Night Owl

 My days and nights are back to owl status.  I haven't done this for years because of the kids school and because for a long time I just woke at 7am no matter what. Not sure why this happened.  It's not good for having to get kids to school and early appointments but I must admit that it has always been what seemed the most natural for me and almost all of my relatives.  Night Owls.  I will switch back real soon but once the girls have cars and are driving to school and work I'll be able to have whatever schedule that I want 😁.

Oh and this isn't great with it being time to start my vegetable garden.

Loving home

 I do love that we have a home that we feel safe in.  And it is ours. Yes,  it's the middle of the night and a police helicopter is circling overhead right now,  but that is a rare thing here and at least they don't have the spot light on our house!

Wow.  They are checking low.  Can you see if they are using night vision???

Free lumber for garden

 Jami and I went and got old lumber from where they are rebuilding the Fontenelle Youth Center,  looks like they're was a fire,  but I mostly need it to build my raised garden beds.  It was hard as hell work,  most of the time was spent removing and hammering down the old nails,  but it felt a lot like "old times"  when we pulled stuff together all the time.  Like raiding thrift store dumpsters on Sunday nights after the garage sales closed. I'm so sore I can hardly move,  and I bet she hurts,  too! but it felt good and I have what I need to start nice raised bed gardens.  😃

Martha

 Jess  has said she feels life the Martha. In glad that I never told her to start doing all of the house work. She just started after I couldn't and then Jeremy wouldn't.  I'm grateful for it. She keeps the house looking fairly decent and prepares good meals.  In return I have her the running of this house.  Let her pretty much be the Boss which i guess also makes her the Martha.  Years ago when I was doing it all including laundry for sometimes 7 kids Jessica pretty much never helped.  And she trashed whatever space she had. The landlady had to hire someone to deodorize and clean Jessica's room at the yellow house.  All of the upstairs at the Meredith house was trashed except for Kiras room. Now I feel sorry for her sometimes when I hear her vacuuming at night or when she cleans the litter boxes every day making owning cats so my better! I seem to forget the years I did it all and then the years Jeremy barely did it while bitching about having to do the little he did at the top of his lungs.  If you walked through the Meredith house barefoot your feet would be black with  filth. Jami and Kirk did most of the trashing of the basement there but Jeremy didn't do much better.  The basement here was beautiful when we moved in.  It's an embarrassing eyesore most of the time now.  But socks don't get black walking without shoes in the house and the kitchen is always clean. Thank you, Jess! My room is terrible,  has been for months,  but I hope to fix it more now that I'm feeling a little better. And I'm trying to put in a garden.  This year I will profit more than I spend on it. Jess and Kira have always refused to eat anything I grow. They trust vegetables from the grocery store full of pesticides and handled by strangers,  often in Mexico,  more that they trust what I grow.  I'm going to force the issue this year. We are spending over a thousand a month on food now. Eggs are over $5 a dozen and everything had been outrageously expensive since Covid.  They will eat it or go hungry. I made laundry soap that would save us $30 a month and they refused to use it. It was more pure and effective than store bought.  It mostly got left when we moved here. I hope to make it again and make them use it.  They but a LOT of expensive unnecessary groceries.  Jess uses online recipes that complicate simple dishes like goulash and chili. Pot pies that are costly but delicious but I know the cheap way to do it is delicious too. I probably can't change these things but the financial situation might make it get better and growing vegetables will help.  I'm looking at getting chickens,  too. 

One thing about the"expense" of Jess's cooking: I was raised by the generation who survived the Great Depression, meaning I was taught to be extremely frugal,  probably excessively so.  They may need to know those things in this world some day but I don't want to make them learn it now if I don't have to.  And Jess's gnocchi if amazing and worth whatever it costs!!

Ok. Sleep now??

What keeps me awake

 I don't know why I'm awake. It's 3:48 am. The kids are both out of town,  I actually did some yard work today and a little cleaning,  and I can't sleep.  It is so hard to turn off my brain at night.  Or any time.  And it is too often the same things going through my head almost all of the time.  

