Nightmare - Larry

 Up in the middle of the night after the weirdest,  real feeling nightmare. I was with Larry Wells. I had left traveling with him after some kind of problems at home.  I was nervous to be with him.  I was always a little afraid of Larry with the way he stalked me all my life and the stories,  theories,  that he killed his first wife after he met me.  Stories HE kind of told me,  too. I don't know,  was afraid to wonder WHY he told me.  So,  we were traveling together and we were at a lake area near an airport we stopped at in another country,  walking and chatting,  and he turned to me and his eyes were different,  terrifying, and he grabbed me and pinned me to the ground.  I should mention somewhere that we were the age we were when we met in this dream. (20's). I knew that I was about to die.  Still,  we went back into the airport and I was scanning the few people around looking for help when I bumped into a young man and whispered that I was about to be killed.  He whisked me away from Larry into a big room full of mostly couples. I asked if we were safe and he said that the room was secured and not to worry,  everyone one in there was full of heroin. I asked if he had any and he laughed and pulled me to the floor with him and passed out laying across my right shoulder.  I was still terrified,  kept looking at the several doors to the room  afraid Larry would find me, and a little afraid that the guy on my shoulder was dead,  overdosed. It looked like everyone in the room was OUT - who could protect me? I woke up a little, still feeling the guy laying on me for a few minutes, until I was fully awake.  I got out of bed so I wouldn't fall back asleep into that nightmare.  I looked for Larry on FB. Saw that he died 13 months ago!!! I left a nice message on his FB. 

Maybe I'll stop being haunted by him. Rest in peace,  Larry... I'm finally free now except for the nightmares...

Afterthought: Im still feeling the fear from this dream.  The Larry story was all so very real.  Hehe was arrested after his wife was murdered and hired Racehorse Haynes to defend him.  Racehorse was the famous attorney from the book/movie Blood and Money and Larry was,  obviously well off to be able to afford that defense team.  I was only 18 years old when I met Larry,  still pretty naive in some ways,  but I knew to be careful how I rebuffed him even from the beginning.  No one used the term "stalking" yet, I had no word for what was going on,  but that would definitely be the word for it now.  Larry showed up every where I lived or worked,  maybe he had detectives? Houston is a huge city,  I should have been about to hide.  Whenever I was in any kind of trouble he would show up but I only remember actually calling him and asking for help once.  I was arrested in the NASA area on my Honda 350 with my Harris County jail friend,  Linda Halverson, riding on back.  I don't even remember the charges but I called Larry for help.  He said that he would come and get us both out if I would bartend at a party he was throwing. I agreed. He bought me a silk, vertical striped vest and black pants for the party. I don't remember any of the bartending, all I remember is him showing me a room with a naked girl tied to a bed who he said had been there for 3 days. I think her name was Pat?? It never even crossed my mind to report what I saw.  I'm sorry but also that girl actually stayed around later after he let her go. She was obviously trying to use him for his money,  that's probably how he got her to begin with,  so I don't feel too terrible now! but I don't remember anything after seeing her there.  No idea what else I saw or experienced that is in that blank space in my memory.  He would show me women he dated,  but usually tied to a bed! But I think he hoped it would make me jealous.  Before the bartending, when I got in BIG trouble,  the Drug Delivery charge,  he showed up at my hearing and I saw him make a deal with my lawyer,  I saw a stack of money change hands. I was sentenced to 7 years probation starting with 30 days in county jail.  (Where I met Linda!) Larry's deal did not include the 30 days. I wonder if the lawyer was still alive after cheating Larry? I'm pretty sure Larry hoped he had finally bought me.  

Moms Eulogy

He 2004 for my mother

Did you really think these things

wouldn't get done

Once you weren't here to do them?

Don't you know that

I'm the one

Who will let you shine

right through them?

"Don't worry about

my lilies anymore!

Not important!" you gasped,

"Let them go"

and then you clapsed

your hand with mine,

We said good by

one last time,

And don't you know?

Your legacy is mine.

Your lilies bloom

and the Koi

circle their roots,

and, yea,

I'll tell you the truth,

We have big worries

and bitter tea,

Seen some long days

since you left me.

