Keeping the kids another day

It's just fun having them all here and no one is asking to go home. It's not as nice of a day today, cloudy and spitting a bit, but I let them out in coats to run off some steam. Also, I developed a migraine after I decided to keep them so I need a bit here to get rid of it.
I'm going to repay Cheri for the sushi by making her some of my famous tempura next week on one of the visits. I haven't made it for a loooong time, not the best food for me with the cholesterol problem, but this is a good excuse.
I don't feel bad about doubting John's motives since telling Beaver and hearing how much he thinks it stinks.
Jami came for her visit today, back to her methadone self, which is much better that her meth self. She's a bit sheepish about her behavior Saturday and is back to swearing it is the last time so hopefully we won't see that for a while.
All.

tuesday still have the kids

It is a beautiful day here. Jessalynn, Jenise, and Robby are out front drawing on the sidewalks with sidewalk chalk, the babies are playing together, and I am baking cookies that smell great.
Cheri texted me that she had a surprise for me and she got here at 2 with sushi, salad with carrot dressing, and fried ice cream!!! The best surprise I have had in a long time and delicious, too. Jami didn't call or show today so Cheri left after her required 15 minute wait.
A couple of people have called looking for Jami today. Jim called and talked to her briefly at Sandy's and I guess it wasn't very pleasant so I think he hung up on her but I know where she is.
I got an email from John Perton today pretty much saying none of us would get any news or pictures of Lindsey ever again unless she makes contact after she is 18. I understand him wanting to keep her away from Jami but I wonder about him cutting her off from so much family that love her and that she loves. This included Mikey and his girls, too, so Lindsey has three sisters she will not even know when she is 18. I wish I could think that John is doing this totally for what he believes is Lindsey's own good but I can't stop thinking that it is his own prejudices and dislike of me and maybe others here making him do this. I know I always kept my kids as close to family as I could thinking that if anything ever happened to everyone they knew around them that they would know they had people who loved them in other places that they could turn to.
Then on the flip side I often think Mikey might be making a mistake keeping Jami so in the minds of Joey and Michelle. They love their mommy so much through him, even Michelle who doesn't even know her, has never lived with her, but they talk of missing their mother all of the time not knowing the world Jami lives in that has no room for them. I have to explain drug addiction to Jessalynn when Jami does things like make promises that she forgets or acts differently because she is high and Joey is the same age so I'm sure he has questions about it, too.
Jess is pulling up. Gotta go.

Here we go again

Jami showed up for her visit yesterday flying on Meth. I was worried because I hadn't heard from her since Kirk went to jail so I called Sandy and she hadn't seen her either. I made a few calls and when I called her friend Jeremy he said she had called him around midnight Friday saying she would meet him at some party later, that she wasn't in Council Bluffs. Mike Watson brought her for her visit and that is where she has been staying since Thursday. When she got here I could tell right away she was on Meth and she asked to talk to me. She said that Jim had told her that me getting Kira was something he and I planned. I asked how we could plan for Kira to get burned and she said, Look, I'm trying not to get mad at you looking at me with crazy pinpoint pupil eyes. I told her that I had asked Jim and Teresa if they thought that she and Kirk were able to take care of Kira a long time ago and they said No and that they were right, they weren't taking proper care of her since she was born. Cheri got her shortly later and asked if Jami had gone to the methadone clinic that morning and she said yes and Cheri commented that she seemed much more alert than usual for being on Methadone so Cheri knew, too. then Jami took me aside again and said that she had been staying with Mike because people were calling about drugs and that Kirk had secretly been dealing drugs "behind her back" like he could do anything behind her back. She is in "trash Kirk" mode since he is out of the picture for now. Actually, she is very scary in general now. I was in the kitchen and looked out the patio door and saw she had Kira out there with just a blanket draped around her legs and it was in the thirties. Jessalynn opened the door and told her to bring Kira in for me and Jami came in saying she didn't think Kira was cold out there. Then she insisted on changing Kira into pants and a shirt saying she was dressed too warm in the house even though I explained that it is cold on the floors in the apartment. Kira took off the clothes like she does unless it is jammies with feet or a onesie she is wearing so Jami put her PJ's back on. It was all just crazy and she has no clue how crazy she appears to everyone else like she didn't seem to know how messed up she has been acting on all the Methadone she is getting. I don't know what is going to happen. She talked about getting Kira in a week through family services but I know that won't be happening, thank God. Cheri thinks that Jami is happier being a part time mother like things are now, that she doesn't have it in her to be a full time mom and Jami seems to be clueless about what any of them really think. She also makes comments about how she thinks I would have a hard time giving Kira up. I tell her I would be glad to give her to them if I knew they would be able to take care of her. She seems to be getting back into the thinking I thought she had outgrown like she was when I had Lindsey. And it is all sooo crazy like I thought I would like to raise more kids after mine grew up!! Of course I will, any of my grandchildren will always have a home with me if they need one, but it is the hope that their parents will raise them and I will just be grandma. Jami thinks that Jess is in the same or worse shape as her as a parent and that seems to make her feel better and I don't correct her but that is soo far off base. Jess is a good mother even though I help her a lot. She buys food for the kids with her food stamps instead of selling them and makes sure they have a nice home to live in. Yea, she uses section 8 but she keeps up with all it entails and her bills to keep her children. Jami just doesn't see the difference. It is all so sad for Jami and for Kira but it is getting even sadder for Kirk. He is the dirty dog according to Jami now and will be blamed for everything that has happened although that will be unimportant compared to how Jami does without him. in the future. Jeremy and Beaver are worried for me, both say do not be alone with her any more while she is so volatile without Kirk to take it out on and I know they are right although that might be hard to do. Kirk called today and said that Jami won't take his calls and that she says she is done with him. I told him to worry more about her cutting him out of Kira's life as she seems to be trying to do although I assured him that Cheri has noted that he is more parental material. I don't have any illusions about Jami any more, haven't for a long long time. She can't seem to tell the truth about anything and it doesn't take long at all for her to really believe the things she says. I think I am ready for the attacks to come and the things she will blame everyone else for. The proof will be in the pudding as they say. She is totally irresponsible and I have to keep Kira safe. That is the number one priority and I have the memory of Lindsey as well as all the trauma Lindsey goes through still to motivate me to be strong and fight for Kira.
My shrink says I need a therapist to talk about all of this before it drags me too far down and I will get that going but for now this is my therapy. And the always good advice from Beaver and Jeanette and Jess.
That's all folks.
Thanks for your support.

Kirk to Jail

Kirk was sentenced 90 days today for not paying restitution on that accident he had last year. Jami called very upset and kept saying how they were so surprised, I was only surprised that it didn't happen sooner. I don't know how Jami will get by without Kirk but I'm sure she will figure out something. I just don't know how good whatever she figures out to do will be.
Jami started going to the Methadone Clinic again for "detox" although it seems like all they have done so far is mess her up more. She is higher than she has been for ages acting and talking like she just chugged a fifth of vodka. She said they started her at 40 mg. and then raised it four days later even though she missed the next three days. I don't think they have any plans to get her clean any time soon. I've always thought the BAART clinic just got them all addicted to methadone instead of narcotics for which they got paid and make a lot of money. Now the state is paying for Jami's treatment and I'm sure they will get as much money as they can out of this. In the mean time Jami is enjoying her legal buz. Even though I don't like BAART it really bugs me that Kirk wasn't allowed to go to the Methadone clinic, too, because of Jami's claims that he beats her. I wish he would grow some balls or at least a spine and take up for himself against Jami's allegations. Maybe he is afraid because Jami is so very convincing. When I tried to tell them at the clinic that Jami was the violent one they didn't believe me. Not only does Kirk get dogged unfairly but Jami will never get help to get better if no one addresses her aggressive behavior. She went on one of her tangents last weeks that lasted at least three days. Kirk got drunk and Jami kicked him in the butt while he was puking in the toilet and it was on for days. Kirk has the most Godawful bruises on him including the worst bite mark I have ever seen on his inner thigh. As always she cries that he just kept attacking her for no reason and that he beat her with a toilet seat. Her face is scratched up but those wounds look self inflicted although I do think Kirk fought back to some extent. They were here over the weekend and Jami kept taking Kirk outside to go at him some more and she flared at every little thing he did or said, same story as ever. Kira could feel the tension and didn't sleep at night until Sunday when they were gone and then she went right to bed and slept twelve hours. Cheri says it is obvious that Jami doesn't want to be a full time hands on mother and doesn't believe she could. it is all sad and aggravating. I pray that KVC is very careful about when Kira is returned to Jami and Kirk and I also pray that Kirk doesn't get cut out of the picture for the accusations that he is abusive. Jami tears my heart out and has no clue that she is so very messed up.
Jeremy put brake pads on the van today since Kirk can't do these things for me now. Jeremy didn't get the brakes bled so I don't know how the girls will get to school tomorrow.
I now have the plague that Kirk brought us and gave the babies who gave it to Jess who passed it on to me this week. It is an ugly monster. I wish I could just sleep through it but of course I can't.

