Pre-Christmas

This isn't my first Christmas to be broke for the holidays, but it is the first for a while. I wouldn't care except for the kids. That hurts. We don't even have a tree But Philly called last night and said he has one for us. And Thanks to Jenny we have some gifts for Kira and Jessalynn, the two I worry about the most. But it still feels pretty bleak. I have always hated Christmas. Even when I can afford to buy for all I care about I hate thinking about those who can't. I hate that children are told that Santa gives them gifts according to how good they are during the year. I never taught my girls that and I wish no one did. We talk a lot about children who have low self esteem and feed it early with crap like this. I hear people talking about how they dislike all the commercialization a lot but I am the only one I ever hear talking about this. Why?

December 2011

I didn't tell my children that there was a Santa. Not just because we were in a cult that didn't recognize it but because I hated so many things about it. Number 1: Kids are taught that they get what they ask for if they are good. Yea, I hate the whole commercialization thing, too, but that is what burns me up the most. How many children who are poor think they weren't good enough??? And we are poor this year. I'm sure Nett's kids will get gifts from their father's family, Jazz will be taken care of by Meez, but what about Jessalynn and our Kira??? I worry about Jessalynn the most. Kira is too little to really care much. I think Jessalynn doubts the whole Santa thing but she is trying to believe this year again and I just feel like telling her the truth. It will still burn that she gets so little but I think it would sting less. She tells me that there are kids in her class saying there is no Santa and adds that those kids will be on the naughty list and not get presents. I have a gift for her stashed but no hope for getting her or anyone else anything else. Jeremy's unemployment never started, not sure why because he is a doush who hasn't bothered to call and check. Jenny checked with Toys for Tots but they say they are out of gifts. Patrick has never contributed to the Santa thing and always says he has a limit like $20 that he can spend on her. 

My phone is off this month and I lost my auto insurance. I am not sure how we will even just survive. Jaz and Kira are finally in diapers during the day which saves a lot of money. Jeanette is taking care of herself and her children more which helps, too. but we are living on my SSI and the little we get for Kira and there are no extras at all. Jeremy is always looking for work but there is little to find that he can do and there is always the stress of how he will get back and forth without getting in a wreck. With the accidents we didn't profit on iota when he was working last time. We still have to pay a $350. fine for his last ticket for reckless driving in the next two months.

Santa must die.

Trick or Treat

Jeremy, Nett, Jenny and I took the seven kids trick or treating last night. We got a late start (again!), readying all the kids is tricky! and people seemed to run out of candy pretty early but it was fun. We sped over to Cherry Hills and there were as few places that went all out which the kids really liked. Jessalynn was a vampire, Jenise a witch, Robby Luigi, Riley Spiderman, Jaz a Tiger, Kira was Batgirl, and Kegan was Woody, all too too cute!!!!! We went to Walmart and bought them a bunch more candy before going home so everyone has plenty!!!!

Moving On

We've moved. Jeremy lost his job yesterday and a few hours later the tranny blew on my van.
Ah, these are the days of our lives.....
Not sure if Jeremy losing his job is terrible, I pretty much have been expecting it daily. He has been working in Valley for about two months. I didn't tell him about the job for a long time after I found out about it because of the long drive and his driving record. He wrecked his car several times in the short time he has bee working there. He still has to go to court on one of them and his car looks like crapola. Also, his check has been docked several times for breaking things until he got fired for breaking something yesterday and the cost of it will be coming out of his last check still.
The good thing is that we moved this month to a cheaper place. It isn't at all what I was looking for but it is a place we could afford on just my disability if we had to and it is very close to the kids school.
there isn't a dishwasher in this place and I don't have a washer so I iron the clothes dry, and with all the six kids laundry that is a lot of ironing!!!!
The thought that my life hasn't turned out anything like I expected often crosses my mind even though I really have no idea what I expected by 54, don't think I ever really thought it through. I don't hate this life. I love everyone in my life. I suppose I didn't expect to still be raising kids but I planned to be enjoying them so it isn't that different. OK. That might be a lie. But I sure wouldn't want anyone else to have them when their parents can't take care of them... There are wonderful moments, days, years. 
     Kira: GRANDMA! GRANDMA! Jaz is going to bite me!!!!!
     Jaz: I'm not going to bite her I am going to HIT her!!!
Priceless. 
But all six of them as much as they are with me is a LOT of work. 
I feel old. All 2011 I have been aware of how old I am. I feel like I have aged more in the last year than in the last ten. I look at my body and face and see an old woman in the mirror. I live at a pain level that horrifies me and Dr. Gold keeps me under medicated, sadistic or something, I haven't figured that out. Not sure why it is called Pain management because the pain isn't managed at all by him. But that is another story....

