Journaling

 I started my first journal when I was 8 and kept one going most of my life. Occasionally they would get lost and I would mourn the loss and keep writing. Often it was just therapeutic for myself, but I also usually felt I was leaving a record of something for someone,  maybe descendants. Also for myself if I started losing my memory much like I am now.

They are pretty much all gone.  

I really don't journal any more except for this pitiful stuff. I miss actually writing, I loved the feel of pen on paper! 

Now my handwriting is often illegible but even more heartbreaking,  I don't believe any one will care even to read these.

So much I always thought I had things to day, to share. Everyone told me how smart I was, what a great writer. And I believed it! So sad. Not only do I realize no one cares what I might have to say but I no longer believe I have anything to say that anyone needs to know. 

Delusions of Grandeur. Perhaps.  

Worse, I have to wonder if I ever knew anything at all. 

Funny. Now I have the technology of voice typing, it would be so easy to record my thoughts! And I'll think, wait, find a place to be alone, where no one will hear me. Then I laugh at myself for useless paranoia. No one is listening. Even if someone heard me,  they wouldn't listen. No one really hears what i say when i speak directly to them! why would anyone bother to eavesdrop?? So silly. 

I do miss the pen and paper thing. Every now and then I will start a notebook but I do it knowing it will be more trash to dispose of when I die.

I think most of my life I just wanted to MATTER. Its harsh. 

I know I really don't and worse I'm pretty sure I never have. 

I only exist Now to provide for what is left of my family. I can watch TV all day or sit and play solitaire, just hanging on until I die. 

Pointless

I don't  think I have ever felt like my life was pointless but it's the best word to describe how I've felt lately. I sleep, I wake, I get thru a day and I sleep again. All my life before I felt a Purpose even if I had no clue what it was. The only point I se now is that I stay alive so my SSI and other benefits come in to take care of my household. Yes, that is a HUGE reason to keep waking up every day! Yet it is so disappointing that there isn't more. That I personally really don't matter. Perhaps never have. Except to Jeanette,  Jami and Jenise.  Yea, I have to stay alive a while for them. I know Jenise had watched me have jlynn stressing with me and me driving her to work all the time and felt left out. I was thinking I would help Jlynn grow up and the it would be Jenise 's turn and so in down thru the younger kids.  I even had a fantasy that Jessalynn would be a good escape for them and make their paths easier.  WRONG. I definitely never want Any of them to be like her in any way and sadly, I'm afraid I sour my was (as Him would cruelly put it!!) And I'm getting to old to do everything for the other grandkids like I tried to for Jylnn. I'll have to find that strength.  Jenise,  being an amazing Human should take the lead position any way for the younger ones.  

I remember being excited at each day. I remember feeling like I walked in God's hand serving Purpose. The younger kids still give me that feeling,  thank you God.

Thanksgiving 2022

 10 am, the house is waking up for Turkey Day. We traditionally have our dinner later in the day. Once at midnight 😬. In more recent years we have scheduled our dinner late so we could have Jessalynn after she went to the Fitzgerald TG at noon. This year it is also to accommodate Robby having an earlier dinner with his father.

Jess was excited we would finally have Lindsey for TG but I doubt she is coming. That's sad and that story doesn't belong here. 

Thanksgiving.  I am Thankful to be alive for this one. I am thankful that our family will come together today. I am thankful Jeanette has recovered from her burns and has found a home. I'm thankful that Jessica seems happier than she was for years. I am thankful that Jeremy has so far survived his medical issues and that it feels like everyone is trying to help him cope with his mental issues. I am thankful Jami is still alive. I hope she comes today!

This is our first Thanksgiving without Kirk but we often still feel his presence and I bet he is here today. Love you Kirk!!

Laughary,  Ketterman, Fitzgerald, Belk, Mundell, Avant. 

Family.

NEXT DAY 

TG went well but I feel like I missed the main part when I left to pick up Shy. Jenise, Taylor and Robby left while I was gone 😭. Then, after, Riley came to me crying saying he'd called Nett to pick him up. He wouldn't talk to me so I went to Jazz and Shy. They said they didn't know what was going on but then I got a text from Nett saying Riley told her the girls were teasing him about a photo. When I showed them the text they Knew,  Shy said it was all her, not Jazz, and that she didn't mean to hurt him. She did they to apologize but he told her to Go Away.  I HATE this ending to our TG Day!! 