Killing time

I have to leave for an appointment with Dr. Rogers in 15 minutes so am killing time.
The Town and Country has had a few problems but I still think it is a good deal. What $400. car doesn't have a few problems???? We had to put a new belt on it when we got it and then the belt came off yesterday so I called Kirk to come put another one. Turns out they put the wrong belt on the first time so maybe this one will stay. There is an electrical problem in the dash, odd things happen, and I know that will be a pain in the butt to fix but hopefully I'll find someone who can do it.
Jaz is better. She has been with her mom the last few days but I am picking her up today for the night. When I stop by there she hugs me and points outside wanting to go with me and it breaks my heart.
Jami had court on the child endangerment Tuesday. They wanted her to plead "no contest" but she wanted to fight it even though she would pretty much be fighting me in court since I was summoned by the prosecution but when we all got there she took the plea. I'm very glad she did. I really didn't want to have to testify. Jami is saying the statements I made at the time are false and I don't know if she just doesn't remember or if she just wants it to go away but I told the truth. I do think a few things I said got twisted a little but they have all of the basics correct.
Jeremy is actually making an effort to get along with me and to help me more. I feel bad for him in a way, I would hate to screw up as much as he has. He still insists that wrecking the Blazer wasn't his fault at all but the truth is he shouldn't have pulled out into an intersection in a vehicle that he knew might stall out in front of anyone. And the truth is HE IS A TERRIBLE DRIVER. I don't think that is all his fault, he is not willfully careless, he just doesn't have the awareness to be driving at all. I have taken over the driving again, I should have never gotten lazy and started letting him drive himself to and from work so I wouldn't have to get out with Kira every night, but it IS a drag to have to!!!!
OK. Gotta fly.
See ya.

Jaz has Pneumonia

Took Jaz to the ER last night. She was put on oxygen immediately and we were there for about four hours while they got her stable. She was sent home with me with antibiotics, steroids, and more Albuterol. today has been touch and go with one foot out the door to the ER. They want us to try to control her breathing here so she doesn't get exposed to even more infections in the hospital but she isn't doing very well at all. The red flags, labored breathing, not drinking or wetting, are getting pretty bright red but Jeremy got home a little while ago and got her to drink a little and she is up and playing a little. This is so scary.

Kira is doing better, the antibiotics are giving her diarrhea but she is feeling better. It is just hard having both of them sick and wanting attention.
I'm glad Jeremy is home.
We bought a Town and Country van from Linda F. and it appears to be a very good deal, the best thing we have had.

By By Blazer!!

Jeremy called around eleven tonight and said that the Blazer was totaled. He said that the other driver was at fault but claiming that he hit her. I called Rob to meet me there and took a cab to the scene. Rob called Jeanette who called me while I was on the way there and said that the other vehicle was a cop car and that there were cops everywhere and that they had the intersection blocked off. It ws a nightmare scene of flashing lights. Jeemy ws in the back of one of the cop cars waiting for me to get there with his ID and the proof of insurance etc. The Blazer was hit on the passenger side and both those windows and the front and back windshields were shattered. the cop car was up in a snow bank with the front end crushed, both vehicles totaled. Poor Jeremy seemed just stunned. I emptied the Blazer while they checked out all the car information and Rob gave us a ride home. Jeremy was ticketed for no license and false plates, I still had the last owner's plates on it. I was going to register it today but Jeanette told me there wasn't a fine for doing it late so I put it off. The ticket is cheaper than registering it would have been so maybe that is a good thing. But we have little hope that he will win the suit over whose fault it is since it is a cop car. He is likely screwed. But thank God he isn't hurt. He feels terrible about it and refuses to accept the comfort I try to offer or my assurance that I'm just glad he is OK.
I have no clue how we are going to recover from this one but I know we will.

Kira Sick Again

Now here is what bothers me about this. Kirk came to see Kira Wednesday even though he and Jami have had a terrible virus, coughing, fever, congestion. I asked them both not to come and he came anyhow. I got here after he did, he got here early, and I had picked up masks from the doctor. When I got here he was with Kira and hadn't even washed his hands. A little late for the mask but I told him to put it on anyway. Then neither of them showed up for the Friday or Saturday visits. That's my problem here. If it was that he just HAD to see Kira, missed her so much he came before they were well, then he or they should have come for the next two visits, too. Not just come and get Kira sick and then go about their business. I warned him that I would do him damage if the kids got sick and then reminded him of that today. I didn't even get a phone call from them all weekend although Jami called Jess.
If the other kids get sick and Jaz goes to the ER or Jessalynn misses any more school I am going to go ballistic on Kirk.
I took Jaz home today after dropping Jeremy off at work and before picking up the school girls. It was just Kira and me here for the first time all month but she was so sick she slept all afternoon and evening.
There is a visit scheduled tomorrow.
Hope Kirk is ready for me.

Last Day of the Week!!!

Almost the last day of the month. Not that either of those things mean much...
Put away all of the laundry. It took longer than washing it. But the babies weren't at the laundromat and they weren't much help. It is very difficult to get things done with just one baby. Two should make it easier because they play together but they both want my undivided attention most of the time.
I was supposed to take Jessalynn to see her mother today but it was noon before I got in touch with Jess. I am supposed to pick Jess up after Jeremy gets off and take her and Jessalynn to her house if things go as planned. I haven't heard from Jess since noon so I'm not too sure. Calling her now. No answer. Jessalynn is staying up to see her mom and I'm afraid she is going to be disappointed again.
Jami sent me a text saying they wouldn't make the visit because they are sick. Cheri wasn't too happy about it! I know Jami is sick but I'm not sure about Kirk. I haven't talked to them all day.
I tried to look up KVC on the Internet and couldn't get to their site because it said something about it not being a safe site. It appears they are new in Nebraska but have been very successful elsewhere, mostly Kansas. I really wanted to see their mission statement. Something just feels wrong with the way this whole thing is going. Jami and Kirk get very little help with their addiction, I think Jami was approved to go through the BAART clinic for help but not Kirk, and it just won't work unless they help both of them at the same time and even that is iffy. There seem to be no pressure on them to find jobs or a home. They were pushy about them getting their evaluations done but then nothing. And I don't seem to get much help with Kira's care at all. I get $10.00 a day pay to take care of her, maybe that is low because I am also her grandmother, and that doesn't do much. She is a ward of the state and I am her foster mother and I know foster parents are supposed to get a clothing allowance and other things that aren't available to me. I asked if they could help with a car seat and clothes and they said that I was supposed to buy that out of the $10.00 a day. It wouldn't matter except I am living on disability and have nothing to spare most of the time. I don't even turn on the central heat in the winter when it is just Jeremy and me and I have had it on since I got Kira 24/7 and that is going to catch up with me. I have been trying to contact my DHS worker since December 16th and she has returned NONE of my calls. I applied online for food stamps almost two weeks ago and when I called to check on it yesterday my worker didn't answer, of course, so I called the main number and the woman who answered said she could do nothing for me. I told her I knew she could at least look up my application and she grudgingly did so and told me that it hadn't been received. I asked if they had problems with online applications and she said no, people file like that all the time, but just mine didn't go through. (Neither did the one I filed for Michelle last month!) Cheri got Vickie's supervisor's name for me and I tried to call her but got her voice mail, left a message, and have heard nothing. Jeremy got his income tax return and it is getting eaten up with groceries and diapers and bills. I haven't even told him how much I have spent of it but I think he has an idea.
We have a Family Meeting with KVC and DHS once a month and the meetings are a joke. We ask for help with things and they discuss which department is responsible for what we are asking about and promises are make and then nothing. We are all supposed to be positive and praise Jami and Kirk for their progress even though there has been very little and everything negative is just skimmed over if it is discussed at all. I don't think Jami and Kirk take any of this very seriously and why should they? Nothing is addressed like it is a serious thing if it is addressed at all. When this first started I tried to talk to Ashley about Jami and Kirk's addiction and how I was afraid they would still be addicted when they get Kira back and she said that it was possible they would and when I questioned the wisdom of that she snapped at me that I had to remember that they weren't charged with a drug offense, just Child Endangerment (from using drugs!!!). (Not tht they hurt her because they were high. It was an accident. But I do think being strung out they miss evaluated the seriousness of her injury and that they were hesitant to take her to a doctor because of how and where they were living.)
I see two possible outcomes. One, they eventually give Kira back to her parents just as they are and Kira lives the life of a junkie's kid. Two, they dick around and act like there is nothing pressing that Jami and Kirk need to do to get Kira back and then out of the blue tell them they did a bad job and terminate their parental rights even though they would have done anything required if they had been given the chance and made to understand they might lose Kira if they if they didn't get clean and on their feet fast enough. I really doubt scenario #2. It just doesn't seem that anyone at KVC or DHS or the judge involved care enough to do anything.
Glad I got that off my chest.

