Speachless

I've lost my voice with this new bug I caught from Jeremy. I can squeak like a chipmunk or bellow a terrible sound. (that hurts!) I just hope Jessalynn and Jasmine don't get it!!! Nor Jenise and Robbie, but I'm not around them as much although we went over there this evening. We stopped by at Nett's to drop off some Pepto chewable pills because the kids have a stomach flu they likely got from Jessalynn last week. I told them it was candy to get them to take it, not the best idea, I know, but they had already refused the liquid Jeanette tried to give them. Robbie ate his right away but Jenise was suspicious and didn't eat hers until after Robbie asked for another one.
After we left Jeanette's, we stopped at Jessica's to drop off Jessalynn and help a bit with Jasmine while Jess gave Jessalynn her bath. Whie there I realized I was late for an appointment with two Morman elders but didn't have their number with me to call.
Oh, yea. I've been talking to the Mormans. It started the other day when they stopped to chat while Jeremy and I were outside looking at the poor car. Then I invited them to stop by and discuss thier religion a couple of nights later. That went OK and they answered my questions but I didn't necessarily like their answers. I asked why, if Jesus's words were our instructions, set in stone so to speak, why did the Morman church make laws then change them such as Polygamie? They said that many things were changed with the times all throughout the Bible but I don't believe it was meant to be so after the new testament myself. I asked why the only use the King James Version of the Bible when there are words in it that have totally different meanings now? and they said that it was the translation closest to the word of God and that it had a poetic sound to it. Hmmm. I listened to them talk about their church, a lot of it I had already read on the Internet getting ready for their visit, and they made it all sound so very simple and denied that they think that those who don't join the Morman church aren't true Christians. I agreed to read some of the Book of Morman they left and set up to see them again tonight.
The Book of Morman didn't move me at all like they were hoping. It almost seemed blasmephous to me in some ways. There is a lot of rewriting of scripture already in the new Testament with stories added about the words of Jesus that were supposed to be revealed by Joseph Smith who saw them written on gold plates that disappeared after he read them. I was rather impressed with what I had researched about Joseph Smith on the Internet. It is amazing that a boy of fifteeen would have such insights from God or anywhere. I could even believe he was a prophet. I also believe Mohamed and Buddah and martin Luther King and a slew of other were prophets of the same kind. But, I also believe that the Mroman faith has been as corrupted as any other church by the ideas of men. And another thing that bothered me. Jess was here once when they stopped by for a minute last night and they invited her to church and she said she didn't have church clothes and they told her she could wear whatever she wanted, to come as she was. Now, when I first started with "The Truth" they said exactly the same thing but later let me know that women and girls had to wear conservative dresses and never cut their hair, and wear it up once a young woman!, and the men were to wear dress shirts and slacks and have no facial hair. I read in the book of Morman that they expect the women to wear dresses and the men to wear a shirt and tie to church. Those now and then rules have always greatly irked me!!!! It's like they will way anythying to get you there and then they tell you all of the real rules you will go to hell if you don't follow them. They said nothing of the undergarments I know all true Mormans wear... And while I am oging at it, it bothered me that alomst all of the footnote references at the bottom of the pages in The Book of Morman refered you to another chapter and page in The Book of Morman instead of to the Bible.
I like these guys. I'm amazed that there are so many intelligent, influential, people withing the Morman church. Or any other church!! The biggest example the Catholics. Huge churches with huge followings. And millions of people tortured and or killed all for the sake of these religions. Some even torture and kill themselves!!
I haven't yet found the gospel according to the original twelve disciples, or the words of Christ recorded in the Bible, being upheld in any church on earth.
But I do find from time to time people who do all they can to live by these things on their own uncorrupted by the demands of rules and tithings and with no vanity that every one else has it wrong.
Those are the people, and children!, I would want to talk to, if anyone, about God.

