Jami here briefly

 Jami was here briefly. I told her to leave again pretty quick. I really didn't want it to go that way,  did I? Yes,  I was still upset about how she left before and I didn't invite her back - actually it was still too soon - but I did want to work something out.  I got the feeling that she really doesn't want to "work things out", she just wants to be able to keep doing whatever she wants.  It was sad just trying to confront her by text. She just can not say "I was lying" without at least a but.  The closest she came was saying that she was "out of line". And that has always been sad. So much just unresolved through the years.  And there's that thing of her actually believing a lot of what she says. I didn't hope to really change that. Just wanted to try making it clear that I would no longer ever turn a blind eye.  Never should have.  

I don't think she can live with that.

But I also know this isn't her only option before actually being homeless.  It just until now required the least from her. 

Jeremy

 I still think about him a lot.  More than I want to.  But I believe that will lessen with time.  I miss him once in a while but the guy I miss is not the one we have lived with these last ten years.  If I miss him I miss the guy I met and immediately realize that I have been missing that guy for years.  I don't miss the guy who left here at all.  When I think of him I am relieved he is gone.  I do hate to think of him in pain or miserable but I really doubt he is.  Not any more than he was before he left and very likely he is probably happier.  I don't like that I had to make him hate me to make him leave.  It took at least ten years to get him to go!! and from the first time I told him to leave to the very last I sincerely believed it would be better for him than staying and being miserable and making everyone around him miserable.  But it is a lot like when someone dies here,  at least within my household.  They seem to not remember anything about how terrible he was and how much they all complained about him every single day.  Complained To Me.  I am so glad that is over!! but with this speak-no-evil-of-the-dead-attitude it's actually pretty nauseating to live around.  

Fare thee well.

Our Home

 I do love how much safer it feels where we live now. Where I bought this house. It's still"North O" but a safe part. It's quiet here almost all of the time.  To much traffic on the street,  3 elementary schools within a mile or so,  but it's much more peaceful here.  I'm seldom afraid of anything going on around us. We are probably one of the more frightening neighbors around here. I hope my family can hang onto this place as long as it is like this.  

I worry a lot about after I am gone.  I want Jessica and Jeanette to share ownership of the house and take in family that needs it.  I would put it in their name but then the house won't be tax except.  I suppose I need to write a real will,  the kind with legal help.  I also need to take care of writing a Living Will so no one stresses about how I die.  So much I should take care of soon!! But tonight,  I am just glad we are here.  

What would i say

... to Jami if I could? 

Jeanette sick

 Im worried. Jeanette had a hematoma on her cervix and go one is helping her.  She can't even get an ultrasound done. Our medical system has been screwed up ever since covid and it takes forever to get anything done and our government is going to make it all much worse over the next 4 years. 

This world has become very frightening 

And yet

 Well.  That didn't go well.  Jami was here yesterday.  I think she really wanted to come home but it was so strange a way to attempt it.  I think she wanted to come back here but to bee unaccountable for what had gone on before or the way she left.  She went on the offense for a defense which wouldn't be a bad idea except she seemed to just want to hold me accountable for how She was treated here.  Which wasn't quite the way she says.  She cane it front to talk to me but when she started this I did I didn't want to talk to her and got up to go in and she said,  No, you are going to talk to me,  and tried to stop me from opening the screen door.  We struggle a minute and I got in and she pretty much stored fighting and let me shut the door but then stood out there yelling and ringing the bell nonstop.  I had to call the police for her to stop.  And it is all just sad.  I don't get it or if I do get it is just so bizarre I start to rethink it because it just seems unreal that she could hope to gain anything like she tried. It's like double talk. 

I really hate this but it always ends here.

And I have never figured out why.