I miss pen and paper

I really do. Now I have grandchildren who don't know how to write or read cursive because it's no longer taught. Outdated. And my handwriting has deteriorated until I sometimes can't read it. I had years of journals filling stacks of notebooks, almost all of them lost now. I doubt anyone would even want to read them but I wish I had them for Me to read now that I am forgetting so much. I realized today that I have no memory at all of what my nephew Joey looked like. Thinking of Joey grieves me greatly because he was lost to me but now he is totally lost to me. I imagine there are many, many people and memories lost to me. I am aware of some of it but positive I've lost far more than I can fathom. 

I have had this Online Journal for years. Still try to write in it but it doesn't feel at all the same as God old pen and paper. The feeling of thoughts just flowing out on their own is somehow lost in typing for me. I have no idea how people compose anything like this. How they can feel heart and soul pouring out. I can't. Of course, for me, there is also the despair that No One would care enough to want to read anything I write. These will hang online until they are deleted by Blogger Inactive after I die. 

I have little idea how I ended up mattering so very little in the world. I NEVER expected to feel or be like I am. 

My days are carbon copies of the day before. I'm pretty sure I would be diagnosed as "depressed" and maybe that's a correct diagnosis but I see nothing that can change it. I wake, I lay in bed, usually in physical pain, I eat food prepared for me, I mindlessly watch Netflix, Hulu and You Tube until I go to sleep again. Some says the wait seems too long and I take something to sleep away the day. I'm not suicidal but I feel like I have to stay alive so my income can take care of my family. They don't really want or need anything else from me. That's Not saying anything bad about them. It's just the truth. I have no advice or wisdom to share even if anyone wanted it.