Wednesday, January 28, 2026

Better

 A much better day.  I feel like I woke up today. I know that I have been very ill but barely remember the last week. I'm still a little shaken driving,  I picked up Riley today, and stopped at King Vape, but I had a couple of mistakes that could have been accidents.  I was kind of hungry today and enjoyed dinner, stuffed shells,  no meat,  ๐Ÿ™‚. My ears are ringing a little and my eyes feel funny but I'm pretty sure that I'm finally starting to feel better.  Maybe good enough that I could make it to see Dr Jeffrey ๐Ÿค”.

I'm in the back yard and it's 3 am. I was never comfortable in the back,  and even sometimes the front!, yard at the last house.  We are still in North O but most of the time it feels safe here.  No one had been shot on our street!! This is an older neighborhood,  mostly homeowners around our house.  It's nice.  I hope this area stays nice but if it goes downhill the girls can sell it.  I doubt Jess will want to leave here so I hope someone helps her keep this place if she wants it after I'm gone.  She won't be able to handle it on her own even if she gets on disability.  I wouldn't be able to if I didn't have guardianship pay for Jazz and even with that I am really struggling to pay the bills.  It doesn't help that I seem to be chronically running behind and have to set alarms to get anything done. And then too often ignore the alarm or procrastinate until we are flying by the seat of our pants. I believe Jeanette is really going to move in here and that will save us but I feel so stressed worried about how Jess will handle it. Sometimes I feel like i can't breathe. Mostly dealing with Robby.  He can't be acting Neanderthal punching holes in walls,  yelling,  and slamming doors.  Riley loses it,  too, sometimes.  Jess and stress rhyme but do not go together well!!

Monday, January 26, 2026

Sicker

 I'm not getting this,  getting a little scared,  this is just awful. 

Friday, January 23, 2026

2 Below

...right now.  It's very true that the winters are much,  much,  warmer than they were the first 10 years or more that I lived in the "Forzen Tundra" as my friend Barbara used to say. Barbara and Pat and my mom wanted me back in Texas the most.  I'm still up here.  Freezing.  One and a half more months,  then amnesia causing spring. No. The amnesia doesn't really happen any more.  Spring is beautiful enough to make you forget how BAD winter was but I never forget any more. It was just amazing to me the first time I saw spring up here.  Winter was never harsh enough in Texas for spring to even stand out.  But first.  Surviving winter. This might be my last.  

Odd that's not at all comforting. 

Thursday, January 22, 2026

Urgent Care

 I finally decided I was sick enough to need a doctor.  I don't know got many days I have spent miserable telling myself I would feel better tomorrow but today I sought professional help.  Actually, I would go  than I do but I am always afraid they won't help me although of course I don't invite that until I actually go.  I'm not even sure what is wrong. I just knew that Doxycycline world many it better so I said everything I could think of to get it. Sinus, bladder, lungs,  something is infected or maybe everything is infected. Night sweats,  vomiting,  headache and then today I was driving with the windows open,  maybe 20 degrees out? because I was sweating and that was the last straw as they say.  I just hope this works but actually I know that it will I just don't know how long I will feel better.  I go round and round with this.  There is probably an underlying cause but until I know what it is I at least know that this will make it better for a while. 

I had a 2 hour face time with Jenise and Elliot this evening.  ๐Ÿ˜„❤️ Love that!!

Tuesday, January 20, 2026

Annabella

 I got Annabella for the first time today ๐Ÿซ . She's pretty adorable! And super smart.  I only had her for a few hours and Jess helped a Lot. (All children and animals love Jess. That says a lot about who she is!( I guess I will do a couple of things to make this house more kid friendly.  I planned on doing it for Elliot, but I'm doing it now for Annabella and hopefully still for Elliot!! We have little chairs but also might need a little table.  Jess gave her cereal and she had to sit on the floor and us the little chair for a table.  It worked but I hope to do better.  Lindsey also had Toby bring me a couple of shelves from clearing out her house that hopefully will help with organizing some things here.  It's terrible that we have been here almost 2 years and still haven't finished setting up the house. A lot of what needs taken care of is my stuff and tools tht need to be taken downstairs to the tool cabinet.  Maybe I can get Riley to come help me with that?? OK. Back to Annabella. She is a lot of fun to have around but I think I forgot how much energy for into keeping up with toddlers.  I miss having the grandkids all here when they were little BUT I don't think I could keep up with all of them now.  Great Grandma. Oh my! Also,  Lindsey is having trouble with her mother in law, who they are living with for now!, and Lindsey says she makes her compete for Annabella and does things like take off to Vegas with Annabella without consulting Lindsey.  I decided to get in this stupid game.  I had a squishy Bluey waiting here for Annabella and I'm probably going to keep making it known that I'm great grandma BY Bloodline. We'll put that in her pipe to smoke.  