I spend a lot of time trying to figure out why so many in my family despise me.  Treat me with absolute disrespect.  Probably wish I would just go ahead and die.  This is Lindsey,  Joey, Jessalynn,  and Brandon.  Most of the time, in some ways,  Brandon bothers me the most.  So much hatred and he knows so very little about me! Who I  am.  Who I have been.  He plead with My Family to realize that I AM CONTROLING THEM. That is just wild to me.  I might wish I COULD control my family,  I sure would worry about them a lot less!! Lindsey,  as I have said,  didn't bother me so much.  I understand that she says she has no memory of her young years with Steve and me.  Add to that her bipolar and drug issues and the brain bled she had at birth,  plus her horrific childhood after Jami and Mikey took her from me,  and I can understand,  I can handle she doesn't really love me.  I'm not even sure that she loves her own children. How did she live with not having Addie with her for So Long?? I couldn't be away from my children when they were little.  Not like that! Steve and I tried to leave the girls with my brother,  Mike,  when we went in our honey moon and we were in Galveston mess than an hour and went and got the girls.  No, Lindsey is Different. Sadly maybe like he own mother. ? And I don't really stress a lot about Joey. I don't really know her or how she was raised to believe and act.  She might be treating me the way she was taught to treat me.  I know Mikeys parents blame me for how the kids were raised while he was with Jami and for all I know Mikey blames me for it to them,  he really hated admitting he was at fault! as much as I blame him.  And that's a lot!! I thoroughly believe Lindsey's life would have been a hell of a lot better if he and his parents hadn't helped Jami end my guardianship of Lindsey.  Joey has some pretty messed up ideas about her mother,  too. She seems to really resent that Jami hasn't been a mother.  I'm betting Mikey never told her that he had children with Jami knowing she was a drug addict and he told me that they had an agreement that he would take complete care of the kids when Jami had them.  Add to that the fact that he became a drug addict himself and that he had never admitted any responsibility for how they lost the girls to DHS. He certainly never apologized to me for the horrific things he's done to me.  Ok, yes, that's another thing I can get caught up in thinking about.  But when a man makes you sit in a chair while his drug addicted wife his you over and over screaming acusations for things that NEVE HAPPENED and then threatens you to be careful who you tell about it (he walked in on me sneaking a phone call for help after Jami got tired of hitting me) , well,  that can really mess with your head!! Jessalynn's disrespect and abhorrense of me REALLY BOTHERED ME for the first year,  that night have been the most pain I've ever felt,  but I built armor against her long before her Boyfriend decided to give me a piece of his tiny mind. Years before Jessalynn went in the attack against me over Jeremy I used to wonder if kids sometimes if I was raising grandchildren who were going to hate me. Funny,  I want thinking of Jessalynn when I would think about that. I had so much made her the center of my world for so many years I never really thought she could ever be hateful towards me.  I felt that she was a little disrespectful a few times when she was in high school but I was also the one she called for WM EVERYTHING for all those years.  I know Jess was doing a lot of meth (long after Jessalynn believed it) and always saying hateful things about me to everyone,  including Jessalynn,  and even though Jessalynn would tell me that she didn't believe her mother I still am pretty sure all that hated had some effect on her.  She must have shared some of that with Brandon?? Or maybe he got all of his twisted thinking from listening to and believing Jeremy.  Funny,  Jeremy had tried to tell his lies about me to every one in the family at some time and he always got called out and shut down until gullible Brandon came along.  The year before he came around Jessalynn told me, sometimes  Every Day, that she hated Jeremy and that I was wrong to not throw him out.  I have to think that Brandon became a believer. I don't know how she did so well in school because I never thought she was really very bright. I did a lot of homework with her in high school and was surprised she even passed some of her classes the way she would do her work. Shoddy.  But I guess Good enough to get to and through college!! Then there is Kira now. The one I adopted.  She is unbelievably hateful to me. Yes,  she tries to act like she cares sometimes but it is so clear that she despises me. Another one who blame me for Jeremy after doing nothing but complain about him FOR YEARS. Fine. It hurt but I've been building that wall with her like I had to with Lindsey.  And I don't think She is very nice in general but thinks she is. No one I know does. She is selfish,  entitled,  spoiled,  rude, crude,  and invidious most of the time.  She talks to me with barely concealed contempt,  sometimes not concealed at all.  I stopped crying about it a long time ago. 