Also, Jeanette was very upset with Robby and i walked into a conversation between them in the kitchen. Nett was clearly very hurt about something Robby had said/done and when I tried to intervene I was ignored ~ I couldn't stop it.

Yes, lots of family disputes happen on holidays,  but I had High Hopes this would NOT happen. 

Jami didn't make it. Earlier she had called me and after we said Good bye I could still hear what was going on and I eavesdropped on them. I heard Mike yelling at and berating Jami in q horrific degrading way and it sounded like he was getting physical when the call was disconnected.  She called later, Breezy had picked her up and she was at Pam's.  She said she didn't want me to get her, said she was beat up and unpresentable,  and I left her there. 

Jeanette came very late with the Turkey, I think dinner didn't start until around 9, and things were over cooked and dry from waiting on the Turkey. Still, it was a good dinner I just wish Jenise hadn't left while i was gone 😭, I'm wondering if she did it to get Robby out of the line of fire????

I hope this wasn't my last Thanksgiving!!

I looked around at all of it and put a Shout Out to Jeremy on Facebook. He works all day to make these holiday events and seems to get so little credit! I Can't do it any more. Jeanette has tried to take over but this year her home isn't put together yet so it was here.

I'm hoping to reach out to Robby and Riley and try to fix/help them.

Jessica 39th Birthday

I  hate that we were so broke for her birthday! And I fell asleep really early. And she was trapped upstairs a lot because of Jeremy's cat 

Hope to at least take her to get her hair done for a late birthday present 

Jess has just been so awesome in my life I would have had a parade for her with a Huge Party if i could 

Joey and Nate visit

They came for Kira's first swim meet Wednesday. Really sweet and really great to see them 😁

A little better

 Yesterday I decided to take my health into my own hands. I think just deciding helped 

I started eating bananas,  the eye twitch is gone. Small victory. Vision, slightly better or at least not bothering me as much. Slight nausea,  took Marinol. Able to plan some activities, have the desire to complete them. Don't know yet how much I will b able to do but have actually started one, clearing my bed. Would like to start laundry,  hate that it's in the basement. 

Ate small Meals yesterday, did Not throw up. Was still just exhausted but have some energy today 

Heal Thyself 

Paranoia or Clarity?

Days like these. The feeling of overwhelming doom. A fading past and a jumbled present. The future  is just a kaleidoscope.  

I'm terrified.

Lindsey Jessalynn and Joey

 Joey came to Omaha 3 days ago and Jessalynn drove in from Lincoln the next day so I have had my 3 oldest granddaughters in town together for the first time in about 15 years. It is wonderful, only a little tinged by sadness that I probably won't live to see this again especially if it is another 15 years!

Shy's 15th Birthday Party

Shy's 15th BD party is at an air bnb. Jazz and Kira left yesterday to go. We all feel how empty the house is without them. I can't imagine how empty my life would feel without them! I don't  think I ever imagined living this long but if I did I didn't imagine grandchildren being the center of my life. Steve and I had a vague plan of living our retirement in a Winnebago camping around the country. I pictured a traveling life when I met Jeremy. Never this and thank God there is This. Many days I feel old, useless, meaningless,  wonder why I am here, blind that Why is right in front of me.

My family is my World.

Post Covid here

 We are 5 days past the last positive covid test here so for now Jasmine and I are safe. 

How did it miss us, the most vulnerable? Jazz was extremely cautious.  I was not able to be nearly as cautious, as the only well adult I couldn't stay holed up. Divine interference?? Super immunity even though I was overdue for a booster shot? 

Thank God. Thank immunity,  thank fate, we survived.

4th of July 2022

 It sounds like a war zone when u aren't part of it . We have three here with Covid, Lindsey,  Jeremy and Jessica.  

It's weird to b the only adult standing and I can barely stand. I don't know how well get thru this. If I go down, then what?? Who can protect Jasmine?? I asked if Nett would take her and she didn't respond. 

I've seldom felt so very alone and weighed down.

New Household Dynamic

 Lindsey moving here has worked better than I even dared hope. We were all nervous,  it's been so long and we didn't know how changed we might find her or her us. 

Then it was like she had always been here.  Plus she seemed to have a positive effect on the house in general. Not to mention having her to help take care of me,  take over most of the driving. 

If she can help me until I can get better I should b able to help her as she becomes more pregnant and needs help. 

Jami is in jail and planning to return to the new/old love of her life who None of us like. 

