John C.Hunziker

That is the name of Jess's therapist for most of the last year. I've never thought much of him, but I maybe should have thought more about him. Definitely should have tried harder to get Jess to switch doctors. First, her depression and anxiety problems got worse and worse in his care. And she never seemed to feel better after an appointment with him. And he just gave me a bad feeling whenever I spoke to him. He was rude and talks at you instead of to you.
Jess has had a lot of problems with keeping the many appointments he demands she make. She and I tried to explain to him many times that it was difficult to meet these demands because she ash two young children and we have three families sharing one vehicle which often makes scheduling things a matter of priority. Hunziker would hear no excuse when we would try to reschedule always pushing and threatening Jess if she tried to reschedule for any reason. Yes. Constant threats to have her committed if she didn't see him and make him money. Little wonder her anxiety problems only became worse under his care. He admits she got worse but of course he doesn't believe it has anything to do with his own qualifications or lack thereof.
Then yesterday he let her know he means business about missing appointments. She has been very sick with a nasty virus and. missed an appointment without calling so he trotted his happy butt downtown and filed a petition to have her committed although she is not a threat to herself or any one else. Jess was in the shower when six police officers entered her home and pounded on the bathroom door demanding she come out even if all she had to put on was a towel. She was taken directly to the County Psych Hospital and placed in intensive care. Se called me as soon as she was able to have me visit her.
We spoke together to the doctor on duty and were able to ask him questions about what Hunziker had done. He admitted that missing appointments was not a reason to commit anyone and that Hunziker was going to have to present a real reason for them to be able to keep Jess locked up. Jess told him that she had seen her psychiatrist very recently who had said he thought she was doing well so he called her shrink who verified what she'd said but the doctor said that he would have to speak to the committing doctor before he could release Jess. After an hour he said that I would have to leave, they hadn't been able to contact Hunziker so Jess was going to have to spend the night there but he promised that he would have her moved out of Intensive Care to a more comfortable part of the hospital.
Jess did find out that Hunziker had tried to give reasons besides her missing appointments for committing her. He brought up three things Jess had gone through, all of which occurred at least over a month ago, and she recovered from them, dealt with them better than many would have. The question there is that if these things had him so concerned for her safety, why did he not recommend she be locked up WHEN these things were going on??? This man is a psychological social worker not even listed with the AMA and Jess was referred to him by a REAL psychiatrist who Hunziker didn't even consult before making this drastic decision for Jess.
It is the morning after. Jess is still locked in County and we are trying to free her from this injustice.
Jess voluntarily went to Hunziker seeking help. She was in no way court ordered or anything like that to see him. She should have been able to quit him at any time but has been held with him through threats even though he himself admitted he was of no help to her. He is boorish and rude and nothing will ever convince me that he was in any way trying to help Jess with the way he has behaved toward her from the very beginning.
I would like nothing more than to see this man lose his license to practice. How many others will never seek help again after experiencing his "care"???

Thanksgiving Eve

I'm starting the prep-work for TG dinner. Jeanette is making a turkey and most of the side dishes for the dinner at her house. I am making the ham and candied yams for the dinner at her house and also a complete dinner to take to Jessica's. I didn't tell Jeanette we are making diner at Jess's, too, but she doesn't want to know anything about Jess anyhow. I hoped they would patch things up by tomorrow but it isn't going to happen. It may never happen and that breaks my heart to think about. Their last words were so bitter and cruel. I don't take sides with one against the other or talk about them to each other. i just pray they will love each other as they should someday. I see both sides, maybe I understand Jess's feelings better but Jeanette's feelings are just as valid even if a little foreign to me.
I think about when I am no longer here and how I hope my girls will have each other then. I think about how alone I am in the world since Mike poisoned every single relative I have with his lies and paranoia. Uncle Paul has emailed me a few times since then but I know he really believes the things Mike says, too, mostly because he isn't close enough to Mike to see how ridiculous he is. I take comfort in all the things Mom said to me about what Mike had done before she died and the things he planned to do to me after and know she would have stood by me if she had lived and been able to. All of it and other things from that time in my life is why I can understand Jess's feelings of betrayal right now. I always thought and taught my children that family comes first. That you never turn against your own for anything. I felt secure in having lived my life by this theme and all I had always done to stay close to family from when I was very young and started writing letters to close and distant relatives. Mike used to call me and ask me to call Mom or Aunt Bonnie for him so he could find out how they were without having to get involved in their lives which should have been a big clue that he and i had very little in common about love for family. He feels obligation, more like he does and says what he feels he needs to for family to have a little self respect and to be able to tell others how wonderful he is to his family, but he doesn't feel the love. I do. I want my girls to, too, even if it leaves them as hurt as I was after I lost my whole family, but hoping it doesn't end that way for them. Maybe I am just dreaming there. Maybe I have ideas of family that are extinct. But i refuse to be that way myself with my family and I will fight for them to have the same antique feelings that I do. How do we lose the loyalty and closeness that should be gendered by "family" without losing God??? i don't know. Mike claims to be a very pious man but never had any love or respect for either of our parents or our brother. Or me now. He feels very righteous about these things, that we were all people who were unworthy of his love or even the love of whatever god he claims to worship that he thinks smiles on his sickness. He convinces himself that everyone else is just insane and he is the tortured soul that had to cast his family out to save himself and it steadily make him more and more unbalanced. I would hate more than anything for my girls to be any thing like him in these respects. I want them to know that they are blessed with each other and that they are their sister's keepers of heart. Jami comes the closest to understanding this. I just keep loving them more and more hoping to show them how to love each other by how I love them. I teach the grandchildren how they will all be responsible for each others hearts for the rest of their lives.
I pray for a world that remembers these things.

Monday Before thanksgiving

I did go back to the doctor yesterday and he gave me another shot in the butt and a different antibiotic. I'm feeling a little better, coughing up less green stuff. I woke up with terrible tooth pain lat night but didn't get a chance to see anyone today, hopefully I will get into Emergency Dental tomorrow and they can over charge me fir a root canal.
Kira's guardian ad lidem called today to check on us. She asked bout Kira spending so much time here while they were at Family Works and a lot of other questions. They aren't very happy with the progress Kirk and Jami have made in the last year and she said something about how they usually give parents 15 months to get it together and be able to have their kids or "other arrangements" have to be made for Kira. I said that I thought they were sincere in wanting Kira back but couldn't say much in their defense for the things they haven't done especially since I really don't understand it. I think they want the right things but the reality of doing what they have to doesn't really hit them. Or maybe the necessity of it. Jami still rages over what seems unfair and I try to tell her that "fair" isn't in question, it is simply do what they say or lose Kira.
Jenise is very sick. Very stuffy and running a fever. Nett took her to the doctor today and they put her on an antibiotic but didn't way what is wrong other than that it isn't strep. Jaz has needed a couple of breathing treatments since waking up choking last night and her cheeks are red but she doesn't have a temp and is playing like she feel fine most of the time.
It is crazier and crazier with all the kids here so much and our apartment is getting trashed pretty badly. I need to get a couple of gallons of paint and scrub and paint the walls where the babies have drawn on them and other things have decorated them. Robby broke the new blinds in the kids room today and I have no idea when or how we will be able to replace them.
I used Jeremy's bank card at the store the other day for a $3 purchase and they charged his card $83. I caught it by chance, bored and calling the bank to check his balance. I lost the receipt but they still fixed it today. Good thing. That is all the money we have until I don't know when.

Ugh

I feel like crap. Maybe the antibiotics, maybe the antibiotics not working, I'll go back to the doctor tomorrow.
Lindsey has sent me a couple of messages asking me to call her so last night I did and John got on the phone. He shares my brother's title of Pompous Ass, almost steals it from him. It is even worse coming from John. He asked why I was calling Lindsey and then said that I was not allowed to have phone contact with her but if I would like to write to her and establish a credible relationship with her I might be able to speak to her some day.
I just wrote and deleted a lot about this. No need for it to be said again now. It is all in records that can be found. I'm not even that upset about it really, I didn't expect any better from John.
We're having a pretty quiet day here. Just us and Kira this morning, then Robby and Riley came this afternoon and Jaz got dropped off a little while ago. I guess that doesn't sound too quiet, but there haven't been any catastrophes or bank robberies today. Jenise is with her mom on their way here and Jessalynn is at Girl Scouts.
Cheri called today. I miss seeing her but she wouldn't stop by when I told her that Kira and I have been sick. She can't afford to get sick with her job and I can't seem to get everyone well at the same time.

Never A dull Moment

Jami and Kirk have been staying in a nice trailer in the back yard of Kirk's friend who lives near here, David. David has a brother who lives next door, Derrick, who is actually closer to Kirk. The brothers have an electrician company with their father that has been in trouble since the economy went sooo bad but it is obvious from their homes that they were once quite prosperous. Now they are running off generators because they owe OPPD and I don't think they have gas wither. Last night Jami and Kirk went to a Mom's Off Meth meeting together and when they tried to go home the houses were surrounded by police, swat teams, and channel 7 news. They called me here and we found out that Derrick had robbed a bank, saying he had a bomb in the drive through. He got awaya with less than $2000 according to the news and is still At Large. Jami and Kirk were nervous about going back to the trailer but eventually did since they can't be here with Kira. I can't imagine Derrick robbing a bank but I know he has been very depressed and also I heard that his girl broke up with him yesterday. I assume he was drunk, he has been drinking a lot, and likely woke up somewhere today thinking What the hell did I do?????
I went to get Jaz's WIC checks this morning and saw an Urgent Care place behind the office so I stopped in there to see if I could get some antibiotics for a sinus infection. It turned out I am even sicker than I know. I told the doctor there is no way I can be admitted to a hospital with Kira so he gave me a shot of steroids in the butt and gave me an albuterol treatment and a couple of prescriptions and told me to see him again to be evaluated in three days. No wonder I feel so bad lately!!!!! A sinus infection with pneumonia is kicking my butt.

