Grieving

Still grieving, have that heart ripped out, punched in the gut someone just died feeling. How long will this go on?? It feels like I used all my healing after all the past deaths and losses. Less like waiting to heal and more like waiting, hoping to die. Maybe that's why I went from 5 cigarettes a day with a quit date to chain smoking. I remember Mom hating Daddy for not quitting smoking and dying and leaving us and wonder if he just didn't care either. I've always thought it was just that he thought he was invincible.  Maybe he did. I know I'm not. 

I still talk to Jessalynn in my head day and night. Its worst at night. jeremy is sleeping in my room babysitting me. I want to tell him to go sleep in his more comfortable Man Cave but I selfishly haven't because I can't breathe when I'm alone.  Don't want to breathe. 

I wonder at the hill Jessalynn chose to die on. After endless demands that I get rid of Jeremy she sticks her nose in our relationship to tell me I am disgustingly mean to him. That the way i treat him is Disgusting

 She never softened that when she saw it upset me,  repeated it 3 times.  Funny her words on it. She kept saying "You said you wanted to leave him in the mud". That rolls around my head because it makes No Sense. What Mud??? Did this really escalated over a misunderstanding?? She said it like she was quoting me. Maybe leaving someone in the Mud is an expression I'm not familiar with?? One of several questions I would ask her. 

I'll never get thr chance to ask. It reminds me of Meredith musing what her mothers unfinished sentence was. Tell Meredith not to _______. Meredith's mother was too dead to explain. So is Jessalynn.

My only sunshine is that the love of my life, my precious Jenise,   who might be my mother! would Never dream of hurting me or even being disrespectful.  She tells me to Live for her and iDo.