My Life Today

Ahh, this life is getting to me. I need some kind of break perhaps to recharge. I could be getting a break if Jami can get a driver's license and take over some of the driving, especially the morning drive to the Methadone clinic. But I could be needing even more than that, and I won't get it any time in the near future. I drive Kirk and Jami to the Methadone Clinic every morning. I take Kirk to work at two and pick him up at eleven pm. I take Jessica to work at eleven am and pick her up around two thirty pm. I take Jeremy back and forth to work on no set schedule. I take care of Jessalynn while Jessica works and have her and Jeanette's kids every Saturday night. The grandchildren parts are nice, the Saturday nights are totally my choice. And school will be starting again in twelve days and I will be responsible for getting Jessalynn to and from school unless by some miracle she is approved for bussing out of her district back to Benson West, we should know about that in five days, but even then I will likely be responsible to drive her to the nearest elementary school every day to catch that bus. Then Jessica will have her new baby girl in October and need a lot of help with Jeanette giving birth to another boy in November and then Jami (boy? girl?) in January. Jeanette won't need a lot of help but the other two most likely will and I will be glad to help with their babies! but I am wearing out and sometimes even afraid. I don't have the time or energy for a good relationship with Jeremy any more. Not what he wants from me. We never have the time or money to do anything together and are seldom even alone. I even try to tell him sometimes that I am no good for him and that he should move on but that enrages and hurts him to hear. Although it is at least a little true. Some part of him must know that.
But am I happy with my life overall??? I would answer that yes in spite of the stress and pain I live with. I am surrounded by loving family by choice and wouldn't give that up for anything. I wish more of them were around, Lindsey, Mikey, Joey, Michelle...
But I'm terribly afraid of overload. My tongue is bloody lately becasuse I am so stressed out I clench my teeth all the time and have my tongue pressed hard against them. My back hurts so badly by the end of the day sometimes it feels like I'm not takng Morphine, at 120 mgs. a day!, and Hydrocodone. Just raw, harsh pain so it is hard to even walk. It is my heart that wants all I have and keeps me going. Nothing else. My mind and body know I am overtaxing both. I keep up with all our bills to keep my full household going and try to help Jessica and sometimes Jeanette keep theirs going, too, with never enough money. I ache watching Jessica working double shifts all the time, seven months pregnant now!, and still barely able to pay her bills. Jeanette has lost her phone and many other things since losing her job. It all hurts. I want to fix it all for them and can't so I do every little thing I am able to.
Heart is an amazing thing. Love. I love them all so very much.