I do have respectful,  living grandchildren. Jeanette's children all treat me just amazing,  every one of them. Robby has lost his temper with me a couple of times but it never felt like an attack On Me. He sometimes attacks people because he is depressed and having a hard time with growing up.  I understand.  Riley and Jenise alone are enough to make up for the hateful ones and Phillip is right in there, too. Jazz has never ever been disrespectful.  She is not overly loving but she's like that with everyone. Jazz is the most fair minded of them all and is anyways taking up for the underdog and always very loyal to those she cares about.  Jenise is the best human being out of all the kids and Jazz runs a close second or maybe it's a tie.  Jazz doesn't talk much,  I go days in the same house and don't even see her but what I do see is just GOOD. 

What I hate if when I start to wonder if I am the common denominator among the hateful kids? or if it about issues they have??? I know that Jeanette and Jami see the other kids pretty much the same way that I do.  It actually makes me feel a little better realizing that. And they both love and stand by Me.  Jess doesn't so much. She does a lot for me and says loving things but she also does Nothing to defend me when I am attacked no matter how disrespectfully I am treated. When it was Jessalynn and I asked her to help me out at least listen to my side of it she backed away and whispered "but she's My Daughter". When I am attacked by Jessalynn,  Brandon,  or Jeremy she NEVER SAYS "But that's My Mother". I think some where in her she still hates me. I'm an obligation she takes care of so I will take care of her. That's how that feels.  And it isn't that her mental condition makes her unable to stand up for people because she sure as he'll stand up for Jessalynn (as she should!),  Brandon,  and Jeremy. Oh,  I also have our Shyloni.  Again,  never disrespectful. Honestly loving.  So I have 4 grandchildren who despise me.  Is it a coincidence that included all Jami's children?? I don't know Michelle.  Joey forbade me to really to get to know her several years ago ( even though she emphatically denies ever doing it now!) But I'm afraid that Michelle will take her cue from Lindsey and Joey.  I had a chance to see her when they picked Kira up today but I knew it wouldn't be good with Joey there.  And Kira.  But really,  why is it mostly Jami's children?? Jessica affected Jessalynn and Brandon but Jami really had no hand in raising the others.  Maybe it's in their DNA to hate me. No,  I know that's B S, BUT really,  WHY?? Mikey's influence?? 

No no no. I have to just block out the assholes and keep in mind the good ones.  They are more than enough. Amc Jenise is growing another one for me 💕💕💕. 

I should sleep soundly and live badly indeed if not for stressing and constantly trying to think of how to "fix this". So talking to them in my head.  Definitely stop hoping they will apologize for treatung me like Shit and become decent humans.  Stop letting it get my feelings that they say and do hateful things.  Just forget them.  

