A Day

I get up and go outside and then work in the garden and the yard all day every day.  Every day.  Sometimes until after dark.  If I have to drive kids I take them where they need to go and go back to work until I just can't do anything else.  Disabled.  Emphysema.  Arthritis. Ehlers Danlos. Lower heart malfunction.  Hypertension. Interstitial cystitis. Brain microbleed. Spinal Stenosis. Herniated Discs. Cysts in both Knees. I beat the shit out of those things almost every day.  

But somehow it seems like people think I don't do Anything all day every day.  

This family is something else. 

LOSS

 Surely I have not been through any more loss than any one else my age.  Maybe I just really struggle with dealing with Loss. 

My Aunt Johnny started it.  Then my father,  that was a huge one in so many ways! Then my first "crush",  My niece, Linda,  and really her mother,  Terry,  who became Terri after her coma, and was Never Terry again. Then Herbert.  That one almost literal killed me.  I came a hair from following him to the grave.  Jami's best friend,  Sara. Then a string of losses that weren't deaths. Loss of The Church when we found out Oran had stolen All of our daughters innocence.  Another one that almost killed all of us.  It ultimately killed my marriage to Steve even tho we struggled together another 15 miserable years trying Not To Be a statistic.  Losing Jami to addiction.  Huge. Still dealing with That one.  Lost Lindsey when she was only 6 years old to Jami and Mikey and then John,  which ultimately destroyed her.  That one was another that I didn't know if I could survive it.  Losing Steve for real in 2001 that again,  almost killed me,  not only because he was systematically poisoning me,  but I just really actually thought marriage was "till death so us part". I lost my mind for a long time after that one.  

Jeanette visit 🙂

 Jeanette came and stayed a few hours yesterday.  Always great to have he over!! She grounds me sometimes and is anyways teaching me the new things she is learning.  I think i will really enjoy when she finally moves in. 

Riley

 So very proud of my boy!!! He's doing good in the Omaha Street School 😄. He goes every day so far and seems to like it after getting over the strict rules.  He proudly has good grades in all of his class.  It doesn't hurt that they have to order in food, no cafeteria,  and i mean good food that he mostly likes.  And the girls are cute. But he is doing his assignments and says he is LEARNING got the first time in years,  probably since 5th grade!!! ❤️❤️❤️ 

Lindsey ???

 Rumor is that Lindsey is in Ohio, Addie is back with Max, and Bella is with Jake and Lindsey and Jake are divorced.  Not sure about that last one,  wasn't sure they legally got married and then how would they get divorced so fast??  I got all that in bits and pieces from Kira, Jess, and Jami.  I'm afraid for Lindsey.  I think the kids are ok, but both Max and Jake are pretty strange.  Addie acted like a girl who's been molested when she got here from Max. I'm pretty sure the issue is still drugs and maybe the bipolar for Lindsey. Joey disowned me over Lindsey. (Addressing me as "Rhoda" was that,  right??) Joey defended Lindsey fiercely about whether or not she was doing drugs and if the meth in the car when Lindsey was arrested was hers.  Everyone except Joey and Jake KNEW Lindsey had been strung out for Months,  maybe longer? No one but Lindsey and Jami know whose meth was in that car.  I just know how careless it was for her to smoke weed right outside the entrance to A BIG grocery store!! Jami wasn't even in the car,  just Lindsey and a drug dealer.  I knew Lindsey wouldn't get any real Jail Time for it. Small amount,  first offense. I did hope that she might get some kind of Probation period,  drug testing, the would slow her down if not make her Stop. 

Jake was a Hero Man exactly like Mike Manning.  Hero Men believe they are saving women while they are just enabling them.  Is the world full of them?? Probably.  The parallels between Jami and Lindsey are frightening.  Where will this cycle end? Steve and I tried to stop it from starting with Lindsey but Mikey helped Jami take her and here we are.  Will it continue with Addie and/or Annabella?? Will Lindsey find another Hero Man and try to gather her chicks again?? 

