Breaking the Grief/Depression Cycle

I am choosing Life again. 

It is true that I have known a lot of suffering, pain, and grief. It is also true that I have not only known Great Joy but I have been blessed to see miracles in my life.

The fact that I am alive is a miracle itself. When I was a child I was certain that I would live to grow up because I felt I had Purpose. 

I just need to remember that.

I'm not Done.

And I still have my Jrnise. Robby. Riley, Jazz and sometimes Kira. I will live no matter hour much others want me dead. 

Grieving

Still grieving, have that heart ripped out, punched in the gut someone just died feeling. How long will this go on?? It feels like I used all my healing after all the past deaths and losses. Less like waiting to heal and more like waiting, hoping to die. Maybe that's why I went from 5 cigarettes a day with a quit date to chain smoking. I remember Mom hating Daddy for not quitting smoking and dying and leaving us and wonder if he just didn't care either. I've always thought it was just that he thought he was invincible.  Maybe he did. I know I'm not. 

I still talk to Jessalynn in my head day and night. Its worst at night. jeremy is sleeping in my room babysitting me. I want to tell him to go sleep in his more comfortable Man Cave but I selfishly haven't because I can't breathe when I'm alone.  Don't want to breathe. 

I wonder at the hill Jessalynn chose to die on. After endless demands that I get rid of Jeremy she sticks her nose in our relationship to tell me I am disgustingly mean to him. That the way i treat him is Disgusting

 She never softened that when she saw it upset me,  repeated it 3 times.  Funny her words on it. She kept saying "You said you wanted to leave him in the mud". That rolls around my head because it makes No Sense. What Mud??? Did this really escalated over a misunderstanding?? She said it like she was quoting me. Maybe leaving someone in the Mud is an expression I'm not familiar with?? One of several questions I would ask her. 

I'll never get thr chance to ask. It reminds me of Meredith musing what her mothers unfinished sentence was. Tell Meredith not to _______. Meredith's mother was too dead to explain. So is Jessalynn.

My only sunshine is that the love of my life, my precious Jenise,   who might be my mother! would Never dream of hurting me or even being disrespectful.  She tells me to Live for her and iDo.

New Year

Not much Happpy about anything. 2020 was harsh to say the least and I dont see much better ahead.  

I miss having a big family. I HATE what happened with Jessalynn. And see no way to fix it. I am sorry that I lashed out at her for saying that I'm "disgusting", that the way I treat Jeremy is Disgusting.   but I also don't forgive her for it. Maybe it's her generation? I would have cut my tongue out before I told my grandma that the way  she treated grandaddy was disgusting! I also know she will never apologize for it. I've often wondered over the years at how mean and heartless she can be (like with her friends) about people but she cries watching sad TV shows.  Weird but I know there is probably a clue in that...

It is funny that she started this being so mad at me for being mean to Jeremy and then went to "tell her side" to Jeanette who once spit in his face. Not to mention that Jessalynn spent Months telling me how terrible Jeremy was and that I should, that I would,  throw him out if I cared about my family. I'd I was a"decent person" She was relentless about it. I did tell him what she was saying and say that maybe he really should leave,  but I also made the usual excuses for him,  his mental limitations etc. but then after a while I just started agreeing with her because there is no arguement with her. And Yes, I do believe, hope, this implacability is a phase of being a New Adult.  18 with one semester of psychology and she's telling me how to raise the kids and to throw Jeremy out. She only stopped hacking on Jeremy when she realized that Brandon liked Jeremy, which she totally did not expect to happen!!"

Jeremy, by the way, has been amazing since this storm broke. From the first night when I cried and screamed until I was hoarse to today he has been right beside me. I can't hardly sleep, "disgusting" just echoes through my head with flashes of what I thought was my relationship with Jessalynn through the years all day but worse at night so Jeremy has slept in my room every night. A reminder of why I've never listened to people who tell me to throw him out. He was THE ONLY person I had in 2001 and had ALWAYS Been There for me. In our 20 years we've gone through times when we absolutely hated each other but we have always loved each other. I remember when we first moved to Omaha and had to go to County for help and we had to see a therapist together. When she asked about our relationship we explained how he took care of me when my family cast me out and that as I became disabled he did all the physical things I couldn't and that I became His family when he realized his treated him like crap and that I helped him with his epilepsy and took care of legal work and paperwork that overwhelmed him. The Dr looked at the student shadowing her and said "This is a perfect couple. They know their weaknesses and have found someone who cancels them out". 

So I should actually be Happy. I've lost a LOT but I still have that balance in my life. Mom said Jeremy would Always Be There for me and she was so very right. And I am thrilled to have more ting for my Angel,  who might be my mother! My sweet, sweet Jenise.

Ok, Jeremy did lose a LOT of brownie points when Jeanette told me a year later that Jessalynn had told her that Jeremy had been talking sit about me like he used to try to with Jeanette but she would sit him down.  One. He was trying to talk about our sex life which Jeanette felt was totally inappropriate and ew, she really didn't want to hear it! but that he has found an audience in Jessalynn and Brandon ( who didn't feel the ew of that it might be wrong to try to get them to feel sorry for him. His Poty Party. They took it hook line in sinker.  Jeremy says he didn't tell them that I ended the sex over him Abusing the kids telling him to please leave and when he refused to leave he tried to tell any one who might listen that he wasn't getting laid.  His"friends" didn't even want to hear it.  I bought a few fishing poles and told him maybe he should get out and go fishing and that it would be good for Kirk and help Dave because his little boy was being too go fishing.  Jeremy said that he corkscrew do that because they love me and he wouldn't be able to bitch about me to them.  I was flabbergasted.  I said, " So your only reauirement for friends is that they let you bitch about me??" He thought a minute and said,  "I guess so" but he did have the grace to act like he knew there was Something wrong with that.  I just said,  "That's pathetic."