18 Loads of Laundry!!!!!

Whew. Think I'm gonna die. It it ever piles up like that again I am throwing it away!!! It took me four hours of busting ass at the laundromat. And I still have three loads of bedding I need to do!!!
I went to Jessalynn's parent teacher conferences yesterday and found out she has been having trouble with both reading and math and is being recommended for summer school. I felt so guilty realizing I haven't worked with her since I got Kira. But Jess and I thought she was doing fine but then again we missed the last conferences. I vow to work with her more.
Just put whiny babies down for a late nap. They might be up late tonight but they really needed a nap. Jeremy said they only took a short one while I was doing laundry.
I am in pain!!! I will pay for doing so much laundry for a few days. I am going to make an appointment to see Dr. Youngblood again and see if he will do more for me for the pain. I don't know why Dr. Gold does me the way he does. The other day I was walking into Walmart and thought "I'm just going to give up and stop walking." I haven't had a thought like that for a long time and I meant it at that moment. My legs burn so badly when I walk, especially going up stairs, I just want to cry sometimes. Dr. Gold gives me just enough pain meds to not want to die most of the time and he wants me to go for some more injection in my back and I just can't make myself do it especially since there is no guarantee that it will help. It hurt terribly last time getting the injection and then was very painful for a couple of days and I didn't notice any benefit. When I told Dr. Gold that I just couldn't stand the thought of someone standing behind me hurting me he said to ask the doctor to put a clamp on my ear to calm me. ????? This is starting to sound like my ex-brother craziness.
Jessalynn is missing her mom very, very, much. Meez is going to have to do without Jess real soon. Jaz doesn't miss her so much, she is pretty happy to be with us, but Jessalynn is older and wants her mom!!!
It is finally getting a little warmer here. I can't wait for a spring day!!! Then I will start bitching about the heat...
Uncle Paul emails me pretty often. It is very nice to have him for family. I missed the rest of them a lot at first after Mike told his lies but now I see it as their loss and am very happy with the family I do have. Uncle Paul is like a link to my father that I still need and I do love him very much. He was the first person to treat me like an adult when I was growing up and I'll never forget the time he drove me from Texas to Kansas. I loved every minute of that trip. Driving the Blazer makes me think of him, too, and the car he drove me to kindergarten in. Plus he gives pretty good advice and there aren't many people who do that for me. Or who I let do that for me...
I bought a shiatsu massager the other day. Think I will go let it work on my back.
See ya.

Doctor Day

Saw Dr. Gold and Dr. Rogers today. Gold for the usual check up, Rogers for the UTI I have been fighting forever. Rogers put me on cipro hoping it isn't what caused the seizure I had last time I was on it. I'm allergic to so many antibiotics it is hard to treat anything. macrobid didn't work.
The visit was very nice today although it seemed to go fast. I did ask about KVC getting Jami and Kirk monthly bus pases and hopefully they will. Kirk is looking for work now and things are sounding a lot better. I hope they can get it together for Kira. They love her so much. I just want them to know that she can't live the life they have been living and give her a lot more. For them, too. I don't think they even know what it is to be happy any more or even what life can be without drugs being part of the equation. I know how hard it will be for them to completely give up all drugs but I am praying it is not impossible. I hope lifestyle will be discussed in a lot of detail and that it is impressed on them that a life that involves any kind of drugs isn't good for kids. Meez is scheduled for another surgery Friday. I'm not sure how it is all going to work out. I know Meez will need Jess's help for quite a while but I don't know how long Jess can take being away from her girls. Maybe Jaz could join her at Meez's but it is too far from here to get Jessalynn to and from school from his house.
Jeremy hasn't had a day off for about two weeks but he is off tomorrow. He definitely meeds a break!

Valentines Day

Jeremy couldn't wait until Valentine's Day. After I asked him to name the gifts he had bought me over the years he finally got it and surprised me with a ring for Valentine's Day. :). It is very pretty but I might have to get it sized. I got him some Homer Simpson pajama pants.
Jami and Kirk missed the last three of their four visits last week. That looks very bad for them but there isn't anything I can do about it. We have a family meeting scheduled for tomorrow and it will likely be discussed then.
Meez is out of the hospital and Jess is at his house taking care of him. I took her there last night after stopping at Outback to pick up their Valentines Day dinner.
I have Jessalynn and Jaz. They are never a problem, Jessalynn is good company and helps out a lot when she is here and Jaz is a good playmate for Kira. Jeremy is totally smitten with Jaz and has spoiled her rotten.
Kira is doing very well. She is such a sweet little thing, loves being cuddled and tickled. It is fun watching the different personalities of these babies develop, they just grow up too darn fast.

The blazer is on the road again but I don't know for how long. Kirk put a new starter in it yesterday so it starts but it stil runs rough after a little while. Jeremy was really mad at me again for making him late to work . I have to get this together. Maybe it is just hard right now after being without a car for a while and trying to get everything done and Meez being in the hospital and trying to get Jess up there and back, etc. Jami and Kirk missed their visit today. Cheri is getting upset because she loses money when they miss and it really looks bad for them to miss so much.
I read a news article a couple of days ago about clinics in Vancouver giving heroin to addicts instead of methadone. It is more effective than methadone and has been very successful there and in other countries. I think it might be a good idea for hard core junkies. I watch Jami and Kirk spin their lives away spending every day figuring out how to get their next hit. The article said that the people going to the clinics are able to resume a more normal life without the daily hunt.

Murder??

I doubt anyone would believe it if it were true, and I'm sure it couldn't be proven without a witness stepping forward, but I have the feeling that the guy who ran over Vern and Meez did it on purpose. It started with a feeling I got when I saw the picture they showed of the driver, Scott Ruffcorn, but then Meez told Jess that it seemed like the car veered to hit them intentionally. The guy looks like a skinhead and has a bad reputation. Jami says that he went to school with her in Logan and she agrees with what I think about this.
Meez got through surgery yesterday and is in even more pain now but that should get better. Jess went up to the hospital to be there for Meez's surgery and ended up stranded there until midnight because the Blazer still needes a starter, something I hope to get fixed today.

Meez in Critical Condition

Meez and a friend were changing a tire on his car on the Storz Expressway at three this morning and were hit by a hit and run driver. The friend who was helping Meez was killed and Meez is in Creighton Hospital in critical condition with a broken ankle, leg, and arm, maybe more, Jess, who took a cab to Creighton when his mom called her, kept cutting out while I was talking to her. The lat time Jess called she said that the driver who hit Meez and his friend had been caught. I would have gone up there, too, but I'm alone with both babies and Trace. And the Blazer is broken down up at Popeyes, I'm hoping Patrick can help us figure out what is wrong with it.

Grandkids for the Weekend

I didn't get the kids to school today because of the snow and having rear wheel drive in the Blazer. (Four wheel drive isn't working.) I picked up Jess and her girls and dropped the girls off with Jeremy and took Jess to her shrink appointment around noon. Then Nett and Rob dropped off all three of their kids around four-thirty. Right after they left I noticed Riley had a fever. I gave him some Tylenol and held him until his temp went down. Then Jenise said her eyes were burning and I took her temp and gave her some Ibuprophen. They felt better and both started playing but Riley wanted to be held a lot still which didn't go over well with Kira and Jaz! Nett came back for Riley but I asked to keep Nici because she would have been heartbroken to have to go home.
I'm up now because my back hurts now. I took Morphine a while ago and still can't go back to sleep so I just took some Hydrocodone, too. Jenise was up crying about an hour ago so I gave her some more Ibuprophen.

A New Pain in the Ass

Bought it last night. It is a '92 Chevy Blazer, one of the few years that made 8 cyl. engines, wish I'd of known that!!! and it has a yet undiagnosed overheating problem.
I found the car on Craig's List. It was the second car I bought this week. The first one was an '88 Mercury Cougar. It was rusted all over and the tranny was going out and it had a bad exhaust leak. When I picked Jessalynn up for school she asked whose car it was, and , when I told her I bought it, she said, "You paid money for this?!" Then halfway to school she asked me if I had seen it before I paid for it. I laughed all of the way home and a little bit every day since then. I put that car back on Craig's List when I got home and it was gone for what I paid for it in two hours.
Then I found the Blazer.
Jeremy and Phillip replaced the thermostat, Jeremy broke a couple of things while doing it, and that wasn't the problem... Maybe it's the water pump.... and now there are no dash lights...
Kira walking and talking. Her parents are having a lot of trouble doing the things they need to do to get her back. I hope they get it together in time.
That's all for now!!!!!

