Still too much grief

Had a terrible crying spell today, just couldn't stop crying. Jenise snuck in a visit. When she left I broke. For all Jeanette has taken from me,  and I still am clueless WHY and then the tears escalate over All The Loss. I am always holding back tears for Jessalynn,  but I manage to hold the Belk grandchildren farther back in my mind, deeper in my heart, mostly accepted loss after almost a year. Today it all poured out again. I was stunned with the desire to just die and not feel it or, God forbid, even more pain. I was almost convinced that I had chosen Life. It's much harder when you are sure there isn't much left anyway.