I'm afraid for Lindsey but have no idea how to even help her, let alone Save Her.  I never figured out how to "save" Jami. I currently house her but she takes her methadone, smokes her meth,  and does nothing for herself. All her friends are drug addicts. My basement is coated in meth. You can smell it down there. No.  I don't know how to save Anyone.  

Drowned

Heart

 My heart feels funny the last few days.  Rattly. 

Week II

 3 days to Jasmines driving test!! She is driving her car to school and picking up the boys from the Omaha Street School afterwards right now.  Kira's car still isn't ready but maybe today?? 

Figure out the first week

 Jazz doesn't have her license yet and Kira's car already broke down so I don't know how to figure out getting everyone to school and back.  I already messed up today,  I somehow didn't realize that the boys started today.  I had to call Jenise to go get them,  late, because Jazz and Kira were out school shopping with my van.  I was thinking I would give Kira the van until her car is repaired or until she can buy a new one if it can't be repaired and I could use Jazz's car to get her to and from school or let her drive it but then I need a way to get the boys home because Jeanette works 2nd shift. I have the Malibu,  I'd have to get insurance for it again,  but oh my head is starting to just scramble up!! Why can't they just all do Online school!! No,  I wouldn't want that for them,  these should be years they remember for making friends etc. I was hoping the girls would both be legal with their own cars!!! Then I would only be picking up the boys in my vehicle.  

I've been so very bleary again lately! I'm drinking coffee at 6pm trying to wake up and figure things out but I think it's Not making me feel awake,  just kind of ill with my heart skipping around.  I hope I don't try this again!! 

I know Jenise and Phillip are wanting to talk to me,  and tried to call a couple of times while I was resting and she told me when I called her about picking up the boys today that they need to talk to me.  At least she is here if we need her help!! Someone mentioned how convenient Brandon's dislike of me was for them.  I don't think it was schemed like they said but all the years I spent taking care of Jessalynn thinking she would influence and maybe help with the younger kids didn't matter in any way at all.  Jessalynn did good and settled in Lincoln and has an excuse to not even help with her mother.  Not that we need help.  Jeanette and I have planned that Jess will Always be taken care of but I know she wishes Jessalynn was around more. Those years when Jessalynn called and texted me all of the time, I hated that Jess wished it was her.  When Jeremy accidentally caused the first rift with them that was the silver lining - Jlynn started talking to her Mom more and Jess was Happy. I was in pain like when John first took Lindsey away but that made it better.  That pain still weirdly hits once in a while. Just out of the blue I'll have a memory of Jlynn that hits me in the gut and takes my breath away.  I don't ever cry about it any more.  It's just that sucker punch but not too often. No, then I see Brandon's face saying that he wouldn't apologize for being disrespectful.  How happy he was to finally say something like that to me out loud. His eyes just Danced with glee because it was just him and me in the room so he could gloat. Long ago, I told Jeremy that Brandon never forgave me,  yes, while I was waiting to get an apology,  and I did apologize to Jlynn, anyway,  I KNEW. Jeremy said I was imagining it but, even tho Brandon is a very good liar, he would make a great defense lawyer! but I could feel it. It was in his eyes, in the way he said "Grandma",  just glaring at me but so skillfully hidden from others that they couldn't see it. I still responded,  gave him medicine for his joint pain, planned his birthdays, sewed his clothes, and waited for when it would come out in the open.  His big closing statement.  And wow. Some would think he was one of those guys who want to isolate their girlfriend from her family to control her but,  and it could just be my prejudice against him, me thinking he is too weak to control anyone, but I don't think that was it.  IF it Really was about Jeremy I would just howl with laughter.  Well,  except that it is the excuse not to visit Jess, nothing funny about hurting Jess, but Jeremy is So Much Happier and so thankful to be out of all this!!! And we still love each other like we always did. Let the haters figure that out!! Jeremy had to be shoved out of the nest. 10 years of asking him to go home had no effect.  He is sorry for both of us that he drug it out 10 years. I told him It's ok. I understand.  We both understand Why it was so scary and hard for him to leave. He's even glad to be at a distance from all of these grandkids!! The responsibility of them was just crushing him.  

Ok. I'm stalling now.  I have to figure out the school rides. 

