Money(un)wise

I am realizing a huge regret, my attitude towards money. I think it started after my father died when my mother became Head of the Household and it became a huge part of my rebellion against her. Money was so important to her which is understandable with her living through WWII in Japan. She didn't talk a lot about her family but often mentioned how her father had saved from a meager income to put his 4 daughters through college. I don't think she really had any idea of the poverty my father came from. Americans probably all seemed well off, the Great American Dream etc. I remember being poor when I was very young even at one point living in Aunt Johnny's basement.  Then Daddy made his fake college resume and began working as an engineer first at Vandenberg AFB and then NASA when the call for all Geeks went out to put man on the moon. When we moved to Houston he bought his first home,  a brand new 4 bedroom ranch style house in Sagemont. He couldn't get homeowners insurance because he had Childhood Arthritis.  I remember a lot of talk about that and then he died at 38 years old 2 years later. Mom had to sell the big house and bought a much smaller one in the Beverly Hills subdivision which is an old mostly middle class area and Mom had to get a job. Her pharmaceutical degree was barely acknowledged in the US so she started with a fairly menial job at Merit Pharmaceutical. 

My older brothers were a big influence on my attitude towards Mom and her attitude towards money. We accused her of only caring about money and there was some truth to that but, again, she definitely had her reasons to be the way she was. 

The stupid part I am realizing is how I let it effect my whole life and the life of my family.  I took a firm stand against the love of money very young and then embraced it for a life of poverty.  WHY? I've always been a proud Giving Person helping everyone and taking in almost anyone in need no mater how little I had. 

Not I am 65 and live in a dump in the ghetto, raising kids here! and it looks like every except Jessalynn is following my lead. How do I change/fix this?? Can I??? 

Why do deaths destroy us??

I watch a lot of 20/20, Dateline,  etc so I see a lot of people dealing with death. It is so traumatic! I've been through it, too, and it is always crushing. Lately watching Dateline I started wondering why?? Death has been certain since life began. It supposedly one of the two certainties of life ie "death and taxes". So why does it shock and devastate us? It also seems like man has come up with many ideas of Afterlife to make death easier to deal with throughout history and many find comfort there but it is still a huge tragedy for everyone.  Why in the thousands of years man has been here have we not come to peace with death? I have no clue and I don't deal with it any better than anyone else. The death of my Obi was the last one that crushed me. 

And now I look at facing my own death a lot and my biggest fear is how it might effect people who care about me. How do i make it easier for Jami, Jeanette and Jenise?? Can I?Even those who are fortunate enough to have strong faith in the Afterlife still grieve deeply. I am one of those. I just can't believe that death is the End. The other day Kira said she believes death is just final and that she is happy to believe that and everyone listening was shocked including me. It's good that she is fine with that but odd compared with how mankind has always needed the Afterlife belief. 

But my point is what I first said here.  Why haven't we come to terms with death?? Even with Kira's belief, or lack of belief? she will still grieve the loss of those close to her. I can't fix this any more than anyone else can but it's just been the thing that makes me go Hmmm lately.

Still overall feeling better 😊

I'm doing pretty well these days! I don't seem to get a lot more done but I feel a lot more active. I've been walking Nova more and done a little cleaning. The main physical issue I have to deal with is nausea but I did schedule an appointment with a UNMC gastrointestinal doctor. Unfortunately the soonest appointment I could get was June 24th but time flies. When Grammy was 99 years old she talked about how time goes faster every year and it is So True. At 99 her days probably felt like 10 minutes because for me at 65 it feels like most days are only a few hours long! 

Not having a car right now really sucks. Our finances in general suck but

We've been through and survived worse for sure!!!

I am sure that a lot of feeling better is feeling LOVED lately. I have Jess taking care of me with Jeremy also doing everything he can and some Awesome grandchildren.  Especially my Jenise. She always seems so genuinely happy to see me it just makes my whole world brighter. 

I deeply regret that my mother didn't feel this love and care more! The little good time I had to take care of her and show her caring love was so short. I live for the memory of Mom's face when I would make her a special snack or treat. Now, it is sad that she said "I'm sorry for never noticing how nice you are!" but it also felt good at the time. And it has to be my fault that she didn't know me. 

I used to Beg her to move to Omaha with me so I could take care of her but she would say yes and then call and say she just couldn't picture leaving Texas and the Japanese people she had there. Only 3 of them showed up for her funeral but many had died already or they drifted apart. But my last 7 years with Steve really sucked. I should have gone to her sooner. 

So I feel a little guilty with the richness of the care I have now even though I know she is happy that I do. Mom was so worried about dying when I had no one but Jeremy. She made me promise to stay with him saying that he had "honest eyes " and would never abandon me. She was right about that but I've ended up with so much more. 

wise old woman

If I pictured living to be old I pictured I would be a wise old woman doling out wisdom to the young.  Hah. The young teach me all the time. Of course, it is a sort of wisdom to know that. 

I certainly don't feel wise. Most of the time I actually feel silly more than anything.  

Jess extending my life

Yea, it looks like I could be here for a while longer especially with Jess controlling my diet. I'm actually Loving this!! I usually just try to eat what is planned for the house or just eat Ramen or bread when their food is too spicy or something. Not since the high Alkfas!! Jess is making me Special Meals full of vegetables and fish!! Things I actually love. She has researched and found salt and butter substitutes that are fine and most of the meals look and taste gourmet!!! 

The best part is that I KNOW she loves me❣️❣️❣️

Next is the Mike recommended coffee enema which I hope makes up for me not wanting to drink the recommended 4 to 6 cups of coffee a day. I never expected drinking coffee to be a part of my healing! Funny, the Mormans say coffee is bad because it tans the liver and now they say it Heals the liver!!

I do wonder that when my "fatty Liver" was diagnosed by Laura 10 years ago she Never said anything about diet or anything correcting it but the infectious disease doctor says it can be done still even after all this time.  

So, here we go, I need to survive until the 15 year Olds are at least 18 and I just might!

Gonna b here a bit

I thought I was going to check out soon,  and I might, but not right away. I saw Infectious Disease yesterday and they seem fairly calm about my chances of recovering from the things ailing me, granulomatous disease with high alkaline phosphatase. I went we xpexting a death sentence.  It might still he one; they took 5 vials of blood for testing and now I Wait.