November 8, 2020

I am amazed at the weather, sitting outside in a tee shirt in November,  thank you global warming I guess, but it will freeze tomorrow night so i am bringing in my plants today. I got a 4 ft fluorescent light that I hope will keep them alive thru winter as although I dont think it will grow vegetables like I was hoping to this winter. That would require a real grow light that I cant afford.

Money is tight to put it lightly. Jeremy is getting a small amount of unemployment that helps but that will run out before long. I am very afraid for him to go back to work.  Covid is a worry for everyone this year but we live in a "hot spot" getting hotter by the day. And he is careless even when he is being careful. I barely trust him to go to the store safely. It is very hard to get him to take anything seriously and then add to that that his very nature is careless. He doesn't see Possible Consequence. He will put a drill with the bit still in it on a high shelf with the cord hanging down and then get upset if I say it is dangerously placed. That's just one example. I thought I could teach him but after years of things like this I had to realize that he just Doesn't See possible Consequence so I am hyper vigilant with him. Then came Covid. I went shopping with him many times watching him touch everything he looked at, reminding him that that was dangerous,  before he began to be a little more cautious but I still have to worry what he is like shopping without me. As my health has deteriorated I have had to trust him to do the shopping more and more and it is terrifying. I watch and too often still have to remind him to even wash his hands when he comes home. I know I will have to figure out how to isolate him from the family if he returns to working outside the home. S ok I as m trying to figure out how to survive on just my income. 

It may not be possible.

Right now I have been driving my car without plates for over a year and Jeremy's plates have been expired for months. Neither of us have a spare tire and Jeremy's car barely runs. We have a disconnect on the gas and water that is over 600. We had a little cushion that I hoped to get a vehicle legal with but we spent it trying to save Kiras cat. We were visiting Jessalynn in Lincoln on weekends but I have been afraid to without a spare tire the last month. Before Tiggy got sick I always had at least 200 in the bank that I could buy a tire and/or get a tow with. 

A bright spot.  I've started connecting with Kirk's mother, Dolly, who turns out to be someone I can actually talk to, someone who lives a similar life and understands. It actually helps a lot. It is also an added worry,  adding someone to my life who I might lose and grieve the loss of. But I believe she is worth that risk, and I believe she is equally happy to have someone who understands Her life.

Thank you, Dolly Mundell.