Pre-Christmas

This isn't my first Christmas to be broke for the holidays, but it is the first for a while. I wouldn't care except for the kids. That hurts. We don't even have a tree But Philly called last night and said he has one for us. And Thanks to Jenny we have some gifts for Kira and Jessalynn, the two I worry about the most. But it still feels pretty bleak. I have always hated Christmas. Even when I can afford to buy for all I care about I hate thinking about those who can't. I hate that children are told that Santa gives them gifts according to how good they are during the year. I never taught my girls that and I wish no one did. We talk a lot about children who have low self esteem and feed it early with crap like this. I hear people talking about how they dislike all the commercialization a lot but I am the only one I ever hear talking about this. Why?

December 2011

I didn't tell my children that there was a Santa. Not just because we were in a cult that didn't recognize it but because I hated so many things about it. Number 1: Kids are taught that they get what they ask for if they are good. Yea, I hate the whole commercialization thing, too, but that is what burns me up the most. How many children who are poor think they weren't good enough??? And we are poor this year. I'm sure Nett's kids will get gifts from their father's family, Jazz will be taken care of by Meez, but what about Jessalynn and our Kira??? I worry about Jessalynn the most. Kira is too little to really care much. I think Jessalynn doubts the whole Santa thing but she is trying to believe this year again and I just feel like telling her the truth. It will still burn that she gets so little but I think it would sting less. She tells me that there are kids in her class saying there is no Santa and adds that those kids will be on the naughty list and not get presents. I have a gift for her stashed but no hope for getting her or anyone else anything else. Jeremy's unemployment never started, not sure why because he is a doush who hasn't bothered to call and check. Jenny checked with Toys for Tots but they say they are out of gifts. Patrick has never contributed to the Santa thing and always says he has a limit like $20 that he can spend on her. 

My phone is off this month and I lost my auto insurance. I am not sure how we will even just survive. Jaz and Kira are finally in diapers during the day which saves a lot of money. Jeanette is taking care of herself and her children more which helps, too. but we are living on my SSI and the little we get for Kira and there are no extras at all. Jeremy is always looking for work but there is little to find that he can do and there is always the stress of how he will get back and forth without getting in a wreck. With the accidents we didn't profit on iota when he was working last time. We still have to pay a $350. fine for his last ticket for reckless driving in the next two months.

Santa must die.