Friday Evening

Jeremy is gone with Jeanette to her old house to try to get the last of her things. this is supposed to be the last day to go there, the landlord is wanting the keys, so hopefully they can get everything Jeanette wants. Then Jeremy and Kirk are supposed to start moving her things out storage here into her apartment so she can start getting it set up for them. Nett is so rattled trying to do everything being so sick. Untreated Graves Disease is a real booger to live with until they fix it. She had all her tests to prove it is Graves done yesterday but I'm not sure when they will get around to radiating her thyroid.
Babyproofing is a much studied science here. Three two and almost tow year olds can thwart almost any ideas we come up with. We finally have the bathroom so they can't open the door, used those donut looking knob covers, but that still only works if everyone remembers to close the bathroom door. And it is a pain in the butt for the rest of us to get into the rooms with the covers on the knobs. I put surgical gloves over the knobs under the covers which helps but it is still hard for the big kids to get in the bathroom.
Rob has contacted Nett a few times. He seems to just go back and forth between saying he is sorry for everything and that everything is Nett's fault, a bit of a contradiction!!! He doesn't really believe Nett is serious about divorcing him yet even though he got a copy of the protection order. He sends her very bad poetry that just makes her want to barf and she just keeps telling him it is over. He spent most of their marriage in the basement getting high and drunk and playing with his toys but now he misses them . Seems like if maybe he noticed them when he had them this wouldn't be happening. I must say that, even with all the chaos of staying crammed in this apartment with me Jeremy and me, Jeanette seems a lot happier than I have seen her during her marriage.
Jami s pretty miserable with her situation but I can't sympathize with her since she made her own situation that she is living and , despite her denials, I very much believe she already using again and complaining that the courts are going to make a her begin and complete a drug program since she bailed on FW. Se tells me every day how she misses Kira now but that wasn't her main thought when she walked out on FW where she had Kira living with her. Not only does she have what very much looks lie a needle hope in her neck but she was also seen in Council Bluffs yesterday and I don't think it was to visit her father or anything legitimate. She is always fighting with Kirk lately again miserable but there is nothing I can do for her if I wanted to. If I had the time to!!! Her timing on this was terrible for everyone and the only thing I could do at all was to take Kira in and force Jeanette out so I could have Kira back here. That was a shame for many reasons, Nett isn't ready to be on her own and I have just had too little time with her since she got with Rob when she was only 14. There are so many little things I always wanted to share with Jeanette that I want to teach her now. I still will, she will be very close and I will be helping her be a single mom with three kids. But I hoped she would be able to live with me at least a month even though it is cramped with all of us here. A lot of the damage done to Jeanette's thinking while with Rob needs to be undone and taught correct. The first years she spent with him she assumed he was smarter than her and listened to him about every little thing. She has known that he is full of shit for some time but still needs to learn the real things about life that a mom can teach.
Just had to stop and clean up another mess the babies made and I have to figure out what to feed this troop. That is another thing about Nett, her kids need to learn to eat real food before they are just like their father. someone must have scared Rob in the cradle with a vegetable and I see Robby acting the same. Jenise is a little better but she had a very hard time she she started school trying to eat like other kids.
OK. Gotta get back to this.

Chaos

Jeanette rented an apartment here today. We have to get our apartment emptied and ready for a KVC inspection. I can't believe they didn't show up today but I know they will be here tomorrow. Jami was officially terminated at Family Works this morning and I have no clue what she is planning. She will have to complete a drug program somewhere to get Kira back, likely in patient at this point.
We are passing around a terrible stomach virus. I was very sick for the last few days and the kids have been sick, too. I took Jessalynn home last night and Jess called me a little later saying Jessalynn was feeling sick and wanted me to come get her. Jeremy picked her up and I laid with her until she started throwing up, which made her feel better. Poor Jeremy slept on the couch and I had Jessalynn and Jaz in bed with me.
Now we have to get Nett moved into her place and then put our apartment back together. We put a lot of our things into storage to make room for Nett and her kids. I wanted her to stay with us at least a month to save a little more money before renting a place but the thing with Kira forced her to do it right away and now we're scrambling to get everything done.
Chaos.

Saturday Afternoon

Jeremy and Jeanette have gone with a truck to move her large things into storage. I gave the babies baths and did their hair. The big kids are playing outside, it is actually pretty nice out still. We are all working on organizing our coexistence in this apartment. It is nice having Jeanette with me even with the circumstances, I have missed so much with her. The kids are having a hard time, especially Jenise. She is such a tender little thing like her mother. It would help if Rob were on the right page with this and would work in her best interest. Hopefully he will catch on in time but for now he has forced Jeanette to exclude him from the kids lives. He is a very self centered man, can't even put his kids first, and he's not very bright which doesn't help either. He persists in trying to tell the kids that Mommy is bad and this is all her fault. He can't or doesn't want to see how harmful that is for the children's fragile feelings. I despise him but I would never bad mouth him to his children because they love him and because they know they are a part of him. Last night when Jenise asked why her Daddy broke his promise to see her I told her that sometimes people love you so much that they will promise they will do the things they wish they could and that they don't mean to hurt your feelings if they can't keep that promise for any reason. I think how very young Jim and I were when we split and am proud that neither of us ever tried to hurt Jami in any way to get back at each other. It doesn't seem hard at all to me for parents to figure this out if Jim and I could do it as teenagers.
I took Jeanette to an endocrinologist last week and the testing and then treatment for her Grave's Disease is started. She had the bloodwork to test for Graves and next week she will have the thyroid scan and then hopefully soon she will go through the radiation treatment. The doctor, who I think is good, put her on a heart medication to help her feel better while they go through all the required motions to get her treated. She is very, very, ill. She is skin and bones and always sweating and has a very hard time concentrating with her body going 500 mph right now. she is run down and worn out with the separation but still happier than she was married and living with Rob all these years. She and Jess see each other and talk a lot now and that makes my heart feel good. I do all I can to make things easier for her and help her through this. I don't know how she is holding up except that she is like me and just does whatever has to be done no matter what.
We are so broke it is frightening but I know we will work it all out. Jeremy losing his job right before the blow up is a terrible thing, not just financially, but for Jeremy's feelings, too. He doesn't feel right not working and would like to search more for work but we need him for so much else right now he hasn't had much chance to job hunt. I think this weekend will be our last chance to get Nett's things out of her old home so maybe we can get on a routine of some kind here.
Of course, the van is acting up again and I worry every day that it will be the last day we have it running. My atty called about a week ago and said that I would be getting my settlement on that wreck any time now but I have no idea what it will be. I try not to get my hopes up but I do hope it is enough to get us a vehicle that runs.
We got a letter from the DMV saying Jeremy has to pay $25.,000 for that cop car that hit him and we are frantically looking for the letter we got shortly after that wreck saying no one was considered at fault.
Jess is holding up well through all of this but I do worry when she might break from the stress, too. What Rob did to her is just unimaginable. I can better understand his father attacking Jeremy than Rob attacking Jessica and Jeremy in no way deserved to be attacked by that trailer trash family. Rob lies through his teeth still tyring to convince Nett that Jeremy attacked Bob even though Jeanette kept telling Rob she SAW it happen. But I have never known he or his family to set any stock in honesty or being honorable. I have hated seeing Jeanette act like them while with them for the last 14 years.
OK. Looks like Jeremy is back.

Almost Lost Kira

I was at the courthouse with Jeanette helping her file a restraining order against Rob when Kirk called and said Jami had left him a message saying she had walked out of Family Works. Fortunately, I already had Kira. Jami had called Wednesday night wanting me to go pick up Kira because she was planning on leaving FW. She was very upset, has been upset at FW for a while, but I told her that I couldn't get Kira then and that it would be best if she stayed where she was, safe with Kira, at least for the night. the next day KVC brought Kira here to visit Kirk and Jami asked them to leave Kira with me. FW knew Kira was with me but they still called the police and reported Kira missing when Jami left. Before I got home from the courthouse Kirk called and said that the police were searching the place he lives looking for Kira already. I was rushing home while on the phone with the new KVC case manager, Tad, trying to put out the fire. Tad said he would call DHS and I tried to call Kira's guardian ad lidem who wasn't in but her supervisor was and he started trying to stop the police orders to find Kira and put her in foster care. He couldn't find the papers that I was told they had saying that I would get Kira back if something like this happened. Without that document the police would have to take Kira. I got a call a little later from DHS saying that the police said they and come to my address and that a woman living at this address told them that I didn't live here but somehow also said that I had a bunch of people living with me and that I had gone to the courthouse but that I didn't have Kira. None of that made any sense. the police did NOT come here but I do have Nett and her kids living here and I was at the courthouse, something no one but Jeremy, Kirk, Jeanette and I knew. Now there was another fear of me not getting to keep Kira if someone made a stink about Nett and the kids being here. The woman from DHS seemed to finally believe the things I was saying, it wasn't hard to check that I still live here since KVC had brought Kira to me here the day before. She said that she would talk to the police again and to expect that the police or someone from DHS or someone from KVC would be showing up eventually. No one ever came yet. Jami finally called around dark and said that she was with the mother of a graduate from FW and that she was sitting at the Burger King up the road. She told me that she was planning to go stay with this woman in Bennington but ended up spending the night with Kirk at his friend's house where he stays.
Kirk called this morning nd said that Jami did go to Bennington this morning and that she does plan to return to FW before her time limit, they called me late yesterday and said that she could return within 48 hours, no harm, no foul.
know Jami s mentally ill in many ways, that the drugs weren't the whole problem. I wish she could be in a place that could help her with her mental illness more. I know FW tries in their way but I hear from everyone that FW is only another government funded sham of a place for helping people, that their funding is their biggest concern. Most of their guidelines and rules are kept or broken according to how it will effect their funding. Drug court is a joke. It is all a bad joke in so many ways. But FW is a temporary safe house for women with children, that much I believe. They are housed and watched over enough to keep them safer than they were on the streets doing drugs. The women can use it for the intended purpose if they choose or they can go through the motions of reform and go back to their old lives. No institution has been created that can really do much more than that.

