I'm an old woman

I started feeling old within the last 2 years. Before that I knew I was old, I knew I was disabled and lived with pain, but I didn't  truly feel old. I do now. I even expect to not live much longer at this point. When Kira tells me about plans for her 16th birthday party I'm terrified, terrified I won't be alive by then.
Maybe I started feeling old because I started looking old. When I look in the mirror I don't even recognize myself anymore. I see a tired, ugly, old woman.
If I ever pictured surviving to old age I thought it would be like the elderly relatives I visited when I was a little girl. They shuffled around their houses, has prepared simple meals, and knitted, wrote poetry, didn't seem to really do a whole lot strenuous things. My old age seems to be going much differently. 
The granddaughters living with me are 10 years old now and they are starting to learn to help with things around the house but for the last 10 years I have been the main one who took care of all the housework except when Jeremy wasn't working and he would do it when it got so bad it had to be done. Many days I spend three hours standing in the kitchen washing dishes just blocking out the pain making myself keep going until it's done. I mow the lawn using a weed eater cuz I don't have a lawn mower. I make sure I do the front yard and then do as much as I can if the back before it gets too painful to go on. If I am unable to do these things they usually just don't get done. If I am laid up sick for a few days it often feels like recovering is more of a curse than a blessing. I awaken to piles of dishes, piles of laundry, and filth everywhere.
Jasmine and Kira are the only grandchildren living with me full time right now, they're 10 years old, and they are what keeps me going. I love them more than anything in the world and they do bring me great joy and great pride, but I don't feel Joy for life like I used to. I remember it, I just don't feel it. I remember years ago on the farm walking outside in the morning listening to the birds, looking at the sky, smelling things growing all around me and just loving feeling alive, feeling overjoyed that there was a new day ahead of me. I never feel that anymore.
Where did the rest of this entry go?

From 2019, after Homeless Entry

Its hardly a daily journal is it? But when I look at the entries here I'm not surprised I stoppd writing...

I'm assuming that Homeless entry was when we lost the house on Grand Ave. Meezy saved us then, offered us a house he was buying to flip. We lived there over two years. It was a continuance of disaster but I finally got a grip and we've been doing muchmuch better although some things haven't changed. 

Jeanette got it together. She got her own house for a year and then met her man, David, lives with him now and is a very happy woman. She manages a float spa, is trying to get pregnant and lives in a very nice home in west Omaha.

I rented a nice four bedroom house in north O. Yes, its the ghetto but a decent street with good neighbors even if there have been five shootings within  block of our house in the two years we've been here. 
We did "get back on our feet" 
Jeremy has  been working at Ford Storage for over a year. Jami was living with us and going g to the Methadone clinic for about a year a half. Until last December when she was arrested on drug charges. I  believed it was all a big mess up from her trying to help her friend, Brandy, and it may have been to some degree.  I was hysterical when it happened, let Kirk move in to help raise the $4,000 to bond her out. Got her in about a week but then a week later she was arrested for shoplifting. Christmas shopping with plenty of money. Insanity. I'll tell all that later. 
Jess also lives here. Has a room upstairs  next to the girls room. She is the same for 10 years except she's more involved in taking care of the girls. She usually hates me, but that too is another story.
Jazz and Kira are thriving in spite of everything else. They are very active do very well in school. They are terribly spoiled but not beyond repair. They still have  very sweet hearts and the desire to be and do well.
Jessalynn doesn't live with us, she lives with Patrick, but I pick her up after school most days so she is here a lot.  We have a pretty amazing relationship. She is amazing, a 17 year old unicorn. 
Jeremy and I have been working out a new relationship. In not sure what you call it. We are partners, we take care of each other. We raise the girls together. We still in some way love each other. There is No romance, we don't even share a room. But there is Something  between us that is good, just don't have words for it.
Jeanette was living in Elkhorn but just moved much closer so hopefully I will see more of them than I have the last year.
Teresa died last month and Mikey  brought the girls down for the service. They are just awesome! I had pretty much given up on ever knowing them but maybe not. There is definitely a bond there and I probably have Mikey to thank for that.
Typing this on a phone is exhausting. Figuring out how to get a laptop or a keyboard for a tablet.