I took out life insurance so Kira could be taken care of after I'm gone.  She knows about it and it is nauseating that she keeps asking and about that money.  I lived longer than I ever expected. She is now capable of working and definitely taking care of herself.  I'm going to change that policy.  I changed it to go  to Jenise when I took Jeremy off the policy but I'm thinking I want it to help my daughters keep this house.  I put it in Jessica's name but she is terrible about money and knows nothing about losing bills.  I need to at least add Jeanette or just put it in her name.  If I die before Kira is out of school she will get my social security until she graduates. That should be enough for her and she is capable of and plans to keep working. too. I hope Jeanette and Jess will do whatever they can to take care of Jami.  I can't leave her money or ownership of this house. She's on methadone but she still is and acts like a drug addict. I don't even understand how she hadn't really had a job for decades unless you count when she was dealing drugs.  She's still smart,  can be brilliant, but somehow does Nothing productive At All. She always had a plan to do SOMETHING but somehow never does. She should have at least applied for SSI by now.  Nothing.  She trashed the part of the house she uses every time.  The basement is a nightmare again.   No.  I can't trust her with the house or money any more than she can be trusted to take care of Kira. She messed up bad with Kids again lost week.  Kira gave her money to get her some tea from Walmart and Jami told her she would get it and for her to wait up for her to get back.  It was already around 10pm. She decided to go to a casino with Dave and got home at around 1:30am without the tea. Kira didn't wait up for her but she was Really Pissed Off. I hate how Kira blows up over everything but she had good reason to be pissy about this except I've told her all of her life to NEVER depend on her mother so she doesn't get let down.  I guess she thought this time might be different.  I really can't believe Jami did it to her and if course she doesn't take responsibility for it.  She just said something about hoe she had a messed up night.  

Ok. I'm going to try to sleep again.  Maybe writing all of this again will cleanse my brain and heart for a while. I can't keep letting the hate torture me.  I don't want to learn to just hate them in return,  I fight that, but wonder sometimes if that would make it better??...

Respect

What is the true meaning of respect?        "politeness, honour, and care shown towards someone or something that is considered important"

That is the Google answer.  I looked it up trying to understand why I apparently am like Rodney Dangerfield, whose hook line was "I get no respect". 

I do get respect from most people.  Most important to me,  I've received respect from my mother and brothers Even though the respect from my mother came very late in her life,  pretty much on her death bed,  and Mike spent a decade trying to destroy all respect anyone had for me.  My mother was largely influence by Mike for several years and by just never really getting to know me until she was dying. Mike is a much more complicated story that sadly started with an old grudge.  A very old grudge he likely still holds but has decided to overlook in our old age. If course I would rather h could see what happened between us now clearly but Mom told me that he never would and she was right.  But,  I understand those things.  What I don't understand,  what I find myself fighting to understand,  is the total disrespect from at least 3 of my 9 grandchildren.  Lindsey. Joey. Jessalynn. And maybe Kira. I can almost understand Lindsey. Or at least excuse her.  She is a sociopath from birth,  doesn't truly respect any one that I know of,  and when you add bipolar and drug abuse it's a mess.  And,  honestly, Lindsey has taken the trouble to show huge respect at times even though she has almost no memory of the years Steve and I took care of her.  Joey didn't grow up around me at all and was raised by people I really don't know,  some I don't like the things I do know,  so maybe there are things there I don't know.  Jessalynn is one of the most confusing for me.  She was the grandchild I did Everything for.  Dad was lost dating everything that moved and Jess just couldn't handling the world and battled addiction for years,  so i tired to be there for her from when she was 4 years old through her first year of college.  I try to find an excuse for her,  the only one is that her mother actively hated me for years and was always whispering in her ear how terrible and narcissistic I was.  I knew it at the time but let myself believe Jessalynn wasn't really effected by it.  I was the closest person to her,  always the one she called for everything and the one she wanted taking care of her whenever she was sick or hurt.  Jeanette told me that Jeremy poisoned her"against" me but how could he when her mother couldn't? (If her mother couldn't?) The year before Brandon Jlynn told me almost daily that I was wrong to let Jeremy stay (and I was telling him and telling him he needed to leave!) so when she told me the way I treated him was "disgusting" at first I thought it was a joke.  I know Brandon has a huge influence on that but still don't get it.  I do hate Jeremy for it But I am aware that he should have never been able to do it.  Maybe to Brandon, he's not the sharpest crayon, but Jessalynn should have had years of just knowing better.  This really isn't on Jeremy or Brandon so much as Jessalynn. 