Weekend

I've had a terrible time since going to the dentist. I have been vomiting ever since an hour after getting the tooth pulled and I know it is from the infection in the roots but I haven't been able to hold anything down to take the antibiotics with. I did just eat a little cheerios and take one but I don't know... I'll have to go to the ER and get a shot if I don't get this under control.
I have Jenise and Robby and Trace and have to figure out how I am going to pick up Jeremy and then get all of us to Jessalynn's party later. I have no clue right now what I am going to do.
Jami and Kirk had a good visit with Kira. I'm pretty sure Kirk is going to have to turn himself in Monday.
Nothing else.

Kira 1 Year Check up

Kira had her 1 year check up today and got six shots and had her blood drawn to test for lead. They say there is a problem with lead in the Omaha area. Her iron count was a little bit low, too. The doctor prescribed vitamin drops, said she was too young for the better tasting gummy ones, and she is to eat more red meat with her three teeth.
Jess and I had our shrink appointments today at the same time. I sometimes wonder if Dr. Jahari is really helping Jess but she seems to believe in him so hopefully that will do the trick... Well, unless he is really bad, then he could really screw her up. I just feel like sometimes he convinces her that she is more mental than she really is but it could be that I don't really know how mental she is. She is a hard one to figure!!!
We rushed home to get Jeremy to work on time and stopped at the dollar store to get a few things for Jessalynn's surprise birthday party Sunday and then we stopped at Burger King for a snack. The tooth I had a band on really hurt when I tried to eat a burger and I decided it was time to do something about it. We went and picked up the girls from school and I took Jess and her kids home and Kira and I headed for Emergi Dental. Dr. Scott Green, who I had seem years ago and then been unable to find again, ws working there again. He talked to me about the things that could be done to maybe repair the tooth again and I told him to just pull it. I had begged Jess to watch Kira for me but she wasn't up to it so I had her with me in her carseat and I just wanted to get it done fast and over with. The whole problem with the tooth started with Medicaid refusing to pay for a crown so the root canal went bad. It maybe couldn't have been saved no matter what and I haven't been able to chew on that side for months.
We left the dentist and went to K Mart to shop for Jessalynn's birthday, she asked for clothes, and Kira w3s really sick of being in the carseat and starting to cry so we came home. I have to go get my prescription for antibiotics after Jeremy gets off work.
I'm in quite a bit of pain right now. The good thing about a bad toothache is that I don't feel the back pain...
Yesterday Ashleigh made a big deal about having a check to get some bus passes for Jami and Kirk to visit Kira and then today she gave them each a book of just ten tickets!!! Jami called and told me, frustrated and crying. I told her I had expected something like that and that I would buy her a bus pass when I get my check next week. Kirk is going to jail Monday to serve his 90 days for not paying restitution on that wreck last year.

Another Nutty Day

I thought I got a good start this morning getting up in time to get the girls to school. I dropped Jessalynn off before I picked up Jenise because Jessalynn hadn't eaten breakfast and when I was dropping off Jenise my phone alarm went off reminding me that I had a 9:30 appointment with Dr. Perry. I rushed home and grabbed the Whisp toothbrushes and got to Dr. Perry's ten minutes late still wearing the clothes I slept in that had Taco Bell sauce on them from a midnight snack.
Dr. Perry explained that he is actually an anesthesiologist who has spent the last fifteen years working with injecting a steroid mixture into the hardened scar tissue around injuries to relieve pain and free up movement. He examined me and found many place that were hardened (surprise surprise) and I agreed to try a series of injections twice a week along my spine, neck, and legs. The needle didn't hurt too much going in and then he dug around in each spot he chose feeling for hard places beneath the skin and he would inject those places which was a little uncomfortable but not unbearable with some deep breathing. He injected three places on the right side of my spine and told me to go to Jay, my physical therapist, to have Jay work the injections through the tissue. I dashed home and changed clothes before going to see Jay, who I had forgotten to call and tell I was having the injections today, but he still saw me. Now THAT hurt!!! It felt like Jay was digging in fresh wounds. I guess he was.
I went from Jay's to pick up Jessica and take her to Great Western bank to try to open an account but they wouldn't let her because of some report US Bank turned in on her. (GW bank said that USB was notorious for doing that to people.) Oh, and Jaz had been crying all day like she was in pain so I took her and left her with Jeremy before taking Jess to the bank.
I took Jess home and went to Jeanette's to take Robbie to the doctor. Robby is still running a 104 degree temp!!! And this time the doctor seemed almost as concerned as we have been now that he has been sick like this for 11 days. She said that if he is still running the fever tomorrow to call and they would send him to the University Hospital to have some more tests run. We are all terrified for our little guy and he is such a trooper. Robby has lost five pounds since his last doctor visit three days ago and it shows in his face. He is subdued but still smiles and plays some, unbelievable with how sick he is. He kept asking to go home with me and I kept saying he could as soon as he was well and then I thought about it and told him that he could come over this weekend even if he is still sick and Grandma will take care of him. That got a big smile.
On the way back to Jeanette's I was in terrible pain and Jeanette found my Home Care instructions and read that I wasn't supposed to be lifting anything or doing anything but resting. Oh.
I got home around five and Jaz woke up from a nap with a 101.9 temp so I called Tibbles office and left a message for the nurse to call me. After going over all of Jaz's recent illnesses and medications the nurse told me to take Jaz to an ER. I had to pick up Jessalynn from Girl Scouts at seven-thirty so I decided to take Jaz after taking Jessalynn home.
We found out today that the GS Cookie orders were due tonight and she hadn't been able to sell any yet with everyone sick and everything but Patrick got on the phone and took orders for 88 boxes and I sold enough to get it up to over a hundred boxes of cookies so she could win a prize. I picked up Patrick's order and got to the scout meeting right before it was over. Jessalynn was a little sad that it wasn't like last year and that she wasn't getting the prize she wanted but then her troop leader, Miss Jessica, asked her what she had hoped to win and told her that she would buy it for her at the Girl Scout store this weekend. She is an absolutely incredible troop leader!!
I took Jessalynn home and came home to get Jaz and after thinking about it realized that there was no way I could take her to the ER. I can't carry her at all today so Jeremy had to take her. We have never let him drive with one of the kids in the car because he is a really bad driver but I sent him to the Methodist Emergi Clinic right down the road so they should get there and back OK. They left about a half hour ago. I think most likely that her run of antibiotics, which she finished yesterday, didn't get rid of the double ear infection. I certainly hope it doesn't turn into a mystery like Robby!!
I am in terrible pain. I'm not sure right now if I can go through with this treatment but I'll at least try a few sessions before I give up. I was not ready at all for the amount of pain I would be in tonight although I don't know if it would have been better if I hadn't spent the whole day running around after getting this first one. I'm supposed to be resting and icing it.
Maybe I should get to that now.
Say a prayer for my sick babies.

A better day

Today went better than yesterday, not saying much!, even though Jeremy woke me up when he got off work at 1:30 and I never went back to sleep.
Still very worried about Robbie. His temp was 104 today and still no clue why. I plan to go with Jeanette to the doctor tomorrow and try to demand that they run a few more tests.
I got the girls to school on time and did all of the little things on my list for the day. Jami and Kirk couldn't make it for their visit or the Family Meeting today so it is rescheduled for tomorrow although they have court tomorrow at 1:30 for the Child Endangerment charge.
Kira is still not feeling well. She has an appointment with her doctor scheduled for Friday so if anything develops from the RSV hopefully it can be addressed then.

Jaz Home

Jaz went home to Mommy today. She is doing better with the steroids and Mommy was missing her. Jaz ran from me when she saw me get her coat but then came running when I said we were going to see Mommy. Too cute.
So it back to just Kira and me here. I no longer have to be within Kira's line of sight all of the time. She goes off to play in the Kid Room and everywhere now. She says two words, "ow" and "thank you" and she has one top and one on bottom. Kira is walking more and more but still crawls when she is in a hurry. Too cute.
It is "No Carb" day of my diet. (Not cute at all) I don't have a full blown panic attack on no carb day anymore but I still don't like it. I could never go on one of those strictly no carb diets.
Jeremy picked up a nice dining table and chairs that I took over to Jeanette's today. The kids were so excited to see it!! They want to sit down to meals with Mom and Dad like they haven't been able to before.
Tomorrow is Family Meeting Day with CPS. I am getting ready for the visit tonight. I'm always a little nervous when CPS visits and more so on Family Visits because no less than three CPS workers usually come. I go through the house over and over making sure everything is as child proof as I think and get rid of all the sign of the wild parties I throw. Just kidding.
Kira is asleep. I should get busy.

Jaz ER Again

Another one of "those" days.
Jami and Kirk came for their 11 o'clock visit and I took Jaz to the ER when it was over at 1. The last time I took her to Tibbles he considered putting her on steroids again but then decided to wait and see how she did. I called the clinic and told them she wasn't getting any better and asked if I could have that script for steroids. The nurse told me to take Jaz to the ER and I tried to argue explaining Tibbles had already talked about putting her on Prednisone and she got all snippy and said I would have to take Jaz to the ER for that. When I got to the ER they put us through first since Jaz was having trouble breathing and then when I told the doctor about calling the clinic she wanted to know why Tibbles didn't just call it in instead of exposing their ER to RSV and Jaz to everything else there. I dunno. I stopped at Walmart on the way home and got home at almost 6 pm.