Family Feud

We have had on hell of a week. Have I written in here that Jeanette told Rob she wants a divorce and hs been trying to get him to move out???? Wellllll, Nett was hanging out in the parking lot where she works talking to Pat and goofing off after work Thursday night and Rob's little sister, Sara, was in the parking lot across the street spying. Rob moved Sara in with them last month because her parents threw her out because they found out she is gay. (She's 19, dropped out of college to join Rob in being a alcoholic pot head.) Sara called Jeanette and told her she caught her and was going to go to their house to tell Rob. Jeremy and I got there right before Sara, and Jeremy went and banged on the basement door to try to get Rob up and talk to him first but Rob was passed out in there. Sara arrived and I met her in the kitchen and said I wanted to talk to her and she turned and went through the door to downstairs and slammed it in my face. I yanked it open and called her a little bitch adn told her to never do that again. She called her mother, Rob's step mother, Tracy, who showed up shortly but didn't say a word to me, both of them are scared of me, not sure why, but I'll take that if it helps. I told them to get Sara's things out and they went down and banged on rob's hideyhole door screaming it was an emergency until he answered it and they burst in and told him that Nett was having an affair. Rob started screaming and breaking things and Jeremy went down there and tried to calm him and to tell him that Sara was lying about what she saw, and she was, having assumed and elaborated a LOT. At first Tracy said that they would all leave and take Rob with them "even if we have to call his father", which is supposed to be a BIG threat because his dad, Bob, is supposedly a badass and Rob and they are terrified of him. Jeremy and I decided to stay, couldn't leave Nett there with all the times Rob has said he would kill her over much less, so we decided to stay the night. Tracy and Sara took a lot of Sara's things and left and we stayed upstairs with Nett and the sleeping kids listening to Rob scream, yell, and bang things around in the basement all night. Jeremy kept going down there to make sure Rob was OK and try to calm him, sometimes succeeding for brief periods of time. Friday morning we got the kids up for school and I left to get Jessalynn and while I wasa gone Rob came upstairs and told Jenise and Robby that they would never see him again because Mommy is bad and got them crying and freaking out with Jeremy trying to talk him into shutting the hell up. Nett got the kids calm and to schoool warning their teachers what happened, they did both have a good day at school distracted with Halloween parties nad candy. Sara returned in the morning and went down in the basement with Rob and after seeing her leave and come back with food and drink we figured out Rob wasn't planning to move out figuring Nett had no where to go. He didn't have the rent for their house anyhow having blown it on dope and all the BS he always blows money on and after talking to Nett about their financial situation I told her there was no way she could keep the house either even if it was safe to stay with Rob being able to return if he ever left. I told Jeanette she and the kids could have my apartment and Jeremy and I would move in with Jess or think of something. We started packing Nett and the kids and I had to go get kids from school. I was going to get Kirk to help load but was nervous that things could go bad and didn't want him involved and then Jessica offered to go stay at the house with Jeremy and help guard Jeanette especially since two of those in Rob's camp were female and might attack Nett. I picked up the kids from school and all at once Jess, Nett, and Jeremy were calling me all at once. Rob had gone upstairs to call Nett some choice names and Jess said something smart ass, think it was, Are you out of booze in your cave? and Sara and Tracy called Big Bad Daddy Bob. Bob came skidding up to the house and Jeremy was loading the van and Bob rushed Jeremy knocking him over. Jess ran and shoved Bob off Jeremy, she didn't really need to save Jeremy but, well, she didn't know how well Jeremy can take care of himself, and Jeremy proceeded to pound Big Bad Bob. Rob ran over and jumped Jessica picking her up and throwing her across the yard so far and hard she had grass stains down her back ( she is hurt pretty badly) and then Rob ran and started pulling her hair but she popped back and grabbed his hair and started popping him in the face. Bob told Jeremy he had enough and Jeremy let him up right away and got between Rob and Jess, funny Rob didn't try to fight with Jeremy, and the police were called. I wanted to take the kids to Kirk but Jeremy called again and said things were going bad, the police were about to arrest him and Jess instead of Rob and Bob, so I headed there. When I got there Rob and his family were standing up by the house, Bob was pouring blood, and the police had Jeanette, Jessica, and Jeremy sitting on the kirb in the street. When I pulled up they all started telling me what the police were saying, which was soooo wrong, and one officer interrupted them and said, Mam, you can't know what has gone on here, we know what we are doing. I said I knew more than them, that I had been there for the last 24 hours watching this build and that there was no voilence until Bob showed up. The cop said that Rob's friends and his family swore Jeremy jumped Bob and that Jess deserved what Rob did because she had had words with him before they called Bob. I was stunned. I told him that I knew, and every real man, and I assumed every cop, who I knew, knew that no man has the right to put his hands on a woman especially especially just for something she said and I asked when the assault rules had changed. He said Well, if I arrest Rob and Bob then I will arrest everyone here and he told me to leave. I left and took the kids to Kirk and went back to Nett's. The police and everyone except bleeding Bob were still there but by then the cops had figured out that Rob is nuts and they were being decent to my family even though they weren't changing their stand about the fight. The cops stayed parked out front a long time while we packed and loaded Nett in the vans and Robs mom and sis loaded his stuff. Rob tried to talk to me at one point, stupid man, saying he never wanted me to think badly of him, and I was still very pissed and said I could never even like him again and told him he was a punk to attack a little girl and why didn't he step up to fight a grown woman. He said he only did it because he thought his dad was in danger and I asked why he didn't attack the real threat, Jeremy? Then his Mom said, come on Rob, we can't reason with her, and I used a lot of self control and let that go and walked away. I had to concentrate on Nett who is so sick she can hardly stand and weighs about 100 pounds right now. She maybe should have thought before hanging out in front of where she works with Patrick even though they were just talking, not that there was any way she could know she was being followed and spied on, but she has't had a clear thought since her thyroid got so out of whack so I jsut feel very sorry for her.
I rented a garage to store Jeanette's furniture and stuff and our stuff to make more room in this tiny apartment.
Oh God. there is actually a LOT more drama but I will spare you. I will likely write a story about this in one of my websites, definitely going to slam Omaha's finest over their "help". I am very proud of Jeremy in this. Rob slammed him around a lot when Jeremy was going to the basement to try to calm him all night and Jeremy let him because he knew Rob was distraught and not right in the head, and drunk as a skunk, and I am proud of him for letting Big Bad Biker Bob up right away when he told Jeremy he had enough. bob's face looked like mince meat when I got there so he took a lot before he had the sense to give up. Jeremy didn't even get hit after the first rush. I am proud of Jess for trying to protect Jeremy even though she actually made it worse for him because he was fighting Bob and trying to pull Rob off her.
Now I have to prepare to take the kids trick or treating and make it fun.
I'll be back with the aftermath and unbelievable details.

The Caridiologist

I've been wearing a heart monitor since I was hospitalized Labor Day weekend because I have had problems since running a 104 temp. Today i saw the cardiologist to hear what he had to say about the heart readings I have been transmitting to them. He says that the fever I had was a virus that attacked my heart and damaged the lower chamber. He knows that much from the records from my hospital stay and the monitor I wore. I have to have a series of other tests so he can figure out how to fix the problem starting tomorrow and he said that maybe it could be controlled with a medications or, worst case scenario, a heart transplant, but that I am in good health otherwise so the outlook is good and no need to panic.... Really, the "episodes" aren't painful, just uncomfortable, and I'm sure I will get through this.
I'm going to drop my Broadband service for a while, I don't have a decent PC right now and have internet access on my phone although I can't seem to access this site from the phone. I'll have to find a blogsite that I can get to and move this or something.....
Jess has been disillusioned about her father lately, she can be a bit slow about some things, but it is good in the long run that she understand what a pitiful human he is and just stop expecting anything from him. I tell them to pity him that he has never really loved anyone and has no clue what it feels like to love anyone nor any appreciation for those who are unfortunate enough to love him. That has to be a no-life life. I would feel terrible that I wasted so many years with him but I don't see it that way because I realized how small a part he really played in our 22 years together. If someone asks about my X I immediately think of Jim, it is like Clown Shoes never happened . Jeanette told me the other day that she has at times since she was little been jealous of Jami having Jim for a father!! I told her that Jim wishes they were all his, too, and loves them all, and he does. He has his problems, but loving the kids has never been one of them. I have a lot of respect for Jim and really enjoy the relationship we have now and I love that he has Teresa and I have Jeremy and we all get along, one big happy family that takes care of each other however we can as it should be.
OK. I'm outa here.

Jaz is Two!!!!

