I started feeling old within the last 2 years. Before that I knew I was old, I knew I was disabled and lived with pain, but I didn't truly feel old. I do now. I even expect to not live much longer at this point. When Kira tells me about plans for her 16th birthday party I'm terrified, terrified I won't be alive by then.
Maybe I started feeling old because I started looking old. When I look in the mirror I don't even recognize myself anymore. I see a tired, ugly, old woman.
If I ever pictured surviving to old age I thought it would be like the elderly relatives I visited when I was a little girl. They shuffled around their houses, has prepared simple meals, and knitted, wrote poetry, didn't seem to really do a whole lot strenuous things. My old age seems to be going much differently.
The granddaughters living with me are 10 years old now and they are starting to learn to help with things around the house but for the last 10 years I have been the main one who took care of all the housework except when Jeremy wasn't working and he would do it when it got so bad it had to be done. Many days I spend three hours standing in the kitchen washing dishes just blocking out the pain making myself keep going until it's done. I mow the lawn using a weed eater cuz I don't have a lawn mower. I make sure I do the front yard and then do as much as I can if the back before it gets too painful to go on. If I am unable to do these things they usually just don't get done. If I am laid up sick for a few days it often feels like recovering is more of a curse than a blessing. I awaken to piles of dishes, piles of laundry, and filth everywhere.
Jasmine and Kira are the only grandchildren living with me full time right now, they're 10 years old, and they are what keeps me going. I love them more than anything in the world and they do bring me great joy and great pride, but I don't feel Joy for life like I used to. I remember it, I just don't feel it. I remember years ago on the farm walking outside in the morning listening to the birds, looking at the sky, smelling things growing all around me and just loving feeling alive, feeling overjoyed that there was a new day ahead of me. I never feel that anymore.
Where did the rest of this entry go?
Maybe I started feeling old because I started looking old. When I look in the mirror I don't even recognize myself anymore. I see a tired, ugly, old woman.
If I ever pictured surviving to old age I thought it would be like the elderly relatives I visited when I was a little girl. They shuffled around their houses, has prepared simple meals, and knitted, wrote poetry, didn't seem to really do a whole lot strenuous things. My old age seems to be going much differently.
The granddaughters living with me are 10 years old now and they are starting to learn to help with things around the house but for the last 10 years I have been the main one who took care of all the housework except when Jeremy wasn't working and he would do it when it got so bad it had to be done. Many days I spend three hours standing in the kitchen washing dishes just blocking out the pain making myself keep going until it's done. I mow the lawn using a weed eater cuz I don't have a lawn mower. I make sure I do the front yard and then do as much as I can if the back before it gets too painful to go on. If I am unable to do these things they usually just don't get done. If I am laid up sick for a few days it often feels like recovering is more of a curse than a blessing. I awaken to piles of dishes, piles of laundry, and filth everywhere.
Jasmine and Kira are the only grandchildren living with me full time right now, they're 10 years old, and they are what keeps me going. I love them more than anything in the world and they do bring me great joy and great pride, but I don't feel Joy for life like I used to. I remember it, I just don't feel it. I remember years ago on the farm walking outside in the morning listening to the birds, looking at the sky, smelling things growing all around me and just loving feeling alive, feeling overjoyed that there was a new day ahead of me. I never feel that anymore.
Where did the rest of this entry go?