I got the music in me

 I lost all my music when I had the brain bleeds.  I can't hear music in my head any more and couldn't play a single chord on the guitar.  Until tonight.  I was on YouTube and there was a guy playing a guitar and I saw a G chord and then said "I can do that!" I got out my guitar, tuned it, and PLAYED. At 1 am! I had to chop off the fingernails on my left hand and my fingers felt like they were bleeding after a little while but I CAN DO IT!!!!!!

YEA! "They" said I wouldn't get back lost information, that my brain died every where blood touched and the 3 bleeds took chunks of my memory,  the ability to convert short term to long term memory,  and music.  I've been working on the memory issues,  I play mind games to move things to long term memory that work about half the time so far but I haven't really worked to get music back.  I sat at a keyboard one day and after about an hour my hands started playing "Long Long Ago" but I haven't had much time to try again.  I was scared to get out my guitar.  I figured I would just never play again but I just DID. I love it!! Can't believe I wasn't grieving more about losing it but I had just decided to be thankful to just survive an aneurysm and then 3 brain bleeds. I love the tone of the guitar. Love feeling the music vibrate through me.  I have missed this So Much!! 

Riding with Kira to the DMV

 This isn't going as planned. With the musical cars with Jeanette i planned to get my van from her before she went to work but she thought the test was tomorrow and went into work early.  Kira is driving to the DMV to hopefully get used to driving Netts van.  And hating it and bitching all the way. I do admit this is hugely stressful for her,  she really hates when her plans don't work and this is a Big One.  She's telling me I don't care enough about her getting her license which is hilarious! I want her to start driving her car on her own more than I want Anything right now!!! "Teaching" her to drive had been a teeth gritted, knuckles clenched nightmare!!!! Riley will be easier than this has been and he terrified Jenise when she took him driving.  And adding her to my insurance was $270 more a month and could end up higher if she doesn't do well on her 30 day "test drive ". She lowered my score on the test drive,  my insurance is going to go up from that. 

Ok. We're here.  I'm still a little worried about whether or not they're going to let her take the driver's test in a van that's just purchased without tags.

Ok. That's not going to be an issue.  She's about to start 🤞🙏

Oh God! Poor girl! I got out and left it running and she tried to start it,  made a terrible noise and died. I'm sure that rattled her!!!!

SHE PASSED!!! 

Like musical cars

 What a day. I was going to Jeanette's to help with her plants and Jenise was meeting me there to visit.  Jenise's car wasn't there when I pulled up so I thought she'd had to leave early but no,  he car got towed! And the asshole towed it because she was parked behind Jeanette and he wanted to take her new van because she hasn't tagged it yet, she just bought it and was told she had 30 days, but that place is ALWAYS out to get her!! He came back for Jeanette's car but I took it and left the van so he had to leave BUT thank God he didn't notice that my vans tags are expired!!! I didn't really think about it until Jeanette texted me about it.  Poor Jenise had to scrape together $200 to get her car back!! The whole thing just SUCKS. Jeanette put her old tags on my van for tonight.  I can't get tags until Monday but I won't have money for it if it gets impounded!! It feels like my head is going to explode.  

JEANETTE NEEDS TO MOVE.

Cars

 Still worried about the cars everyone bought.  Worried that I approved every one of them and the odds are against all 3 being a "good deal". I still need to have someone look at Jazz's.  I Wish I had thought to roll down the windows and Listen to the tires/brakes! Something is dragging,  i think on the passenger side front? Meezy stopped by yesterday and said he will help what he can but that he's been having money trouble,  which we knew,  but I know he will do what he can.  He is just so impressed that she saved so much so fast!! and he is pleased with her choice.  

Whenever the new cars are road ready I need to retire mine until I can get it fixed.  It desperately needs an oil change, plates!, and maybe the #2 ignition coil?? and it,  and I!, need a break.  Oh,  and probably a new Universal Joint. Some little things that I am lucky haven't turned into big things.  Yet. 