Sunday, January 18, 2026

Nightmare

 I HATE the nightmares.  Alone in the world. Being ripped to sheds and no one cares.  No one to save me.  Alone. How everyone here,  in this house,  made me feel when Jeremy and I split. The way my children were after Steve left.  Alone.  I'm awake now.  But I don't want to the comfort of That was only a nightmare - I live it,  too. Homeless.  Alone.  So many times.  So I dreamed of buying my own home.  Filling it with people who loved me.  And I'm alone in it. I thought my life was a test I had to "pass" to get to heaven.  Jeanette says it hasn't been a test,  that it has been a punishment that ran in 22 year cycles. There was comfort in believing her.  I could stop trying to pass the impossible test. But I'm still here.  

I cry. 

Friday, January 16, 2026

❄️ a little

 Quite cold again.  February should be the end of this and then the spring dazzles me so by fall I have forgotten the misery.  

I would probably try to build another snow fort if we got enough of the right snow. I would have Jess checking on me if I did and maybe take an oxygen tank outside with me. I wonder - do those work when they freeze?? Hmm. Whatever.  Irie would nerve less work than before.  The first time I had to start over a dozen or so times trying to fight or how to do it.  The next year I struggled to remember what worked best the last year by it was a bigger fort with a fireplace๐Ÿ”ฅ in the middle. Caught myself on fire in there. A mini dozen, like a riding lawnmower with a snow scoop would neve awesome.  Dinghy think I'll be able to get one.  Jeremy gave away my riding mower... that still stings a little.  But,  yes, I would make the attempt if we got even 1 foot of snow. Annabella might like it.  Everyone else would just say yep, she's still not quite all there... and I have new neighbors to impress.  I've always also wanted to try an ice sculpture even though I sucked at the big bar of ivory soap sculptures in high school.  I don't remember what I was trying to carve but Bill Goolsby bit the top of it off on the list day.  I got an F in sculpture.  Probably saved me from an F that I couldn't blame anyone else for.  That art teacher was one of many who decided to hate me day 1c of being in their class.  Most were clearly racist but a few just had that reaction to me.  Or they wetter me cleverly racist ... Anyway,  I would love to sculpt something dramatic like a dragon. I might need Bill Goolsby... He was still alive in FB the last time I looked.  Funny,  I ferment him but that incident in at class is All I remember about him.  I know I never hung out with him,  completely different clicks whatever.  An igloo would be really cool,  that was actually what I started out trying to make the first time, that ended up just being a fort.  It might not be cold enough to build an igloo here... I've also always been interested in winter camping.  The kind where you're cute and a good sleeping bag kept you alive.  Dammit. I think the trash truck is coming

And Wow. Jess remembered to get the trash out last week. 

With Jeanette's household we will have 8 people living here ๐Ÿ˜ฎ. I know Jess is dragging the merge maybe more than Jami.  I am the only one actually loving the idea just to see more of Jeanette.  