What I've Done to Us

Ah, it isn't pretty. We are so broke we will only make it through these times if absolutely nothing else goes wrong for a loooong time. Jeremy has his CNA but is having a very hard time finding anyone who will hire anyone without experience. I should have researched that a little better!!! We whould be alright for the rest of the year if I hadn't spent all of our money on my girls in the last few months. I did what I thought I had to do, but much of it could end up to be a waste after it all. My youngest could very likely lose the home I put her into and everything I bought for it. Jeanette started working last week, there is light at the end of that tunnel, although she was going to be OK most likely soon anyhow with ADC and getting her unemployment benefits extended. But I broke the cardinal rule, take care of yourself so you can help others, not help others until you can't help yourself. Not the first time I have done this but I should know better by now!!!! I even spent money put back for important things, like getting my teeth fixed. Now after next week I will have no teeth on the left side. Ah, my own fault, what is worse is making Jeremy live with this. We could have lived at least a year on what I have spent in the last six months, two years on what I spent the two months before that, and now we are struggling to keep the house in toilet paper and keep the lights on! Fortunately, Jeremy is largely unaware of how much money we had to begin with. Not that he would hate me or anything, but I would definitely hear the things I already know about how careless I have been with our money and lives and I'd rather not.
Aside from that, we are having a good summer with all of the kids so far. We have all six almost all of the time and are often stressed with it all but manage to take them places and do things that they like and are fun for all of us. This summer we discovered the Sprayground park. It is free so there is only the cost of gas to get there, not far, and a little for snacks and stuff and we've bought little toys for the parks like sand shovels and buckets. I sooo wish I had bought a zoo pass before the money was gone! but the Sprayground is fun good for all of them. Jaz doesn't care much for the sprinklers yet but she loves the dry playground.
We are having some trouble with the smoke in the air from wildfires in Arizona that is blowing into our state. Jaz has had asthma problems and Jeremy and I have had terrible sinus problems, but this too shall pass.
All for now. The day is calling.
See ya!

Robby Party

We had a party at Westwood sprayground yesterday. Jeremy brought a grill and made hot dogs, had a Batman birthday cake, and the kids played and played all day. Jenny and Keegan came and Michelle and Keen were there with Cherry so it was a good size group even though several people invited couldn't make it. The park is only about five miles from here so we hope to take the kids there a lot this summer. good free fun for hot days.

I got a bad case of food poisoning from some potato salad, spent a miserable 8 hours but it is passing, just weak and miserable now.
Worried worried worried about money. Been supporting Nett and Jess for months and Jeremy is having a hellova time finding a CNA job. Everyone seems to want a year experience but where is he supposed to get that??? He slunk back to Popeyes today to ask for that job back, I felt terrible for him, but we aren't giving up on finding him a CNA job.
Jami's and Kirk's visits with Kira have been cut down to one two hour visit on Wednesdays in preparation for them ending soon when she goes up for adoption. I still know nothing about if i will get to adopt her, it is absolutely terrifying waiting to know. I am talking to the LDS church about helping us if we need it and I think they will. That is all a little strange. Our new missionaries are almost claiming a completely different LDS doctrine than any of the others have that eliminates most of my long held objections. I know the church didn't change that much, but they have definitely changed their approach! I will be meeting with them again Monday evening.
I just hope they can help me keep our Kira.
OK. Feeling pretty rough.
More some other time.

8 Days of School Left!!!!

Whew. Almost survived another year of driving kids to school!!! Jeremy has been helping drive them a lot lately since I was diagnosed with Labyrnthitis. Vertigo is not the best driving companion or any kind of companion.
The kids are passing around some kind of virus, mostly high fever, but it seems to pass fairly quickly.
Did I write about Nett's eyes???? Her retinas detached a couple of months ago and she is blind in the right eye and doesn't see too well out of the left. She has had two surgeries done by Dr. Priluck and he still thinks she will regain some sight but we won't know for sure for a while. We have had the kids pretty much since this started, she was in terrible pain after the surgeries and then can't lift over five pounds and just needs to adjust to what her life is now. It scares her when the kids run at her because they get close before she can see them, but she is planning to start having them soon. Mostly right now we don't want to risk her getting whateverf this virus the kids are passing right now. I took her to the doctor today and Dr. Rosman is testing her for C Diff, which I hope she doesn't have!! but she has been a pretty sick little girl for a whle now. She is very, very, skinny from the Graves Disease, and has just had too much go wrong lately.
jeremy graduated from Clarkson and has his CNA but is still looking for someone to hire him. This first job will be the hardest to get so he is having to pound the pavement looking but I have no doubt he will do well when someone decides to give him a chance. He graduated at the top of his class amazing everyone with his aptitude for this. I knew he would do well but he even managed to amaze me.
I am worried about our financial situation. We have been supporting Jess and Jeanette for a while now and the money we had saved to get us through while Jeremy went to school and found work has gone too fast but I always have faith that we will find a way to manage, although I have no clue what that will be right now. Rob paid Nett child support for a couple of months but then his mother told him to stop after Jeanette could no longer work, lovely people they are, and we awhve beensupporting her and her kids since then. She has applied for ADC but that will be less than 400 a month when it does start and that isn't nearly enough. Jess hopes to be able to start working in June but she currently owes 340 in rent that I will have a hard time getting together for her. I have it but I also have everyone's other bills to pay and Jeremy still not working but we are first and foremost survivors.

