Pointless

I don't  think I have ever felt like my life was pointless but it's the best word to describe how I've felt lately. I sleep, I wake, I get thru a day and I sleep again. All my life before I felt a Purpose even if I had no clue what it was. The only point I se now is that I stay alive so my SSI and other benefits come in to take care of my household. Yes, that is a HUGE reason to keep waking up every day! Yet it is so disappointing that there isn't more. That I personally really don't matter. Perhaps never have. Except to Jeanette,  Jami and Jenise.  Yea, I have to stay alive a while for them. I know Jenise had watched me have jlynn stressing with me and me driving her to work all the time and felt left out. I was thinking I would help Jlynn grow up and the it would be Jenise 's turn and so in down thru the younger kids.  I even had a fantasy that Jessalynn would be a good escape for them and make their paths easier.  WRONG. I definitely never want Any of them to be like her in any way and sadly, I'm afraid I sour my was (as Him would cruelly put it!!) And I'm getting to old to do everything for the other grandkids like I tried to for Jylnn. I'll have to find that strength.  Jenise,  being an amazing Human should take the lead position any way for the younger ones.  

I remember being excited at each day. I remember feeling like I walked in God's hand serving Purpose. The younger kids still give me that feeling,  thank you God.