Yesterday was Jaz's birthday but we are having her party this Saturday. Meez came last night and brought her a bunch of cool presents and he says he will come Saturday, too.I got screwed nd not even kissed by the people who handle claims American Family, Steve Deleanass, to be specific. The wrecker roadside assistance sent last time the van broke down hit the back of the van with the wrecker but they deny it even though a woman heard the crash and ran outside and accused the man. The wrecker company says that she is the one who hit the van and that she blamed them and that they didn't even load the van from behind anyway, that they never do. They picked it up from the rear that time and the time before as well. When I pointed out this lie to Steve Deleanass he accused ME pf lying!!!!!!!! I am changing insurance companies ASAP, getting quotes now, but that doesn't fix the van, poor thing.
My cell phone fell out the van window and got run over last week so I had to get a new phone.

I think the first day of fall was sometime last week. I had to give up Broadband for a while, I wouldn't have it back yet but Cricket sent me one of those Come back and get first month free fliers so I have it back for a month, maybe more.
We've spent most of the last three weeks with the van out of commission. the half shaft broke when Jeremy was driving it home from work one day. Patrick came and looked at it and said to tow it to his house and he would fix it. Once he got it there his neighbor, Pirate, looked at it and said that the shaft had broken because all three motor mounts were broken. We gave Pat $140. to do the half shaft and $220 to pirate to replace the motor mounts and it took them a week to get it done because Garcia tires had tightened the lug nuts too tight when they put tires on it last month and they ended up having to to drill them out. I picked up the van on a Friday and Monday I was driving Jess home and there was a terrible noise in the front end. I crept home with it and called Patrick who came and said the half shaft had broken again and to tow it back to his house. I was afraid to even call him because I knew how sick he was of working on it but he was a great sport about it. When he got it home he and Pirate looked at it and didn't see any reason the half shaft would have broken again so they concluded that the shaft they got must have been defective and they warrantied getting another one. Pat picked me up to get the van a few days later. I had Jessalynn with me and we got about a mile from Patrick's and the damn thing broke again. I tried to limp it back to Pat's but there was no driving it this time. I couldn't find my phone but a man was out on his porch by where we broke down and he let me use his phone but I couldn't remember anyone's number except my own. One of the crimes of Speed Dial. I wasn't sure where I left my phone but I kept calling it and after almost an hour Patrick answered it!!! He said it was in his car and he wouldn't have heard it but someone stopped by to see him and he heard the phone when he stepped out to talk to them. He took us home to wait for the new diagnosis. It rained the next night but the next he and Pirate got out there and looked and saw that the main new motor mount was broken again. It is supposed that it broke before the last time the shaft broke but they didn't look for that since they were new. The auto parts wouldn't warranty the shaft again but they did at least warranty the mount, another $70. for the shaft, and Pat had it done in that night. It feels OK, made it home and have used it to take Jessalynn to school and Jeremy to work, but it is WAY out of line from all the work but I have no clue how we will pay for it after all we have paid to get it fixed and fixed and fixed, somewhere over $500.
We had all kinds of plans for Labor Day weekend, Rocky Horror was showing and there was Septemberfest, but I had been running a high fever for four days by Friday and I was still trying to get ready to go to Rocky Horror when my heart started skipping beats and feeling pretty uncomfortable. tried to ignore it but it kept on so Jeremy insisted we go to the ER instead of RH and they ended up admitting me for the weekend. Of course Jeremy stayed at the hospital the whole time with me making them wheel a roll-away bed in for him, I had a private room. I was supposed to pick up a heart monitor to wear after I got out but then the van started its antics and I still haven't picked it up. Jaz has been with me and sick since I got the van, well, she has been here way before she got sick, but I can't get to the fifth floor at the Med Center with her with me unless I get the single stroller from Jeanette. On my list of things to do....
Jeanette and Rob moved into a house on NJ. 45th last weekend. It is less expensive than where they were, where they were several months behind on the rent, and I think it is a nicer house, too. Jenise transferred from Benson West to Fontenelle whee Robby is in pre-K a week before they moved. Nett had problems with BW and I'm not thrilled at the switch, not sure if Nici is either, but it is done for now.
Jami is still at FW with Kira and could be released from there in the next month if she has a plan for where to live and how to take care of Kira. I am not sure how I feel about it. I don't think she is ready to have Kira on her own yet, her ability to stay drug free hasn't been tested in the Free world at all, but I hope for the best. I nor KVC have anything to say about what goes on with her or Kira since Kira joined her at FW, Judge Johnson makes all of the decisions and sometimes I think he is pretty clueless. Not just my opinion, several official people have voiced similar comments about him and how lenient he is with those assigned to his drug court.

Stormy Night

A BIG storm blew through here this evening with wind gusts of 80 mph. I tried to go out and save my potted zuccini and the wind broke it as I was trying to get to it. Kira was screaming because the wind was blowing things in the door so I gave it up and came in and watched my little garden get battered. Jess lost power as soon as it hit, a lot of Omaha is still without power, but Jess got turned back on about 30 minutes ago. It was over pretty quick leaving Omaha a mess in its wake.
Tomorrow Kira goes to stay with Jami at Family Works. I will still be picking her up during the day until daycare is set up for her there and she will be able to come visit still, too. Jami will get her first four hour pass Saturday, I will pick her up at 8 and return her at noon. I know Jami hates it there but hope that something clicks with her to help her stay off drugs. She could be one of the hardest core addicts they have had to deal with there and I sometimes think they are out of their depth. I don't have any better ideas but I'm not convinced that they know what they are doing either.
Kira and Jaz are still fighting that bug. Kira also has a hellacious yeast infection in her diaper area that is making her miserable.
We are having a very hot July. Today was miserable in the 90's with the heat index around 115. I did 12 loads of laundry this morning and thought I was going to have another heat stroke. The laundromat was only a few degrees cooler than outside. It feels like Texas...
Time for sleep!

Kira's Transition

Kira has been spending more and more time with Jami at Family Works and will be joining Jami there full time maybe tonight. She is spending the night there and I am picking her up in the mornings until her day care is set up. Jami has been having a bit of a tough time with her. Kira doesn't sleep through the night there and wakes crying often. That should get better with time. Kira has always slept the night through here, she just isn't used to being there yet.
both Kira and Jaz are sick. I got Jeanette's kids last week and Riley was pretty sick when he got here. He went home the next day and the big kids stayed a few days. Kira and Jaz woke with runny noses two days after Riley was here. Kira still only has a cold but Jaz is having a tough time like she always does because of her asthma. We have it under control for now but still monitor her very closely.
Jessalynn went camping at Two Rivers over the weekend with Alexis's family and seems to have had a good time even though they got rained out the last night. Jess and I both worried about her being at the river with all the recent flooding but she made it home safe and sunburned.
Every thing is hard for me. I am in so much pan every day now I am afraid of what the future has for me. I asked Dr. Gold if maybe I should be tested or exrayed or something to see if there is anything new that is wrong or that can be done for me but he didn't even answer me. My eye is still swollen every morning. Not sure if that is normal or not....
All.

Fourth of July

Kirk is out back shooting off bottle rockets with the big kids. Nici and Robby didn't get to go to a firework show so I asked Kirk to come and shoot of what he has.
Jessalynn went to Alexis's house for the fourth so we went to Harrahs without her for the first time since we have been up here. BUT before that we went to the outdoor concert at Memorial Park for the first time. Every other year since we came to Omaha something has come up and we couldn't go. This year Kansas, Styx, and Foreigner were playing and the city expected to top the record 40,000 people who attended. 80,000 people showed up!!!! We got there late because Jeremy had to work. People were parking about a mile away by the time we got there. I dropped Jeremy off, Kansas had already played but he got there right as Styx was starting. I took Kira home for most of the concert and went back to get him but I couldn't get near the place to get him. Dodge street was closed off by then so I parked and we walked to the park texting Jeremy to meet up with him. He'd gotten pretty close to the stage, of course, and it was really crazy up there. People were comparing it to Woodstock and it smelled like skunks and there were a lot of drunks and people were body surfing the crowd and everything. The fireworks were awesome, I've never been that close to a big firework show. Leaving the park we got turned around in the crowd somehow and ended up walking a half mile the wrong way, turned around ,and found the van. I thought I wasn't going to make it a few times!! The traffic leaving the park was unbelievable, we wouldn't know that there were 80,000 people there until the next day but it looked like all of Omaha was driving away from Memorial Park.
I could barely walk the next day, my feet were so swollen I felt taller, but the pain is better today.
Jami had Kira for an overnight visit Saturday night. Kira seemed to enjoy herself. Jami called around noon Sunday saying she hurt her back and needed to go to an ER and could I come get Kira early. I told her Jeremy had the van so I couldn't go there before four. They were fine when I got there. Kira seemed to enjoy having the run of the place but Jami did look very tired from running after her.
I got all of the kids today. I'll likely keep all of them except Riley for a few days. Riley would have a meltdown if he was away from home for too long.
I saw Dr. Gold today. I asked if there was anything more that could be done for me and he pretty much said no.
I'm not accepting that.
OK. Out of here.
Peace!

