Journaling

 I started my first journal when I was 8 and kept one going most of my life. Occasionally they would get lost and I would mourn the loss and keep writing. Often it was just therapeutic for myself, but I also usually felt I was leaving a record of something for someone,  maybe descendants. Also for myself if I started losing my memory much like I am now.

They are pretty much all gone.  

I really don't journal any more except for this pitiful stuff. I miss actually writing, I loved the feel of pen on paper! 

Now my handwriting is often illegible but even more heartbreaking,  I don't believe any one will care even to read these.

So much I always thought I had things to day, to share. Everyone told me how smart I was, what a great writer. And I believed it! So sad. Not only do I realize no one cares what I might have to say but I no longer believe I have anything to say that anyone needs to know. 

Delusions of Grandeur. Perhaps.  

Worse, I have to wonder if I ever knew anything at all. 

Funny. Now I have the technology of voice typing, it would be so easy to record my thoughts! And I'll think, wait, find a place to be alone, where no one will hear me. Then I laugh at myself for useless paranoia. No one is listening. Even if someone heard me,  they wouldn't listen. No one really hears what i say when i speak directly to them! why would anyone bother to eavesdrop?? So silly. 

I do miss the pen and paper thing. Every now and then I will start a notebook but I do it knowing it will be more trash to dispose of when I die.

I think most of my life I just wanted to MATTER. Its harsh. 

I know I really don't and worse I'm pretty sure I never have. 

I only exist Now to provide for what is left of my family. I can watch TV all day or sit and play solitaire, just hanging on until I die. 

Pointless

I don't  think I have ever felt like my life was pointless but it's the best word to describe how I've felt lately. I sleep, I wake, I get thru a day and I sleep again. All my life before I felt a Purpose even if I had no clue what it was. The only point I se now is that I stay alive so my SSI and other benefits come in to take care of my household. Yes, that is a HUGE reason to keep waking up every day! Yet it is so disappointing that there isn't more. That I personally really don't matter. Perhaps never have. Except to Jeanette,  Jami and Jenise.  Yea, I have to stay alive a while for them. I know Jenise had watched me have jlynn stressing with me and me driving her to work all the time and felt left out. I was thinking I would help Jlynn grow up and the it would be Jenise 's turn and so in down thru the younger kids.  I even had a fantasy that Jessalynn would be a good escape for them and make their paths easier.  WRONG. I definitely never want Any of them to be like her in any way and sadly, I'm afraid I sour my was (as Him would cruelly put it!!) And I'm getting to old to do everything for the other grandkids like I tried to for Jylnn. I'll have to find that strength.  Jenise,  being an amazing Human should take the lead position any way for the younger ones.  

I remember being excited at each day. I remember feeling like I walked in God's hand serving Purpose. The younger kids still give me that feeling,  thank you God.