Depression

I seldom fall victim to depression like this. Thank God. It feels very much like when someone close dies but no has died lately. I am sure it is triggered by the death of what I have felt was a close relationship with Jessalynn's father, Patrick, but that is not all of it, only the last straw perhaps. Patrick blindsided us Thursday with court papers demanding imediate temporary custody of Jessalynn and we go to court April 4th. I would repsect it if I had any belief that he did this in Jessalyn's best interest. He stated in his own deposition that he has always had free access to Jessalynn yet he has never in my memory kept her more than overnight on a weekend occasionally, never even for a whole weekend, unless he was taking her out of town for a family reunion or something. No. This is the culmination of four years of him bitching about paying child support and never understanding that the money he has to pay is for the overall support of Jessalynn. Not that he has at all regularly paid. He has only made payment when threatened with being held in contempt of court or of having his driving license suspended. Add to that he was very angry that Jess stopped letting him claim Jessalynn on his taxes the year he didn't give her her share of it. He swore after tax time this year he would have revenge and now he is trying for it. He says he borrowed the money from his mother to do this. He called me and said that he hoped we would have the same relationship as before. I thought I told him that ship had sailed but then Jess called and told me that Patrick was telling her that I was fine with all if this. I called him and apologized if I hadn't made myself clear but that I would never have any respect or even liking for him again in any way. I told him that he was aware that Jess would need my support in this as he had to have help paying for his lawyer from his mother and that I don't have friends who cost me a thousand dollars out of the blue for ridiculous claims because they don't understand child support. It seems that I am worried about everything these days. I have no clue how Jeanette is going to manage with her vision still mostly limited to one eye and Jess is totally dependant on child support that seldom comes and State aid that is never enough for a little longer and Jami and Kirk still can't take care of themselves let alone the addiction taht seems to have claimed them again and I watch my savings disappearing with all of their needs until I know that I will soon have trouble taking care of myself. Jeremy is doing well in school and working terribly hard but he studies constantly to keep his grades up and cna do very little to help me with anything. Indeed, I feel terrible I have helped him so little with his studies after promising so much more when he enrolled in the CNA class. Then there will be the worry of him finding a good nursing job when he does graduate and surviving until that income begins. I had hoped to have enough saved that we could move to a better home when our lease is up here but that is doubtful with having to hire reprsentation for Jess. Jessalynn does not want to live with Patrick so for that reason alone I will seek the best of the best help to stop Patrick's plan to get her and get out of paying child support. I have also been looking for a little car for Jessica but don't know if there will be money for that either after this custody issue is dealt with. There is a bright spot. We were all so worried that Jess getting attacked in her own home twice would make things worse for her. I can't imagine being agorraphobic and then being attacked in the one place I felt safe, I expected a huge setback at least, but it has instead had a totally different effect. She says it made her feel empowered forf the first time, she fought off both attacks herself and survived. God does have the strangest ways of giving blessings!!!! I think her reovery since then has been unbelievable and I do think she could be persuaded to start driving a little again if she had a car. I might still find a way to make that happen for Jess and her girls.

My Beautiful Jessalynn is 9!!

Jessalyn is growing up sooooo fast!!! There was a blizzard the night she was born. Jami came to pick me up to go the hospital the night Jess went into labor. We were climbing through the snow to get to her truck when I slipped through a drift and fell into the sewer drain in front of Patrick's house. Jami had no clue what happened and the wind was so fierce I could barely hear her calling for me, asking where i went. I was in the drain up to my chest which was compressed so I couldn't yell loud but she finally backtracked and saw me and pulled me out of the drain and rushed me to the ER at the hospital where Jessalynn was being born. I insisted o a wheelchair to check on them before I went into ex ray and saw Jess. She was looking pretty bad and had a fever rising so they were planing a C-section ASAP. I went back to the ER and got through the tests while she was in surgery and got back upstairs right after Jessalynn was taken to the nursery. She was so beautiful I just sat there and cried.