The Big Hep C Scare

One of those things that happen to me. I got a call after I got home from my surgery that the doctor had cut himself while doing my surgery and would I come back in for blood tests. I went back and the next day Dr. Rosman's nurse called and told me that I had tested positive for Hep C antibodies. I asked how that could be, I don't shoot drugs etc. and she said it likely came from the hospital. I arranged to go in for tests to see if I have the building blocks of Hep C building up in my blood, hung up the phone, calmly told Jeremy and was looking for Kira's brush to do her hair and I just lost it, throwing things and kicking the cabinets, lasted about two minutes, and I was fine again. I had the blood drawn last Thursday and I was going to call for the results after taking the girls to school this morning. When I got my phone I noticed I'd missed a half dozen calls from the clinic so I called and was put on hold and I sat there waiting for someone to come on and tell me that life as it was was over. Dr. Rosman herself picked up the phone and she sounded as happy as she made me when she said the tests were negative!!!!!! I swear this was the longest weekend I have ever had to live through!!! And thank all of you who were praying for me, I think He must have heard because I knew my immune system wasn't going to put up a big fight on its own against anything.
I went to Family Works and signed up to be able to visit Jami and got to see her for a little while yesterday. She looks much better, has put on a little weight and is clear eyed. She readily admits to being strung out before going there now and I really hope she will succeed with this program but am worried still. I asked them for a success percentage rate for their program and no one knew it. Today Cheri told me they are too new to have a track record yet. Not the best news. Also, all of the other women there are much, much, younger than Jami and I couldn't shake the feeling that it would be so much better if I had found a program like this for her when it all first started. She is too used to doing whatever she has to do to be free again instead of trying to really get help and I worry that even if she is trying, old habits are very hard to break. Not just the drug habit but the habit of playing to get whatever she wants. This could be her last chance and I pray every minute that it will work but I am prepared to accept it and whatever the consequences are for her if it doesn't help her. She should be able to have Kira there with her by this weekend and that will tell every one more. Cheri is worried about the day care they will put Kira in, she says the kids going there have inch thick incident reports for being injured, hit, bitten, etc. while at that daycare!!!! A lot of this just makes me sick and Cheri is clearly the only one in the system who really cares about what will be best for Jami and Kira in the long run. The "system" remains so flawed it doesn't even deserve to be called a system!! It's just a mess of rules and laws and plans that go no where but spend the government money alloted to them.
Maybe next I will write about what I would do if I had the government funding they spend on problem families....

Four Days After Surgery

Better but still a pain in the eye. I'll be super glad when the healing is over.
Still no word from or about Jami. I hope she is doing well in there. I took a bunch of groceries up there for her when she got there but won't know if she needs more until I can have some contact with her. I think I took two weeks worth but she likely was very hungry. they provide one meal day at FW and expect them to have food stamps in place for the rest. Not sure if Jami has that yet although I know she applied. Cheri will be here today for Kirk's visit so maybe she will know something.
I accidentally stabbed myself in the finger yesterday to the bone. I was stupidly using a knife to try to open a sinus spray, I would have yelled at Jeremy for using a knife in that way! and am paying for it. It hurts like hell!!!!!
I picked up Jessalynn and Jaz last night. I've missed Jessalynn terribly while she was in OK with her father!!! I think she missed me, too, since she called me to come get her. And of course I couldn't get just her or Jaz would have had a fit and we love having both of them. Kira does, too. She gets bored without Jaz and then she is harder to take care of!!!! They are soooo sweet!!!!! I love how they cuddle the most. Jaz hangs on fr dear life and Kira just snuggles down in my lap rubbing her little face on me. I need to get Riley over her as soon as I am a little better. He is starting to love being with Grandma, too, and is a real sweetie himself. He looks soooo much like Robby did!!!
All for now. Trouble makers go to hell!!!!! You know who you are!!!!!
See you all later!!!!

Day After Surgery

It is finally over!!! I had my eye surgery yesterday morning. Waking up after was as bad as I expect and so was having to ride home with Jeremy driving after, but today it feels better than I dared hope it would. I still need a little percocet but I expect Iwon't need it beyond this weekend if that long. And I already don't see double anymore, even with the swelling the eye is open more.
The doctor called after I got home and said that he had cut himself working on my eye and that we both had to have bloodwork done right away. I went back to the hospital for it and he got the results right away, must be a perk of being a doctor because I have to wait days to get bloodwork results!! We are both disease free.
Jami checked into Family Works Monday. Right away they moved her to Campus for Hope for drug detox but she was returned to FW after three days there.
Oh, a note for someone who tried to stir up trouble over this blog between Jami and me. Your ignorance of the best things for Jami has always caused more harm than good and you will never get what you hope for from your useless interference.
Wow, I worded that much nicer than I thought I could.
Now time to sit around and heal.
See you all later!

Long Week

Summer school started Tuesday. I also took the babies and myself to the doctor. We all have bronchitis and a few ear infections, got antibiotics, getting better. Jaz had to be nebulized pretty often at first but is better now, only have to treat her a few times a day.
I got the kids to school late most days this week. I still feel pretty rough and am worried because I have to pass a physical Monday to be able to have my surgery next Friday. I got the paper work in the mail about the eye surgery, wish I hadn't read about it, it sounds like it is going to be horrible, but I'm this close, I am doing it if I pass that physical.
My family is running me ragged. I don't know how to protect myself from it but maybe I need to learn.

We're sick!!!

The babies and I are sick and I am afraid Jeremy and Jessalynn will come down with it, too. Kirk was coming down with something nasty at his last visit and we haven't been around anyone else sick that I know of. My head was spinning when I got up and I would fall if I turned my head too fast. Sore throat, yucky all over bug. I wanted to stay home but Jeanette called and reminded me it was the day to enroll Robby in pre-K so I drug myself out and went and got them. We went to the TAC building, I had called them earlier and they told me we didn't have to have Robby's birth certificate to enroll him, but when we got there they said that he wouldn't be placed in a class until we brought it so we rushed downtown and got it and then to his doctor for his shot records and back to the TAC building and three hours later it was done. I stopped at the store for milk and supper and came home in time for Jeremy to leave for work. He is normally off on Thursdays but is working tonight so he can be off for Robby's birthday party Saturday.
Jaz is already having trouble breathing, have to nebulize her every two hours, sure hope to not have to take her to the hospital this time!!
Kirk got a phone which will help him stay in touch with CPS and me. He said that Jami missed court this morning and then missed a bus she was supposed to be taking to see Carrie in Minnesota today. He sounds a little better, less confused and heartbroken, but I know he is still hoping to work things out with Jami somehow.
Yesterday little Michael, two doors down, puked in their dining room and Donetta is one of those people who absolutely can't take the smell of puke so I went and steam cleaned it with Odoban for them. She was so grateful I felt like a fraud taking all her thanks, it wasn't a big deal for me, sure am used to kids puking!!!!!

My Jeremy

I am very, very, worried about Jeremy. His shoulder is getting to be unbearably painful and his "doctor" at the Native American clinic won't give him anything for pain, not even cortizone shots which might help. Also his back has been hurting him a lot, I do all of the household chores these days, but I don't know how much longer he is going to be able to keep his job like this. I want him to at lest tell them he needs to work at the counter instead of back in the kitchen but he hasn't yet. I talked to him today about maybe getting a house and opening a home day care instead of him working at Popeyes and he looked like he might think ab out that if I could set it up. I am hoping to move to a house soon anyhow. We need a bigger place with a fenced yard for the kids. I think I could get out of the lease here if we can find a house and get the money together to move, deposits, utility transfers, etc.Also, Jeremy is having bad seizures even when he takes his medication. I have to find a way to get him an appointment we can make it to at the Winnebago Hospital where he can see a neurologist for his seizures. We would likely have to make that an overnight trip which is going to cost us, too, but I will find a way to do all of these things.
I will.

US

Caring for you
is selfish
caring for myself
because our souls are linked
though they belong
to someone else.
I breathe for us
and to hold my breath
would only quicken
to happen again
our earthly death.
My heart is not golden
my generosity a scam
I say
Are you OK?
just to see if I AM.

Kira in the Morning

After I take Jessalynn to school Kira is usually the first one to wake up. I go and get her out of her bed at the first whimper and carry her to the couch and sit with her in my lap while she wakes up. She snuggles warm against my chest rubbing her little face against me and I smell the sweet softness of her still so tiny for a 16 month old. After a little while she will look up at me with those big shiny blue eyes and reach up and give me a sloppy kiss to let me know she is ready for our morning games. She likes to turn my head away from her and then I snap my face back towards her and we both say Boo! and giggle. Then she grabs both of my hands and puts them to cover my face and Peek-a-boo starts for a while. Then we play all of our lap time games. She likes to make me make funny noises while she touches my lips and we work on learning the parts of our faces and I get lots of giggles and kisses. Out morning time is usually about thirty minutes and I try to engrave every minute on my heart like I did with all my girls and now all my grandchildren. This morning time together is our favorite time together.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day started with a text from Jami. I had all six kids here so it wasn't much of a break for me or anything but it was kind of nice. Jeremy came home early from work and brought me a Subway and took over the kids so I could take a nap. Jeanette came and got her kids while I was napping and left a bouquet or flowers by me on the bed. I got the most beautiful and mushy card from Jess, I love it! and she sent Jessalynn a card from Padukah, too. Jeremy cooked a steak dinner for supper and I went back to bed stuffed and had the best sleep I have had in ages. Sleep , food, and child care, Jeremy couldn't have done better for me!!!!!

Sick Babies!!!!!!

Jessalynn has been sick since Nett's kids were here and then Kira cried from midnight to 4 am and Jess says Jaz did the same. Their tummies hurt them and now they have the snottiest noses on top of that. jess brought me Jaz today because she is desperate not to get sick, I already have it, and also Jaz is the only one running a hight fever and will likely end up in the ER as usual. Kira at least was playing and smiling today, Jaz is just miserable.
The good news is that I finally found a double stroller on Craig's List for $50. and I already went and got it before someone else did. It is really nice and should make life a little easier with the babies. I should have a triple for when Riley is with us but I couldn't find one of those. But I mostly have the two.