2 more cars in the family

 Did I mention that Jeanette got a new/ used van? I know I didn't write that Kira bought a car.  She got a Hyundai Sonata. It needs little work that we know of, brakes and tires,  and I hope that is all.  I'm really terrified for these girls buying their cars.  Too many times we've had really bad surprises!! The first car I bought Jeremy wasn't a surprise,  i bought it knowing it needed a new transmission. The surprise was that it didn't seem to need anything else 😀. Well,  not that we found out before he totalled it. My van was a surprise transmission repair.  The worst was Steve buying a car without a test drive many years ago and it didn't have a motor in it!! I hope that was the worst.  Jazz is looking at a Rogue, the car I wanted when I bought the van! We always have to worry about the transmissions and sometimes the front end.  

Kira's car is really cute,  it looks good on her! and is a blue color that probably pisses off the aliens but it matches her eyes.   My favorite used car was a Hyundai.  I worry a LOT about her wrecking it! but that will or won't happen.  Kira worries way to much about her music playing for a new driver.  

Oh and Dave lost his car.  He has been driving it with expired plates almost since he got it.  The title burned with their home and I did tell him to apply for a replacement title but he is a king of procrastination like most drug addicts.  He said he didn't know how he would get it out of impound and I said,  Well, you won't.  By the time he could get a title the impound fee would be way more than the car is worth.  I was just telling him he was going to have to move out and move on when this happened and I still am going to have to.  He won't do anything until he absolutely has to and maybe not even then.  Jami talks about how Dave hasn't done anything he said he would but neither has she.  Similar problems.  A lot of the pot calling the kettle black there. Jami just has an advantage over him because she is my daughter.  I told her she is going to have to move in my room with me and Dave has to leave so I can move Jeanette in.  I don't think She believes it?? Both of them,  if I say anything like that,  do/ say what they think will stop it.  Dave will mow the lawn.  He once gave me $70. Both will talk about the money they are "about to make".  But they have just sat down there while I have sunk into this debt hole.  I'm $5,000 in the hole Today and it's just getting worse.  

And OH OH OH!! Yesterday I thought I was going to have a heart attack!! I went out back and noticed that my 6 little lilac trees were all ripped out of the ground!!! It LOOKED intentional but I'm 99% sure that it wasn't.  Just a very stoned,  careless,  person,  probably Dave?? He and Jami were both working in the yard.  Jami was tending her little watermelon bed and Dave was mowing and weedeating. (Jami says he actually told her that he hoped I was noticing how helpful he is!!) If it was still blazing hot the lilac would all be dead.  As it is there is a chance that a couple of them will survive.  I carefully replanted them all using aged manure and humus and maybe that will save some of them. I have been super excited about finding them in the alley behind Zestos with Jenise last spring and getting 6 of them to transplant! I was sure we would have lilac sweetening the Air next spring. I couldn't wait for Jeanette to see/smell them!! Every spring since the farm I have searched for them and picked bouquets for her. And for me! Lilac sell for   at least $30 each for starter trees/bushes so I figured out how to get some going for free. 

SIGH.

 I'm looking at a new knee repair idea. I don't know much about it,  maybe it if only be too me,  but I am supposed to talk to them tomorrow.  It looks like coating the jagged bones with plastic? Which,  if it is,  then you wonder about the plastics leaching into the body BUT I'm not looking for a long term plan,  just enough to not be helpless or miserable for my last few years.  

Jeremy

 In really glad he fully admits that he is happier and would never want to move back here. He gets that it was always what was best for him the whole 10 years i was telling him he should GO Home. I used the whole mess to finally accomplish that and he even gets that.  He was scared to go,  afraid of change,  even tho he was absolutely miserable here.  He never missed a chance to say how much he hated Nebraska the whole time he was here. He always said Texas was where his heart was but I don't really think it was/is. It was just what he Knew.  No, Missouri with Scott on his farm isn't where he really wants to be either! but it's better than here and he plans to move on to Oklahoma ASAP. He has a 2 bed 1 bath apartment lined up through the Cherokee Nation for $300 a month which leaves enough for Katana and him to live pretty well.  Plus he has been doing some work under the table and will probably keep doing some of that.  Jeremy misses the kids but absolutely doesn't miss having any responsibility for them and you can't blame him for that!