Thursday Wee Hours

Can't sleep. Jaz, Jessalynn, and I have been sick with a baaaaad cold and Nett's kids have it, too. Jessalynn and Jenise haven't been to school this week and Jaz, of course, is having extra trouble with this virus on top of her asthma and having a double ear infection. Yesterday she threw up and I gave her some peppermint water to settle her stomach and then we noticed red blotches on her face. I called Dr. Tibbles office and they said to bring her in. Her eyes were all puffy by the time I got there and I was afraid she was developing an allergy to the antibiotics for the ear infection but Tibbles said he thought it was an allergy to peppermint. Then he heard her cough and said that her cough sounded like RSV and he was very sure of that diagnosis. He said to start nebulizing her every four hours. The rash cleared up but her cough has gotten worse and worse. Then today I noticed her chest retracting when she inhaled and called Tibbles again. They said that if breathing treatments didn't control the retracting to take her to the ER. We've kept it under control so far but I didn't take her home because Jess doesn't have a car and it is hard for her to do the breathing treatments alone. It often takes both Jeremy and me to hold her down for them.
Jami and Kirk came for their visit today. I noticed that Jami kept her winter scarf on for the two hour visit in this hot, steamy, house and I got a peek at her neck and saw the fresh tracks. Chere noticed, too, and called Ashleigh but I don't know what was said or done. Likely nothing will be done. Jami and Kirk both looked pretty rough and Jami fell asleep for a while on the bean bag chair during the visit.
Kira somehow isn't sick yet and I hope she dodges this bullet like she did the last time all of the kids were sick.
Jaz was feeling pretty good for a while this evening and it was so cute watching Kira and her playing. They emptied the pots and pans cabinet like they like to do and they each had a pot and one would hold her pot over her face and make funny noises in it and then the other laughing at themselves. I love to see how they are starting to love each other.
Jeremy was supposed to start a second job at JimmyJohns today and I talked him out of it. I think two jobs is just too much for him, he has been really sick for quite a while and we have no clue what is wrong yet, plus I really need him home during the days to help me get through all of the things I have to do for us and the kids. He was upset about me interfering with what he wanted to do but he gave in after a lot of pleading. It's just al bad time in a lot of ways for him to get all ambitious.
I am excited about the diet Cheri told me about and am already starting to lose weight. It is Day one, no carbs, Day two, 1200 calories, and Day three whatever you want to confuse your metabolism. No carb day is the hardest for Cheri and me, I almost fast on that day but I am starting to plan ahead for the day and it is getting easier. It is unbelievable how many things have carbs!!!!! This is the first time in a looooong time I have been hopeful that I might actually get back down to a size 11!!!
I've been having terrible back trouble. The pain, even with meds, is almost unbearable at times with nerve pain shooting down my legs to my heels and many other pains. Tomorrow I am seeing a specialist Dr. Gold recommended who is supposed to do injections in my back that Dr. Gold thinks will help.
The Missionaries stopped by today to give me a blessing, also prescribed by Dr. Gold, but Jaz was having a bad time and I asked to do it another time. They pressed and said that it wouldn't take long but Jeremy didn't want them in with Jaz crying and Idol on so I asked if we could do it in the hall. The Elders laid hands on me and asked for me to be healed and I admit I felt good while they did it, I just wish they weren't LDS. NO, that isn't quite it. I do love the Mormans individually but I just cannot accept all they teach, Joseph Smith etc,. as the whole Truth or, indeed, any Truth. I don't think any church today has a grip on the whole truth although the Quakers come the closest but I think the LDS are way out thee with their beliefs and rituals. I would have felt the same pleasure to have anyone pray and lay hand on me right now!! Of course they said that the peace I felt was proof of their divine religion and I am happy for them that they have that much faith in their church, even if I find it misguided, and I am grateful that they took the time to come and share their blessing. I just so much wish they would make their ways of life their religious focus instead of Joseph Smith and his Book of Morman but that could never happen.
I loaned Rob $100 today to have a nasty tooth pulled and hope that getting that out of his mouth will make him feel better all over.
We talked to the woman with the Blazer for sale finally today and she does still want to sell it but can't right now. I just hope it happens before the Lumina gets repossessed.
I think that is the update for now.

Saturday Evening

Ahhhh what a day!!! I got a couple of hours sleep and have been bleary all day. Trace went home a little while ago and I am hoping to somehow get a nap before Jenise and Robbie get here and Trace comes back for the night.
I got the house cleaned up for the CPS visit but Jami and Kirk didn't show up because they forgot what time they were supposed to be here. Cheri is getting a little upset at their not showing and showing up late because she wastes time and loses money. I think she is turning in an unfavorable report on them. I do defend them that it is hard for them to get here from Council Bluffs but I also think I would make the visits if it was my kids no matter what. BUT then again, this whole thing just doesn't seem to be taken seriously by anyone. I really don't think CPS cares if they are rehabilitated or not. They just go through the motions and will eventually give Kira back to them no matter what unless they do something catastrophic like kill someone.
I feel half dead and am throwing up just because I am so tired. I usually don't feel my age except when I am sick or don't get to sleep.
OK. I'm going to lay down with the babies.

Saturday Morning

Lisa was released from the hospital yesterday. Both of her ankles are badly broken and they sent her home to take care of herself and her five year old son. Jess and I went to her house right after she got there and I left Jess to spend the weekend and then I went to get her 17 prescriptions. I had to leave Ralston and go back later in the evening because Walgreens didn't have all of her meds ready. When I got back to Lisa's Jess had already made her home wheelchair friendly and even moved her fridge by herself. I'm pretty proud of her!!
Jaz was fussy all day and at eight her temp ws 103.7. I gave her some tylenol and got it down to 101 and then gave her some Ibuprophen, too.Then she wouldn't go to sleep last night so I took her to the ER at around 4 am. She had a bad double ear infection so they gave her numbing med for her ear and Amoxicilin. We got home around 6 and she finally slept. Natalie dropped off Trace at 8:30. Jeremy let him in and I got up at ten.
Now I have to get ready for Jami and Kirk's visit with Kira at 11.

Do I say it here???

Is it here I can say how I feel and what I think??? Not really. I don't want to hurt anyone who might come here that knows me ever again and the things I think and feel could hurt someone. Even a stranger who knows what I am saying or relates in any way.
There is no where no one to talk to except God.

I'm Baaaaack! A New Year

It has been so long since I have been here it no longer deserves the title of Daily Journal.

I just got Cricket Broadband. Been without Internet for over a year.

What a year.

Three grandbabies were born while I was offline. Jess had Jasmine in October 2008, Jeanette had Riley in November 2008, Jami had Kira in January 2009. I believe Dawn had twins in March of 2009 and Michelle also had Cherish in March 2009.Babies babies babies. Jessalynn's father, Patrick, also had a baby, Gage, a few months ago.

Kira is living with me right now. I am her temporary foster mother while Jami and Kirk clean up and get their lives together. They get four two hour visits a week and the visits go really well. I just hope they can do all they have to do to get her back. NOT that I want rid of her!!! She is a sweet little thing.

I still have the grandkids most weekends. Riley just came for the first time New Year's Eve, I think that was harder on Nett than Riley.

We're hoping to move next month if we can get into another place. I found a place that is closer to Jessalynn and Jenise's school and a hundred dollars a month cheaper but don't know if we will qualify for it yet. Well, I haven't even gone and looked at it yet either!!! If we're not having a blizzard it is dangerously cold out and I am not allowed to go anywhere without Kira so I don't get out much lately.

My nightmare biological brother made a fast trip up here last year to give Jeanette the car Joe Jolley left when he died. He acted all paranoid and terrified of me even though he is the last person on earth I would ever want to see and he has no clue how ridiculous he looks to people here who actually know me. He is used to his wide eyed listeners who he'll tell his stories to, and he is quite the story teller If you have all day to listen, and I can't believe I used to be one of his listeners.

OH, there has to be something better to write about.

I am often exhausted, over worked, stressed out, still in a lot of pain, and usually broke, but somehow I still think I have a very good life. It is all about the people I love and who love me.

Jeremy may have to stop working and file for disability. His doctor says it is time because he had a seizure at work and has been having breakthrough seizures more and more often. I haven't figured out how we will get through the waiting period after he files, it can take years like mine did, but I'm working on it. He is staying with his new buddy, Phillip, right now because CPS didn't approve of him living with me with Kira here but I expect Jami to get Kira back within the year.

We celebrated Kira's first birthday here yesterday. Maybe I will figure out how to add some pictures to this journal.