War on the Homefront

We aren't getting along too well. In fact we are either fighting or not speaking. I prefer the not speaking. :-)
It has been brewing for a while. I am sooo sick of Jeremy arguing with Jessalynn all of the time like he is six years old, too, or sometimes even younger. I would just feel pity for him if it was all he is capable of but it is not. If I try to tell him how to deal with her he just argues with me even though everything he or I say only prove that I am telling him the right things. I'm also real tired of how he and Jessica fight all of the time, usually him making some snide remark that starts it off. Add to that he has been spending more and more money on recreation and contributing less and less to the house while bitching more and more about what we can't afford and I want to strangle him.
He was sitting at the computer and I said something that irritated him and he hit the keyboard. I walked over and slapped him across the back of the head and he ripped the whole keyboard tray off of the desk. I told him to get out and he said no so I took an arm load of his clothes and threw them out in the hall. He shoved me out the door with them and shut the door with me out there in the cold in a T-shirt and panties!!! Asswipe!!
Yea, it doesn't help that my car isn't running and I feel trapped here with his bullshit but I have been looking up bus routes and will free myself. Last night I slept in Jessalynn's room with her and it was quite nice.
I am going to apply for Section 8 Housing again. I qualified before but Jeremy couldn't live with me so I gave it up and we moved here. I need my own place or I will never know the peace I want or be able to enjoy my family.
Jeremy asked me what my plans were this morning and I told him that and he got all huffed up and said "So I am supposed to just sit here and pay half your bills until then??!!" I said No way! I told you to get out yesterday and you are free to go anytime. In fact, go now!! I can always take my SSI and go stay with Jeanette until I get my Section 8!! Fool. Try to strongarm me.
It truly is a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
And that makes it not nice to say that but soooo much of what Jeremy doesn't know about how to get along is him refusing to learn, NOT him being unable. MAYBE he truly can't understand WHY he needs to learn the little things about life to get along but that is also his own stubbornness to not see that his judgement never pans out like he thinks it will. There are too many incidents to count, truly, where I have advised him one way and he has gone another to his own detriment, often hurting both of us. He is not beyond eventually learning cause and effect.
Instead Jeremy is just full of himself and frustrated that the rest of the world doesn't see things his way. It is sad that so many take an instant dislike to him but he comes across as such an imbecil, much more so than he really is, because he refuses to believe that acting like he is still in high school just isn't cool at thirty-two. He will beat his head against a wall to prove to me that it isn't harder than his head until he needs stitches.
Almost literally.
I can't take anymore of this!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday Morning

Last night Jeanette came and drove me around to take care of my business for a few days with trips to Walgreens and the grocery store, etc.
On Beaver's instructions, Jeremy and I put brake fluid in the Master Cylinder yesterday and we were going to try to drive it to the gas station to air the almost flat tires and to the repair shop to save towing fees. The gears shifted at first but before we even took off they froze up again even with the fluid in it so I have to believe it is more than a simple leak and likely the Master Cylinder or worse.
It was a nice outing with Jeanette. We shared our misery and laughed at it and stopped and visited Jess and Jasmine. Patrick dropped Jessalynn off here and I kept her overnight and Patrick will pick her back up tonight for the night. There is no school today and tomorrow because of Parent Teavers Conferences, so we have a few days to get the car fixed if we can afford whatever the price is going to be. We won't know that until Friday when the guy can look at it after we have it towed to him.
Last night I had one of the worst nightmares ever. I dreamed the lights in the house weren't working and then peoplelike things appeared trying to abduct us and I tried all kinds of prayers and encantations that had no effect because they turned out to be some kind of aliens, they kept trying to inject us with something but we fought them even though they were very, very, strong, and when I woke up I was screaming. YUK. One of the few nightmares where I wasn't aware at all that I was only dreaming.

Blast it all!!!

My car is broken down!!! this brings my life and Jessica's to a stand still. Then to complete the family mess Jeanette just found out her unemployment will be stopped as of next week and I won't be in any position to help her. PLUS I got my Stimulus payment finally only to find that the government had taken all but six dollars of it because an ambulance I was in stopped at the Air Force Hospital to be directed to a non-military facility!!!! That little layover cost me three hundred dollars!!!!!
BLAST!!!