And now we often have a snow storm on her birthdays, today no exception. School was canceled but she is here with us. We are going to delay her party, maybe Friday, but I am going to give her one of her gifts shortly. She has been asking for her birthstone so I bought her a 10 ct. gold pair of earrings with marque shaped garnet stones. I'd like to get her a matching ring and necklace but am worried they might get broken or lost which would make her too sad, hopefully the earrings will stay in place better than those might. They will be the first dangly earrings I have let her have although the dangle is very short. I am so very proud of this little girl. She is just amazing and I love the way she loves and trusts me. I lived with her parents her first six months before i went to Texas for two years and when I came back we bonded all over again and the bond is very tight. When I first came back to Nebraska Jeremy and I stayed with them for about 9 months and Jessalynn spent almost all of her time up in the room we were staying in. If I would lay in bed and read she would get a book and lay cheek to cheek with me for hours pretending to read, too, turning pages when I did, never bored. Then Jeremy and I moved out into our own house and not long after Jess and Jessalynn moved in with us. Jess took the downstairs but Jessalynn again spent all her waking hours upstairs with us. I had been injured and spent all my time in a wheel chair or bed but she hung out with me no matter what. We lived there a year or two, then Jess moved into West Omaha and we moved a couple of months later to here, less than two miles apart from them but again, Jessalynn spends at least half or more of her time here with us.

Jessalynn is my second oldest grandchild but she is the oldest on who lives here and she rules the cousins who were born after her here. She is an excellent role model and a loving cousin to the younger ones. When all the three now two year olds were born she became indispensable in helping keep order here when all of the kids are here. At home she is a huge help to Jess with Jaz and all of the babies adore her.

But I don't think anyone could adore her more than I do.

A Friday Evening

We're waiting on Jeanette to get here to stay with the kids while we go shopping. Friday nights we keep her kids overnight because she works at seven on Saturday mornings but tonight she is coming here to hang out with them adn feed them supper so we can go and she can have a little mroe time with them. We also have Jaz tonight, Jeremy went and picked her up last night. He was so happy to have her back here he watched Dora with her for two hours at bedtime. It's a good thing Jess doesn't mind sharing Jaz with him because the bond between those two is incredible. Jess knows that and appreciates it for what it is. Jaz will always have Jeremy, this is a life bond.
Nett just texted that she is on her way.
There was a Family Meeting here today with KVC and the guardian ad lidem. I wonder if that is how you spell that... I think the meeting went well. I just hope they find a way to help Jami. It seems like they brainstorm all the things they can do for her and then no much happens. I am not sure whose fault it is that so little gets done but it is frustrating. Now they say they have to have a court order to get Jami mental health help but I thought that was already done. I mean, they have long ago established that she needs help, haven't they?? Wasn't that part of what got her into the Family Works program?? It's not like she could have possibly recovered and not need help any more. It doesn't help that Jami doesn't cooperate more but I tried to tell them I can understand some of her feeling of hopelessness at trying.
I think, hope, Jess has recovered somewhat from her most recent trauma. There is just not much that could be done to help her or for her to help herself. I am still very interested to find out if security guard Dale is really an Omaha police officer and I do plan to find that out. But I council Jess not to dwell on it although that is hard with the threat of being attacked any time she walks out her front door.
Nett is here.

After The Ozz

We went to see Ozzy and Slash last night. It ws fun jsut preparing to go, both of us got new clothes for the concert and we wanted to get there early to get Jeremy shirts but got there a little late so we missed the begining of Slash while standing in line. We had pretty good seats, the 17th row off to the right of the stage. Jeremy was pretty upset I told him not to bring the camera because everyone else seemed to have brought one. I thought they would be enforcing the no camera rule, silly me. Slash was good, I texted Jami through their show feeling bad she wasn't there with us for it since she has always had a thing for slash. Jeremy was stunned that almost everyone stayed in their seats during Slash but when Ozzy came on it was a different story. He kept almost everyone standing for his whole show and he put on an amazing show considering he is a fossil. I joked a lot about how the handicap parking was full by the time we got there, we were an hour late for Kid Rock and there was plenty of handicap parking! but Ozz was getting around a lot better than I expected. I was up for his whole show, too, new boots and all. Jeremy was Jeremy in concert mode, jumping, yelling, and as usual as much fun to watch as the concert. I gave our number to a guy in front of us taking pictures and video offering to pay him for copies but haven't heard from him yet. I sure hope he calls, it would make Jeremy very happy. Jeremy was upset enough about it to want me to go bck out to the car and get the camera but I couldn't leave and get back in. It ended around 11 and we went to Village Inn and picked up Kira adn came home.

