I'm starting the prep-work for TG dinner. Jeanette is making a turkey and most of the side dishes for the dinner at her house. I am making the ham and candied yams for the dinner at her house and also a complete dinner to take to Jessica's. I didn't tell Jeanette we are making diner at Jess's, too, but she doesn't want to know anything about Jess anyhow. I hoped they would patch things up by tomorrow but it isn't going to happen. It may never happen and that breaks my heart to think about. Their last words were so bitter and cruel. I don't take sides with one against the other or talk about them to each other. i just pray they will love each other as they should someday. I see both sides, maybe I understand Jess's feelings better but Jeanette's feelings are just as valid even if a little foreign to me.
I think about when I am no longer here and how I hope my girls will have each other then. I think about how alone I am in the world since Mike poisoned every single relative I have with his lies and paranoia. Uncle Paul has emailed me a few times since then but I know he really believes the things Mike says, too, mostly because he isn't close enough to Mike to see how ridiculous he is. I take comfort in all the things Mom said to me about what Mike had done before she died and the things he planned to do to me after and know she would have stood by me if she had lived and been able to. All of it and other things from that time in my life is why I can understand Jess's feelings of betrayal right now. I always thought and taught my children that family comes first. That you never turn against your own for anything. I felt secure in having lived my life by this theme and all I had always done to stay close to family from when I was very young and started writing letters to close and distant relatives. Mike used to call me and ask me to call Mom or Aunt Bonnie for him so he could find out how they were without having to get involved in their lives which should have been a big clue that he and i had very little in common about love for family. He feels obligation, more like he does and says what he feels he needs to for family to have a little self respect and to be able to tell others how wonderful he is to his family, but he doesn't feel the love. I do. I want my girls to, too, even if it leaves them as hurt as I was after I lost my whole family, but hoping it doesn't end that way for them. Maybe I am just dreaming there. Maybe I have ideas of family that are extinct. But i refuse to be that way myself with my family and I will fight for them to have the same antique feelings that I do. How do we lose the loyalty and closeness that should be gendered by "family" without losing God??? i don't know. Mike claims to be a very pious man but never had any love or respect for either of our parents or our brother. Or me now. He feels very righteous about these things, that we were all people who were unworthy of his love or even the love of whatever god he claims to worship that he thinks smiles on his sickness. He convinces himself that everyone else is just insane and he is the tortured soul that had to cast his family out to save himself and it steadily make him more and more unbalanced. I would hate more than anything for my girls to be any thing like him in these respects. I want them to know that they are blessed with each other and that they are their sister's keepers of heart. Jami comes the closest to understanding this. I just keep loving them more and more hoping to show them how to love each other by how I love them. I teach the grandchildren how they will all be responsible for each others hearts for the rest of their lives.
I pray for a world that remembers these things.
I think about when I am no longer here and how I hope my girls will have each other then. I think about how alone I am in the world since Mike poisoned every single relative I have with his lies and paranoia. Uncle Paul has emailed me a few times since then but I know he really believes the things Mike says, too, mostly because he isn't close enough to Mike to see how ridiculous he is. I take comfort in all the things Mom said to me about what Mike had done before she died and the things he planned to do to me after and know she would have stood by me if she had lived and been able to. All of it and other things from that time in my life is why I can understand Jess's feelings of betrayal right now. I always thought and taught my children that family comes first. That you never turn against your own for anything. I felt secure in having lived my life by this theme and all I had always done to stay close to family from when I was very young and started writing letters to close and distant relatives. Mike used to call me and ask me to call Mom or Aunt Bonnie for him so he could find out how they were without having to get involved in their lives which should have been a big clue that he and i had very little in common about love for family. He feels obligation, more like he does and says what he feels he needs to for family to have a little self respect and to be able to tell others how wonderful he is to his family, but he doesn't feel the love. I do. I want my girls to, too, even if it leaves them as hurt as I was after I lost my whole family, but hoping it doesn't end that way for them. Maybe I am just dreaming there. Maybe I have ideas of family that are extinct. But i refuse to be that way myself with my family and I will fight for them to have the same antique feelings that I do. How do we lose the loyalty and closeness that should be gendered by "family" without losing God??? i don't know. Mike claims to be a very pious man but never had any love or respect for either of our parents or our brother. Or me now. He feels very righteous about these things, that we were all people who were unworthy of his love or even the love of whatever god he claims to worship that he thinks smiles on his sickness. He convinces himself that everyone else is just insane and he is the tortured soul that had to cast his family out to save himself and it steadily make him more and more unbalanced. I would hate more than anything for my girls to be any thing like him in these respects. I want them to know that they are blessed with each other and that they are their sister's keepers of heart. Jami comes the closest to understanding this. I just keep loving them more and more hoping to show them how to love each other by how I love them. I teach the grandchildren how they will all be responsible for each others hearts for the rest of their lives.
I pray for a world that remembers these things.
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