Maybe its time

I'm in a new place today. I've always had some fear of dying. Of ceasing to exist. I've felt an overwhelming fear whenever I've been faced with death. Yet today I almost feel a longing for it. A real exhaustion when I think about continuing to live. All day I have been figuring out how to make sure those I take care of will be taken care of without me here. I have no desire to be alive beyond making sure what is left of my family will survive. There is nothing else I myself desire to do or experience in this life. I dont know how long I have felt this way but it has been coming to this point for a long time.
I know I failed at my main goal in this life, to raise God loving, productive, children. I had a lot more goals when I was young,  but when I passed the age to reach them I told myself that the only real goal in my life was to be a good mother, a good person.
I spent years realizing how far I had missed reaching that goal.
I still have no clue how I managed to fail. The realization that my daughters all actually hated me confused me for years. I still dont really know Why. I just know it really doesnt matter. It just Is.
I've thought that i could just be there for my grandchildren, maybe be something to and for them, that i could continue even as i wondered if i was just raising another generation to hate me. Jessalynn is the only one i believe actually knows and yet loves me. Truly loves me. And that has to be enough. I am humbled and grateful that she is here to give the life I have lived the meaning I wanted it to have.
Maybe we all die wishing there had been more. Why else would we yearn for a Heaven if this life were truly fulfilling?  I dont know.
I've never really considered killing myself. No matter how bad life got, and I have lived through some terrible times! But now, right now, if I can be assured that Kira and Jazz will be ok, that is all I have left to do.
Yes, Jeanettes unending attack probably is what has worn me down to this point, but I was already headed here. With the Emphysema I've expected to have three years left. Even as I felt some relief hearing that I still felt dread and a desire to do all i could in those years. Now I just don't want them at all. I certainly dont want to spend even a second being a helpless invalid within this family in this life, and that is how my three years would end.

Christmas 2011

So, Christmas started out pretty good, largely thanks to Jenny and Target. Jess, Jenny, Jami, Lindsey, and Riz showed up for Christmas morning with Riz and Kirk changing places during the morning. The kids were so excited and happy that I was feeling a little bit good about the holiday after all. I started cooking tempura maybe around noon and made the last batch around 10 pm. Nett got here in the evening but her kids stayed wtih Rob. Jen left early. There was something bad brewing with Jami all day and everyone felt it and the tension got worse and worse all day as people came and went. I took Nett home around nine and things blew out of control shortly after I got home from that. It was a nightmare with Lindsey hiding in the bathroom with the little ones. So it all ended on a terible note and I won't go into the details, we will all remember them well enough or better yet for get them.
Bah humbug.
The wonderful things.
Having Lindsey here for Christmas again.
Seeing Jessalynn thrilled with her Christmas and with the puppy she amd Jaz got.
Thinking about my mother, hearing her voice in my head, while cooking the Tempura.
Watching Kira and Jaz play with their toys all day.
Sharing the best parts of the day with Jenny.
Looking at Jeremy and knowing we worked together for this day.
We all survived.

Little Old Stories

I still handwrite journals although not nearly daily. I'm realizing that it is very unlikely that anyone will ever read them. Especially as my handwriting has deteriorated considerable these last few years. A lot would be illegible even if someone cared enough to try.
Even these likely will never be read even if I leave the website with the passwords for those I will leave behind.
Also, i have been thinking about the stories i have never written anywhere or told anyone. I don't know if they would be useful or mean anything to Anyone after I am gone. And there is a LOT I have never told about that I still remember. None of them are happy stories, but they could be things that could help someone to know.
I leave huge chunks out of my teen years out of stories, some of my childhood, and a smattering of things from my adult life. I'm thinking about putting some on  this Blog somewhere. Wondering if there are still some I can't repeat. Last year I attempted to share one of those stories with Jessalynn and to my surprise and her dismay I couldnt go on after the first few words. I choked and tears came to my eyes and Jessalynn quickly changed the subject to save me. 
God I love her so very, very, much!!!!
I have never expressed to my children or grandchildren that I desired them to grow up and be like me. I wanted them to learn from me and decide to be Better than me. Jessalynn has done this so amazingly. Yes, I believe I have had the opportunity and pleasure of being closer to than any other of my children and grandchildren. I knew we would have an amazing bond when she was just three but it has surpassed everything I ever dreamed of. My only regret with her is that I believe that she will be the most affected by my death. But, then again, she will be best prepared to handle and get over it
I reslly hope that is true!!

Morning

I love sitting outside in the morning, listening to all the birds, feeling the cool breeze left over from the night. A really pretty bird landed right by me this morning, black with a beautiful blue sheen.  It reminds me of mornings on the farm.
I miss the farm still. The simplicity, the beauty, and the feeling of safety even though it really wasn't safe.
I don't think I have felt the joy and peace I often felt there. Only 1 neighbor within a mile of us.
Now we crowd in wherever we can fit and afford. Sad.

Fridays

Jessalynn has made Friday our New Family Day. She came one Friday afternoon and then said it should be a weekly get together so now it is. 😁 We try to socially distance still but today will be our largest group yet. And it's a Tempura Day this time. Less than 10 people in the house but it'll still be more crowded than it should with Covid19.   It will be fun but exhausting.
We'll see what's left of ne tonorrow!!
Yesterday Jeremy and I got a lot of the garden in, happy about that, blistered hands, cuts, aching muscles but hopefully it pays off. 