I have Jessalynn and Jazz here, too, right now and they all need my attention so this is all for now.

See ya.

Michelle Giving Birth

Little Michelle is having her baby irl right now. I am on the computer in the waiting room. I think it is going to happen at any minute, she has been pushing for two hours now!!!!!
I don't have a lot of oppportunity to get online anymore. My PC is maybe history. All it does is say that it can't find an operating system. I am going to take it to Geek Squad but have little hope.
riley just woke up so I have to stop for now but there is new news about everyone and everything....

Just a Quickie

This has to be fast. I'm on a fifteen minute PC at the library and have already been on a while. And I have to leave pretty quick and pick up Jessalynn from tutoring.
I totaled two cars last month,. the front wheel finally fell off of the Honda so I got a Saturn that I loved but got T-boned about a week later and and lost the Saturn. And almost got killed but I'll go into all that later.....

Thanksgiving 2008

We had TG dinner at Jeanette's this year but Jeremy and I did all of the cooking. Things didn't go perfectly, we woke with a clogged toilet and then Jess called and said that Meezie's father had died that morning. Plus I was sick with a cold and a sinus infection and couldn't taste what I was cooking but I think it all turned out OK. Everyone ate it all.

Jeremy and I brought Jessalynn, Jasmine, Jenise and Robbie home with us that night. Jasmine went home the next evening but we kept the other three until Sunday night and had a really great time with them all.

Jeanette and I took Riley for his one week check up today and found out that his collar bone broke during his delivery as well as Jeanette's tail bone. Poor little guy!!! Otherwise he is dong very well. :-)

Tonight I have what will likey be my last meeting with the Morman Missionaries. Last visit I asked them three questions that they couldn't answer and they said they would get back with me in a week or so. They stopped by for a short visit Saturday and I asked them how it was going with my qestions and they said they didn't have the answers they were hoping to find but that they did have some things they had found. Tonight I have about forty pages of questions and observations for them and I will attempt to save them. I plan to put the summary of all my research online when I get it all typed up.

OK. that's it for now. I'm at the library and I am out of here!!!!

Riley Jaco Born 11/23/08!!!!

Riley was born Sunday afternoon at two forty three pm. He weighed eight pounds and three ounces and is twenty one and a half inches long!!!!! Riley and Jeanette are both doing very well although jeanette's tailbone broke during the delivery.

This was my first time to watch a natural delivery and it was absolutely amazing!!!!!

I spent the night at the hospital with Jeanette and we stayed up almost all night talking. We found out we have a lot of weird quirks in common!!!

I'm in the family room at Methodist Hospital now and we are getting ready to check out.

Just thought I would check in here...

I found Dawn

I Googled Dawn and Craig and found them and we talked for hours the other night. She has seven children now!! She topped off her family with boy/girl twins last spring. It was wonderful talking to her again. We talked about everything that has gone on in our lives for the last five years or so since we last talked and about the Morman church. I am very proud of her and all she has done with her life. I really hope to be able to see her again someday soon. I have to see all these kids!!! I feel that they are mine as I feel that she is mine. I am also very very proud of Anthony, her oldest son, who is almost sixteen now. He sounds so wonderful. I know that being in the Morman church has a lot to do with how Dawn's life has turned out and am very thankful for that. It does make me want to keep investigating the church although it doesn't make me want to rush to join. I know it is right for her. Whether or not it is right for my family and me might be a different thing.
The elders were here this evening. I told them I wanted to read the book of Acts before I went any further with them and that I would be looking at other churches, too, and they said that was fine although they, of course, are still pushing LDS very hard as they always do when you talk to them. Jeremy and I are going to take a tour of their church tomorrow evening with them. They brought a man with them tonight, I don't remember his name, I'm bad about that, and they have several times brought members with them when they visit, but this time I sensed pretty quickly that this man was different even before they told me who he was. He seemed to just kind of glow when he spoke and halfway through the visit they explained who he was. I forget the title he holds but he isn't just a missionary but holds a high position in the church here. It was impressive that someone could have the air about him that this man did is Morman. I told them that I wasn't jumping in the water but was just looking at it for now and again they said that was fine and then went on with this evening's lesson. ;-) Tonight they talked about chastity and with it about Jeremy and I getting legally married in Nebraska since Nebraska doesn't recognize the common law marriage we had in Texas. I explained that we were bothered by that, too, but that I would lose my disability benefits if we got married legally here. They said that they would consult a lawyer about it. Internesting....
Being behind on all our bills finally caught up with us and we lost our Cox phone and they will be shutting down our cable and Internet at any time now. We went and got a Cricket cell phone and have a converter box for one of the TV's so far and that will have to do for now. I have internet on the cell phone and will use the one at the library after this is shut off. It's a bit of a bummer but we've accepted it. I'm glad Jeremy doesn't seem to hold it against me that this is because of the money we spent helping Jami. We will get back on our feet again and get it all together again soon. We were planning to cut the cable and internet to give us a break to catch up and keep the phone but we were to far behind to even keep the phone with them.
OK. Bedtime. See you.

After Halloween

Jeanette, Patrick, and I took Jenise, Robbie, and Jessalynn trick-or-treating in the Cherry Hills subdivision and had a fun night even if a bit exhausting. My best moment was when a man offered Robbie a box of Nerds and Jenise thought he was calling Robbie a Nerd and she yelled He's a Vampire not a nerd!! I love the way those two love each other.
We lasted as long as the kids did and I got home by about ten. Patrick and I talked a lot during the walk. He so obviously still loves Jess it is really sad to see although he tries to hide it, there is just no hiding a love like that. I do often wish they had just been more compatable or at least older when they got together.
I do hate that Jess is with Meezie!!! He will never amount to anything and he will never marry her and he will never support her even halfway. He is being nice to her right now, taking her out to dinner tonight, but I am not at all impressed.
If he wants to impress me he could start by getting real job.
And do his own laundry or SOMETHING around the house besides mess it up and run up the bills.
OK. I got that out of my system for now!!!
Jeremy and I are getting along better again. He does try so hard but he is such a butthead and that is sooo ingrained in him from being raised by a bigger butthead.
I had the Morman elders here again at one today and have agreed to go to church with them tomorrow. I still don't feel any strong urge to join with them. I want to re-read Ann Moore's Till Morning Light and check her references to what she wrote about the beginnings of the Morman church. I know her opinion was negetive but I don't remember what all her disagreements were or where she got her information but I do remember agreeing with her thoughts at the time I read it not long ago at all. And I still have deeply ingrained in me a distrust of all "organized religion" and nothing I have heard or seen yet has let down that guard at all. I am going to attend their church to hear and see what they do there different from other churches I have seen, I have been to many and found them all to be, to me, false, and I will give theirs the same fair chance to make me feel compelled to join. I do enjoy discussing the Bible with people familiar with it, and these guys are although maybe not so much as the workers in the Truth, but I may continue to resist their pushing of The Book of Morman even though I am dutifully reading it to also give it a fair chance. I think I wouldn't bother at all if it weren't for Dawn and wondering how her life is now that she has become a Morman.
I am getting ready now to have all of the grandkids here for the evening. Even Jasmine will be here for a little while while Jess goes out to eat with Meezie. :-) The otheres will be spending the night and I hope most of tomorrow with me.

