An out of Time and Space feeling

I doubt I titled this correctly.
All my life I experienced the feeling that I knew things that I had never been taught. This feeling started when I was just eight years old, got stronger as I grew up and then started fading the last twenty years until I almost completely forgot about it. Just very rarely I am reminded that I ever felt that way. Like today.
I was watching a Netflix special on Bob Lazar and he was drawing and explaining element 1115. When he started illustrating and explaining how the element is made I realized that I knew what he would say and draw next and I was 100% correct. I froze and Then realized that I used to feel this way all the time. Deja vu. It spooked me and in that moment I couldn't believe that i had forgotten the feeling, that i had ever felt that way. I don't remember anything specific, I just know that for most of my life this was a part of me. When I was a teenager I was very vocal about it. I remember at times thinking that people should think I was crazy for the things I said but that instead they Listened, believed, and were sometimes afraid of what I said.
Somehow, along with my ability to express myself in writing, these episodes went away. I don't doubt that it was real and I feel like understanding what IT was and why it went away is just out of my grasp.
Maybe it is just the fading mind from aging.  Surely that has something to do with it.  But I have no understanding of why I ever experienced these things at all.
With today's Episode coming from something scientific makes mr wonder if my father's connection to the space program is somehow involved like it's something inherent or related to growing up around this kind of science.
But I shouldn't have had any understanding of Element 115.
I have grieved for my writing muse. It was gone for years before I even noticed, which seems odd, but I just today realized that this part of me is also gone. It makes me wonder if I had a purpose I didn't fulfill so it was all taken away. Or maybe it was just Use It Or Lose It. I know that when i changed drastically, the year after Steve and i split up, i became so wrapped up in that experience that i almost lost my sanity. There was no room for the part of me that dreamed and imagined of intangible things. I became a dreary, earth bound creature living in an unbearable NOW. I am a completely different person and again, didn't even realize this had happened for years.
Just very rarely do I have an experience like I did today that makes me aware that I lost Who I was before 2001.
I was a deeply spiritual yet scientific, creative free thinking person before. I often feel that who I was died and that I am a shell of that person going through the motions to finish the earthly things that I have to before my body dies.
I've laughed once or twice in the last 20 years but sadly at the other end I have cried a lot. Grief and sorrow still exist. I also have grieved for my connection to God, to spirituality. I remember feeling so strongly that it felt like I would burst into a ball of light.
Now I struggle to say I believe in anything intangible at all.
I was fascinated studying the pineal gland a few years ago. Played with the idea that my Lost Self was caused by this access point collapsing and still wonder if anything of my Self could return if I could reactivate the gland.
But then, these days, I will forget I was even considering trying this before I even start. My memory issues are so severe that I will read something I write like this a month later and have no idea of the thoughts behind it, maybe even destroy it because it sounds "crazy".
But right now in this moment I know that this is/was very real.
I like to think that if I lost who I was because I failed to accomplish what I was supposed to, if i truly failed at my mission as a human, that it was taken from me and given to someone else to complete. Maybe something I shared of these things was followed through by a listener, maybe I didn't totally fail to use the gifts I was given. Maybe I didnt fail at all, maybe i was always meant to just be the hyphen mark in the conversation.
Mucu more comforting than believing that i failed.

Symptoms undiagnosed and troubling

Fullness upper left abdomen beginning approximately one year ago and then sharp pain just below the ribs that was intermittent and is now constant. The pain is both deep and shallow and is worse when laying on my right side.
Sharp intermittent pain in knees radiating to focal points in the outer thigh. Also very sharp pain in both hips.
Not totally undiagnosed but new, a light and fairly constant wheeze in lungs.
Arrhythmia that is uncomfortable but not painful, mostly in the evening.
Racing pulse with any exertion.
Nausea. Numbness in the pads of my feet. This week, very localized pain in the solar plexus that radiates to the navel.
Severe head pain that burns in the forehead and at the base of ny skull. Not constant, most likely in the evening, sometimes so severe that I feel paralyzed occasionally experienced with an out of body sensation.
Maybe all unrelated to each other.
Mental condition: Overly emotional, often experiencing deep regret, occasionally fear, and withdrawal from family. Nightmares. Memory loss that I'd frustrating and at times frightening.
I did see a doctor about the upper left feeling of fullness when it began but nothing was found to cause it. Have had a lower and upper endoscopy last year that showed nothing that would cause any symptoms but I did have teo bleeding ulcers that have healed since discontinuing all NSAIDS.  Have not seen a doctor since everything started escalating because of the Covid19 pandemic.

Jessi and Jami in Texas

The girls left for Texas yesterday so Jess could visit her boyfriend, Josh. I am scared having them so far away and feel just incomplete without them. I wish so badly that I had been able to take them!! Even though there is a good chance they are safer than they would have been traveling with me. Also, when I was dreaming of being able to drive them myself, I was thinking it would be the last time I saw Texas.
I'll probably never go there again. I remember how excited I used to get as I got closer to my home state, how thrilling to pass the skyline of Dallas and then just feel my heart bursting when Houston came into view.
I was born there, lived a third of my life there, but it hasn't been Home since Mom died. Maybe longer.
Nebraska is my home.  I will die here.
But a huge piece of my heart is in Texas right now and I want it back.
Please God bring my girls safely home to me.

Seeing My Mother

When did I start seeing my mom as a person and not just as my mother. I remember a very small beginning on the farm, a flash of insight, quickly gone.
Now I'm pretty sure I have only scratched the surface of who she was. I feel great shame for the years I couldn't/wouldn't? See her.
A lot of even my memory of her as a mother is very, very, muddled. My brothers perception has been at war with mine since Daddy died.
I remember a horrible recording someone made of a fight between her and my brothers. A screaming fight that turned physical. It may have actually started between my brothers, yes, I think it did, and Nom jumped in to help Herbert hitting Mike over the head with a frying pan. Mike had Herb pinned in the bathtub and after Mon hit Mike he grabbed her and pushed her into the tub with Herbert. Then there is an anguished scream from me and the tape abruptly ended.
My anguished cry was "Mamma!!"
That tape, that cry, haunts me to this day.

Turning 62

I am 62 years old today. I dont have much feeling about that. I dont believe I ever thought about or planned to be this age. 

At 30 and 40 and maybe 50 I felt compelled to access myself. Dont feel that so much anymore. 

I am grateful that I am here to take care of everyone in my household and Jessalynn and Jenise.  

I remember feeling like I Must have a purpose on earth, constantly waiting for messages from God or just circumstances that made me feel a Purpose. 

Maybe I fulfilled any purpose I may have had.