Jeremy

I still have no clue how to help Jeremy or to make him easier  to live with. He is so sad and depressed which he expresses with negativity and rage that is So Hard to live with. I definitely believe he would have had a better, happier, life without my family. But he is here with us about 20 years now. 

Jeremy spends most of his time sitting on the futon playing video games or down in his basement room. He'll do the dishes most days, angrily, playing and screaming to heavy metal, usually pretty foul stuff. I believe it is a punishment to the household, make sure we suffer with him, because he knows everyone hates it and he Could wear headphones.  He will sweep and mop the livingroom and kitchen and clean the cat boxes in the same spirit. It feels a lot like hate.

When I could I did all these things and more but I got something out of it I don't believe he does. That satisfied feeling that it's done. The pleasure in it being done. 

I know this atmosphere is unhealthy for ALL of us. I'm aware that Kira's anger issues are fed by this steady stream of negative rage. 

Jeremy hasn't worked since Covid. I encouraged him to apply for SSI with his epilepsy and aortic stenosis. Partly for his health. Largely hoping he can get it and have a steady income even if it is very small. When he worked I lived in anxiety that he would again get fired. It is very sad the problems he had working with men.  No One ever backs him if he makes a mistake at work. It never takes long for fellow employees to notice he is "different" and it is never tolerated. He can excel at his job but will Never get any recognition for it. Never. Add to that he does some pretty foolish things at work that get him in trouble and fired. It is incredibly sad and unfair but it is the world we live in. I've tried to help him, advised keeping to himself at work, just do his job, clock out and leave. Even if he could, the Haters would eventually find him, single him out, and punish him for being Different.

So he is home now waiting for SSI that may never go through. We live on the money I can bring in with my SSI and whatever government aid I can get. We are barely surviving. We live one unexpected disaster from being homeless. 

And we live in filth. Real Filth. It really got to me last month when the car tags expired and I can't afford to renew them so Jeremy can't drive because he has a traffic warrant and we might lose the van. He was angry when I told him, yelled "JUST MAKE ME FUCKING USELESS!" which Really Made Me Angry. Still trying to get over that! I look at our filthy home that extends to a trashy, filthy, yard and see all the ways he Could Be very useful!! I CAN drive. I can't keep up the house and yard. He could but won't. 

Insanity.

I live with grateful insanity. 

He is So Miserable but refuses to go get another life but instead tried to make everyone else Miserable because he is.  What a sad way to live.