Speachless

I've lost my voice with this new bug I caught from Jeremy. I can squeak like a chipmunk or bellow a terrible sound. (that hurts!) I just hope Jessalynn and Jasmine don't get it!!! Nor Jenise and Robbie, but I'm not around them as much although we went over there this evening. We stopped by at Nett's to drop off some Pepto chewable pills because the kids have a stomach flu they likely got from Jessalynn last week. I told them it was candy to get them to take it, not the best idea, I know, but they had already refused the liquid Jeanette tried to give them. Robbie ate his right away but Jenise was suspicious and didn't eat hers until after Robbie asked for another one.
After we left Jeanette's, we stopped at Jessica's to drop off Jessalynn and help a bit with Jasmine while Jess gave Jessalynn her bath. Whie there I realized I was late for an appointment with two Morman elders but didn't have their number with me to call.
Oh, yea. I've been talking to the Mormans. It started the other day when they stopped to chat while Jeremy and I were outside looking at the poor car. Then I invited them to stop by and discuss thier religion a couple of nights later. That went OK and they answered my questions but I didn't necessarily like their answers. I asked why, if Jesus's words were our instructions, set in stone so to speak, why did the Morman church make laws then change them such as Polygamie? They said that many things were changed with the times all throughout the Bible but I don't believe it was meant to be so after the new testament myself. I asked why the only use the King James Version of the Bible when there are words in it that have totally different meanings now? and they said that it was the translation closest to the word of God and that it had a poetic sound to it. Hmmm. I listened to them talk about their church, a lot of it I had already read on the Internet getting ready for their visit, and they made it all sound so very simple and denied that they think that those who don't join the Morman church aren't true Christians. I agreed to read some of the Book of Morman they left and set up to see them again tonight.
The Book of Morman didn't move me at all like they were hoping. It almost seemed blasmephous to me in some ways. There is a lot of rewriting of scripture already in the new Testament with stories added about the words of Jesus that were supposed to be revealed by Joseph Smith who saw them written on gold plates that disappeared after he read them. I was rather impressed with what I had researched about Joseph Smith on the Internet. It is amazing that a boy of fifteeen would have such insights from God or anywhere. I could even believe he was a prophet. I also believe Mohamed and Buddah and martin Luther King and a slew of other were prophets of the same kind. But, I also believe that the Mroman faith has been as corrupted as any other church by the ideas of men. And another thing that bothered me. Jess was here once when they stopped by for a minute last night and they invited her to church and she said she didn't have church clothes and they told her she could wear whatever she wanted, to come as she was. Now, when I first started with "The Truth" they said exactly the same thing but later let me know that women and girls had to wear conservative dresses and never cut their hair, and wear it up once a young woman!, and the men were to wear dress shirts and slacks and have no facial hair. I read in the book of Morman that they expect the women to wear dresses and the men to wear a shirt and tie to church. Those now and then rules have always greatly irked me!!!! It's like they will way anythying to get you there and then they tell you all of the real rules you will go to hell if you don't follow them. They said nothing of the undergarments I know all true Mormans wear... And while I am oging at it, it bothered me that alomst all of the footnote references at the bottom of the pages in The Book of Morman refered you to another chapter and page in The Book of Morman instead of to the Bible.
I like these guys. I'm amazed that there are so many intelligent, influential, people withing the Morman church. Or any other church!! The biggest example the Catholics. Huge churches with huge followings. And millions of people tortured and or killed all for the sake of these religions. Some even torture and kill themselves!!
I haven't yet found the gospel according to the original twelve disciples, or the words of Christ recorded in the Bible, being upheld in any church on earth.
But I do find from time to time people who do all they can to live by these things on their own uncorrupted by the demands of rules and tithings and with no vanity that every one else has it wrong.
Those are the people, and children!, I would want to talk to, if anyone, about God.

War on the Homefront

We aren't getting along too well. In fact we are either fighting or not speaking. I prefer the not speaking. :-)
It has been brewing for a while. I am sooo sick of Jeremy arguing with Jessalynn all of the time like he is six years old, too, or sometimes even younger. I would just feel pity for him if it was all he is capable of but it is not. If I try to tell him how to deal with her he just argues with me even though everything he or I say only prove that I am telling him the right things. I'm also real tired of how he and Jessica fight all of the time, usually him making some snide remark that starts it off. Add to that he has been spending more and more money on recreation and contributing less and less to the house while bitching more and more about what we can't afford and I want to strangle him.
He was sitting at the computer and I said something that irritated him and he hit the keyboard. I walked over and slapped him across the back of the head and he ripped the whole keyboard tray off of the desk. I told him to get out and he said no so I took an arm load of his clothes and threw them out in the hall. He shoved me out the door with them and shut the door with me out there in the cold in a T-shirt and panties!!! Asswipe!!
Yea, it doesn't help that my car isn't running and I feel trapped here with his bullshit but I have been looking up bus routes and will free myself. Last night I slept in Jessalynn's room with her and it was quite nice.
I am going to apply for Section 8 Housing again. I qualified before but Jeremy couldn't live with me so I gave it up and we moved here. I need my own place or I will never know the peace I want or be able to enjoy my family.
Jeremy asked me what my plans were this morning and I told him that and he got all huffed up and said "So I am supposed to just sit here and pay half your bills until then??!!" I said No way! I told you to get out yesterday and you are free to go anytime. In fact, go now!! I can always take my SSI and go stay with Jeanette until I get my Section 8!! Fool. Try to strongarm me.
It truly is a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
And that makes it not nice to say that but soooo much of what Jeremy doesn't know about how to get along is him refusing to learn, NOT him being unable. MAYBE he truly can't understand WHY he needs to learn the little things about life to get along but that is also his own stubbornness to not see that his judgement never pans out like he thinks it will. There are too many incidents to count, truly, where I have advised him one way and he has gone another to his own detriment, often hurting both of us. He is not beyond eventually learning cause and effect.
Instead Jeremy is just full of himself and frustrated that the rest of the world doesn't see things his way. It is sad that so many take an instant dislike to him but he comes across as such an imbecil, much more so than he really is, because he refuses to believe that acting like he is still in high school just isn't cool at thirty-two. He will beat his head against a wall to prove to me that it isn't harder than his head until he needs stitches.
Almost literally.
I can't take anymore of this!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday Morning

Last night Jeanette came and drove me around to take care of my business for a few days with trips to Walgreens and the grocery store, etc.
On Beaver's instructions, Jeremy and I put brake fluid in the Master Cylinder yesterday and we were going to try to drive it to the gas station to air the almost flat tires and to the repair shop to save towing fees. The gears shifted at first but before we even took off they froze up again even with the fluid in it so I have to believe it is more than a simple leak and likely the Master Cylinder or worse.
It was a nice outing with Jeanette. We shared our misery and laughed at it and stopped and visited Jess and Jasmine. Patrick dropped Jessalynn off here and I kept her overnight and Patrick will pick her back up tonight for the night. There is no school today and tomorrow because of Parent Teavers Conferences, so we have a few days to get the car fixed if we can afford whatever the price is going to be. We won't know that until Friday when the guy can look at it after we have it towed to him.
Last night I had one of the worst nightmares ever. I dreamed the lights in the house weren't working and then peoplelike things appeared trying to abduct us and I tried all kinds of prayers and encantations that had no effect because they turned out to be some kind of aliens, they kept trying to inject us with something but we fought them even though they were very, very, strong, and when I woke up I was screaming. YUK. One of the few nightmares where I wasn't aware at all that I was only dreaming.

Blast it all!!!

My car is broken down!!! this brings my life and Jessica's to a stand still. Then to complete the family mess Jeanette just found out her unemployment will be stopped as of next week and I won't be in any position to help her. PLUS I got my Stimulus payment finally only to find that the government had taken all but six dollars of it because an ambulance I was in stopped at the Air Force Hospital to be directed to a non-military facility!!!! That little layover cost me three hundred dollars!!!!!
BLAST!!!

Jasmine and Jessica Home :-)

It was a beautiful day. Jasmine surprised everyone and was well enough to be discharged with Jessica today. :-)
We left the hospital around three and picked Jessalynn up a little early and showed her class the new baby. Then we went to Walmart to fill Jess's scripts and get a few last minute baby things. I took Jess and Jasmine home and brought Jessalynn here to play with her friends a couple of hours and then Jeremy and I took her home and had a nice visit with them. I clipped Jasmine's fingernails for Jess and gave Jessalynn her bath and put her to bed. It was a sweet feelng over there.
Meezie has also surprised all of us by being really good through all of this. He went into the delivery room with Jessica and was up at the hospital eveyr day and even cleaned the hose before Jessica got home. :-)
There was ice on the windshield when I left home at six this morning to take Jessica some things. Winter is coming!!! It got up to a pleasant sixty degrees today and it looks like that is all we are going to get for a while.
I am glad to be home and ready for a little break after a grueling week. I've been in a lot of pain but already feel a little better tonight. Maybe it is knowing everything is going to be easier for about five weeks until Jeanette is ready to have her baby. I HAVE to be there for her for this one after missing the first two!!!!!!!
Now off to bed. A full day coming tomorrow with getting to the doctor to have my BP checked and get a flu shot, and then getting Jeremy to the Fred Leroy Clinic to have his BP checked and maybe get a change to his seizure medication. He has been having seizures lately even though his Tegretol levels have been high. He will also have to get a flu shot; Jasmine's doctor said for us all to get them. Jessica got hers before leaving the hospital and we a e going to get Jessalynn the nasal spray kind ASAP.
So, Jasmine is home and she and Jessica are doing very well and Jessalynn seems to be taking it all very well and loves her new sister.
A beautiful day. :-)

