This House

 I often think I should say something about this house.  This Home.  How unbelievably peaceful it feels,  especially after living in the war zone on Meredith! I almost always feel safe here.  Even going outside at night.  Jess walks Nova here,  makes about a half mile loup around the house.  Most of the people around here are gone owners and I see very little gang activity even though we are still in North O. At the other house it was Loud music and people yelling,  drunk,  high, etc. at least every week ends.  I haven't seen one night like that here.  

We might actually be the most dangerous house around here.  

Jami stress

 She is so very much stress on a household! I wish I could fix it but I don't think I can.  Jami just will Not work to get along.  Not really.  She tried to act like she is " conforming " to 'family life' but it is always just trying to get away with whatever she can and denying doing anything wrong whenever she is called out,  exactly like living with a juvenile delinquent who happens to be 48 years old.  A lot of it is just the Meth. The life style and the people it brings.  I tell her to Keep That Out of Here but she just sneaks,  does whatever she wants. Kira was trying to explain how her mom must be laughing in my face all of the time and I had to tell her that I'm already fully aware. More like slapping me in the face. It's the drugs,  the bad traffic,  the mess,  the total disrespect for everyone in this house.  If confronted she always claims that She is the Victim.  But she isn't at all.  Some days it feels like we are all being held hostage here.  And I am out front taking the bullets when they come because no one else dares confront her but I am always asked to.  It's much like Jeremy.  Everyone said it was my Fault he was here (until it wasn't) (then I was the bad guy) and they all say it is my fault that she is here.  It is.  I let her move in against everyone's wishes.  Maybe Every Time.  

I just know we can't go on like this.  Shouldn't go on like this.  Won't go on like this. 

How to make it end???

And should I? I don't forget that this house chose Jeremy over me. I only had Jami here.  I'm not sure how I'd survive here without her.  If she had been here for that last confrontation with Brandon it would have gone completely differently. I was standing all alone.  

And that is something easily harder to deal with than Anything Jami does. 

Jeanette laser eye surgery

 Today the Dr is going to repair the holes he found in Jeanette's retina a couple of weeks ago.  It is her only remaining eye so it's quite terrifying.  I believe it will go well but don't know what the future of this last she will be.  She was unable to go in far her she check up for 2 years, I think she is supposed to go every 6 months,  and that is likely why this got so bad. I've been so afraid of her going blind ever since this started and I'm sure she is,  too. Jess and I talk about it,  about how she will Have To help here,  especially now that she will have this house. 

But I pray she has many years of vision left!!

Talking to myself

 When I'm told I am taking to myself I have often jokingly replies that I do it because I am the only one who listens to me. That's really not a joke any more.  Partly old age. Partly being surrounded by ass holes. But yesterday I intentionally talked to myself while working outside,  letting myself say all of the things I don't say out loud.  Over an hour I ranted letting it All Out.  I was hoping it might release some tension. Nope. Pretty sure it made it worse!