,!? It usually doesn't really bother me, but just every now and then, it hits me funny because I'm the one that takes care of making sure we survive here. I'm the one Who makes sure the bills get paid. I'm the one who stresses when I can't pay them, like this month. But I'm in trouble if I don't clean the cat box everyday, or if I get distracted while I'm supposed to be doing something, like cleaning the basement right now, and I start fixing up Jazz's car for her because I borrowed it to go get Jesse a coffee.

Jeanette has said something about when she moves in she wants to be able to pay all or most of the bills so I have some spending money. I really can't think of anything I would spend money on, I don't really care about clothes, I don't really care about what I eat, but there might be one thing I would want to do if I had the money. First of all it would be to go see my brother before one of us dies. I dream of doing that all the time! Or sometimes just traveling, driving across country even though I'm an old woman who probably shouldn't now. I used to love doing that. I drove to Texas from Omaha five times a year sometimes! But I think sometimes I would just like to get away from here. I really wanted to get away when Jeremy and I split up and everybody seemed to stand behind Jeremy instead of me. Well the people in this house anyways. That made me want to run away and I still have that feeling. I'm pretty sure I forgiven everybody for what they did and said then even though I think they were wrong. Okay wait. Take that back. I don't forgive Jocelyn and brandon. They went way overboard. They had no business at all they don't even live here. It was probably an excuse that they don't have to worry about what goes on here. Okay, the friction might just be about jessica. She's never apologized for it. And I think it's because she doesn't feel like she did anything wrong. And that hurts. All the years Jeremy hated her and was hateful to her and I stood by her and taken care of her, and it meant nothing to her. I will never understand that. And I want to get away from it sometimes. Even though I love just to death! I think she's one of the sweetest people ever born! And most of the time I love the way she takes care of this house, the house I already gave to her. The house, I often feel like I don't belong here. Like I'm not wanted here. And it's not about Kira or jazz. Kara was part of it at the time of the split up, but she's just a kid, and I think she understands it better now. I know it's probably confusing to all of them to find out how much Jeremy and I still love each other! If they're even capable of understanding that. Funny, jeremy, the one everybody thought was just a little slow, understands what happened to your better than anybody. Actually apologized for his part and what happened here. Actually invites me to come to work he is and get away from everybody here. And that would be probably really nice for me! But I wouldn't do it to him. He's still in a rough patch dealing with the split, morning what was lost, but he still needs to be out on his own to find something new. That's what I want for him. He was so miserable here. He sends me heartbreak songs all the time, songs about lost love, songs about mistreating someone who loves you. But it is time for him to stop grieving, it's time for both of us to start a new life. I know my life is almost over. But if I'm going to be here any longer I'd like to find another life for myself. Not necessarily another relationship! Just a life. There's got to be more than sitting around feeling like a kid in trouble everyday. There's got to be something more than always feeling like you need what you don't have. I would like to just have the food that is good for me to eat everyday. And don't have the energy to make it, nobody else would like what I need or want, but I still wish I had it.

Nightmare kind of

 I had one of those nightmares where I knew i was asleep and kept trying to make my body move to wake up.  A man kept grabbing me from behind in like a backwards bear hug. At one point it was a big guy and it felt kind of like Jeremy so I stopped trying so hard to wake up but then he lit a cigarette so it wasn't really Jeremy and then I woke up.