But lilies, your lilies,

are very important

to me,

Don't you know

that I'm your legacy?

So those arriving still see

Koi and lilies in the water,

And you, through me,

Your daughter.

Your legacy is safe

with me.

Wow!! She is great-great grandma to Elliot!! 

I miss you, Mom!! Wait for me❣️

(Unless u r already here in our Jenise!)

The Scion

 Meezy and I went and looked at the Toyota Scion yesterday.  He did the test drive and it is an amazing car but it is extremely punchy and fast!! Paco also had a PT Cruiser in the same great condition for sale. Kira decided she wanted the Toy after seeing a picture but I absolutely don't want her to have it after that test drive.  A new driver,  who refused to listen to me when I was trying to teach her how to drive!, absolutely should Not be driving the Toyota AT ALL. And she is flat refusing to have the Cruiser.  She really doesn't seem to understand that I don't at all OWE her a car.  Or that her part of this settlement is only the $2,400 for her pain and suffering.  I did consider taking the Cruiser even though I really want the Scion but, yea, that's actually a terribly idea.  I really believe and am terrified that Kira Will Have an at fault accident before too long unless she slows down and startes caring about me then the music playing in the car.  And she plays it full blast, can't hear anything going on outside of the car!! I can recall at least 2 times recently that I avoided accidents only because I HEARD a car in my blind spot!! I have to be extra careful driving in my old age and she should be extra careful driving at her Young Age. Paco is guaranteeing these cars because he and Meezy are so tight. No One Else is going to GUARANTEE a used car!! But if I won't give Kira the Scion she is not insisting that I but her another car online that won't be guaranteed and might only run for 1 day again!! And Kira really doesn't get it that he part of this money is only the $2,400 for her "suffering". The $6,000 is for My Vehicle that was totaled.  I'm trying to Be Nice and help her buy a good car!! Jess kept asking if Kira realized that so I said it to her last night. It looked like she really hadn't thought about it before and she even weakly tried to argue it.  I SHOULD just but the PT Cruiser and tell her to rant it out leave it.  Or let her try to find a car for $2,400. I really am thinking about telling her she has to pay me back for anything over the $2,400. I know that Jazz wouldn't expect anyone to just give her a thousand dollars to fix a mistake She Made!!! He father is helping her pay

Writing about Jeremy

 It's 6:30 am and I guess I've been up all night writing about Jeremy in the Jeremy page of the blog. Well, I had a lot I've wanted to say!! I've said some of it before but I wanted to put it all together.  And I've been really missing him. I wanted to explain what it meant to me when he offered me a room there so he could take care of me.  And I wanted to spit in Brandon's face a little more. These things are worth staying up all night but today is the last day with the rental car and I am buying a Toyota today. Big day. No sleep. Oh well. .

Actually I woke up because my knee was hurting so badly!!! Sitting up is less painful than laying down but it still hurts today.  And I had to reschedule my knee injection appointment with Dr. Gold because our streets will be closed for resurfacing all next week. That is going to really SUCK!!!! 

My Jenise

 Jenise has just Blossomed being a mother!! Phillip said he loves what having Elliot has done for her self confidence and Wow! is he right!! She knows she is different, too. That's how confident she is now!! She KNOWS she can't be unattractive or wrong in any way to have created such perfection. And Elliot is absolute perfection!! I stopped by and sat and held him for about an hour and he was awake and just delightful. He's looking around a lot more and looked me in the eye repeatedly. Not like the long stare Jenise gave me the first time I saw her but - that was a once in a lifetime thing ❤️.

The deal

 State Farm is settling on $6,050.24 for the van.  With the $2,400 for Kira's injury we should be able to get cars. Meezy found a Toyota Scion with a new motor for $3,500 that I will buy and hopefully we can find Kira a car with the rest and Jazz can get her car and we will all be ok. It will be a rough road for a week or so - we have to return the rental Saturday and won't get any money until later next week. I've NEVER had to return the rental before being paid!!!! Add to that that I have about $7 left on my cards and $10 in cash, so we are in trouble.  I am supposed to return the rental full of gas and don't know how I can even do that.  I've asked Jami and Jeanette for help. We'll see.

