What they really think

 In this nightmare with Jessalynn jami had been telling me that Jess didn't really know what had happened. All year I have waited for it to come up, to maybe tell my side of it. 

Well, it came up. Raised its diseased head. If Jess doesnt know what happened doesnt really matter. I've been judged and found guilty. By Kira, too. 

I was saying that Jessalynn was welcome here for Christmas and it all broke loose. NO ONE cared what my side might be. 

I just got in the van and left. Destination No Where. Again.

Again, Jami saved me.

I called, likely hysterical. She asked where I was and I told her I was by dollar tree on 99th but not to come, that I was moving the van. I drove into the Walmart parking lot and I'll be damned if I didnt see Jami walking up. I tried to duck down,  too late. She got in. Took me to Harrah's hotel and had Andrew get me a room. 

I was alone there. Scared at first but then I realized I WAS ALONE there!! 

I didnt even know I needed to be alone!! No one judging or hating me. 

She may have saved my life again. 

Jeanette texted me. Said she had received a Bunch of hateful texts about me after Thanksgiving from Jess. Said I was living in a dangerous, toxic environment. That kinda floored me 

I didnt even sense that from Jess!!

Jeanette told me to go where she works and I did. And finally, someone listened to what really happened last Christmas and didnt blame me. 

Jami never blamed me either. Jeremy kind of did. Definitely did but wasnt going to actually say it. 

Jeanette said she invited me Thanksgiving knowing Jessalynn wouldn't approve and didnt care. 

She also invited me to go stay with her and I'm thinking about it. 

What's it like to live in a house where I'm not hated???

I don't know.

Jess is Kiras favorite person. Is that why Kira treats me with disrespect that borders on hatred??

I've been thinking it was just a teen thing.

What if it isn't??

I'm sick of wishing I was dead all the time. 

I'll be dead soon enough. 

Do i have to hate the rest of my life??

I feel like I am always begging Jess and my grandchildren to Love Me.  That one day they will just wake up and SEE that I love them. That maybe I deserve to be loved. 

I am always defending Jess. Making excuses for the horrible person she acts like. I think how Jessalynn said I was disgusting for the way I treat Jeremy and LOOK at how Jess treats him Every Day. 

I listen to her bitch about my cat after YEARS of cleaning up after her dog, walking him cuz she won't,  trying to clean his messes before Jeremy sees them and gets upset. 

I listen to her bitch about what a mess Jeremy makes when he out works here ALL THE TIME,  cleaned up after her when she didn't lift a finger to help with anything for years.  (but this were he meth years,  she wasn't really Her Rhode years) for years. He moved her 3 times  because she had no one else to do it and she still BITCHES about the things he broke moving her  crap BY HIMSELF. Not ONCE did she ever thank 

Jessalynn can take care of her. They deserve each other.