Jasmine and Jessica Home :-)

It was a beautiful day. Jasmine surprised everyone and was well enough to be discharged with Jessica today. :-)
We left the hospital around three and picked Jessalynn up a little early and showed her class the new baby. Then we went to Walmart to fill Jess's scripts and get a few last minute baby things. I took Jess and Jasmine home and brought Jessalynn here to play with her friends a couple of hours and then Jeremy and I took her home and had a nice visit with them. I clipped Jasmine's fingernails for Jess and gave Jessalynn her bath and put her to bed. It was a sweet feelng over there.
Meezie has also surprised all of us by being really good through all of this. He went into the delivery room with Jessica and was up at the hospital eveyr day and even cleaned the hose before Jessica got home. :-)
There was ice on the windshield when I left home at six this morning to take Jessica some things. Winter is coming!!! It got up to a pleasant sixty degrees today and it looks like that is all we are going to get for a while.
I am glad to be home and ready for a little break after a grueling week. I've been in a lot of pain but already feel a little better tonight. Maybe it is knowing everything is going to be easier for about five weeks until Jeanette is ready to have her baby. I HAVE to be there for her for this one after missing the first two!!!!!!!
Now off to bed. A full day coming tomorrow with getting to the doctor to have my BP checked and get a flu shot, and then getting Jeremy to the Fred Leroy Clinic to have his BP checked and maybe get a change to his seizure medication. He has been having seizures lately even though his Tegretol levels have been high. He will also have to get a flu shot; Jasmine's doctor said for us all to get them. Jessica got hers before leaving the hospital and we a e going to get Jessalynn the nasal spray kind ASAP.
So, Jasmine is home and she and Jessica are doing very well and Jessalynn seems to be taking it all very well and loves her new sister.
A beautiful day. :-)

The Day After Jasmine Born

I wish I had made an entry yesterday when Jasmine came but it was a long frightening day.
Jeremy and I picked up Jessica and Jessalynn a little before seven, and got her there in time to prep for her C-section. We left the hospital when they took her away to re-park the car and air the almost flat tires and when we got back she had already been delivered and Meezie's mother, Tanya, was there looking at Jasmine being weighed etc. through the glass window to the nursery. Jasmine looked chubby, healthy and was a beautiful mix of Jessica and Meezie and we were all oohing and awing, Meezie had gone with Jess for the delivery and was still with Jasmine in the nursery in his scrubs, and when he left the area to go check on Jessica they moved Jasmine towards the back of the nursery and drew a curtain between her and us. We were immediately concerned and asked at the desk if there was a problem and they said that she was just getting a bath and that they would send Meezie out to talk to us soon. Then we saw them wheel an ex-ray machine to the curtained off area and Tanya and I knew something was wrong. Meezie came out and said that they had told him that she has a slight heart murmur but he knew nothing about the ex-rays being taken. We were allowed to go see Jess in her room and were there when they came and said that they wanted to take Jasmine over to the NICU to be monitored until some tests came back on her. Jeremy asked if Jess could see her first so they brought her by the room for a scant few minutes (during which we snapped some pictures of Jess holding her) and whisked her off to the NICU. Hours later I wheeled Jess to the NICU to see her and we were told that she had something called PDA and it was explained to us. Jess asked if they expected Jasmine to go home when she did on Thursday and they said a definite NO and Jessica fell apart crying. I stayed with her until midnight and only left then because I had to get Jessalynn home and I looked up PDA after I got here. I read about it until three am learning the questions to ask since they didn't seem to be telling us more than we knew to ask. Jess called several times during the night until she finally fell asleep.
I got up a little late this morning and we had decided to let Jessalynn decide whether to go to school or the hospital today and she wanted to go to see her mom and Jasmine. I had to go see Dr. Gold on the way and fell asleep in the examining room. I don't much remember the check up but he said to continue with PT and get some sleep.
Jess had called before we left and said that Dr. Tibbles had been in and told her that the diagnosis had changed to Infant Pulmonary Hypertension, something that Zoloft is guilty of causing, although they don't seem to know of a set cause. That frightened me since I had come across information about it, too, during my late night reading, but when I got to Clarkson Hospital Jessica told me that Jasmine was out of the incubator and when we went down to visit her they said that she had taken an ounce of formula without her oxygen level dropping and that we could hold her. Incredible news!!!
Jess had a rough day while we were there. Jessalynn was maybe tired and grumpy along with her adjustment issues and Jessica was very stressed out and the visit just didn't go very well. I brought Jessalynn home around four-thirty and took Jeremy to work and Jessalynn was asleep in the car when I got home so I sat in our parking lot and read for an hour or so to let her get some rest.
We came in and Jessalynn took her shower and we are getting her ready for school tomorrow before we go back up to the hospital. She has to go tomorrow because it is picture day and it is just time for her to get back to school!

