EPIPHANY! Jess

 It hit me on the way home from Vape and Smoke. I have "taken care of Jess " for YEARS, trying to make sure he home life is safe to her,  taking care of everything she can't - OMG - some of this since her childhood! but these last 15 years of agoraphobic anxiety, I have done nothing to actually help her.  Get her help to over come it. During Covid,  while all medical was offered online and she still had medicaid,  WHY DIDN'T I GET HER REAL HELP?? What have I invested in saving Jami? and others?? I've talked to the women at Vape and Smoke about why I go there to hunt for vape for Jess and yesterday she got all excited, said she had actually Been Jess, been where she is,  and found people to help her.  She gave me referrals to the people who helped her.  It took a stranger to open my eyes to everything that I haven't done. I drove home screaming at myself, begging God to forgive me and help me help Jess NOW. No Medicaid. I need Cash. Everything I can aquire, earn, everything has to go into freeing Jess. I can't give her back the last 15 years. That's on me and if I go to hell for it it would be reason enough. I can't think of a worse things that I have done. The WHY night kill me.  WHY haven't I tried to help her get free?????????????

Beginning the End

 Dying. Jess called an ambulance Saturday because I couldn't breathe. They got me breathing and let Jeanette take me to a hospital.  We went to Immanuel Urgent Care and they sent us to Bergan. I came home Monday on 2% oxygen.  I knew that if I got the virus the kids had that it might kill me.  It almost did.  It definitely changed my life.  I can function a little in the afternoon/ evening but mornings are pretty rough.  And that "function" is limited.  Very short amounts of time.  Most of the time my garden might as well be 50 miles away.  I've drove a few times, sorry trips with an oxygen tank on board. 

I still have to go pick up Lokis ashes.

Memory

 So. Memory is hugely flawed. Our brain rewrites memories for a large variety of reasons sometimes within a matter of seconds. Eyewitness testimony is now of very little value after centuries of convictions based on eye witness memory. Oops. I remember scenes from growing up in Santa Maria like it was yesterday,  which I can't remember at all. Lies. Our memories are lies we tell ourselves while firmly believing they are the truth,  the whole truth,  and nothing but the truth. Some of us keep journals to keep track of our lives only to find they can't be accurate. 

Hmmmm.

Loki died today

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