How are we at this point?

We look like we are about to lose everything.  My SSI is somehow going to be less than half what it was starting next month and our rent is going up $300. An impossible situation.  I have faced worse. But I always had this unwavering Faith that everything would work out Sonehow. 

I can't find that faith. 

I haven't had faith in anything for a very long time. Likely from my lack of faith in God. 

I think I really started losing faith when I looked deeply at the holocaust.  Looked at the suffering people who kept Faith throughout and then Still had faith after. After losing their families and suffering for years. Most of them were "God's Chosen" people biblically.  How??

Then science started knocking me around. It is accepted that we are not alone in the universe. So does each society have a God, a Jesus, and a Bible? 

I always felt secure in Faith because 94% of humans believe in God. What are the odds that the 6% are the only ones right? 

It is easy to wonder if man created God to accept life and death. That leaders needed a God of laws to ordain their laws. So many wars! So much death! Over religious beliefs!! 

How convenient that Belief is entirely based on Faith. There is no Proof. Needing Proof is sin, lack of Faith, condemnation for ye of little faith.

Then I wait for a lightning strike for such thoughts but there won't be one because that would be Proof.

I had Huge Faith. 13 years in "The Truth". No, I wasn't an ideal member. I asked too many questions,  I failed to totally live The Life. Then when all hell broke loose, when I found out our Elder molested my daughters and No One believed us. When we were excommunicated and run out of town I cursed God. Screamed at the Heavens that if He had a "plan" that it SUCKED and so did He I was still talking to, believing in Him. I just decided I didn't believe in the church. In any church. 

I often thought about Phineas's law in A Separate Peace, "Pray every night in case there is a God". So I did. 

Scopes

I had my upper/lower endoscopy yesterday, I'll get the results in 5 days. I'm afraid there is going to be some kind of cancer in the stomach or esophagus areas, about 80% sure there will be some kind of bad news. I can't see how I'm going to feel about or react to whatever the news is. I've been through expecting a Dr to find some kind of cancer several times. I Did have a small skin cancer a few years ago - and I knew that's what it was before I saw a Dr and had it removed. I also have precancerous polyps removed from my colon every couple of years the last 30 years.

My digestive system has been bad for a While. Terrible heartburn, unable to eat more than a few bites sometimes,  drowning in vomit at night, nausea, pain, not good stuff! 

I guess I wait 5 days to Know.  I dread that it might need a drastic procedure that causes them to remove my esophagus and/or stomach. Or parts of them.  Completely alter my life, make it even more difficult to survive. The whole possible death thing, I can't really see how that news would feel.