"Home crap home"

A line from The Money Pit. I think of it a lot.

Our home has been an embarassing disastrous mess since Maple View.  Progressively worse with time. It is embarassing and mentally, possibly physically,  unhealthy. I can't fix it. I try. New Rule this week: I clean something every time I get up. Try to. Scrub a wall or a cabinet door or the bathroom shelves. It's not helping much yet. Jess tries but its overwhelming even without a mental illness. I know I screwed up not having the girls do chores. They will when asked but really, most of this mess is beyond kid chores. I feel deep guilt that I myself don't/can't do more. I feel deep anger that Jeremy won't.  In the "before" when he was working and I was able I kept it up by myself. When he stopped working I hoped he would try to keep the house clean. He does do dishes and sweep and mop the kitchen and living room a lot. Always angry he has to. If I ask him to do more he immediately says WHY ME. If I rare mention how much time he spends playing games etc he denies it and is outraged. When he could no longer drive he was enraged at "being made useless" in a filthy house.

The girls are embarrassed to have friends over. I am, too. Always terrified the landlord will evict us because the filth spills out of the house. The yard screams White Trash Live Here. Our home is the nastiest looking place for miles in any direction - and we live in the ghetto.

Jeremy

I still have no clue how to help Jeremy or to make him easier  to live with. He is so sad and depressed which he expresses with negativity and rage that is So Hard to live with. I definitely believe he would have had a better, happier, life without my family. But he is here with us about 20 years now. 

Jeremy spends most of his time sitting on the futon playing video games or down in his basement room. He'll do the dishes most days, angrily, playing and screaming to heavy metal, usually pretty foul stuff. I believe it is a punishment to the household, make sure we suffer with him, because he knows everyone hates it and he Could wear headphones.  He will sweep and mop the livingroom and kitchen and clean the cat boxes in the same spirit. It feels a lot like hate.

When I could I did all these things and more but I got something out of it I don't believe he does. That satisfied feeling that it's done. The pleasure in it being done. 

I know this atmosphere is unhealthy for ALL of us. I'm aware that Kira's anger issues are fed by this steady stream of negative rage. 

Jeremy hasn't worked since Covid. I encouraged him to apply for SSI with his epilepsy and aortic stenosis. Partly for his health. Largely hoping he can get it and have a steady income even if it is very small. When he worked I lived in anxiety that he would again get fired. It is very sad the problems he had working with men.  No One ever backs him if he makes a mistake at work. It never takes long for fellow employees to notice he is "different" and it is never tolerated. He can excel at his job but will Never get any recognition for it. Never. Add to that he does some pretty foolish things at work that get him in trouble and fired. It is incredibly sad and unfair but it is the world we live in. I've tried to help him, advised keeping to himself at work, just do his job, clock out and leave. Even if he could, the Haters would eventually find him, single him out, and punish him for being Different.

So he is home now waiting for SSI that may never go through. We live on the money I can bring in with my SSI and whatever government aid I can get. We are barely surviving. We live one unexpected disaster from being homeless. 

And we live in filth. Real Filth. It really got to me last month when the car tags expired and I can't afford to renew them so Jeremy can't drive because he has a traffic warrant and we might lose the van. He was angry when I told him, yelled "JUST MAKE ME FUCKING USELESS!" which Really Made Me Angry. Still trying to get over that! I look at our filthy home that extends to a trashy, filthy, yard and see all the ways he Could Be very useful!! I CAN drive. I can't keep up the house and yard. He could but won't. 

Insanity.

I live with grateful insanity. 

He is So Miserable but refuses to go get another life but instead tried to make everyone else Miserable because he is.  What a sad way to live. 

My Jess

I have already said what I think/feel about her. It just never seems to be enough. I want so much to make her life as beautiful as she makes mine! I so much want the whole world to see what I see!! Beautiful,  inside and out, for me she is the hope of the human race.

Jami visit

 She spent the night, already starting to want to go back.

She's skin and bones. Meth sores not healing on her face. 

I asked, to end the debate, if it was just Mike or the drugs that kept her with him. I believe it is unbelievably mostly Mike. She says it all Just Him. Actually said "But he kept me alive". Like I don't know anything about the story. 

I can't save her.

Today.