I don't even know that Jami could successfully be a part of this household again Without Mike. 

I Love Jami. I want sun and rainbows and amazing things for her. She won't find any of that with Mike. I doubt she could even find it here, maybe because she doesn't seem to b looking for it. She appears to always be seeking Death. 

Which is all to easy to find.

Back to us. This household Can Work. 

Lindsey is very much the key to that and I think that Knowing that and Feeling her purpose will make her grow even more into what this family Needs.

Lindsey for my birthday

Did I already write that Lindsey is with me?? And last night Hannah was here.  Such a flashback!!

A Jessalynn Sighting

 Jessalynn and Brandon visited yesterday. I feel like I drink the sight of her with my eyes. I know I have never loved anyone any more than I love her. (OK, maybe a few) I know that the year without her I missed her more than I have ever missed anyone I ever lost, temporarily or permanently. 

 I know she will Never be Mine again. 

But I saw her yesterday 

Overdose

 Saturday, May 27, 2022 I picked up Jami from her camper in the evening. We went to Jeanette's to drop off a tire for her car and then came home. 

I was worried about bringing Jami to town. Several times she has asked me to get her and then shortly after we get to my house she just disappears for a few hours.  

Back up. Jami has been living in a camper near the Lewis and Clark monument for most of the last year with Mike Watson. Mike is a meth dealer/user who doesn't use or supposedly approve of opiates or needle use. By keeping Jami on meth and isolated in the forest she is unable to get opiates.  When she would come here we were pretty sure it was Always just a way to get away from Mike and get drugs.  Rizzo, David Lemmons,  was suspected of being the one who helped her. Rizz and Mike (and others) have been "in love" with Jami for years and would do anything to be with her. Mike snapped her up the day Kirk was arrested last August. Before that, whenever Kirk couldn't get opiates Jami would pick a fight and then disappear. Rizz was top suspect back then, too. 

I talked to Rizz a couple of months ago and he admitted that he had picked her up several times the last year and got her high. He apologized but didn't/couldn't promise he never would again.

Back to This time. When I picked Jami up I brought up those oast visits and she said that opiates were no longer a problem. That she could even be around them and not be tempted. Of course we didn't believe that so we were trying to watch her. Reminded her how Kirk had died April 4th. 

Jami was in the basement doing laundry and I went to check and she was gone. I sent her a text saying this looked suspicious and was surprised she even responded. She texted that she had just run to the store. I could tell she was high. But I stupidly thought she had done it, survived,  would go to bed. We had made the living room futon into a bed for her and she was in there talking to Kira so I went to bed.

I was just falling asleep when I heard pounding on the front door.  It was Rizzo yelling where was the Narcan. 

I gave him the Narcan and ran out front where Jami was laying in the open driver's side of my van. I asked Rizz if we needed to call 911 and he said Not Yet. I got to Jami and felt her neck. She was stiff and had no pulse. I screamed "I'm calling 911!" but then my phone wouldn't dial. I ran in the house screaming for Jazz to call 911. She came out immediately and dialed 911 and handed me her phone. Rizz had used the Narcan and she still wasn't breathing. I started CPR as I was waiting for 911 to answer. Rizz asked if he could run and I said Yes. 911 answered and got the address and started coaching me thru CPR. I'm pumping while they were counting out the rhythm and I'm screaming HELP ME SOMEONE HELP ME. It was probably only a few minutes until I started seeing flashing lights but felt like forever. Jeremy took over compressions as the police were running up to us and I continued counting the rhythm for him. The EMTs came and took over. While I was pumping Rizz and then Jeremy would try blowing in her mouth. NO RESPONSE.  We got out of the way so they could work on her.  I just remember sitting on the steps howling in pain. An officer started asking me questions that I answered the best I could while trying to see what was going on. Suddenly they had her standing, she was alive!! Two EMTs rolled a gurney up and they loaded her on it. Alive. 

Then I could pay attention to the police. I gave them permission to search my van. They asked Who knocked on the door. I didn't tell them his name. They asked which way he went and I told them I wasn't sure because I wasn't. I just knew that this really wasn't his fault. Jami can call him and he will always show up because he wants her more than anything in the world.  He still does opiates but stopped shooting them a long time ago. They found 3 syringes in Jami's purse. Either she brought them or asked him to. 

I told the police her history, my history,  of trying to save her.  I begged them to check for warrants,  anything to detain her.  The officer said he would, for me to meet with them at the hospital. 

