10 day countdown

 So, I have to survive 10 days to the procedure and then survive the procedure and then make it to that 1 year mark of safety. Piece of cake. 

I ask why get the miracle of them accidentally finding this aneurysm and then die from it anyway? For the viscous irony maybe.  Or a chance to say goodbyes?? Should I be saying them? I am trying to make some kind of plans for my death but it all seems so impossible.  

I know they will all survive without me.  I just have no clue how.  I've talked to Meezy, he has promised to take care of them but I have no idea how and doubt he does either. Actually I only asked for one thing. I asked him to promise that Jess would Never be homeless. He gave that promise and then added the rest. 

I want the girls to finish growing up together but I also don't see how that would happen unless Meezy really can do it. I see his family stepping in and claiming Jazz but his mother doesn't care for Kira at all.

I've always rather depended on Jeanette stepping on but now with her health failing and her personal problems with repairing her relationship with David I doubt she can do it. Plus her animosity towards Jess over how Jess treats me ~ that's a mess. 

I have talked to Joey about looking out for Kira. She is more than willing but so Young!! Mikey agreed years ago to be executor of estate for Kira but I never put it on paper. At the time I felt very badly about the insult to Jeremy in that BUT Jeremy is Not capable of managing anyone, not even himself. 

I go around and around and always come back to I CAN'T DIE YET. 

But oh Lord I might!!

Waiting

 Has time ever crawled by this slowly? 

My WEB Procedure is scheduled for March 10th and the days are passing So Slow. Time has been passing in a blur for years but now a day feels like a week. 

Should I be making final arrangements? Do I have any to make that will matter? Good bys to say?

I can't forget about it at all. My head hurts constantly as it has for over a year. Some days I can barely see. Am I going to survive this?

Miracle for WHO

 Some believe I just experienced a Miracle and I suppose I did.

Last Tuesday I had extremely blurred central vision. My daughter told me to check my BP which was a little high, 145/105. I took a Metoprolol and it continued to climb over the next 4 hours. At 170/120 my left hand went numb. I called my doctor, Co Tho Ho, MD whose nurse advised I come in at noon to be checked. Dr. ho called back in 20 minutes and told me to go straight to the ER to be looked at. When I got to Immanuel ER I was triaged immediately and began Stroke Protocal testing and was admitted. 

All of the basic tests were done and 2 CAT scans followed by an MRI were done. 

NO CAUSE FOR MY SYMPTOMS were found. 

BUT while looking a brain aneurysm was "accidentally" found. 

They say an aneurysm like mine was never found until it ruptured. Purely an accidental discovery.

I still went through another day of testing looking for the cause of the original synotoms. Bloodwork, heart CAT scan, a thoroughal opthmalogical exam. NO CAUSE OF SYMOTOMS was found and those symptoms just disappeared. 

Without them I would likely have died and the aneurysm found in my autopsy.

So I am sitting here with WHY.

My Life?? I have very little value and I know it. Have known it for years. 

So I think of the disciples questioning why a man was born blind. Was it his sin or the din of his fathers. Jesus replies that it was Neither, that it was simply so those present could witness Jesus healing him.

So I am looking. WHO is MY miracle for?

Maybe no one if I don't share it.