Sunday Before Jasmine

Jessica called a little bit ago saying she needs to go back to Walmart to exchange something after I take Jenise and Robbie home, which will be a soon as I feed them which will be in about ten minutes.
Finally, we can say that Tomorrow Jasmine will be here. :-)
I woke with a migraine so Jeremy got up with the kids this morning and dressed them and fed them breakfast. Then he went and worked a couple of hours and will return to work at five until closing time.
Jeanette called and said that Michelle had finally stopped fielding Jami's calls for her and gave Jami her number. So maybe the fates have decided that I was correct in wanting to ask Jeanette to take one of her calls!! She said Jami was crying but still blaming me for everything that happened, never able to take responsibility for her actions, and Jeanette told her she should get some mental help for the baby's sake since she was obviously unstable. I know Jami didn't think about how her actions would cut her off from her family or any other consequences when she started in on everyone here that day. She can see nothing but her own rage at those times. And even though life has been much harder for them since leaving here, I doubt she even thinks about how unreasonable she was that day about us "taking advantage of her." Jeanette also told her that I chose not to press charges or anything when Jami said something about me not caring about her. I'm glad that Jami knows that.
I have to feed these guys and get them all ready to go now. Take Jess shopping and try to amuse her some through this nervous day. Maybe get together what I might need at the hospital tomorrow.
See ya.

Grandchildren overnight again

Jeanette finally let me have Jenise and Robbie overnight for the first time since IT happened. :-) I slept until nine and spent the day finishing cleaning and clearing the house, took about a hundred pounds of stuff to Goodwill, and got the kid's room set up cute again, and Jeanette and Rob dropped off Jenise and Robbie around four and Jessalynn got here around six. We had a good time together and I fed them supper and then made them some Rice Crispy treats. Yum.

Yesterday I took Jess for her pre-baby check-up and she passed with flying colors. Her left lung has healed nicely with the new antibiotic and the baby's heartbeat is strong and good. The countdown is getting very close, since it is after midnight, I can say Jasmine will be delivered tomorrow!! We will get to the hospital Monday at 6:30 am and the C-section is scheduled for 8:30 am.

I stopped at Dr. Hay's office Friday and had my blood pressure checked and the doctor doubled my medication and I am to go back in next week sometime and get it checked again.

I took Jeremy to the Fred Leroy clinic Thursday so they could run some tests to determine what kind of arthritis he has. His blood pressure is questionable, too, but the doctor wants to give him a chance to correct it with some diet changes and go back in and have it checked again in a week or so, too. I'm worried that he likely has Rheumatoid Arthritis from what the doctor said about the symptoms of the different kinds of arthritis, but I guess we will know soon when they get the tests back. In the mean time she prescribed a general NSAID arthritis medicine. If he does have Rheumatoid the medication will be so expensive that it will be cheaper to drive to the Indian reservation in Winnebago, where there is a hospital that dispenses free medication to Native Americans, than it would be to fill it at a pharmacy here. I looked up Winnebago and it is just south of Sioux City, not too bad of a drive, and it would be interesting to see the reservation if we do end up having to go there. It's been a long time since we have taken a road trip anyhow.

Jeremy and I have grown closer again and have really been enjoying being together. I have been the problem and decided to fix my attitude and stop taking him so much for granted. He so often has come last in everything for too long with me caring for my girls and their children and I had to stop and remind myself that I would be totally lost without him and not even able to do the things I do for my girls without him. And it is wonderful how he accepted the change in my attitude with simple gratitude and joy instead of recriminations for being so neglectful for so long. It really humbled me to think how patiently he has waited for me to remember to put him first again. I hope I never forget again.

I got an email this morning asking if I want to accept Jami as a friend on Facebook. We are all stunned that she sent the request. I know it is an attempt to reconnect with me, and I have always just let it go and accepted overtures like this after an "incident" in the past, but this time I feel like I have to have at least some acknowledgement of what she did, if not an apology!, instead of just going on like it never happened. In fact, I think maybe I should have never done that before and set such a ludicrous precident. I didn't deny the request but I didn't respond either.

