Too little change...

It's a dreary life. Nothing much has changed except I decided to not live in filth anymore. I started with putting up a note above the kitchen sink asking everyone to please clean up after themselves. That was a waste of paper. So, now I am simply doing it myself and getting a little more bitter every day. I wonder how long before I just run away from home???
I divided up thee rent and utilities between Jeremy, Kirk, and myself and somehow I am still scrambling to get the bills paid and have nothing left for myself while everyone else in this house has spending money for recreational things. Kirk makes quite a bit more than Jeremy or me but Jeremy and I make about the same and even he has a lot more money than I do. But then again, I didn't add up and divide the household expenses and no one else thinks to buy little things like toilet paper, laundry soap, dish soap, etc. I should do something about that...
Jess is going to start working only three days a week after this week and that will give me a little break physically but taking her back and forth to work is one of the simplest things I have to do. We usually have things to talk about and I often think she is the only one who hears me when I talk. Or don't talk. Her time is getting close. I think she is about eight months along now and having more and more trouble getting around and doing what she needs to do. Fortunately, she is going to be getting some help from the state when she slows down working and then more when she has to quit to have the baby.
Jami sleeps all day and Kirk sleeps whenever he isn't at work, he does work full time, and Jeremy works about thirty hours a week and lays in bed watching TV the rest of the time. He will help me if I ask but will stand in a filthy house and ask if there is anything he can do for me and it infuriates me when the answers are everywhere but he knows it takes more trouble to guide him step by step than to just do what he can plainly see needs to be done. I don't even try to ask Jami and Kirk. I know they both have eyes, too, and brains to know that I am the driver and maid here and yet see fit to do little or nothing. It would be easier to have a houseful of children because they can be assigned chores and you can take away privileges or something if they don't do them. And you expect them to not just know what needs to be done.
this does no good, ranting here, either, but maybe relieves a little stress to put it into words. I go about my days in silence mostly having nothing to say to anyone like my tongue is bitten off from the things I hold back from saying all of the time. Everyone notices. Everyone knows what is bothering me. No one here cares.
Then why do I care so very much about everything??? Am I so delusional that I actually think I might be setting some kind of example to do for others? Or maybe I just have a giving nature??? No. I think I am not only terrified of confrontation but I feel it is just useless in the long run. I have to drive everyone around so they will work and I can't stand to live in conditions that seem to bother no one but me.
How long until I decide this is all BS??????

My Life Today

Ahh, this life is getting to me. I need some kind of break perhaps to recharge. I could be getting a break if Jami can get a driver's license and take over some of the driving, especially the morning drive to the Methadone clinic. But I could be needing even more than that, and I won't get it any time in the near future. I drive Kirk and Jami to the Methadone Clinic every morning. I take Kirk to work at two and pick him up at eleven pm. I take Jessica to work at eleven am and pick her up around two thirty pm. I take Jeremy back and forth to work on no set schedule. I take care of Jessalynn while Jessica works and have her and Jeanette's kids every Saturday night. The grandchildren parts are nice, the Saturday nights are totally my choice. And school will be starting again in twelve days and I will be responsible for getting Jessalynn to and from school unless by some miracle she is approved for bussing out of her district back to Benson West, we should know about that in five days, but even then I will likely be responsible to drive her to the nearest elementary school every day to catch that bus. Then Jessica will have her new baby girl in October and need a lot of help with Jeanette giving birth to another boy in November and then Jami (boy? girl?) in January. Jeanette won't need a lot of help but the other two most likely will and I will be glad to help with their babies! but I am wearing out and sometimes even afraid. I don't have the time or energy for a good relationship with Jeremy any more. Not what he wants from me. We never have the time or money to do anything together and are seldom even alone. I even try to tell him sometimes that I am no good for him and that he should move on but that enrages and hurts him to hear. Although it is at least a little true. Some part of him must know that.
But am I happy with my life overall??? I would answer that yes in spite of the stress and pain I live with. I am surrounded by loving family by choice and wouldn't give that up for anything. I wish more of them were around, Lindsey, Mikey, Joey, Michelle...
But I'm terribly afraid of overload. My tongue is bloody lately becasuse I am so stressed out I clench my teeth all the time and have my tongue pressed hard against them. My back hurts so badly by the end of the day sometimes it feels like I'm not takng Morphine, at 120 mgs. a day!, and Hydrocodone. Just raw, harsh pain so it is hard to even walk. It is my heart that wants all I have and keeps me going. Nothing else. My mind and body know I am overtaxing both. I keep up with all our bills to keep my full household going and try to help Jessica and sometimes Jeanette keep theirs going, too, with never enough money. I ache watching Jessica working double shifts all the time, seven months pregnant now!, and still barely able to pay her bills. Jeanette has lost her phone and many other things since losing her job. It all hurts. I want to fix it all for them and can't so I do every little thing I am able to.
Heart is an amazing thing. Love. I love them all so very much.