We went to UNMC er. There was confusion when I got there because she had given a false name. There were No Police there. They either left right away or never went there. 

I finally was allowed back to see her and the bed in her room was empty. I was sure she had run like last time but they said she was making a phone call. I told them she would run and they said that she couldn't,  that the area was sealed even though I know it isn't.  You could get into the hospital from the ER. Jami returned to her room. I was clearly in a state of shock, couldn't even deal with anything but I tried to talk to Jami. She was trying to blame Rizz and denied she used a needle. I asked her if she was through living, just didn't care if she died and she said No. She did finally explain her problem, her addiction the best she could and I believe it was honest.  She described how the craving would build up inside her until it was all that mattered. I think that is true for all of them. The risk of death becomes obscure in the NEED. She can't promise it won't happen again and she didn't try to.

The doctor came in and did a slight exam. He wanted exrays of her chest to check for broken ribs from the CPR. I appealed to him for help. He said there wasn't a social worker on Saturdays. That there was nothing they could do to detain her or help her further. That she would be released to to home. They got an xray and just let her go.

I brought her home. Asked her to lay down and I fell asleep around 6 am. I woke at 7 and it all REALLY hit me. I wanted to be close with her, wanted to go lay beside her and just listen to her breathe. She wasn't on the futon. A panicked search and I found her in the basement doing her laundry. I laid down to wait for her to come up and fell asleep again. I woke at 10 and she was gone. I searched but she wasn't here and her bag was gone. Everything was crashing down on me. I couldnt take it. Couldn't deal with it. I went to bed and slept the rest of the day and through the night.

New Life

 I do definitely feel like I was given a new lease at life when I survived having that aneurysm. I just have no clue what to do with it. When Kirk died and when I found out for sure it was an overdose I started thinking maybe I should be helping the drug Community. The invisible part of society that nobody cares whether they live or die. Or at least that's the way it seems. But what can I do? I've always wished there was a way I could help the homeless, the poor, the broken. Maybe this is where it should begin? But I have no idea how to start.

With Jeanette

 Robby called Thursday night asking us to please come over, David had beaten Jeanette.  We got there in 10 minutes,  the police were still there, and David was gone. I can't begin to describe what it feels like to see a daughter who's been attacked by a man!! 

We got the boys out of here and Jeremy and I sat with Jenise and Taylor and made plans to protect Jeanette. One or more of us have been here with her since then. Tonorrow she will file a protection order. That doesn't Really protect her but it will help 

The kids are terrified she will take David back. I know it is possible,  women do and she has before, but I think this is it. I pray this is it! He is over 7 feet tall, he could easily kill her and he is very mentally unstable. Like I've done, she thought she could help him. Save him. Like me, she got her ass beat for it. 

Her face is swollen and bruised and he knocked a tooth out. On social media he is claiming he was just Defending himself. I've seen the video. I saw Jeanette telling him to leave and trying to block his entry into the house. He throws her and punches her in the face. He actually posted that video saying it shows her attacking him!! 

No One has Ever liked him. He really is a total ASS. Ugly too. I've never understood except I know Jeanette tries to fix everyone. 

Some things just can't be fixed. Some things don't deserve to be fixed. 

So, I am at Jeanette's indefinitely. 

Michael update

 Mike and I have spent hours talking since his ride to the hospital. It is always just amazing how ALIVE he is. He's scared but cautiously hopeful as he continues to baffle doctors by still being coherent and not running a fever, in fact,  all of his vitals are amazingly normal. Even doctors say that either Mike is healing himself some how or God is. Of course both are true but Mike balks a little at God saving him because he doesn't want to seem to claim that he is Special. I told him that if he is Special it is because of the God in him, that it is not praising him but praising God.

Last night during our wandering conversation he told me a story about finding out we have an unnamed ancestor buried in an unmarked grave who was a serial killer. We were kind of going through our family tree looking at the truly crazy people on Dad's side when he told me the story. 

He also talked about our childhood, something we seldom have done. I started that one. Mike said something about Pride being a fault he has battled and still battles. I said that I have the same battle but that I understand where our prideful stance comes from, that because of the degrading and abusive way we were raised that we both amplified Self Pride to survive it. He immediately saw what I meant and agreed. 