Elliot Kiser Dodson

 ... entered this world at 5:02 pm today.  ❤️❤️❤️

Jenise was a total champ!! She Did Really want him out! and she worked hard to get him out! She births easy like her mom.  😀 They told her she won't need induced next time just like her mom.  It was absolutely precious to see her and Phillip greeting their beautiful son! It was Phillip,  Jeanette and me in the room with her when he came out with Philip's parent,  Jamie, and Riley waiting in the hall. After he got here the room filled with family to greet him and then at 8 we all cleared out to give Mom and Dad some time alone with him and to rest. 

A Beautiful,  Beautiful Day.

Inducing Jenise

 Jenise will be induced today at 10 am amc Jeanette amc I will be there along with Phillip and, of course,  Jenise❣️❣️❣️  They "scraped the membrane" last week,  (sounds awful!) and I believe induction is done with drugs now? Probably done with a dull stick back when!! It is so close to Elliot time!! I will get to be their stand in when they need overnigt help to get some rest or whatever. 😀😃😄 I was on the phone with Lindsey when she had Addie but I've never been involved with the newborn care of a great grandchild.  Jazz is the only one of my grandchildren I got to be involved with as a newborn! 

Memory

 I'm having trouble today.  Mind all jumbled.  This maybe had all been just too much. 

I feel lost.

The $30,000 rental

I got a rental car yesterday.  It's a new Nissan Rogue, Jazz's and my dream car,  but I was supposed to get a Malibu.  I'm having to pay $23 a day for insurance until I send State Farm proof that my auto insurance is only liability and then State Farm should pick up that insurance cost and refund the 2 days I already had to pay on it. (I sent that last night). At least I am mobile!! And,  since no one else can drive the Rogue, I am again the family chauffeur until this lawsuit settles and Jazz gets her Rogue fixed.  I got the car and then had to go take Kira to work and pick up Riley from school and then I went to see Jenise. She was craving Sushi so I took her to get some.  I left out that Jenise,  9 months pregnant! took me to Dr Gold at 10:45 am and then took me to get the rental car.  While I was taking Jenise for sushi Jess called and said that they were finally towing the van to a shop.  Jess really wanted a quarter pounder so I got her one and then I picked Kira up from work and then I went to pick up Jazz from work. I can't believe that this used to be my life! and that it is my life again for now.  But it is much better than us all being stuck with No transportation!!

Jeremy future past

 When I met Jeremy we were both pretty much homeless.  He was still staying with Barefoot but had already been told to leave (the home he helped Barefoot buy!) and I was with Mom but she didn't want me with Jeremy yet and Mike really wanted me out of Houston.  Jeremy's mom flew down to rescue him (from me) (and Stacy,  but that's another story!) and Mike arranged for me to fly back to Omaha (another BAD story!!) No one wanted me in Omaha,  I ended up living behind a gas station with my b belongings in a laundry basket until a kind woman saw me there and took me in.  I ended up in The Spring Center for battered women (wow! another story!) and I called Jeremy who said to go to him at his mom's in Oklahoma. We were there until my appendix exploded, Mikey picked us up and took us to Bellevue,  I ended up back in the hospital,  Immanuel,  and Mikey threw Jeremy out so he came and stayed with me at Immanuel until I was discharged.  That was all ANOTHER horrific story but Mom rescued us.  She heard about my hospital stay in Oklahoma and Omaha,  how Jeremy never left my side either time,  and she became a HUGE  Jeremy fan.  She sent bus tickets and we went to her.  The first thing she did was give Jeremy the Manuel book for her car and the keys.  It was her symbolic acceptance of him.  We stayed there until she went in the hospital.  By then Barefoot was in prison so we went to his place. It was much older then Mom's but,  bad as it was,  much more liveable. Less mice. Another Story. Barefoot's trailer was falling apart,  big holes in the floors, rotting. I mentioned how I always wanted to live in a Teepee and by God Jeremy found what he needed an built us a teepee the next day!! The months in that teepee at the back of Barefoot's property were the bassist days of my whole life.  Definitely another story! Then Jami called,  in labor with a baby we didnt know she was pregnant with, strung out on meth and oxycontin and she wanted me There To Help even tho There wouldn't be much I could do since I was no longer a Nebraska resident.  We packed everything we could and both came to Nebraska.  Jami promised that Mikey would either return us home or take us to her our things from Texasbut we both brought everything we corks of things that meant something to us.  Good thing because we never got back to Texas even to get our belongings. Mikey threw Jami and us out of the house to play like he wasn't addicted to drugs so he could get Joey and Michelle.  He lost Lindsey day 2. We would have ended up homeless here again but this time Pat and Jess took us in. Another Story. I finally got my SSI settlement 8 months later and we got a real home.  Had a home ever since.  Wherever we lived,  I made SURE rent was ALWAYS paid no matter what else we had to lose or do without. 