Jess HATES the idea of turning the living room into a room for Jeanette but I really want to do it and so does Jeanette. Our living room has barely been used in the 2 years we have been here.  The girls have had friends over playing in there a handful of times and Jazz used the big TV a few times to play her games.  Jlynn and bitchass campef out in it on weekends a few times too many the first 6 months. Jenise and Phillip called out there a couple of days after Thanksgiving.  A and it just sits there enough m empty with $2,000 of furniture and a life size TV. (OK. Not quite life size, but Close!). Things are piled around the edges and in the corners that never got unpacked or put away. It Does Not get used.  The dining room,  either. Even if we have Thanksgiving or something here,  Jess and Jazz don't join us even though Jess is the one who wants to have these sit down dinners. I thought it was just us messing up family traditions but recently I read that it is just the way things are for Most People these days.  Family rooms are becoming obsolete except for Gaming Rooms. And Mancaves are a thing for some,  too. Jeremy ended up with one at the last house.  Obsolete.  Electronics have a lot to do with it.  When we used to gather as a family at restaurants,  the last few years half (or more) of us would be on our phones. Jess and sometimes Riley are the only ones who actually talk to me when I'm driving us places.  Jami is the worst.  She is deaf in one ear, can't hear well, but also just absolutely absorbed in her phone almost all of the time.  I can say any outlandish thing (like wow I just saw a purple squirrel) sometimes to get her attention and she never notices. Riley usually does. After a few he will say,  "Wait. Say whatever that was again!") He does manage to keep up some kind of conversation most of the time.  He's the only one who always asks how I am doing,  what kind of a day have I had.  Tells me he loves me EVERY time I see him. Next they will say that passenger seats in cars are Obsolete.  They are working on perfecting self driving cars.  More isolation. Oh, I turned onto this street on the way to Jeanette moving in. 

Some of this snow is sticking. 

Today I hope to finish saving the poor, mangled, Christmas tree. Jazz has a dentist appointment this afternoon.  I also hope to at least start on clearing my wreck of a room. It is just terrible. I've been crippled or sick So Much since we moved here! (Yes and I hope to build a able fort!) My room is 2 to 3 feet deep except for a small area by the door (so it can open) and I have the pet food and water in the edge of there.  A LOT of it if just trash and goodwill stuff that needs sorted and eliminated.  (A lot of words aren't allowed on YouTube now and last night I herd a site using the word "deleted" instead of "murdered"๐Ÿ˜…. 


Thursday, January 15, 2026

๐Ÿ˜ฌTeeth!

 I got my teeth today ๐Ÿ˜. I go the toppers about a week ago but they get,  needed adjusted. This ups my self confidence hugely.  I've hated smiling for years.  Eating has been almost impossible except for soups etc. I had them made a couple of shades lighter than my stained teeth so now I just need to bleach the few that are mine to match.  I want a steak!! But mostly I just want to smile at people.  

I'm encouraging Jeremy to get his done,  too. I know it effected him when he started losing noticeable side teeth. Is it effects or affected?? I never know where this words go.  

So. Let's smile ๐Ÿ˜ƒ 

Wednesday, January 14, 2026

๐Ÿ˜ƒJeremy present

 I was searching for a "thoughtful gift for Jeremy's birthday and I actually thought I'd something. His football team,  The Texans, had a big game,  a "wild card" game yesterday and i bought him ESPN so he corks watch it.  I cut it close,  I finally got it set up 10 minutes before kickoff ๐Ÿ™‚. He really upped the gift game sending me the buck knife! I wanted to get him a reservation for the release of Ozzys last concert but I couldn't figure that out,  it might not be possible,  but this worked.  I do really hate the way we ended and I'm really glad he decided to not let that be the end.  We are still. Will always be.  I doubt I would have been able to make him leave us it hadn't turned into a Family Affair. He knows that,  too. He is happier there but still misses us here BUT he knows that he could come back if he wanted to.  He is too smart to make that mistake.  I talk to him when he is lonely,  make sure he still Feels us here for him. That's all he needed now until he finds a new life there.  Oh, and the Texans won!!! So Win Win ๐Ÿ™‚   

Friday, January 9, 2026

Dutch Oven

 I've been trying to clean the dutch oven Riley and I found at the deadly bando,  I might give up and buy one for Jess. My whole body aches and I've only barely got the lid done. Insane.  $50 for a really nice one!! You have to be careful,  some cast iron has BAD compounds in it, a LOT of them!! Click on "WARNINGS" !

I did a little deep cleaning in the kitchen,  too. Jess needs help and I don't see any one but me helping her and I'm sporadic, not always able to do much.  I worked until I puked tonight.  I'm done.  I have to wear blinders or I keep seeing things that I want to get done.  SO MUCH NEEDS DONE HERE!! Repairs,  cleaning,  maintenance.  

Jeanette is very serious about moving in soon.  Maybe at tax time?? And she says she will use her tax return to fix the gas leak here.  I also have a disconnect for about $800 from MUD. It's all just too much!! Sometimes I think Jeremy was right - buying this house wasn't worth it!! Except I'm hoping I leave a home for Jess. A place where she can take care of whoever needs it. Her house. I just need to do a hundred things to make it good for them before I die. Please.  A little more time!!