It is just unbelievable the grounds we have covered in these talks and how much of it is healing for both of us. ❤❤❤❤❤❤

My Brother Michael II

My brother is dying. I don't say that believing it, I say what THEY say and what could possibly be happening.

Mike called me yesterday and told me he was doing an enema while standing up and slipped and fell and believed he had punctured his colon. I of course demanded that he go to a hospital ASAP. We talked as he and Terry drove to the ER and then have spoken regularly throughout this ordeal. He had a 4 point laparoscopic surgery not long after being admitted but then was told that he is still dying. That a tiny bit of fecal matter morphed into a flesh eating bacteria that is killing him. They are talking very extreme measures to try to save him such as removing ALL of the already affected organs. 

I want to be there with him so very very much!!!!!!

It reminds me of when my father had his first heart attack in Cape Cod. Mom was afraid that if she flew there to be with him that he would decide that he was dying, that he wouldn't fight to survive to make it home. No, I don't think that the case with Mike and me at all, it just comes to mind now and, by the way, Dad did survive to come home but then died a few days later in a Houston hospital.

This is not that. 

This is about the crime against life that we haven't seen each other in almost 20 years and didn't even speak for most of those. He is talking about that, deeply apologized for it with heartbreaking sincerity and regret. 

I see no way to travel to Texas now. Not only are both of us totally financially incapable I also don't know if I can or should travel so soon after my brain surgery. 

I am so With Him in spirit that I am barely here at home right now. Voices around me are like the noise of adults in old Charlie Brown cartoons. 

I have no clue if I can or will survive if I lose him. Even the years he shut me out he remained the very center of my heart and life. I have never existed in a world he wasn't present in.

Oh Michael.

Document self treatment

 I have to keep record of this somewhere 

I had my WEB procedure March 10th, 2022. I noticed the headache I have had the last year seemed a little better the next day. I was discharged that afternoon. 

The next day the headache was worse and continued to worsen until yesterday. 

On March 16th I saw Dr Ho because my arm still hurt from the arterial line that was there and she scheduled an ultrasound the following day. 

After the ultrasound I was taken straight to the ER where they explained that I had a 3 inch blood clot that needed immediate surgery or I might lose the arm. They were transferring me to Bergan Mercy where there was an arterial surgeon. 

Their surgeon had another scan done and said that the actual blood clot was small, that the pain and swelling were from the artery being inflamed from the procedure. 

Later I will comment on their pain "management". 

I also told them about the head pain but felt that Both seemed trivial to all doctors and nurses there. 

I was released again on the second day. I questioned Why would the artery be inflamed? Why did that not happen to everyone who had this procedure? My questions were ignored at best. I was told to use ice and tylenol for the pain and sent home.

The pain I was in was as close to unbearable as I have ever lived through. I knew without a doubt that if my family didn't need my income to survive together I would have killed myself. I don't have a gun and I didn't want to cause Dr. Gold any investigation if I overdosed so I thought I would find street drugs to use when I couldn't bear any more. 

The head pain outstripped the arm pain during the next few days. By March 21st no headache medicine gave Any Relief At All. I have fioricet and excedrine and aimovig and imitrex on hand, the first 2 were dulling the pain a little until the 21st. 

I called Immanuel Neurology and actually spoke to a human who advised drinking more water and seeing a doctor to check for a sinus infection. 

I had wondered if steroids might help because I was told that the head pain after a WEB procedure and the artery pain were from inflammation. I sent this question through the My Chart ap (which they say is the best, fastest, way to communicate with your doctors office, and got no response. I did at least get a call back about the pain I was in 3 days later. They offered oxycodone which I already have and have told them has NO effect on head pain.

I went to the CHI Benson clinic where i at least felt i was treated with respect and concern. They did believe a sinus infection was possibly making things worse for me and offered Doxycycline.  I asked if they would add a steroid and she readily agreed. I did not mention my hope that it might help more than a sinus infection.

I started the new meds that day and woke the next day with a "normal" headache.  For the next 3 days this has continued. The headache does get worse as the day goes on but I have been more functional and feel I am controlling it with excedrine. I haven't thought about blowing my head off for 3 days. That's a plus. 

The arm pain has either grown worse or more noticeable with the reduction of head pain.

I was very surprised to get a follow up call from Dr Singh who works with Dr Jani in neurology. I had net Dr Singh briefly in Immanuel ER before I was transferred to Bergan. He asked questions and LISTENED to my answers and says I should have another brain scan since the pain has now lasted so long.

