Where is Jami

 I don't even know where she is anymore.  That's mostly my fault.  Yes, she was shitty, took the cord and remote to the TV and ran from me,  and various other BS, but she is still my daughter. I still love her. Maybe I just love the idea,  the memory,  of who she is without drugs.  Maybe she isn't even HER anymore.  It is all still just heartbreaking. I have to believe that Jami is more than her addiction.  We miss her wit and intelligence, are incomplete without her,  even as we dread the next bad thing she might do to us.  The thought of her being in pain,  suffering, going without,  being stomped on by the world,  is a deep ache and we Know all of those things happen to her all of the time.  Yes. Usually because she is making terrible choices. That's what she does.  What her addiction does. Does she have a choice any more to Not act the way she does? I'm not sure.  Her reality is incomprehensible to me.  She lies all of the time but most of the time actually believes her lies.  She looks me in the eye and tells me that she had never done anything to hurt me.  I'm remembering a fractured neck and broken nose but I see nothing in her eyes except for her wanting me to see that truth. Her truth. 5 years ago I realized that Jami really cannot separate her truths from lies because they all can become true to her. That was a devastating shock to realize.  To know that there will never be a Moment of Realization because she has a concrete flawed reality. I love her. The is all I really know.  I kept her with me hoping I was somehow protecting her,  saving her, until she was Jami again. I couldn't,  can't,  protect her because she is her worst enemy.  But we, I, never stop wanting to protect my family.  Yes, even Jessalynn.  The thought of her literally makes me sick!, but I would still take a bullet for her.  Family. And ALL of us are the family of God. Jesus. What is His pain like watching His family? Unimaginable.  Maybe the pain of this is to realize That. Our family life here on earth is to learn the Family,  the Word, of God. We leave the flock to rescue one lost lamb. Listen. Learn. Then Speak. Our job. Our duty here.