Busy Day/Kirk's Family

Yesterday was the busy day. Jenise and Jessalynn had spent the night and we waited on Jeanette and Rob to bring Robbie so we could go swimming Saturday. Robbie got here an hour late but we still went to the pool. Jenise and Robbie were both afraid of the deep pool and Robbie adjusted quicker than Jenise. Jenise wouldn't trust her floatie, she had to cling to one of us, too, and preferred playing on the wide steps into the shallow end. Robbie was game to float around clinging to a floatie with one of us near to guide him but he seemed more thoughtful about the swim than thrilled. Jessalynn was a little put out that tJenise and Robbie needed so much attention because she is an old hand at this pool thing. She can and does go all over the pool with floaties, but I had Jeremy watch the little ones a couple of times and took Jessalynn swimming with me and that made things better. I left Jeremy at the pool with the kids for a half hour while I went and picked up Jessica from work and then I went back for a quick dip and we headed home around four because Jeremy had to be to work at four thirty. AND we had company over for a fajita dinner. Kirk's three daughters, one of their boyfriends, and an ex-boyfriend of Kirk's ex-wife, and four children (two belonging to the ex-wife's friend and two to Kirk's daughter). Jami was a nervous wreck about the planned dinner and yelling at Kirk for I'm not sure what while getting ready in the morning and then angry all through the visit because Kirk was drinking beer while he was bar-b-queing the fajitas, he had a total of four beers for which Jami still hadn't forgiven him when it was bed time, sleeping on the couch in the living room to express her anger through the first part of the night. I also went and picked up Jessica for the evening because Jami wanted her family properly represented. The evening went quite well aside from Jami's anger at Kirk. Kirk's daughters seem to be really sweet girls, the youngest almost seventeen and the oldest twenty two.
I was in terrible pain by the end of the day. I think it was playing at the pool, lifting the kids in and out and just playing too long for me and then rushing home to get the fajita dinner prepared. I could hardly walk when it was time to take Jessica home but I had Jeremy rub some Voltaren Jell on my back and I took some hydrocodone and Soma and feel quite a bit better this morning.
Today is going to be our hottest day yet with the temp prediction at 99 degrees. I am NOT looking forward to the times I have to get out today...

BS

JP called last week and told Jami that Lindsey was in a mental institution for attacking Jennylu and told Jami that he was sending Lindsey here. Then he called the next day and said that he didn't want her coming here, that he was planning to send her to Boy's Town here, and then later he called and said he wasn't sending her up here at all but that she was going into a girls correctional facility. And through all of this he is telling Jami that she signed away all of her parental rights when he got Lindsey several years ago but Mikey says that all Jami signed was permission for JP to take Lindsey out of state. Jami is still checking on that. It is all soooo frustrating, mostly because there is no way to verify anything that JP says and we all know he is a consumate liar and that he acts more out of his own spitefulness than in Lindsey's best interest any day. Everyone Jami has consuled agrees with me that Lindsey's problem sounds largely environmental and that it would be good ofr her to be with her mother, which is the one thing she is asking for down there and the one thing being denied her. Well, not the ONE thing being denied her. She gets denied a lot of things for misbehaving and she gets denied the priviledge of living in a 100% loving environment being with Jennylu, who is afraid of her at best.