I also got a call from a vascular surgery office because the Dr at Benson had actually called them. They scheduled me to be seen again on March 31.

Burn Book

 I've been scribbling in this Burn After Writing book of life questions I bought at 5 below last year but it isn't what I want. I bought Mom a book several years before she died that was called something like The Story of a Lifetime, THATS what I want!! I googled and maybe found one. It was around $30 when I bought Moms, most i saw today are quite a bit more. There is a used book store with them under $10 but how could a Used one work unless it wasn't ever actually used?? I found Mom's,  still blank, after she died but it was lost in the storage fiasco when we moved in with Jeanette. 

I may buy one still. Try the cheap used one and if it is useless maybe I can save up to buy a good one. 

Maybr.

OK Now What

 What do you do with a miracle you know you do not personally deserve?

WEB Tomorrow Morning

 I should have made a will, left letters, etc and have done so little of such. 

I saw Dr Gold yesterday and he assures me that Dr Jani is the best but he also arranged fasting prayer for me. He's not positive Dr Jani won't need a little help to keep me alive!!

10 day countdown

 So, I have to survive 10 days to the procedure and then survive the procedure and then make it to that 1 year mark of safety. Piece of cake. 

I ask why get the miracle of them accidentally finding this aneurysm and then die from it anyway? For the viscous irony maybe.  Or a chance to say goodbyes?? Should I be saying them? I am trying to make some kind of plans for my death but it all seems so impossible.  

I know they will all survive without me.  I just have no clue how.  I've talked to Meezy, he has promised to take care of them but I have no idea how and doubt he does either. Actually I only asked for one thing. I asked him to promise that Jess would Never be homeless. He gave that promise and then added the rest. 

I want the girls to finish growing up together but I also don't see how that would happen unless Meezy really can do it. I see his family stepping in and claiming Jazz but his mother doesn't care for Kira at all.

I've always rather depended on Jeanette stepping on but now with her health failing and her personal problems with repairing her relationship with David I doubt she can do it. Plus her animosity towards Jess over how Jess treats me ~ that's a mess. 

I have talked to Joey about looking out for Kira. She is more than willing but so Young!! Mikey agreed years ago to be executor of estate for Kira but I never put it on paper. At the time I felt very badly about the insult to Jeremy in that BUT Jeremy is Not capable of managing anyone, not even himself. 

I go around and around and always come back to I CAN'T DIE YET. 

But oh Lord I might!!

Waiting

 Has time ever crawled by this slowly? 

My WEB Procedure is scheduled for March 10th and the days are passing So Slow. Time has been passing in a blur for years but now a day feels like a week. 

Should I be making final arrangements? Do I have any to make that will matter? Good bys to say?

I can't forget about it at all. My head hurts constantly as it has for over a year. Some days I can barely see. Am I going to survive this?

Miracle for WHO

 Some believe I just experienced a Miracle and I suppose I did.

Last Tuesday I had extremely blurred central vision. My daughter told me to check my BP which was a little high, 145/105. I took a Metoprolol and it continued to climb over the next 4 hours. At 170/120 my left hand went numb. I called my doctor, Co Tho Ho, MD whose nurse advised I come in at noon to be checked. Dr. ho called back in 20 minutes and told me to go straight to the ER to be looked at. When I got to Immanuel ER I was triaged immediately and began Stroke Protocal testing and was admitted. 

All of the basic tests were done and 2 CAT scans followed by an MRI were done. 

NO CAUSE FOR MY SYMPTOMS were found. 

BUT while looking a brain aneurysm was "accidentally" found. 

They say an aneurysm like mine was never found until it ruptured. Purely an accidental discovery.

I still went through another day of testing looking for the cause of the original synotoms. Bloodwork, heart CAT scan, a thoroughal opthmalogical exam. NO CAUSE OF SYMOTOMS was found and those symptoms just disappeared. 

Without them I would likely have died and the aneurysm found in my autopsy.

So I am sitting here with WHY.

My Life?? I have very little value and I know it. Have known it for years. 

So I think of the disciples questioning why a man was born blind. Was it his sin or the din of his fathers. Jesus replies that it was Neither, that it was simply so those present could witness Jesus healing him.

So I am looking. WHO is MY miracle for?

Maybe no one if I don't share it.

Kira 13

 We managed to get 2 hotel rooms at Red Top for Kira's birthday. I think it went well, the kids mostly had fun.