Thursday, January 8, 2026

❤️Kira is 17❣️

 It has just all gone to fast!! The youngest is blue 17!!! Kira is just a Beautiful Young Woman.   I am so over the top proud of her.  

Monday, January 5, 2026

Jeremy gift

 Jeremy sent me a beautiful tiny Buck knife.  I have bemoaned losing mine for years! This one is much slimmer,  way cooler! 

It's helped make a couple of crappy days seem a little better.  

I had a dentist appointment today.  Got my crowns and my upper partials.  Those have improved Greatly since I last got a set! I might actually be able to use these.  I really like this dentist.  I guess I should learn her name.... 

Sunday, January 4, 2026

Addie

 Addie is funny,  brash, outspoken and smart. Everything that I wanted to be at her age! and was when I was 15. Then I started falling off the deep end at 16.  I don't want that for her!! I hope she is smarter than me!! I think she is. I want her to bloom, not blow up! 

Addie is absolutely adorable but,  oh no,  she also has that undertone of sadness that I had growing up.  Mine was loss of my father,  loss of family structure,  and severe abuse.  What is hers exactly? I don't want hers to be/am afraid hers could be too similar.  This is where I hope that Addie being smarter than me will save her.  Intelligence,  God, the wind,  something has to guide her to go in better directions than I did.  I survived.  Barely.  By intelligence,  God, the wind,  I dont know why I survived but I want her to do more than Survive.  I want her to overcome that sadness,  beat the hell out of it.  Figure out how to turn it into pure Joy that begets Joy. I suffered delusions of grandeur that made me believe that I could/would overcome it all, that I WAS overcoming it all. That I was secretly headed for Greatness. I didn't even realize that I was lost until I was 30, and still believed I could make the course corrections on my own until I was 40, only to have it all come crashing down.  Definitely not the life I want for Addie or anyone.  What could have changed it all? I still don't know but I wish I could do it for Addie. How can you give direction to a path you still don't even see? I pray Addie has the sanity that I didn't and don't have.  My path was insanity,  right? I should surely know that truth by now! . ? . The blind can lead the blind if they remember the number of steps to the Walls. Or is that just blind faith? Still delusion? No. Yea, maybe not me.  I won't be here long enough for it to be me.  Lindsey? I tell myself that I could have helped her avoid the quicksand if I could have at least been near her growing up.  Would fervently pray every night that she remembered those first 5 years when I was actually guiding her correctly. But that was forgotten because it wasn't enough.  Wasn't big enough to overcome her Great Sadness. I always Knew Lindsey would come back to me when she could.  And she did! even though she says she doesn't remember that first 5 years.  I believe and regret that I wasn't enough when she did return.  I had so many of them lost or being lost by then! I failed her.  Do over? Yes.  This was a moment that I definitely wish I had a Do Over for!! Could I have dropped everyone else,  if I had dropped everyone else,  could I have made a difference for her? Would I then be crying now for losing the others? Lindsey slipped through my fingers and was gone from me again until she was an adult.  But.  She is Here Now.  And MAYBE, maybe,  if I can help Lindsey now,  maybe SHE can help Addie. That's the way this goes.  ? . Good grief.

And what the hell does that expression even mean?

Friday, January 2, 2026

❤️ Lindsey, Addie & Annabella visit

 We had a nice visit, they were here a couple of hours today.  Addie is going back to Max tomorrow but she is supposed to be back for spring break when, hopefully,  it won't be freezing outside and we can actually Do Something.

I do love seeing Lindsey.  I hope we never have a break again! I should Not let the last one happen.  That was so very much on Me. I will reach out to her if we have a problem again like I should have last time.  I don't miss the other one who is gone but Lindsey is just so very precious! We are alike in that we lash out when we are hurt and I,  being Grandma,  am responsible for fixing it when one of us gets hurt and lashes out like we do.  

Thursday, January 1, 2026

Jeremy

 He wrote that he listens to the Black Sabbath song differently,  had a better understanding of it because he had experienced it.  It's a really sad song.  Amc I'm not sure what he means by it bothering him now.  I thought he got what he wanted and that was all that mattered to him??