Court

Kirk goes to court today so I am up to make sure he gets there since I bonded him out. I'm still not feeling too hot but I went to the doctor yesterday and got some medicines for allergies that the doctor seems to think will solve everything. I am almost certain that an antibiotic is indicated but understand and respect her hesitancy to prescribe them. I am to wait five days before starting an antibiotic. I also went for my "cocktail infusion" yesterday for my Interstitial Cystitis. Not a pleasant thing to have to do! Jessalynn is excited that she will be seeing the dentist today and getting closer to getting her new teeth. I just hope they are good with little kids there and do gentle dentistry because she needs a lot of work before they can even do her front teeth replacement.

MyBlogLog

MyBlogLog was set up for me by a friend to write about and share my MRSA experience but it has become a whole little world that I love to get lost in. I cruise around the different blogs every day learning things and always looking for a good laugh. I have found such richness in knowledge and people that it is greatly expanding my horizons in all directions. Plus I have made cyberspace friends which I am finding are some of the best friends to have. No matter what time of day or night there is always someone else online so loneliness disappears and everyone I have met is supportive in some way. When I first looked at the Internet I was shown what local chat rooms were like and I was disgusted by them but and horrified by what had been done with this incredible technology but then I found so much more to the Internet that those sites hardly matter. MyBlogLob has been the richest site I have found. It is quickly becoming one of my best friends. My best friend is a pen pal I met online two years ago so a great part of my life takes place here and since I am disabled and poor it has become my window to the world. Thank God for bloggers!

Nightmare Control

Last night I was depressed when trying to go to sleep and was afraid of having a dream like I had for the last two nights that had been very sad and left me feeling morose all day. So I thought again about trying to program my dreams. I went through the things I didn't want to dream pretty quick but took a minute to think of what I did want to dream. Then I remembered how much I liked flying in my dreams so I asked myself to dream about flying and for filler I asked that it be full of me having magical powers in a magical world and I went to sleep.
I dreamed I was among a bunch of people I didn't know and we went through a crazy series of events and then I dreamed the same thing again but this time I was vomiting through half of it. Much like the regular vomiting but stringier and bits of it were grown into my gums ~ I had no teeth ~ and I would try to scrape it out of my mouth and always was looking for a quiet place to go get it all out of my mouth but kept getting interrupted so I would have to move on through the dream with it growing in my mouth again. The string would sometimes stretch and break but when I did manage to pull them out of my gums they didn't really hurt, I jsut felt the pressure of pulling and then the slimy stuff slipping out. Then the dream started for a third time but this time I stepped in and took control and everyone turned into magical beasts some of them half beasts, one of them three different parts of three different beasts. We all were going to confront the main character so we went out side and they all started taking off flying and I reminded myself that I had flown in dreams before so I closed my eyes and concentrated real hard and then I was flying with them. We landed on a roof overlooking where the first two dreams took place and were discussing how to deal with the boss person when something came up and we all took flight hastily. I was having trouble flying and one was holding onto me helping but when the others noticed they all stopped midair and started sending me their knowledge of flying in big beams until I was flying as well as them and we took of and I woke up.

The Headache

The headache was back again the next morning but not quite as bad so I went about my day. I went and bonded Kirk out of jail and then took him and Jami to their apartment. On the way home I noticed that my tongue was numb. Then my arms and then my legs went numb. I looked on the Internet in WebMD and found two things. A Complex Migraine, which fit the description perfectly, and a mini stroke which only would fit if you considered that women present differently with a stroke than a man so the symptoms might not be classic i.e. a woman might experience numbness on both sides instead of just one, so I went to the ER to be sure. I went to UMC and was impressed with the improvements that have made since I was last there a couple of years ago. The put me in a dark room and gave me pain medication through an IV for the headache and ran a smattering of test including a MRI of my head. The resulting diagnosis: a Complex Migraine. I've had migraine headaches off and on all of my life but have never gone numb all over from one. My oldest daughter went temporarily blind from one once so I guess anything is possible. I was sent home after two hours and feel much better although the numbness returned for a little while a couple of hours after I got home. Now I can't sleep. Depressed about a lot of things. Got the blues, maybe a hangover from the headache.

Night

Fought a headache that has been building for two days until today it was a massive sinus, migraine, cluster, feeling thing. I took ibuprophen with no results so I took more ibuprophen and extra oxycodone and nothing but I kept trying those things all day. This evening I sent Jeremy to get me some sinus headache medicine nad he came home with Excedrine Sinus and I took three of those with no result. Then a couple of hours ago I though about good old fashioned Aspirin. Worked like a charm. Good night.

Afternoon

It looks like I might not be able to bond Kirk out. I talked to a bondsman who explained that they will garnish the wages of the co-signer if the person doesn't show up for court and they can't garnish SSI so I don't qualify. There is another bondsman Jeremy is supposed to talk to tomorrow but I think he will get the same response. The one I talked to said they needed someone who had worked full time at the same job for two years and I don't think Jami and Kirk even know anyone who qualifies for that.

I'm still sick today. Throat is not as sore but I still have a fever and a HUGE headache. It doesn't help that I never sleep more than 2 hours and spend most of my life lately as something out of Night of the Living Dead. I'm gonna go try for another two hour nap!

