I doubt I titled this correctly.
All my life I experienced the feeling that I knew things that I had never been taught. This feeling started when I was just eight years old, got stronger as I grew up and then started fading the last twenty years until I almost completely forgot about it. Just very rarely I am reminded that I ever felt that way. Like today.
I was watching a Netflix special on Bob Lazar and he was drawing and explaining element 1115. When he started illustrating and explaining how the element is made I realized that I knew what he would say and draw next and I was 100% correct. I froze and Then realized that I used to feel this way all the time. Deja vu. It spooked me and in that moment I couldn't believe that i had forgotten the feeling, that i had ever felt that way. I don't remember anything specific, I just know that for most of my life this was a part of me. When I was a teenager I was very vocal about it. I remember at times thinking that people should think I was crazy for the things I said but that instead they Listened, believed, and were sometimes afraid of what I said.
Somehow, along with my ability to express myself in writing, these episodes went away. I don't doubt that it was real and I feel like understanding what IT was and why it went away is just out of my grasp.
Maybe it is just the fading mind from aging. Surely that has something to do with it. But I have no understanding of why I ever experienced these things at all.
With today's Episode coming from something scientific makes mr wonder if my father's connection to the space program is somehow involved like it's something inherent or related to growing up around this kind of science.
But I shouldn't have had any understanding of Element 115.
I have grieved for my writing muse. It was gone for years before I even noticed, which seems odd, but I just today realized that this part of me is also gone. It makes me wonder if I had a purpose I didn't fulfill so it was all taken away. Or maybe it was just Use It Or Lose It. I know that when i changed drastically, the year after Steve and i split up, i became so wrapped up in that experience that i almost lost my sanity. There was no room for the part of me that dreamed and imagined of intangible things. I became a dreary, earth bound creature living in an unbearable NOW. I am a completely different person and again, didn't even realize this had happened for years.
Just very rarely do I have an experience like I did today that makes me aware that I lost Who I was before 2001.
I was a deeply spiritual yet scientific, creative free thinking person before. I often feel that who I was died and that I am a shell of that person going through the motions to finish the earthly things that I have to before my body dies.
I've laughed once or twice in the last 20 years but sadly at the other end I have cried a lot. Grief and sorrow still exist. I also have grieved for my connection to God, to spirituality. I remember feeling so strongly that it felt like I would burst into a ball of light.
Now I struggle to say I believe in anything intangible at all.
I was fascinated studying the pineal gland a few years ago. Played with the idea that my Lost Self was caused by this access point collapsing and still wonder if anything of my Self could return if I could reactivate the gland.
But then, these days, I will forget I was even considering trying this before I even start. My memory issues are so severe that I will read something I write like this a month later and have no idea of the thoughts behind it, maybe even destroy it because it sounds "crazy".
But right now in this moment I know that this is/was very real.
I like to think that if I lost who I was because I failed to accomplish what I was supposed to, if i truly failed at my mission as a human, that it was taken from me and given to someone else to complete. Maybe something I shared of these things was followed through by a listener, maybe I didn't totally fail to use the gifts I was given. Maybe I didnt fail at all, maybe i was always meant to just be the hyphen mark in the conversation.
Mucu more comforting than believing that i failed.
All my life I experienced the feeling that I knew things that I had never been taught. This feeling started when I was just eight years old, got stronger as I grew up and then started fading the last twenty years until I almost completely forgot about it. Just very rarely I am reminded that I ever felt that way. Like today.
I was watching a Netflix special on Bob Lazar and he was drawing and explaining element 1115. When he started illustrating and explaining how the element is made I realized that I knew what he would say and draw next and I was 100% correct. I froze and Then realized that I used to feel this way all the time. Deja vu. It spooked me and in that moment I couldn't believe that i had forgotten the feeling, that i had ever felt that way. I don't remember anything specific, I just know that for most of my life this was a part of me. When I was a teenager I was very vocal about it. I remember at times thinking that people should think I was crazy for the things I said but that instead they Listened, believed, and were sometimes afraid of what I said.
Somehow, along with my ability to express myself in writing, these episodes went away. I don't doubt that it was real and I feel like understanding what IT was and why it went away is just out of my grasp.
Maybe it is just the fading mind from aging. Surely that has something to do with it. But I have no understanding of why I ever experienced these things at all.
With today's Episode coming from something scientific makes mr wonder if my father's connection to the space program is somehow involved like it's something inherent or related to growing up around this kind of science.
But I shouldn't have had any understanding of Element 115.
I have grieved for my writing muse. It was gone for years before I even noticed, which seems odd, but I just today realized that this part of me is also gone. It makes me wonder if I had a purpose I didn't fulfill so it was all taken away. Or maybe it was just Use It Or Lose It. I know that when i changed drastically, the year after Steve and i split up, i became so wrapped up in that experience that i almost lost my sanity. There was no room for the part of me that dreamed and imagined of intangible things. I became a dreary, earth bound creature living in an unbearable NOW. I am a completely different person and again, didn't even realize this had happened for years.
Just very rarely do I have an experience like I did today that makes me aware that I lost Who I was before 2001.
I was a deeply spiritual yet scientific, creative free thinking person before. I often feel that who I was died and that I am a shell of that person going through the motions to finish the earthly things that I have to before my body dies.
I've laughed once or twice in the last 20 years but sadly at the other end I have cried a lot. Grief and sorrow still exist. I also have grieved for my connection to God, to spirituality. I remember feeling so strongly that it felt like I would burst into a ball of light.
Now I struggle to say I believe in anything intangible at all.
I was fascinated studying the pineal gland a few years ago. Played with the idea that my Lost Self was caused by this access point collapsing and still wonder if anything of my Self could return if I could reactivate the gland.
But then, these days, I will forget I was even considering trying this before I even start. My memory issues are so severe that I will read something I write like this a month later and have no idea of the thoughts behind it, maybe even destroy it because it sounds "crazy".
But right now in this moment I know that this is/was very real.
I like to think that if I lost who I was because I failed to accomplish what I was supposed to, if i truly failed at my mission as a human, that it was taken from me and given to someone else to complete. Maybe something I shared of these things was followed through by a listener, maybe I didn't totally fail to use the gifts I was given. Maybe I didnt fail at all, maybe i was always meant to just be the hyphen mark in the conversation.
Mucu more comforting than believing that i failed.
No comments:
Post a Comment