Sick Babies!!!!!!

Jessalynn has been sick since Nett's kids were here and then Kira cried from midnight to 4 am and Jess says Jaz did the same. Their tummies hurt them and now they have the snottiest noses on top of that. jess brought me Jaz today because she is desperate not to get sick, I already have it, and also Jaz is the only one running a hight fever and will likely end up in the ER as usual. Kira at least was playing and smiling today, Jaz is just miserable.
The good news is that I finally found a double stroller on Craig's List for $50. and I already went and got it before someone else did. It is really nice and should make life a little easier with the babies. I should have a triple for when Riley is with us but I couldn't find one of those. But I mostly have the two.

Jeremy and Rhoda Go OUT!

OK, yea, we took two babies with us but we went out to eat for the first time in at least a year!!! We took Kira and Jaz to the Olive Garden and had a really good time. The babies were really good for their first restaurant experience. They made quite a mess but there was no crying or anything but fun with them. We ate too much and the babies left a lot of noodles under the table, we left a big tip for that! Jaz stabbed her breadstick with a crayon and ate it off the crayon. Kira ate her crayon. It felt really good to get out like that.
We also stopped by the liquidation place Jess is working at. I bought some piercing earrings and we looked everything over. They are going to stay another week and we will probably go back and buy a new stereo for the van, ours gave out last week.
Jess gave me a pair of silver spider earrings and a COACH purse last night. She seems to be much much happier working and she is doing very well there. She was promoted already and is getting into her job. It makes me happy to see her happy. :)
Jessalynn went home last night and Jaz today so it is just Kira with us again for a while. She loves having Jaz here but she likes this 1 on 1 time a lot, too, and so do I. I think it is good for us.
Kira's social worker, Linda, stopped by to visit today. She's really a sweet woman and she is happy with Kira's life here.
All.

Saturday Robby Sick

No Robby and Jenise today. Robby has been sick for several days, vomiting and just feeling terrible. So it is just jessalynn and the babies today.
A man called me yesterday asking if I could watch Jess's kids while he took her to work for him in Kentucky. Jess is working for him here right now for $100. a day cooking lunches but he wants her to be his front person, not sure what the business is exactly but Jess says quite a few people travel with him working. I'll have to find out more. Jess isn't sure she wants to do it, this trip would be for 2 weeks and then he wants her to work for him in the fall, too. I don't have a problem watching the kids but I want to check the guy out a little.
Gene called yesterday. Talk about surreal! He doesn't sound the same at all, of course. He says he has thought about me often through the years, surprising since we didn't see each other much at all when we were kids and I doubt he even knew I had puppy love for him. He is going to send me pics of him through the years so I can grow him up in my head. Jeremy is OK with me talking to Gene. I have started searching for Bobby Montfort. I think he deserves whatever dirty trick I can think up for telling me Gene was dead.
The babies are all growing up too fast and I think these could be my last grandchildren unless Jess has another. Kira has learned how to climb out of her crib and playpen although I have never seen her do it and don't know how she does it but I have put her to bed several times only to have her walk into the living room smiling or woke up with her in our bed.
Yesterday Jeremy got up and said he had a bad dream about me losing all memory of him and then dying and he started crying telling me. I'm always surprised at how much he loves me.
Jim says he talked to Jami at Sandy's but I have heard nothing from her.
All.
PS Mikey is a punk.

Zoo with Jessalynn's class

Jeremy, Kira, Jaz and I met Jessalynn's class at the zoo for a field trip today. We met at the Treetop Restaurant at 11 and the class was split into groups between the volunteer parents and we had until 1 to explore the zoo. We only had two girls besides Jessalynn and we went to see the alligators first, the the gorillas, and then it is a bit of a blur of pain. I should have volunteered for a sit down field trip!!! Thank goodness Jeremy came!!! We signed Jessalynn out of class and stayed at the zoo for a couple of hours after the class left. We rode the tram, the train and Skyfari were closed, and we went and saw the elephants and a few other things before I couldn't go any more and we came home. I offered to wait in the van with the babies napping until Jeremy and Jessalynn were done but they were tired, too.
Kira didn't notice much yet except in the Petting Zoo where the goats swarmed their double stroller and both babies pet them and loved it. Jaz surprised me by being more aware of the animals, even the ones behind glass. She was a little scared of the big gorilla that was right by the thick glass but seemed to figure out that they couldn't get to her.
It would have been better if I could have been getting around better. Maybe we should go more often and I would get stronger and last longer although I'm not sure if being stronger is the problem. I am just too beat up. That's as much as I will admit.
We took Jessalynn home and ran a couple of errands for Jess and came home like two old folks, I ache all over and Jeremy had a huge headache when we got here but some Ibuprophen seems to be helping him. I took three of my pain pills, too, and feel a little better but they don't do much for the pain in my poor feet. Gotta get them fixed when I get through with some of the other repairs.
Been talking to Mikey on Facebook. Haven't heard anything from him in so long I was getting worried that there was something wrong but he is the same aging punk as always.
Hope he still peeks in here once in a while!!
All.

Frantic!!!

I don't know what to do about Jami. I am getting frantic calls about her that are all bad. I talked to someone she has known most of her life who didn't recognize her when he ran into her the other day. Said she is skin and bones. Another person sys her face is one big scab from doing meth and picking at the zits. I hear the man she is with has been charged with rape before, is being hunted by the Mexicans on south O, uses both opiates and meth, and I know he has a warrant in Sarpy County for Possession of a Controlled Substance. Her bondsman is calling and actively searching for her and I hear that it will be the saving of her if they find her and lock her up where she will be somewhat safe. She is throwing what life she has left away and there is nothing I can do to save her but pray. I hear she has been up for weeks and is picking fights with people she "has no business" starting fights with. Everyone who cares bout her is terrified for her and they are all the people she is badmouthing and doing wrong. Her father is scared for her life and all she does is talk shit about him being "against" her. She blames me for her not going to court and says I kept the court date from her so she would lose Kira, like I would have to do anything to cause that, she is doing it all by herself, but it gives her her reason to not talk to me... How to save her from herself???
The bondsman. He has to find her for us. Fast.

It is really spring!

It is so nice out I am wanting to get out of the city. I would love to make a trip to the farm but second choice would be to go to one of the lakes close to here.
I took Jaz off of the bottle a few days ago. She was harder to get off it than Kira, maybe because we waited too long with her although I don't think she would have been very easy anytime. She loves her ba ba!!! I am keeping her until she is through the worst of it, maybe she is now, but I still rock her to sleep.
Kira and Jaz give each other kisses, too cute!!! Jaz said her own name today in a sentence, "Jaz poopie"!! I blew bubbles for them today and they both can say "bubbles".
I've been seeing the pee doctor again for infusions. Not much fun but I let things get pretty bad.
I finally heard from Jami today but I don't know how much to believe of what all she says. Nothing she says matches up with anything else I hear almost all of the time. She says she has been off drugs for ten days and is through the withdrawals, she says Breezy went nuts and accused her of sleeping with her man, (She called Jess from said man's phone a couple of days ago), and more, can't remember all of it. Her bondsman called me today looking for her and I told her that and she said she is going to go to open court tomorrow morning and take care of it. One thing she said is the same as what all I hear about, she says there are people who want to hurt her and that she is afraid of getting jumped. She says she is still planing to fight for Kira and that she wants to make sure that Kirk doesn't get her. I asked her if I could get Kirk's wallet for him so he can start work release and she said not until he talks to her. I reminded her that no one has been able to find her to talk to her for a week and she got a little shady denying that. Then she did say a minute later that no one has known where she has been staying. I didn't make any comment to most of what she said, I just don't have anything to say when she talks about all the things she is going to do because she usually doesn't do any of them and then blames everyone else and I just don't want to get involved in it or believe it until I see it. I don't know how many times she has told me that she was done with drugs and already through her withdrawals. I don't think it has ever been true unless she was going to the Methadone clinic regularly, which is still doing drugs, and she wasn't drug free for much of the time that she did go to the clinic. She says still, although not to me again, that it is my fault that she missed court in Iowa. I do remember her public defender calling me once and wanting to know if I knew about Jami's next court date and I told her that I knew nothing about her charges in Iowa but that I had just talked to Jami and would tell her to call her and I did right away. Jami just said OK and I assumed she would call her. Guess she didn't or forgot what she was told if she did.
Jeremy is working about 50 hours a week lately. We don't see a lot of each other but I guess it is good that he is making some money now. We both have a little money in the bank right now and it feels pretty good. If Jess could get on her feet I would have more but she is working at the mall again and maybe someday Patrick will start paying child support like he is supposed to. We have been hearing that his boss is taking the money out of his checks but not giving it to Child Support and that Pat is too scared of losing his job to say anything even though it is costing him in interest building up and costing Jessalynn having everything she needs and costing me to make up for him not paying all of the time but it gets to sounding like bullshit after a while. I hate to think Patrick is such a pussy he would let someone rip off him, not to mention Jessalynn, month after month for this long. Sorry Patrick, but either you are a pussy or you are lying.
All for now.

By By Long Hair!!!!