The Day After Jasmine Born

I wish I had made an entry yesterday when Jasmine came but it was a long frightening day.
Jeremy and I picked up Jessica and Jessalynn a little before seven, and got her there in time to prep for her C-section. We left the hospital when they took her away to re-park the car and air the almost flat tires and when we got back she had already been delivered and Meezie's mother, Tanya, was there looking at Jasmine being weighed etc. through the glass window to the nursery. Jasmine looked chubby, healthy and was a beautiful mix of Jessica and Meezie and we were all oohing and awing, Meezie had gone with Jess for the delivery and was still with Jasmine in the nursery in his scrubs, and when he left the area to go check on Jessica they moved Jasmine towards the back of the nursery and drew a curtain between her and us. We were immediately concerned and asked at the desk if there was a problem and they said that she was just getting a bath and that they would send Meezie out to talk to us soon. Then we saw them wheel an ex-ray machine to the curtained off area and Tanya and I knew something was wrong. Meezie came out and said that they had told him that she has a slight heart murmur but he knew nothing about the ex-rays being taken. We were allowed to go see Jess in her room and were there when they came and said that they wanted to take Jasmine over to the NICU to be monitored until some tests came back on her. Jeremy asked if Jess could see her first so they brought her by the room for a scant few minutes (during which we snapped some pictures of Jess holding her) and whisked her off to the NICU. Hours later I wheeled Jess to the NICU to see her and we were told that she had something called PDA and it was explained to us. Jess asked if they expected Jasmine to go home when she did on Thursday and they said a definite NO and Jessica fell apart crying. I stayed with her until midnight and only left then because I had to get Jessalynn home and I looked up PDA after I got here. I read about it until three am learning the questions to ask since they didn't seem to be telling us more than we knew to ask. Jess called several times during the night until she finally fell asleep.
I got up a little late this morning and we had decided to let Jessalynn decide whether to go to school or the hospital today and she wanted to go to see her mom and Jasmine. I had to go see Dr. Gold on the way and fell asleep in the examining room. I don't much remember the check up but he said to continue with PT and get some sleep.
Jess had called before we left and said that Dr. Tibbles had been in and told her that the diagnosis had changed to Infant Pulmonary Hypertension, something that Zoloft is guilty of causing, although they don't seem to know of a set cause. That frightened me since I had come across information about it, too, during my late night reading, but when I got to Clarkson Hospital Jessica told me that Jasmine was out of the incubator and when we went down to visit her they said that she had taken an ounce of formula without her oxygen level dropping and that we could hold her. Incredible news!!!
Jess had a rough day while we were there. Jessalynn was maybe tired and grumpy along with her adjustment issues and Jessica was very stressed out and the visit just didn't go very well. I brought Jessalynn home around four-thirty and took Jeremy to work and Jessalynn was asleep in the car when I got home so I sat in our parking lot and read for an hour or so to let her get some rest.
We came in and Jessalynn took her shower and we are getting her ready for school tomorrow before we go back up to the hospital. She has to go tomorrow because it is picture day and it is just time for her to get back to school!

Sunday Before Jasmine

Jessica called a little bit ago saying she needs to go back to Walmart to exchange something after I take Jenise and Robbie home, which will be a soon as I feed them which will be in about ten minutes.
Finally, we can say that Tomorrow Jasmine will be here. :-)
I woke with a migraine so Jeremy got up with the kids this morning and dressed them and fed them breakfast. Then he went and worked a couple of hours and will return to work at five until closing time.
Jeanette called and said that Michelle had finally stopped fielding Jami's calls for her and gave Jami her number. So maybe the fates have decided that I was correct in wanting to ask Jeanette to take one of her calls!! She said Jami was crying but still blaming me for everything that happened, never able to take responsibility for her actions, and Jeanette told her she should get some mental help for the baby's sake since she was obviously unstable. I know Jami didn't think about how her actions would cut her off from her family or any other consequences when she started in on everyone here that day. She can see nothing but her own rage at those times. And even though life has been much harder for them since leaving here, I doubt she even thinks about how unreasonable she was that day about us "taking advantage of her." Jeanette also told her that I chose not to press charges or anything when Jami said something about me not caring about her. I'm glad that Jami knows that.
I have to feed these guys and get them all ready to go now. Take Jess shopping and try to amuse her some through this nervous day. Maybe get together what I might need at the hospital tomorrow.
See ya.

Grandchildren overnight again

Jeanette finally let me have Jenise and Robbie overnight for the first time since IT happened. :-) I slept until nine and spent the day finishing cleaning and clearing the house, took about a hundred pounds of stuff to Goodwill, and got the kid's room set up cute again, and Jeanette and Rob dropped off Jenise and Robbie around four and Jessalynn got here around six. We had a good time together and I fed them supper and then made them some Rice Crispy treats. Yum.

Yesterday I took Jess for her pre-baby check-up and she passed with flying colors. Her left lung has healed nicely with the new antibiotic and the baby's heartbeat is strong and good. The countdown is getting very close, since it is after midnight, I can say Jasmine will be delivered tomorrow!! We will get to the hospital Monday at 6:30 am and the C-section is scheduled for 8:30 am.

I stopped at Dr. Hay's office Friday and had my blood pressure checked and the doctor doubled my medication and I am to go back in next week sometime and get it checked again.

I took Jeremy to the Fred Leroy clinic Thursday so they could run some tests to determine what kind of arthritis he has. His blood pressure is questionable, too, but the doctor wants to give him a chance to correct it with some diet changes and go back in and have it checked again in a week or so, too. I'm worried that he likely has Rheumatoid Arthritis from what the doctor said about the symptoms of the different kinds of arthritis, but I guess we will know soon when they get the tests back. In the mean time she prescribed a general NSAID arthritis medicine. If he does have Rheumatoid the medication will be so expensive that it will be cheaper to drive to the Indian reservation in Winnebago, where there is a hospital that dispenses free medication to Native Americans, than it would be to fill it at a pharmacy here. I looked up Winnebago and it is just south of Sioux City, not too bad of a drive, and it would be interesting to see the reservation if we do end up having to go there. It's been a long time since we have taken a road trip anyhow.

Jeremy and I have grown closer again and have really been enjoying being together. I have been the problem and decided to fix my attitude and stop taking him so much for granted. He so often has come last in everything for too long with me caring for my girls and their children and I had to stop and remind myself that I would be totally lost without him and not even able to do the things I do for my girls without him. And it is wonderful how he accepted the change in my attitude with simple gratitude and joy instead of recriminations for being so neglectful for so long. It really humbled me to think how patiently he has waited for me to remember to put him first again. I hope I never forget again.

I got an email this morning asking if I want to accept Jami as a friend on Facebook. We are all stunned that she sent the request. I know it is an attempt to reconnect with me, and I have always just let it go and accepted overtures like this after an "incident" in the past, but this time I feel like I have to have at least some acknowledgement of what she did, if not an apology!, instead of just going on like it never happened. In fact, I think maybe I should have never done that before and set such a ludicrous precident. I didn't deny the request but I didn't respond either.

I received a short, sweet, letter from Lindsey Thursday. I got her a new bra tonight at Walmart because she asked for some new ones. If this one fits her then I wil get her more. She is upset that her mother and I aren't together anymore and I am so sorry that this is effecting her. Everything about what happened is just sad.

My mouse is going bonkers and it is very late so I will stop here. Also, Robbie usualy wakes up around five in the morning although he usually will go back to sleep if I put him in bed between Jeremy and me. :-)

Goodnight.

NOt so lazy...

Ah, my lazy day changed after taking Jeremy to work at four. I set out to clean all of the things Patrick gave us out of his basement, baby things, mostly Kunashe's, and I cleaned the toys and furniture on the patio and organized it nice (we've had one notice from the management to take care of it). I had a bad spell while doing the cleaning, shaky and dizzy. Took my BP, 164 over 115, so I ate a few corn chips and rested a little bit and was OK. I think I am having some low blood sugar problems again. I finished all of that and then went to Jessica's. I rearranged Jessalynn's room to make room for Jasmine's crib and the room looks really cozy and cute. It took me over an hour just to put the crib together!!! I finished cleaning Jessalynn's room and did her laundry and was done at eleven thirty, in time to pick up Jeremy from work.
I am soooo sore and tired and will be sore tomorrow but it was worth it to finally get all of that done!!!
Now, to bed.

Jess back to ER

Yesterday when I got to Jessica's she was trying to get Jessalynn ready for school and crying because she was in so much pain. Jess almost never cries from pain!!! I took Jessalynn to school, canceled Jeremy's dentist appointment, and took Jess to the ER. This time I stayed with her to make sure they did something besides tell her to take tylenol and use a hot pack.
They sent her up to OB and her OB team took care of her, running blood tests and doing Ex-rays. The main doctor thought she had pneumonia in her left lung but she didn't although her blood test showed she still has an infection there. He checked her side where the severe pain is and said she had cracked a rib coughing. I kept saying that she needed something for pain besides tylenol and they finally gave her some Hydrocodone and a prescription for it as well as a new antibiotic. We were there almost five hours but this time it was worth it. Plus we got to see the rooms moms go to after they ahve their babies. It was really nice with a jaccuzzi and a long couch that turns into a bed. (for me!!)
When I got to Jessica's this morning she was still asleep but I kept knocking until Jessalynn looked out the window and let me in. I was, thankfully, there early, so I had time to get Jessalynn ready for school. Jess got up as we were leaving and I assured her everything was taken care of and to go back to bed.
It was really cool out this morning so I came home and snuggled back into bed with Jeremy and took a long nap. Lazy day!!! It is still cool but bright and sunny and windy out now. Really a beautiful fall day.