Write it and Hide it

Ok. I dont like the way this works. I edited a word in this and it republished with today's date but it was written in 2006 or 2007.

Yep. that is what happens to anything I write that I am afraid will offend or piss anyone off by giving my opinions or thoughts. And that is what I think I do in life, too. I think things that never come out of my mouth. At least not towards who I direct them at. Some poor ill mannered woman cut in front of me standing in line at the bank today and I called her a whore and was ready to go a few rounds but she chose to leave. I wasn't even in any kind of a hurry.
I just don't get so many, many things that I let happen to me and say nothing about until I am attacking strangers and indulging in dangerous road rage.
I am a coward. Is that really it?? I think that was true at one time. The last time I came here from Texas I was terrified of my children. Terrified of facing their cruelty and rejection again. It didn't happen. They welcomed me with open arms that I soon learned to trust. But maybe I still had some of that fear. I don't know but somehow I became the ultimate doormat and still am although I like to think for different reasons. I like to think that I am showing them grace under fire, unconditional love and the the Buddhist way or something. The few times I have tried to face one of my daughters down I have quickly abandoned it or ended up in the hospital. Not that Nett or Jess would ever put me in the hospital. Maybe the grave, but not the hospital.
Jeremy and I came here in answer to a plea from Jami who was about to lose her whole world. Our first loss was everything we left behind in Texas, just material things, but all of the things my mother left me and all of Jeremy's past. That stung a little but we had to just understand that the promise to take us to get our things took a back seat to everything else going on. We were stuck here without even a place to stay after working to clean up Mikey's house so he could get the girls back. then Patrick stood up I'm sure from Jess's influence and we went and stayed there until I got my settlement. During that time we starved, I smoked cigarette butts off the ground, Jeremy stole food and got caught three times so he can't get a decent job now because of that on his record. We walked over ten miles a day for weeks getting our medical help set up with General Assistance and DHS and started getting bus passes from GA. We got bikes for trips to the store or anywhere we wanted to go after I couldn't walk any more and then I fell and couldn't ride either so we walked miles and miles. Jami couldn't help us. She was homeless herself on the streets in Council Bluffs with a bad addiction problem. Jeremy and I would take the bus there every weekend and track her down to check on her. She who had the least at that time did the most for us even if she had to steal to get me real cigarettes and food. I don't ever forget that no matter what has happened between us and turn a deaf ear to everyone when I buy her cigarettes and pass her a few bucks when I can. Patrick's was just a place to sleep. We bought or stole us all food when they couldn't and watched them smoke and bring in fast food when they were doing good. Jess bought me two packs of cigarettes during that eight months or so. i didn't contact Nett when I got to town and no one else told her we were here either. the last two times I had been in Omaha had been terrible with her and Rob. they believed every lie Mike told about me and worse and when we came here to see Jenise after she was born Jeremy had to demand they pick us up at the bus station and take us to a hotel where we rotted. Jess brought us spaghetti once. We didn't even have a fork but were so hungry we ate with our fingers. Jami saved us at the last minute before we were about to hop a freight to get back to Houston after living in the park. I can hardly believe Jeremy ever came back here with me but that is the beauty of him. He was terrified for me to be here alone with them.
Then things changed. I got my disability settlement of about $27,000. Then we were people again. We rented a house and when Patrick came having trouble not long after were able to repay him for giving us a place to sleep and gave him about a thousand dollars. We paid Nett and Rob's bills one month, gave them a thousand dollars for a wedding present the next, and then Rob asked to borrow $1800. for recording equipment that turned into $2200. and we did that, too. Jess was miserable with Patrick so we went and moved her and Jessalynn in with us rent free for over a year. I gave her a choice of the upstairs or the basement and she chose the basement apartment and lived down there like a mole with all her trash piling up outside her room until the basement was full of it and her dog shit everywhere so the house smelt like a zoo but I was already in say nothing mode. Jeremy did all of the cooking and cleaning because by this time I was in a wheel chair with a herniated disc. We bought a junker car and became the transportation for the house. I paid the rent up for four months at a time to be sure we had a home. Jeremy didn't get a job either for the first four years. We just ate up my settlement pretty fast. We found Jami and Kirk and put them in a hotel until we found an apartment for them and furnished it with what they needed. Jeremy got a job and got Kirk on with him but I don't think they were ever able to pay their rent with their drug addiction that I was still pretty clueless about how bad it was. I thought I could save them both. Jeanette and Rob were both working. Had a nice house, two new cars, fully extended credit cards and informed me that I would never get paid back for the recording equipment. Instead I went and babysat for them every day so they could make money. Watched them buy new clothes, movies, $3. a loaf breads, and drive their new cars. I did try to ask for my money back once and Jeanette got angry and I backed off and never mentioned it again.
It wasn't long before the money was gone. Jess got approved for section 8 housing and moved into a very nice townhome.

November 8, 2020

I am amazed at the weather, sitting outside in a tee shirt in November,  thank you global warming I guess, but it will freeze tomorrow night so i am bringing in my plants today. I got a 4 ft fluorescent light that I hope will keep them alive thru winter as although I dont think it will grow vegetables like I was hoping to this winter. That would require a real grow light that I cant afford.

Money is tight to put it lightly. Jeremy is getting a small amount of unemployment that helps but that will run out before long. I am very afraid for him to go back to work.  Covid is a worry for everyone this year but we live in a "hot spot" getting hotter by the day. And he is careless even when he is being careful. I barely trust him to go to the store safely. It is very hard to get him to take anything seriously and then add to that that his very nature is careless. He doesn't see Possible Consequence. He will put a drill with the bit still in it on a high shelf with the cord hanging down and then get upset if I say it is dangerously placed. That's just one example. I thought I could teach him but after years of things like this I had to realize that he just Doesn't See possible Consequence so I am hyper vigilant with him. Then came Covid. I went shopping with him many times watching him touch everything he looked at, reminding him that that was dangerous,  before he began to be a little more cautious but I still have to worry what he is like shopping without me. As my health has deteriorated I have had to trust him to do the shopping more and more and it is terrifying. I watch and too often still have to remind him to even wash his hands when he comes home. I know I will have to figure out how to isolate him from the family if he returns to working outside the home. S ok I as m trying to figure out how to survive on just my income. 

It may not be possible.

Right now I have been driving my car without plates for over a year and Jeremy's plates have been expired for months. Neither of us have a spare tire and Jeremy's car barely runs. We have a disconnect on the gas and water that is over 600. We had a little cushion that I hoped to get a vehicle legal with but we spent it trying to save Kiras cat. We were visiting Jessalynn in Lincoln on weekends but I have been afraid to without a spare tire the last month. Before Tiggy got sick I always had at least 200 in the bank that I could buy a tire and/or get a tow with. 

A bright spot.  I've started connecting with Kirk's mother, Dolly, who turns out to be someone I can actually talk to, someone who lives a similar life and understands. It actually helps a lot. It is also an added worry,  adding someone to my life who I might lose and grieve the loss of. But I believe she is worth that risk, and I believe she is equally happy to have someone who understands Her life.

Thank you, Dolly Mundell.

My Brother Michael

There is a book with that title, I believe written by Mary Stewart. This is not that.

A few days ago Mike messaged me that his wife had left him. I am stunned how much i hurt for him. Not surprised, I expect to feel any pain that he feels because I love him. It's the magnitude of what I feel that startles me. I can't go to him but I am so much already with him that the pain is stifling.  We are not close, haven't been for 18 years. He, in fact, has hurt me more than anyone in my life, and my heart aches for him.