I received a short, sweet, letter from Lindsey Thursday. I got her a new bra tonight at Walmart because she asked for some new ones. If this one fits her then I wil get her more. She is upset that her mother and I aren't together anymore and I am so sorry that this is effecting her. Everything about what happened is just sad.

My mouse is going bonkers and it is very late so I will stop here. Also, Robbie usualy wakes up around five in the morning although he usually will go back to sleep if I put him in bed between Jeremy and me. :-)

Goodnight.

NOt so lazy...

Ah, my lazy day changed after taking Jeremy to work at four. I set out to clean all of the things Patrick gave us out of his basement, baby things, mostly Kunashe's, and I cleaned the toys and furniture on the patio and organized it nice (we've had one notice from the management to take care of it). I had a bad spell while doing the cleaning, shaky and dizzy. Took my BP, 164 over 115, so I ate a few corn chips and rested a little bit and was OK. I think I am having some low blood sugar problems again. I finished all of that and then went to Jessica's. I rearranged Jessalynn's room to make room for Jasmine's crib and the room looks really cozy and cute. It took me over an hour just to put the crib together!!! I finished cleaning Jessalynn's room and did her laundry and was done at eleven thirty, in time to pick up Jeremy from work.
I am soooo sore and tired and will be sore tomorrow but it was worth it to finally get all of that done!!!
Now, to bed.

Jess back to ER

Yesterday when I got to Jessica's she was trying to get Jessalynn ready for school and crying because she was in so much pain. Jess almost never cries from pain!!! I took Jessalynn to school, canceled Jeremy's dentist appointment, and took Jess to the ER. This time I stayed with her to make sure they did something besides tell her to take tylenol and use a hot pack.
They sent her up to OB and her OB team took care of her, running blood tests and doing Ex-rays. The main doctor thought she had pneumonia in her left lung but she didn't although her blood test showed she still has an infection there. He checked her side where the severe pain is and said she had cracked a rib coughing. I kept saying that she needed something for pain besides tylenol and they finally gave her some Hydrocodone and a prescription for it as well as a new antibiotic. We were there almost five hours but this time it was worth it. Plus we got to see the rooms moms go to after they ahve their babies. It was really nice with a jaccuzzi and a long couch that turns into a bed. (for me!!)
When I got to Jessica's this morning she was still asleep but I kept knocking until Jessalynn looked out the window and let me in. I was, thankfully, there early, so I had time to get Jessalynn ready for school. Jess got up as we were leaving and I assured her everything was taken care of and to go back to bed.
It was really cool out this morning so I came home and snuggled back into bed with Jeremy and took a long nap. Lazy day!!! It is still cool but bright and sunny and windy out now. Really a beautiful fall day.

Sleepy Head

I don't believe this. Jeremy let me sleep in today and I slept until four pm!!!!! And then he had to wake me up to watch Jessalynn because it was time for him to go to work! You would think I would feel marvelously rested but I am sluggish as a Sloth and stiff as a board!
Now I am headed to Jessica's to finish cleaning and rearranging Jessalynn's room to fit a crib in there. (Jess is feeling a little better but still confined to bed.) And I hope to get to clearing our living room and patio. I was up until two cleaning out the room Jami and Kirk were using and turning it back into a kid's room.
And so I'm taking off for now!!!!! Peace.

