Loki 😓❤️❤️❤️

 I think my Loki might be dying.  She hides under my bed all of this last week and barely eats. She seems weak, like Obi was. We really believed that Loki beat the leukemia, she's lived almost 3 years longer than Obi did after they were diagnosed the same day. She doesn't enjoy being touched,  HATES being held or carried.  She never really liked those things but she didn't hate them.  I got some of that diagnosing kitty litter and put her in the big kennel with her own box. According to it she doesnt have a UTI. It doesnt sound respiratory. She eats the yum yum Jeremy sent (that i forgot I had😕) and some canned food. She has peed twice, once yesterday and once today, that i know about. No poo. Jess says maybe she is constipated.  ??

Today when I found her under my bed she didn't move when I touched her and I thought she was dead. I started screaming and crying and Jess and Kira came. I couldn't stand it, I ran out of the room and was howling in the hall way until Kira said Loki was moving and looking at her!! 

She is back in the big kennel. She doesnt like it much but I can monitor her so much better like this! 

I'm terrified.  

I hate my room!!

 Why can't I do anything about it?? I keep planning to, I even start to many, many times. WHY CAN'T I JUST DO IT. I can dig a 10 X 4 garden in a day. I can weed and care for my gardens All Day. But I can't clean my own room.  And, Yes, I WANT it clean. LOVE the way a clean room feels.  A clean bed. Dang.  I love the way a clean Me feels. Ok. That one I understand a little. Bathing is pretty hugely exhausting.  The whole OCD have-to-do-it-in-the-right-order, the-Right-Way thing goes into play.  WAIT.  Maybe That IS the problem.  The big OCD thing.  It doesn't effect gardening/yard work so much because I don't really have a Set Way to do those things.  I'm usually following instructions I find online or just figuring it out as I go.  Can that really be a big part of this???? I try to take a "quick" shower but always get at least a little caught up in Having To Do at least some of it the Right Way. A quick shower is usually doing the same things but much faster,  more exhausting to do!! I can get away with not shaving but that is all I can give up.  I HAVE to wash my face twice.  HAVE to exfoliate.  HAVE TO ...

Can I just try to Willy Nilly clean my room?? I really get caught up in feeling like every little thing has to be Organized. I find a spool of thread, remember where other sewing things are,  realize I have 3 (or 5) disorganized sewing boxes, and start organizing and consolidating sewing stuff. Oh and then there is the memory/total scatter brain thing.  I see something I need to sew. Stop to sew it (real quick) and put something in the TV while I sew. Then I go on to sew something else real quick. The lighting is terrible so I dig out my lamp but it isn't working so I start to fix it. Then I go to the bath room or to get a drink and realize I forgot to feed and take care of my pets. I take Gabby out back and see Japanese Beatles attacking my garden. !!!! I forget everything and start to battle them.  Then it's dinner time. Dark. I'm wore out. I'll work on my room tomorrow...........  

Rinse andRepeat.

One BIG issue over

 I think the floor drain issue is fixed for now.  Justin put in a sump pump. We aren't real sure how it works but the drains work again and one reason the basement floods is fixed. We will still have to deal with a couple of leaks in the foundation but the floor drain collapsing was definitely the worst part of the flooding issues. Jeanette's 'work arounds' until Justin came up with this idea were absolutely brilliant.  She reminds me so much of me back in the farm days! I used to be able to think like that and figured out every home and car issue without even having Internet! which sounds just unbelievable now. 

We still need to fix the gas leak, I think that Has To Be next! before we blow up - without homeowners insurance,  which I also have to fix ASAP. 

I do so very much love having Jeanette here!! I usually listen for her to get home from work and then I can rest easy. EXCEPT on the  nights when Kira is late getting home. Aarrgh!! Stress. Jeanette also makes me feel personally safe. I always Know that she is/will be 100% behind me in everything with everyone. She and Jenise give me that security and it seems very important in my old age!! Being old doesn't just feel vulnerable physically. I find that I am much slower mentally. Still ahead of the game most of the time but a lot less able to even see that I need help. The boys are pretty supportive, too, and remarkably sensitive in their care of me. Jeanette gets credit for that! They do their best o not let me just feel old, ugly, and useless. Those three things can be dehabilatating.  Not a real word! but new words work best sometimes. 

Something bothered me a few days ago that made me wish Jeanette was around. Jess and I were walking the dogs in Miller Park and I didn't hear or notice that a woman was coming up behind us on the sidewalk. When she was less than a foot behind us she barked out "Excuse me!" right in my ear which startled me and i screamed. I stepped right out of her way and when I looked at Jess she was looking at me like she was horrified and embarrassed by my reaction. 

I still don't understand At All. I think the woman was Rude to 

A - get that close and yell

B- not just step around (it is a wide sidewalk)

But mostly I believe Jeanette or anyone else would have objected to me being treated like that. Yes, of course I consider Jess's problem with it could have been the fact that I scream when startled. OK.  I still do not understand it at all enough that it has been nearly a week and I still am mulling over it, looking for what I did wrong. ??. Trying to understand.  Yes,I did learn that Brandon and Jessalynn can say/do whatever they want to me but I hate thinking that isn't just because... bla bla bla. And there still, with "But that's my daughter!" And not "But that's my mother!" only flies with Jess and them. 

It all goes back to that,  doesn't it. If I ever mention something like this I get, "Well, she Did try to have you thrown out of your home!" but, you see, that is still unfathomable itself. WTF as the kids say. 

Overload

 Overwhelmed. Overboard. Short circutted.  Too much. Not enough. 

Baby steps. One day at a time.  

Three steps forward, 2 steps back. 

So. Much. To. Do. Not. Done.

How do I accomplish so little each day? So little of what should be done.  I'm busy busy busy.  

My room is a disaster.  The house is a disaster. I work in the yard more than I do anything and It. Is. A. Mess. 

Laundromat worth Jess today.

But I need to clear the living room for Jenise and Philip's visit today. Needed to do that TWO YEARS AGO. 

I have to figure out how to help Lindsey if I can. 

The floor drain is clogged. A gas pipe leaks. My car doesn't run. 

These are not new problems.