Morning

I'm still having nightmares. I am not vomiting in them anymore, thank God! but they are still about the family that has kicked me to the curb. Terrible, heart wrenching nightmares where they are all reviling and beating me for things I didn't do or didn't mean to do. My dear brother Mike is always the ringleader and EVERYONE is his follower. Last night I dreamed Jess was getting married and all of this went on at her wedding. I have to figure out how to purge them all from my sleep. I've tried hating them back, forgiving them, and just forgetting them not only did none of them work but I think trying to forget them just made them more active in my subconscious mind. Even my grandmother was in this one and she was dead years before it all started! My dead relatives are the only ones I feel close to at all because I like to think we become more all knowing in death and that they are the only ones besides me who know the truth.

Today I go to bail Kirk out of jail and begin a new phase in this saga with my Jami. I pray this is the right choice to make at this time. Will Kirk save her or will he go down with her?? There is always the story of the man who bought a canary to teach his sparrow to sing. Yep, the canary started chirping.

Saturday 1 am

I went to Jami's this evening and when I got there she was sitting at the kitchen table with two guys and they each had a spoon in front of them full of goo that they were stirring with the back end of a syringe all casual like a dysfunctional family at dinner. I can't take this. I know Jami's habit has swung out of control again with Kirk in jail and people giving her pity drugs. Plus I think I might have helped fill that spoon by giving her money to go to the dentist today which she didn't do. I don't know about that, she might still have that money. From the looks of the multicolored bruise on her neck where she shoots up I would say she has been going at it pretty heavy ever since Kirk went to jail. So. Tomorrow I am bonding Kirk out of jail. I wish I had another idea especially one that didn't cost me $750. but I don't. If I could commit her to a drug treatment place I would but I have failed in that every time I have tried. I got Adult Protective Services to go to pick her up once when she was strung out on Meth and they called me later and said that they couldn't pick her up because she told them at the door that she was coming down off of a crank binge and had just taken four valium to sleep and would they please leave and they explained to me that they couldn't take her in unwillingly unless she was incoherent. Go figure. If Kirk gets out then she will move back to Omaha with him and get way from the Council Bluffs junkies and have to think about things like paying rent and surviving again. Alone she gets too much of a free ride still being a very pretty woman if you look past the signs of drug abuse. I can't stand to see her going down the tube like this again. Before Kirk went in they were trying to get off drugs and had their habit down to $25. a day between them, which is still $750. a month! but it was better than what I am seeing now.

I hate that I live in a world where I know and see the things I do in my every day life. I hate that every junkie for miles knows me by name. I miss the clean, oblivious world I once lived in what feels like a hundred years ago. I miss my daughter who was going to rule the world someday. I'm fighting to have her and my world sane again.

I have to sleep now. Don't want any more of this day. It officially ended an hour and a half ago anyhow. Good night.

Friday Morning

Slept poorly as usual. It is crazy to wake up every hour or so either because of pain or having to go to the bathroom or both. I feel like a walking zombie most of the time walking around (and driving!) in a foggy haze. I have to find some solutions to this non-life! I am working on parts of it. The peeing every two hours is being treated by a good Urologist who is doing weekly infusions (you don't want to know what that is!) The pain. Well. I don't know if anyone is ever going to help me with that again since my last doctor lost his license after prescribing Oxycontin for a young man who said he was in so much pain he didn't want to live and the man went home and overdosed on the Oxycontin and died. The next thing you know every doctor for miles and miles is terrified to prescribe any kind of narcotic for pain especially the long lasting Oxycontin that I, too, was taking but I took them as prescribed and had the first relief from pain in my life. I got to enjoy life for about six months and poof! I'm back to the old non-life. I still can enjoy my life but not like I did for those six months!! I could play with my grandchildren and I went to a concert and just lived like other people. Last week I saw a new pain specialist who I heard would prescribe Oxycontin but he turned out to be a good friend of my current doctor and refused to take me as a patient although he did say he would suggest a long acting pain medication for me to my doctor, Dr. Youngblood. Youngblood believes pretty much solely in using Methadone for pain which lasts about four hours for me if it works at all and it makes me jump and jerk convulsively in my sleep waking me up all night. I told him about the convulsive movements and he just prescribed a muscle relaxer to control them but it doesn't work. I tell him how often I wake in pain and he gives me sleeping pills that do nothing. I sometimes joke that I am going to have to start using street drugs but as I get older and the pain gets worse I fear it won't be a joke for long if no one helps me. Enough of that.
I have no real plans for today except to get some money out of the bank for Jami to go to the dentist and get a tooth pulled. The drugs, mostly the meth, have devastated her teeth but she still won't quit. She had sadly become this family's poster child for not doing drugs. Only thirty years old and her teeth are just falling out. I pray every day for a way to save her before the drugs or the MRSA kill her.

Thursday

I have three blogs going already but they aren't keeping me busy enough so I decided to start keeping my journal in a blog, too, since I'm online all of the time. I have been keeping a journal on the PC but I think I will write in it more here for some reason. I guess it's knowing people might see it before I die, which is when I expect anyone to look at my other journals, and I think that might me interesting as well as the possibility of getting outside comments on my life. I have read of tragic incidents of people keeping online journals like the girl who wrote in her journal that she was glad a classmate had died and it caused all kinds of trouble and controversy but I don't think things that would get me in that kind of trouble so I doubt I would write them. My life is either at a stand still or going nine different ways at once so maybe this could even get interesting. I'm afraid I love to write more than I have anything great to say! But we'll see...