I finally did it. Mom would be so happy. I had my hair cut shaggy and layered shoulder length this morning. It isn't exactly what I wanted but it will do for now. I don't know anyone's opinion on it yet, Jeremy saw but he wouldn't say if it was terrible, but I feel better and that is what I was after.
Jami was a no call no show today. I tried to call her cell but kept getting a recording saying she was out of area of the phone was turned off. I wish I could understand what is going on with her. Besides the obvious that she is blowing a smoke screen of lies to cover up something. She called yesterday and said that a warrant had gone out for her because her lawyer had told me about her having a court date in CB and that I didn't tell her so she missed it. I knew that wasn't true, my memory is slipping a little but not that bad! She went on talking about not knowing that she missed court last week until I said, Wait a minute. Kirk told me that you missed your court date last week, the next day. How did he know and you didn't?? She seemed confused and didn't say anything else about it. Them Kirk called last night and said that Jami told him that her lawyer called me and told me that she would be arrested if she didn't turn herself in last night. Again, I would have remembered that! and i told Kirk about her call to me. Jami has always been a little honesty challenged but this lately is just really crazy. Kirk hopes that it all is about her not having her medication but I think there is more than that. She has been without it for longer many times and not gone off the deep end like this. Drugs and men cause her to act like this. Ithink Kirk must have heard something about Joey because he made the comment that he wouldn't care what else she might have done since he has been in jail if she would just stop and start trying to get Kira back. Kirk said she spoke as though she has given up on ever getting Kira back. I want to yell, But you didn't try yet!!! But i just don't understand the hold addiction has on her. Never have although I try. I can't imagine anything I wouldn't give up to keep one of my own with me, even my own life easily. But there are many, many women who make the same decision to do drugs. And being an addict isn't the biggest stumbling block to her ability to take care of a baby. It is the way she lives. This living in a half world, an underworld, blind to the people and years passing her by while she is down there . I just hope she isn't thinking it will all be here waiting for her if she does decide to return to us. Her children will be grown and I could be dead by then and she would go back down and never come back. Or maybe she is already gone forever. We all had some hope while she was pregnant and going to the methadone clinic regularly but there was that time I heard her say that she would be happy to be able to do some meth on the weekends once in a while after she had her baby. All the warning bells went off. The other day Jeanette said that she was grateful for Jami's last pregnancy because it let her have a chance to be with the real Jami for a little while. That made me feel so sad and realize again how Jami's addiction causes everyone who loves her pain.
Wednesdays go better for me since I don't pick up the girls from school. I can let Jeremy take the van to work and go to bed early and not have to or be able to run all over the place.
I had my infusion at Dr. Felony's office today. It was painful but if I remember right it gets easier. I am supposed to go for one every week for six weeks and start physical therapy.
I have to look up Jess's child support for her now.

Another One

Up too early again. Jeremy woke in one of his soaking sweats around four and I have been up since but I did go to sleep earlier than usual last night. I don't know what to do for Jeremy. I think there is something wrong but I don't think Fred Leroy can help him much more. It is great that they do the things they do for Native Americans but they are limited.
I looked up what is wrong with Jeanette. She has Uterine Prolapse, likely from Riley's rough delivery. Again, I am having a hard time getting help for her without her having insurance or qualifying for medicaid but we will get this taken care of. .
Should be an easier day for me. No kid pick up after school because it is Girl Scout day. It is hard with Jeremy working so much now but we do need the money so there isn't much to do about that right now.

Tuesday Morning

Another sleepless night, I think from the Prednisone I have been taking but I am done with it, just have to get it out of my system.
Jeremy got a nice paycheck yesterday that should help us get a few things done that have been put off. Like pay the electric!! And maybe I can get Kira some summer clothes.
Jami has done a flip. She is talking about starting to dress and act like a 33 year old woman, whatever that is going to mean if anything long term. She has the best ideas sometimes but just can't carry through very often. I always hope to some degree but I have become a little jaded with it and have a I'll wait and see attitude. So, maybe. It has been four months since Kira was made a ward of the state.
It is funny how hard it hit me that Gene is alive. It doesn't really matter in my life right now, but it is a grief I suffered so young and there has always been this sorrow in me that I know now didn't need to be there. I would very likely have never have seen him again after his family moved to California. I wouldn't have forgotten him, he was the first guy I actually liked, but I keep thinking if my world would have been different without carrying that grief all these years. I am sick at the cruel joke of being told Gene was dead. I am glad he is alive but it would have been really nice to have never have thought him dead.
Dr. Felony for me today and Fred Leroy clinic for Jeremy today, hopefully they will help him with that torn rotary cuff or whatever is hurting his shoulder so badly.
Off to start the day but I sure hope I find a nap today!

6 Kids Overnight!!!

Three big kids, if 8 and under is big, three babies, 15 to 18 months!!! What a houseful!!
Lesson 1: If you decide to make six kids root beer floats in a blender put the lid on before turning on the blender!
Not too old to learn new things.
I don't hear much from Jami. Very worried about her state of mind. She is very paranoid and angry. She keeps getting angry at Jim saying everything is his fault and making wild accusations against him and I guess me, too, since I was included in yesterday's. She told Jim that Jess told her that he came over here and the he and I went outside and had a long talk about keeping Kira from her. Never happened, don't remember when Jim was last here. Then last night she did something like have reezy talk to Jim on the phone with her listening, and the day before I got a call from her friend, Chad, out of the blue asking what I knew about her and I don't think he could have had my number unless Jami gave it to him to call. The sad thing is how out of focus all of these games are. None of it has anything to do with her getting Kira back. Making it to all of her visits and court appearances, getting off drugs, going to the methadone clinic, those are the things she needs to be worried about instead of playing these intrigue games. I don't know what she is really thinking at all. She got offended that I knew about Joey and denied everything which didn't bother me a bit and I let her know it didn't really matter to me, only commenting Yea, your father told me that you were done with Joey. Smoke screens, that's what it seems like she is doing. Making a facade of BS to not say whatever is really going on with her. Or maybe she is just that out of it. I know she has been out of psych meds for a while and she may be too far gone with that to do the things she needs to do to get them now. It is all sad and I have no clue what if anything to do for her especially since she isn't really talking to me.
Enough of that.
The first boy I had a real thing for when I was maybe 13 or 14 was named Gene. His family moved to California and when I went to ask one of his friends, Bobby Shitheads, if he had heard from him he told me that Gene had been killed in a car accident going to California. I went into a deep mourning and then started searching for information on what happened. I've been looking for Gene ever since any way I knew how. When I got Internet years ago I started doing people searches and got nothing but I also couldn't find him in the deceased on the Social Security site so I kept looking. Then I put a search in Facebook and lo and behold Gene is alive and well. Emailing him is unreal and I know it is really him from the things he knows. Some part of me just knew I would find him alive someday but I never thought it would take almost forty years!!!
That's all folks!

Well I'm Stumped

I don't know what is going on with Jami. She has missed her visits this week and I haven't talked to her. I have tried to call her a few times and got no answer and she left me a message last night saying she would be here for her visit today but no call no show again. I'm hearing terrible things about her and have no clue what she is planning or if she is even able to plan anything. Kirk going to jail has just been really bad news. I hear from people in CB that she has been seeing, some say going with, Joey Torez, which is down right frightening, and Kirk says she won't hardly take his calls and when she does she tells him that she wishes they hadn't had Kira, that everything is his fault, and that she now has a warrant in CB for not going to court on her old possession of methamphetamines charge. I don't know if she is going to the methadone clinic, Kirk doesn't think she will be showing up for drug court on Tuesdays because of the new warrant, and it looks like she is just headed for trouble. I have also heard that Joey's wife is out to kill her, not too surprising, but nothing sounds good. It is hrd to think she is hanging with people like Joey and Mike Watson. One of her friends called me today asking about her but I got a feeling that he might have been trying to find out how much I know, maybe Jami asked him to call. I didn't say a lot but I did say I knew about Joey. He acted like he didn't know anything about it but then later in the conversation said something that made me think he did. Whatever. I don't like these games.
I went to the ER 'cause I couldn't sleep with wheezing so loud and I have pneumonia. They gave me antibiotics and steroids and I already feel better. I've been getting sicker and sicker for a while, I got to where I forgot what it felt like to not be sick but I decided to find out. Much better.
Jessalynn is spending the night with Nett and I have Kira and Jaz here. They are so fun and soooo much work to keep up with!!!
I have been on Jess to get her act together better and she is trying even though I didn't think she would while I was trying to talk to her. I swear it was just like trying to talk to her when she was fifteen, rolling her eyes, making faces, and blaming me for everything. That hurt. She was the most trouble as a teenager, even more than Jami, and I put more into saving her from herself than any of them and this is what I get now. I tried not to show too much how much she hurt me but to talk to her I was the worst mother in the world and she was the mistreated angel. I tried everything for and with her.

Jeanette finally got to see a doctor and got her ultrasound done of the lump in her breast. It turned out to be fine but during the physical something almost just as bad came up. Her uterus is falling out of her body and they say she has to have a hysterectomy and that the condition is very serious. The problem now is no insurance and she is trying to figure out how to qualify for Medicaid. I think she should have Rob move to his mother's and then she would easily qualify. She had better do that if we don't think of anything else. They also thought her thyroid was enlarged but say the TSH test ws normal but we will have to be on the look out for taht ,too, with me having Grave's Disease.
Wow. Dont I have anything cheerful to write???
The spring weather is beautiful. I hope to be well enough to have all of the kids over tomorrow and do something outside with them even if it is just a picnic out back. I am feeling much better. I said that, didn't I?
Now that's bad when you have to talk about the weather to say something pleasant.