Jess Worse

Jess called today and said that she was coughing and felt something snap in the place that is hurting her. When I got to her house she could hardly move because she was in so much pain. I took her a heating pad to use and stayed and cleaned Jessalynn's room to get it ready to go set up the crib in there for her tomorrow. Jess is "nesting" and it is driving her nuts with being laid up and so much she wants to get done before she has the baby.
I'm getting around a little better today, it started out OK but the pain in my hips, legs, and back is pretty outrageous right now!! The good news is I don't notice the pain in my neck so much for now...
Kirk came and got all of their stuff that they want today so that is over with. The room they used is still quite a mess with the trash he left and the living room is piled with our stuff still but getting Jess's house in order is the priority for now.
I do wish Jeremy spent more time helping me instead of laying in bed watching TV when he is home...
Jessalynn is spending the weekend with me since Mommy is laid up. She wanted to anyhow so she can play with her friend, Ania, here.
Patrick hasn't asked for Jessalynn in a long time except to take her to his mom's and Jessalynn said she doesn't want to go with him again unless he is going to spend some time with her. I don't know what is up with him. He used to always at least spend one day a week with her.
Rob just stopped by to pick up a TV Jeremy got for Robbie's room. Robbie has been waking up screaming for some time now and Jeanette is hoping some distraction in his room will calm him down. Oh and Rob was shocked to see our living room!!! I really have to get it dug out and reorganize the house. A lot of it is stuff that was stored in the middle room closet that we had to move to the garage when Jami and Kirk moved in and then there are all of the baby things I have acquired... Even the patio is piled with stuff.
Now I'm off to rest a bit before Jeremy gets off work.

OUCH!

I'm really suffering for carrying that dresser!!!!! I have pain going from my tail bone down my right leg to my heel and it is excruciating!!! (Sciatic nerve) I went for PT and they did some extra work on me and gave me some Biofreeze to try but it didn't seem to help much. Then around six I tried some Hydrocodone and using my Tens unit which did seem to help but then Jess called in a lot of pain from what sounded like Pleurisy. I called her doctor's after hours service and they called back and said that they wanted Jess in the ER within four hours or they would send an ambulance. We all went and took her there and spent six hours in the ER to be told that there is nothing they can give her while pregnant. Something they could have told us over the phone!!!!
Gasoline is an amazing $3.05 a gallon after being almost four dollars a gallon for months. It's nice but makes me wonder what is comng next....
Jessalynn is spending the night. Maybe I can have Jenise and Robbie tomorrow ? although I don't know how I wil manage to get the house ready by then. The living room is piled with the things we had in the room Jami and Kirk were using plus the things we had to move into storage to make room for them when they moved in plus a lot of baby things Patrick found in his basement for us plus a couple of bags of clothes Jess sent ove to be gone through before I take them to Goodwill. The room is piled with a narrow path leading to the back door.....
That's about all. Now I have to sit her and wait for Jeremy to come help me out of this chair.
This crippled crap sucks. Good thing about the new back injury ~ I don't notice the neck so much right now.....

Thursday Night

This morning I saw a maintenance guy carrying a six drawer dresser to the dumpster and woke up Jeremy so we could claim it for Jessi. We also got a 27 inch TV for Robbie. :-) Good scavenger day!
Then Kirk stopped by and told us they weren't paying another month on the garage but were taking their things to store elsewhere. He also said that they were moving back to the Micah House homeless shelter so I guess things didn't work out at the place in Carter Lake. Child Support caught up with Kirk for his three girls and he says they are going to start taking four hundred a month out of his checks for it. He's been paying a guy thirty dollars a week just for a ride home from work every day and he takes the bus there which eats up a couple of hours of his day. I feel sorrier for him than Jami since she is the one who got them into this mess being so dissatisfied with things here and what she did as a result of that thinking!
Jeremy and I took Jess her dresser and helping Jeremy carry it upstairs really hurt me but no way could Jess help him nine months pregnant!! We went and picked up Jessalynn from school and I passed out with an ice pack until it was time to take her home at eight.
Jeremy is getting our things out of the garage right now. I was a little ticked he didn't think to get it done while I was out and it was still daylight. He doesn't seem to do anything unless I keep reminding him what needs done. Argggghhh.
And I'm off to an early bed for an early busy morning. Jess to school, physical therapy, and take Jess for her last day at work.
Good night!

Thursday Morning

I saw Dr. Hay Tuesday morning. He talked to me for a long time and is running some tests to try to figure what has gone wrong with my blood pressure, which has been very low most of my life and put me on some BP medicine for now. He suspects my thyroid but I have had it radiated twice. We'll see.
Jess and I stopped to see Jeanette yesterday and got $100 of my disability. Robbie was very affectionate and sat with me playing most of the time we were there. :-) Her children are such cuties!!
I'm still working my way through reading all of Catherine Cookson's 100 Novels that the library carries.