Jambi

 Not a typo, part of her FB name. Jess and I have been digging out her mess in the basement so she is on my mind even more than usual.  Always. Worry. Why is this daughter almost 50 years old and So Very Lost. Addiction. That's the main part of the story.  Addiction plus some personality flaws that make the Addiction harder to deal with or conquer.  Or is that the Addiction,  too? Plus her horrible taste in men.  Ok. Mostly her unfathomable love for Mike Watson.  That and/or the Addiction is going to kill her.  I HATE the thought of her being alone and crying! but she has been alone and crying for a huge part of her life,  even when she is "happy". She was with me for 2 years this last time.  I've been telling her ever since we moved into this house that she Had To start contributing or leave so someone else could.  (Is that like Robby never understanding that I'm not secretly sitting on a hidden money tree? I could prove this situation to both of them showing the bills compared to my income.  I Have Shown Jami.)

Jami says she and Mike somehow have an apartment for the next 5 years.  That doesn't even make sense and,  even if it did,  her living with Mike is never guaranteed.  They will fight,  he will beat her, she will be beat up an no where to go,  Repeat. 

Like always she left a huge mess here for us to sort and clean.  I'm find things we have been missing for years an then wonder who is missing the rest of the things she has somehow collected.  The mess is so big and heart breaking! She drags home more things obviously intended for us than intended for herself.  

Yes. The mess,  the meth, the meth people, her temper, and her inability to even pay her own way are all nearly impossibly to deal with but I love and miss her so much! fear for her so very much! when she is out in the world like she is now.  There is no reasonable hoping that her situation is going to get better while Meth and Mike are the center of her life.  There is the tragic KNOWING that her bad situation is going to end with her death.  It is unbearable to think about her dying before me and equally unbearable to think of dying and leaving her truly alone in this world.  I want to believe that her sisters wouldn't ever leave her on the streets to die homeless and alone but the reality is that they can't/won't put up with taking care of her.  Most of the grandchildren would just kick her while she is down and not bat an eye.  Some of them would do that to me, too! Jeanette says she is going to have Jami's shed built but will she still say that if I am dead before it is built? 

I need to get it built!

Grief. Why do people say "Good grief!"? What grief is good? Whatever.  I have been grieving the loss of Jami for over 30 years. The promising girl that she was is long gone but I believe that all of the women she has been since then love me.  Even when she hates me. 

I don't love all of the people she has been, but I do love so very many things about her.  Her heart is good even though she can act totally heartless.  Her sense of humor is wickedly great. Her sense of loyalty to family will rise above everything else at every crisis.  How many people can I honestly say these things about? 

I need, want, to have some kind of unbreakable plan to take care of Jami after I am gone.  For Jeanette and Jessica, too! I do believe that Jeanette will at least try to take care of her sisters.  Jess is a beautiful person but I don't know that she will be able to even want to take care of her sisters.  Her children and Jeremy are the only ones that I feel sure that Jess would even help.  Jess is trying to make my life miserable for wanting to help Jeanette! even though I need Jeanette to continue to take care of everyone here and me. I AM going to take Jeanette in.  I'm sure that Jess would weirdly rather have Jeremy back,  and I hope Jess never leaves him alone and homeless! but,  not only does he need/want to be on his own right now,  he wouldn't be able to keep up with this house without me to organize, plan, it. 

Jeanette can.