It isn't just them.  There were those years Jess hated me even as I took care of her! and Jami still holds these things.  They are both pretty extremely mentally ill and have a horrendous history of drug abuse.  If you google drug abusers blaming their parents and lying about them it is pitifully common.  

But I can't stop seeing that I AM THE COMMON DENOMINATOR here.  

I should be afforded respect just for my old age in an older society.  But even without that,  I have singlehandedly held together my household against all odds for decades. When I was with Steve he was weak and had zero clarity on how to survive anything.  That was all me.  Then Jeremy was more helpless than anyone I've ever known.  It's been Me.  I KNOW  this.  So what the hell is this???? I got if thru a freaking Pandemic with Jeremy refusing to take a job that was "beneath him"!!! On just my SSI and a couple of government Covid payouts!!! 

After I'm gone

 Still a major stress.  I want this house in Jess and Jeanette's names but if I do it before I die I have to pay property taxes.  I do believe it will take both of them to maintain this house.  They will have almost $4000 a year in taxes and insurance plus upkeep. 

I should turn the basement into an apartment for Nett and the boys ASAP but I have Dave here at least until he gets his hernia surgery (which technically he should have already done!) and then have to figure out firing them in with Jami here if she doesn't figure things out.  I know she doesn't want to be here with the "rules" , doubt she followed them still.  Her plan was to get committed and then they file her disability and get her housing but I don't know how realistic that is or if she even really wants to do it.  She believes she can get SSI for her bipolar but I'm not sure about that any more.  Plus I wonder how it might count against her that I was filling for her when she left the hospital AMA after her coma.  So Dumb.  Her thing for Mike and Meth has screwed her life so badly!! 

So,  figure out how to leave this house.  I hope they will provide Jami shelter when needed,  I believe they will,  but no guarantees after I'm gone!! I'm not even sure they will share with each other! And then there are the grandchildren.  I don't Jessalynn will ever need it,  God because I would burn it down before I wanted Brandon in here,  but there are the other kids.  I hope they can all find shelter here when needed but always temporary while Jess and Nett live. I believe Jenise and Phillip will figure it all out and be able to survive with their little (Maybe big?) family and they have his family to fall back on, too. Robby should find his way,  too. Riley could struggle.  I think he will either struggle some or make it Big,  he could go either way.  I was sure that Jazz and Jess were headed for college after high school and headed for good lives but the way they have struggled with high school has me doubting that.  Jazz will have some back up from Lamar's family but Kira won't really have anything like that.  She will get social security until she is 19 or as long as she stays in school after I'm gone.  Again,  depending on this administrations plans for social security! Surely that program is safe???? 

I wish I had planned longer and better for them all.  I REALLY never expected to live much past 50, old age is such a huge surprise!!! 

I only have $20000 life insurance because I started it so late. Lamar started one for Jazz and Shy at the time but he says he let it lapse so mine might have to help all of them???  It was for Jeremy to finish raising Kira when I started it.  Now he is gone and she is almost raised.  Most of it should go to the girls to maintain this house but if Jess gets on SSI getting $20000 could mess that up.  I know Kira still believes it is all for her.  I'll have to explain that eventually.  

The good old days when you just waited for your girls to "make a good marriage" and be taken care of!! Did that ever actually exist?? Now we have equality (gone too far?) and I have started a mariachal society in this family!! 

This is a mess.  I guess I can't die for a while! but the superstitious part of me is terrified to say that!  

What will happen to my family???

Jami returned for real

 I thought I already wrote this?? Jami showed up beat the hell up just like I was afraid she would.  A few weeks ago?? No Adamay. I felt terrible about that but I just can't have her here.  Just being a Pit is bad enough without her being one exposed to both Mike and Meth. 

She said she wants to go in a psych ward but I'm not sure if she meant that. She Does need to figure out disability or a way to make money.  SSI is looking pretty shake with this administration.  I think mine is OK but wonder if Jeremy will be affected?? Don't know.  Frightening for this whole country.  Everything is.