It's Friday

 Oh I thought it was Thursday all day!! I thought I had another day off the week to settle this!! 

Oh - what if I should have called a lawyer to start with?? It almost feels like State Farm WANTS me to hire an attorney!! They still haven't even declared FAULT after telling me the day after that they WERE. Said we were getting a rental car and that the van would be picked up the next morning!!! And NOTHING HAS HAPPENED!! And now they say they are still deciding FAULT!! I didn't sleep at all the night after,  took trazadone the next night and then felt drugged (because I was) the next day.  Pain all over and felt like I couldn't breathe last night.  Did I lose a night?? No.  I lost Thursday.  And I really am having trouble breathing.  Couldn't catch my breath for a couple of hours after I woke up today.  Still not 100%. Started using that inhaler,  the new steroid one,  again this morning even tho I am still battling thrush from using it the week before.  Thrush is better than No Oxygen. I don't even have an O2 meter any more. 

Kira took an Uber to school. 

Oh. And the transmission went out in Jasmine's car!!!!😓😩😫😭😭😭 

WE HAVE NO TRANSPORTATION!!!!

I figured out how to get on the SF CLAIMS site and I sent them the recording of the boy explaining how it was HIS FAULT. But maybe that won't be enough for them.  Maybe I have to hire a lawyer and let them take 30% of what little this pays out. I HATE THIS!!

Jeremy called today.  He really wants me to hire someone - I should have listened to him to begin with.  Dammit!!!!!!!!!

Shady

 Yesterday when I called State Farm and gave the information on the insurance card they said that they had no record of anyone by that policy number,  vin #, or name.  I decided to try again today and they did they had it. WTH? They took the accident information from me and said that they will investigate the information and that they would settle with us  IF they decide Kira wasn't at fault and IF the person, Octavio, driving will be covered.  That sounds like BS. Especially if it's a company truck. So now it is wait and see. They are supposed to call when they decide but I'm going to keep calling and asking what is going on.  I also want to get the ID # of the accident report i filed online with the police.  And maybe try to talk to the police.  I might also call a lawyer.  I just don't think this settlement will be really big enough to give 1/3  to an attorney.  I really hope that isn't necessary.  Kira was hurt more than she thought.  I figured it would hit her later.  By the time we went to the ER she was in a lot of pain and the doctor told her it would get worse before it got better. She is really pitiful.  She keeps apologizing even tho it wasn't at all her fault.  She's got some PTSD, too. She's scared in a car. Scared to drive again. 

I tried to put water in the van radiator today.  It ran right back out from all over like it is crushed.  I had to get Riley - I though Jenise was - so I was late and after I saw the van couldn't hold water I jump started the Malibu and drove it with a flat tire and brought Riley here.  Jenise go him and took him home.  

Having NO CAR is awful!!! 

Kira first car accident

 It wasn't her fault,  i have the guy on video admitting it was his fault,  but it's a company vehicle and when he called his boss they told him to stop saying that and get a police report.  We did get the police to show up after 4 calls but they said they don't get involved unless there is serious injury!! We don't have insurance so we don't have a company to fight his company for us. I guess we need a lawyer to fight for us???? This really sucks. I was going to get insurance yesterday but just felt too sick, i Kept not answering their calls.  I texted that I would call them back today - and I'm going to - but this would all be so much easier if I had done it yesterday!!!!