Easter and HAPPY BIRTHDAY lINDSEY

It is Easter morning. I have Kira, Jessalynn, Jaz, Jenise and Robby and have to get them ready to go to Nett's for their egg hunt and then the rest of the holiday things we do and I have a headache and was up until four this morning!!! Gotta put on the happy face and get this done right.
Ooops. I put hair dye in the kid's hair and it got all over them especially on their faces and we can't get it off!!!! Nett and Jess are going to kill me!!!! I don't remember having such a mess when my girls did this when they were little. AND it is getting all over their Easter clothes, too!!!
I am also sad that it is Lindsey's birthday and I am not allowed to talk to or communicate with her in any way according to John's rule.
That is just wrong.
Jeremy has to work today and is sad to miss Easter with the kids. He is working way too much. He is in constant pain from the torn rotary cuff and from the wreck and I am afraid he is going to work until he just can't move even with the medicine.
Happy Easter!

Keeping the kids another day

It's just fun having them all here and no one is asking to go home. It's not as nice of a day today, cloudy and spitting a bit, but I let them out in coats to run off some steam. Also, I developed a migraine after I decided to keep them so I need a bit here to get rid of it.
I'm going to repay Cheri for the sushi by making her some of my famous tempura next week on one of the visits. I haven't made it for a loooong time, not the best food for me with the cholesterol problem, but this is a good excuse.
I don't feel bad about doubting John's motives since telling Beaver and hearing how much he thinks it stinks.
Jami came for her visit today, back to her methadone self, which is much better that her meth self. She's a bit sheepish about her behavior Saturday and is back to swearing it is the last time so hopefully we won't see that for a while.
All.

tuesday still have the kids

It is a beautiful day here. Jessalynn, Jenise, and Robby are out front drawing on the sidewalks with sidewalk chalk, the babies are playing together, and I am baking cookies that smell great.
Cheri texted me that she had a surprise for me and she got here at 2 with sushi, salad with carrot dressing, and fried ice cream!!! The best surprise I have had in a long time and delicious, too. Jami didn't call or show today so Cheri left after her required 15 minute wait.
A couple of people have called looking for Jami today. Jim called and talked to her briefly at Sandy's and I guess it wasn't very pleasant so I think he hung up on her but I know where she is.
I got an email from John Perton today pretty much saying none of us would get any news or pictures of Lindsey ever again unless she makes contact after she is 18. I understand him wanting to keep her away from Jami but I wonder about him cutting her off from so much family that love her and that she loves. This included Mikey and his girls, too, so Lindsey has three sisters she will not even know when she is 18. I wish I could think that John is doing this totally for what he believes is Lindsey's own good but I can't stop thinking that it is his own prejudices and dislike of me and maybe others here making him do this. I know I always kept my kids as close to family as I could thinking that if anything ever happened to everyone they knew around them that they would know they had people who loved them in other places that they could turn to.
Then on the flip side I often think Mikey might be making a mistake keeping Jami so in the minds of Joey and Michelle. They love their mommy so much through him, even Michelle who doesn't even know her, has never lived with her, but they talk of missing their mother all of the time not knowing the world Jami lives in that has no room for them. I have to explain drug addiction to Jessalynn when Jami does things like make promises that she forgets or acts differently because she is high and Joey is the same age so I'm sure he has questions about it, too.
Jess is pulling up. Gotta go.

Here we go again

Jami showed up for her visit yesterday flying on Meth. I was worried because I hadn't heard from her since Kirk went to jail so I called Sandy and she hadn't seen her either. I made a few calls and when I called her friend Jeremy he said she had called him around midnight Friday saying she would meet him at some party later, that she wasn't in Council Bluffs. Mike Watson brought her for her visit and that is where she has been staying since Thursday. When she got here I could tell right away she was on Meth and she asked to talk to me. She said that Jim had told her that me getting Kira was something he and I planned. I asked how we could plan for Kira to get burned and she said, Look, I'm trying not to get mad at you looking at me with crazy pinpoint pupil eyes. I told her that I had asked Jim and Teresa if they thought that she and Kirk were able to take care of Kira a long time ago and they said No and that they were right, they weren't taking proper care of her since she was born. Cheri got her shortly later and asked if Jami had gone to the methadone clinic that morning and she said yes and Cheri commented that she seemed much more alert than usual for being on Methadone so Cheri knew, too. then Jami took me aside again and said that she had been staying with Mike because people were calling about drugs and that Kirk had secretly been dealing drugs "behind her back" like he could do anything behind her back. She is in "trash Kirk" mode since he is out of the picture for now. Actually, she is very scary in general now. I was in the kitchen and looked out the patio door and saw she had Kira out there with just a blanket draped around her legs and it was in the thirties. Jessalynn opened the door and told her to bring Kira in for me and Jami came in saying she didn't think Kira was cold out there. Then she insisted on changing Kira into pants and a shirt saying she was dressed too warm in the house even though I explained that it is cold on the floors in the apartment. Kira took off the clothes like she does unless it is jammies with feet or a onesie she is wearing so Jami put her PJ's back on. It was all just crazy and she has no clue how crazy she appears to everyone else like she didn't seem to know how messed up she has been acting on all the Methadone she is getting. I don't know what is going to happen. She talked about getting Kira in a week through family services but I know that won't be happening, thank God. Cheri thinks that Jami is happier being a part time mother like things are now, that she doesn't have it in her to be a full time mom and Jami seems to be clueless about what any of them really think. She also makes comments about how she thinks I would have a hard time giving Kira up. I tell her I would be glad to give her to them if I knew they would be able to take care of her. She seems to be getting back into the thinking I thought she had outgrown like she was when I had Lindsey. And it is all sooo crazy like I thought I would like to raise more kids after mine grew up!! Of course I will, any of my grandchildren will always have a home with me if they need one, but it is the hope that their parents will raise them and I will just be grandma. Jami thinks that Jess is in the same or worse shape as her as a parent and that seems to make her feel better and I don't correct her but that is soo far off base. Jess is a good mother even though I help her a lot. She buys food for the kids with her food stamps instead of selling them and makes sure they have a nice home to live in. Yea, she uses section 8 but she keeps up with all it entails and her bills to keep her children. Jami just doesn't see the difference. It is all so sad for Jami and for Kira but it is getting even sadder for Kirk. He is the dirty dog according to Jami now and will be blamed for everything that has happened although that will be unimportant compared to how Jami does without him. in the future. Jeremy and Beaver are worried for me, both say do not be alone with her any more while she is so volatile without Kirk to take it out on and I know they are right although that might be hard to do. Kirk called today and said that Jami won't take his calls and that she says she is done with him. I told him to worry more about her cutting him out of Kira's life as she seems to be trying to do although I assured him that Cheri has noted that he is more parental material. I don't have any illusions about Jami any more, haven't for a long long time. She can't seem to tell the truth about anything and it doesn't take long at all for her to really believe the things she says. I think I am ready for the attacks to come and the things she will blame everyone else for. The proof will be in the pudding as they say. She is totally irresponsible and I have to keep Kira safe. That is the number one priority and I have the memory of Lindsey as well as all the trauma Lindsey goes through still to motivate me to be strong and fight for Kira.
My shrink says I need a therapist to talk about all of this before it drags me too far down and I will get that going but for now this is my therapy. And the always good advice from Beaver and Jeanette and Jess.
That's all folks.
Thanks for your support.

Kirk to Jail

Kirk was sentenced 90 days today for not paying restitution on that accident he had last year. Jami called very upset and kept saying how they were so surprised, I was only surprised that it didn't happen sooner. I don't know how Jami will get by without Kirk but I'm sure she will figure out something. I just don't know how good whatever she figures out to do will be.
Jami started going to the Methadone Clinic again for "detox" although it seems like all they have done so far is mess her up more. She is higher than she has been for ages acting and talking like she just chugged a fifth of vodka. She said they started her at 40 mg. and then raised it four days later even though she missed the next three days. I don't think they have any plans to get her clean any time soon. I've always thought the BAART clinic just got them all addicted to methadone instead of narcotics for which they got paid and make a lot of money. Now the state is paying for Jami's treatment and I'm sure they will get as much money as they can out of this. In the mean time Jami is enjoying her legal buz. Even though I don't like BAART it really bugs me that Kirk wasn't allowed to go to the Methadone clinic, too, because of Jami's claims that he beats her. I wish he would grow some balls or at least a spine and take up for himself against Jami's allegations. Maybe he is afraid because Jami is so very convincing. When I tried to tell them at the clinic that Jami was the violent one they didn't believe me. Not only does Kirk get dogged unfairly but Jami will never get help to get better if no one addresses her aggressive behavior. She went on one of her tangents last weeks that lasted at least three days. Kirk got drunk and Jami kicked him in the butt while he was puking in the toilet and it was on for days. Kirk has the most Godawful bruises on him including the worst bite mark I have ever seen on his inner thigh. As always she cries that he just kept attacking her for no reason and that he beat her with a toilet seat. Her face is scratched up but those wounds look self inflicted although I do think Kirk fought back to some extent. They were here over the weekend and Jami kept taking Kirk outside to go at him some more and she flared at every little thing he did or said, same story as ever. Kira could feel the tension and didn't sleep at night until Sunday when they were gone and then she went right to bed and slept twelve hours. Cheri says it is obvious that Jami doesn't want to be a full time hands on mother and doesn't believe she could. it is all sad and aggravating. I pray that KVC is very careful about when Kira is returned to Jami and Kirk and I also pray that Kirk doesn't get cut out of the picture for the accusations that he is abusive. Jami tears my heart out and has no clue that she is so very messed up.
Jeremy put brake pads on the van today since Kirk can't do these things for me now. Jeremy didn't get the brakes bled so I don't know how the girls will get to school tomorrow.
I now have the plague that Kirk brought us and gave the babies who gave it to Jess who passed it on to me this week. It is an ugly monster. I wish I could just sleep through it but of course I can't.