Snowy Snowy Day

We are in a snow storm. Supposed to be getting six to eight inches by tomorrow morning and it looks like we have gotten most of it. I had to get out in it to plate the van but hope to not go out again. School was canceled today and I hope it is tomorrow, too.
Kirk went into treatment this morning. I was planning to take him but with the snow we asked David to drive him there in his jeep. Now the real worry about Jami begins. I asked her a couple of hour ago if she had arranged anything for herself and she said she hadn't been feeling well this morning.
Nett's kids are here but she is coming to get them since she jsut found out she isn't working tonight.
We are working on taking the binky away from Kira, heartbreaking, and I have never had to take one before since none of the others liked them. She is playing with all of the kids right now but lately I think she likes hewr time alone with us here. She is such a little sweetie!!!!

Kira Birthday

We don't have any big plans for today, Kira gets a little ripped off with a birthday so soon after Christmas although not as bad as her mom. Jessalynn and Trace have the flu and we are all still beat from the holidays so it will be a simple turning of two for Kira. Jeremy is baking her a cake and we have a few party things and the grandkids are all here. Well, the Omaha ones are.

I finally bought a new laptop after getting a piece of crap trying to buy one at the pawn shop. I am pretty happy with this one.

The money I got is going very fast. I am trying to hang onto what little I have left for us to survive until Jeremy finishes school and finds work. It is hard with the kids needing and wanting so much but I have done about all I can for them without losing everything myself.

Jeanette is having a hard time on her own although Rob is helping. He is also telling her he has a couple of brain tumors that sound like they could be fatal if he is telling the truth. I am not sure what I believe. I can easily see him telling her he is dying for sympathy but I can also see something being wrong with his brain!!!!

Kirk is going into a 30 day drug treatment program Monday and I am very worried about what is going to happen with Jami. She should have set something up for herself, she has to go through a drug treatment program, too, but she didn't and she is in trouble with KVC for not going for her random drug tests since she got out of FW. She gets upset with me when I ask about what she is going to do. Today I asked if she was planing to stay at the trailer without Kirk and she said that she would have to until she could arrange something else and said that her phone getting cut off Friday stopped her from making arrangements. I said nothing, she knows I know she should have done something long before her phone got cut off Friday.

We are excited about the Ozzy concert coming up in a couple of weeks. Jeanette gave KVC her information and hopefully will be approved to babysit for us.

2011

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! We had all of our Omaha grandkids and Trace last night to bring in the hew year. Jami and Kirk spent the evening with Jess and Nett was with her friend, Helen. We didn't have a lot planned but we played Candyland with the bigger kids.
I only have one resolution, to cut down on pop consumption to save the rest of my teeth. Everything else would be ongoing efforts to make everything better. Maybe I should vow to stop trying to fix so many things around instead of more....
Jeremy starts CNA school February 28th and I hope to have our lives a little simpler by then. I need Nett to get a day job, and she needs it too, for the kids, so she can get them to bed earlier and be less stressed herself. Jeremy will be in school in the evenings and I don't know I can handle all of the kids every night without him here although of course I will do whatever I have to. I keep saying I am going toget more organized but, not only are my organization skills not getting any sharper with age, but I am not sure anyone could organize the life I try to lead.
I am happy with my life but I also regret there is so little time for Jeremy and me to just do things together, go out once in a while. It is fine for me but I think about how young he is and what I thought life should be like at his age. He is a wonderful grandfather to all these kids but I would love to see him able to have a good time like a 34 year old guy should. I gave him tickets to Ozzy for Christmas but am still worried if we will have a sitter for Kira. I hope he doesn't end up having to go alone!!! I too often feel like he gets ripped off choosing me but he refuses to consider a life otherwise for which I am grateful but feel guilty even though I did warn him what his life would be with me before we came here. Jess was mad at me the other day over BS like she does and she said "You just want to take everyone's kids!!" I could have laughed or cried. I have a man 20 years younger than me who is wildly fun and outgoing and we spend all of our time taking care of kids and we go out maybe once a year,less thanwhen I was married to a boring, old, deadbeat.
OK. Jeremy is in here.
Later.