Kira wasn't really hurt, I'm taking her to an ER any way,  her neck hurts, maybe not from the accident but I'm sure it didn't help! The guy pulled out in front of her on NW Radial. He said that he looked and it looked like she was 2 blocks away an that he had tying to get across the street in front of her. Then he asked how fast she was going, like she covered 2 blocks so fast he misjudged it. I have the 360 report saying she was Not Speeding. The van is pretty jacked up.  NO DAMAGE to his huge truck

She hit his tire.

UTI

 I need a break.  99.9% sure about the UTI, and severe thrush, bad combo!  antibiotics will make the thrush much worse,  impossible to cure until the antibiotics are done.  And I have so many things that I need to get done!! I still haven't finished the deck,  the garden bed needs attention, and a lot of little jobs inside the house like fixing door hinges, some painting,  hanging kitchen curtains,  fixing Jess's bed where that screw sticks out and cuts her leg all the time - that one should commit first!! Plus I have clothes to repair/alter for people and I'm making Jenise a nursing drape - I hope to have time to embroider that!! 

Weird, it occurred to me a couple of days ago that I really could die any time,  might not even make it thru the list! with brain bleed problems,  "fatty liver", lower heart issues,  COPD, and a high chance of colon cancer it's actually surprising that I am even alive today! I know all of these these things,  but the last few days it's actually been a FEAR. Paranoia. Anxiety. Panic attacks.  and then a little bit of feeling like there must be reason that I'm still here.  I'm not finished.  I need to be here for Elliot's first year at least.  I don't know why else.  Maybe time to get my household in order to survive without me.  Maybe my family still needs me.  

I went to get some green onions out of my garden for Jess and threw up over the edge of the deck.  I guess I'm not going to get anything done on that list today....

Being old and sick sucks. I need to do laundry,  wash my "Everything Hurts and I'm Dying" shirt.  I should be wearing it every day. 

Oh and I have been in severe pain since the football game.  The left side of my back.  I don't really understand - I really didn't think I was very hurt from sitting in the bleachers this time.  OH OH OH - I have a UTI!! That pain could be a kidneyhurting!!! ?????

MUD SHUT OFF

Of course,  the day I'm ready to make arrangements to catch up the MUD bill they show up to shut us off!! I'm begging the guy to give me a minute while I'm having to leave to take the girls to the dentist and then I'm driving trying to pay the bill over the phone within the 20 minutes he said he would give me and of course the bank card I need is at home on my nightstand.  Jazz called Jess to get the card number and I got it done in 15  minutes.  When Jazz called Jess to give her the verification code Jess said that the guy had left right after I did.  The gas and water are still on so I guess he decided to give us a break?? But, well, now I'm  pretty much broke. And we don't have car insurance.  And the house taxes are over due.  Oh well.

WTF

 Maybe Jeanette is right and I need to go to the doctor.  Something is very wrong. Maybe it's still the pneumonia,  I don't know but when I start working I feel good and then real fast I feel Real Bad. I pulled off the old step finally today. I was so worried that Nova or Gabby wouldn't realize the step was gone and fall - no, I fell. I knew the step wasn't there but just misjudged how much difference it made.  That didn't help my day!! And I realized today that I don't have enough 4×4 wood to fix this deck right and  replace all of the rotted wood, even just around the step I'm replacing. I priced it and will go buy at least an 8 ft 4×4 whenever I can, hopefullytomorrow.  This No Car thing is really getting to me!! That's also part of why I don't want to schedule a Doctors appointment.  I have an important appointment with neurology Thursday but thankfully that is a day that I was keeping the van any way because Kira has a big game.  Jess and I are going.  They are doing a fancy pyramid and Kira will be front and center.  ❤️ We have to be there for that!! An the girls finally have dentist appointments Friday. So this week is full. Maybe I'll have a car to see the doctor next week.