"Home Crap Home"

 Title stolen from "The Money Pit".

After years of being disabled and then a month of being almost completely  brdridden I am living in a trash filled, cluttered, dump. 

I've been up for 5 days and made my "to do" list for my home this morning. I started with the living room and might not even get that done properly. I know I can't. I haven't even finished sweeping and I ache all over and want to cry. Its not just sweeping. Its picking up the trash, moving furniture, and all the gross surprises I find when I do. 

Jessalynn was right that my house is disgusting but I am still right to feel that her observations should have only been directed at Me. I feel outraged that I have TWO healthy adults living with me who I almost completely support and my home is what it is. 

I still get that feeling of Karma. The horror and shame I felt when I went to take care of my dying mother and saw the filth she had been living in. I might be just destined to end my days in filth. I'm not Ever going to not be disabled and my condition is only getting worse as I age. Every hope I have had to fix this was a false hope. When I took in Jami and Kirk last year, let thrm build a room for themselves in the basement they said they would help. Were horrified no one else helped me. And then they did nothing. Didn't even clean up after themselves. Let dishes mold downstairs until most had to be thrown away and replaced. I know. Was foolish to hope they would be any different than all the other times I took them in. I once hoped Keetra would at least be someone I could pay to help me but her addiction made her unable to even help herself. I have No One else, can't afford to hire help and actually would  be embarassed to let hired help see my home. I bet it would cost hundreds to have a maid service dig this out!!

Karma.

What they really think

 In this nightmare with Jessalynn jami had been telling me that Jess didn't really know what had happened. All year I have waited for it to come up, to maybe tell my side of it. 

Well, it came up. Raised its diseased head. If Jess doesnt know what happened doesnt really matter. I've been judged and found guilty. By Kira, too. 

I was saying that Jessalynn was welcome here for Christmas and it all broke loose. NO ONE cared what my side might be. 

I just got in the van and left. Destination No Where. Again.

Again, Jami saved me.

I called, likely hysterical. She asked where I was and I told her I was by dollar tree on 99th but not to come, that I was moving the van. I drove into the Walmart parking lot and I'll be damned if I didnt see Jami walking up. I tried to duck down,  too late. She got in. Took me to Harrah's hotel and had Andrew get me a room. 

I was alone there. Scared at first but then I realized I WAS ALONE there!! 

I didnt even know I needed to be alone!! No one judging or hating me. 

She may have saved my life again. 

Jeanette texted me. Said she had received a Bunch of hateful texts about me after Thanksgiving from Jess. Said I was living in a dangerous, toxic environment. That kinda floored me 

I didnt even sense that from Jess!!

Jeanette told me to go where she works and I did. And finally, someone listened to what really happened last Christmas and didnt blame me. 

Jami never blamed me either. Jeremy kind of did. Definitely did but wasnt going to actually say it. 

Jeanette said she invited me Thanksgiving knowing Jessalynn wouldn't approve and didnt care. 

She also invited me to go stay with her and I'm thinking about it. 

What's it like to live in a house where I'm not hated???

I don't know.

Jess is Kiras favorite person. Is that why Kira treats me with disrespect that borders on hatred??

I've been thinking it was just a teen thing.

What if it isn't??

I'm sick of wishing I was dead all the time. 

I'll be dead soon enough. 

Do i have to hate the rest of my life??

I feel like I am always begging Jess and my grandchildren to Love Me.  That one day they will just wake up and SEE that I love them. That maybe I deserve to be loved. 

I am always defending Jess. Making excuses for the horrible person she acts like. I think how Jessalynn said I was disgusting for the way I treat Jeremy and LOOK at how Jess treats him Every Day. 

I listen to her bitch about my cat after YEARS of cleaning up after her dog, walking him cuz she won't,  trying to clean his messes before Jeremy sees them and gets upset. 

I listen to her bitch about what a mess Jeremy makes when he out works here ALL THE TIME,  cleaned up after her when she didn't lift a finger to help with anything for years.  (but this were he meth years,  she wasn't really Her Rhode years) for years. He moved her 3 times  because she had no one else to do it and she still BITCHES about the things he broke moving her  crap BY HIMSELF. Not ONCE did she ever thank 

Jessalynn can take care of her. They deserve each other.

No future planning

 I believe at some point I stopped making plans for the future almost completely. I stopped making shopping lists, plans to pay bills or do almost anything. If this started before the pandemic then the pandemic certainly made it worse. I'm not sure why I stopped,  I only today realized that planning wasn't in my head at all. One day at a time has its merits but definitely isn't serving my family well.

I think being sick and disabled plays a big part in this but I also believe I can do better. NEED to do better.

It doesn't help at all that my memory has gotten so bad that today I felt like making any kind of plans was totally foreign to me. 

I also seem to live in an exaggerated state of Hopelessness that started with my COPD and heart condition diagnoses and was stopped of by the depression following losing Jessalynn last Christmas. That makes it probably at least almost a year like this.

This should be something I can fix or at least do better at. Maybe start writing again, lists of things to do, that need done and maybe daily journaling to keep track of plans and remember them.