Body betrayal

I do feel betrayed by my body, I wonder if all old people feel this way. I was always so strong, I felt capable of anything and everything. Almost any question of Can you I would answer Yes.
Struggling to get a garden planted. My house is a wreck as always because i cant keep it up. But i want to cling to this love of mine, growing things, so badly that i walk through the cluttered house and face the sun and earth. And it just kicks my ass. I got the soil turned and ready with Jeremy's help yesterday but went out today to prepare to plant and was in too much pain to drag the soil into rows.
Yes, I'm older, older than my 61 years after always being young for my age. My crooked body betrays me.
I'm not ready to be immobile.  To give up. I Will get a garden in one more year.
And maybe, just maybe, I'll figure out how to overcome this betrayal.
Or at least die trying.
I'm not at all finished with gardening or anything. In my head I still go hiking, chop down trees, fix cars, build things and rule my world.
I must Overcome.
If I planned to have a tombstone that's what it should say. She Overcame the Betrayal.

Later

Life can seem so normal if you dont look too close. Like now, sitting on my porch listening, to, watching it rain,voices of diddtefent neighbors gathered on their porches, too.
And then it hits you again. THERE IS A DEADLY PANDEMIC OUT THERE that is changing the whole world. It just isnt real. Like a movie about the aftermath of WW111 or, get this, a big plague. It's just not real.
Will life ever be "normal " again??
And how normal was our lives?? Five year old me would see the oreoandemiv world itself as really  crazy.
And again, what is that feeling? WHAT AM I MISSING? WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE??

May 16,2020

I very seldom know what day or date it is anymore. I hear that's a common thing since the pandemic and quarantines started. I wonder if journaling has also become more common.
I loved hand britten journaling.  The feel of pen on paper, the almost magical flow of words. It's hard to feel that like this, pecking it out on a phone. A laptop was easier to get lost in it but oh well, dont have that now.
Some days I am still stunned to wake up in this New World. A lot of days I have been terrified, that's getting less now, not because it's all less frightening but I'm afraid its because we are getting used to the New World. Add the word Order to that and you have the comments of a million conspiracy theorists.
I know everyone with any contact with others is a threat, including people like me who are careful to avoid going out in public and take crazy precautions when we do. But when a loved one comes over it is almost impossible to treat them the same as we do strangers now. I wonder if everyone is feeling this. I KNOW Jessalynn and Brandon still work in the public and live with families who all have their own levels of risk. Even Jenise,  fiercely guarded by Tiffany,  is still at risk from Rob having to go out to work every day. We keep more distant than before but not six feet and not always wearing masks. When Jenise looks at me longingly and lovingly I HAVE to hug her tight. How many of us will become sick or even die for this love before this is over?
And is THIS ever going to end? It is only logical that Covid19 is not the first and wont be the last threat like this to humanity. Do we cower alone to stay safe from everything forever? What would be the point? We all will die someday, many have extolled over the folly of dying without having Lived.
I have thought too much about my death during this. Terrified of how many could be hurt by me dying. Who will take care of my family plus I'm not nearly done teaching them what I need to. I'm not even through learning what I need to!!
So often, like feeling a word you are trying to remember hovering on the edge of your mind, on the tip of your tongue, i get a fleeting thought that there is Something important that i know, some missing piece of the puzzle, that I can almost grasp and then it slips away so quickly I believe I am imagining it. That sounds crazy. (At least I know that!)
It makes me want to silence the world, just shh and sit and meditate but when I do I find silence.
It's also part of the brain issue(s) I am dealing with. Maybe that's all it is?? In getting old, have White Matter Disease, a little dementia starting maybe.
But I am still very much in here.
Wow, and now I'm rambling.....

A Pretty Awesone Day (in spite of ..)

Jessalynn has declared Friday our family get together day. She and Brandon came the last two weeks and today we included Jenise too. It just felt so beautiful even with all the trauma and trash in other parts of our lives and families.
We played CAH, had dinner,  and then e everyone but me played a couple more games. Wonderful to have the house ringing with young voices and laughter again!! Good move Jessalynn starting this!!

The Jeanette drama continues

I really cant grasp this whole thing. Its sitting like a rock too big and heavy to lift, we can just roll it around and peek under the edges trying to figure out what the hell it is.
I never dreamed this thing with Nett would last this long or go this far. It was like some kind of temporary insanity that's become permanent. All my theories on what caused it or what could fix it have proven to be meaningless or just wrong.
The day Jenise sent me copies  of Jeanettes post about seeing me at Walmart hit me hard. Not just because of the hateful things she wrote, but because there was some part of me that believed still that if Jeanette actually SAW me or even heard my voice that she would remember who I am. What I have been for her and her children.
 Awfully big headed of me, I know,  but also just being a mother. In my defence, I have seen children who were severely abused by a parent who could talk about the abuse and see it for what it was yet be overwhelmed with love for that parent when confronted with them. No, I am not saying Jeanette was ever abused by Steve or me, just making a point. I really thought that she broke all communication with me because she couldnt keep up her lies face to face.
The truth might be that she doesnt think she is lying about anything. That's hard to believe, like her saying she never left her kids with ne to be with John Ways, but I JBIE she believes that because I have confronted her her about it. Like her equally ludicrous claim that she has taken care of me. She really believes these things. So very likely she believes the things she now says about Jenise, me, and everything that has happened lately. She does waver over whose fault this mess is between Jenisr and me,  but in no way can she consider that She could be the problem.
That's terrifying. For everyone involved.

My Household

I don't live in a Happy Home and I doubt anyone in this household is Happy. Good Times have grown so sparse I don't think anyone can name a recent one.
Quarantine has not helped this at all but actually hasn't made it much worse except for Jazzy and Kira. I know they miss at least the part of school where they got to see and be with their friends.  Jazzy awesome even comes out of her room and makes anyone who goes in there feel unwelcome.  I Know she is depressed.
The biggest effect Covid19 had on the kids was the nearly three weeks i was sick and couldn't get tested so I didnt go near the girls.  I can make that better now.  They both want me to resume teaching them at home,  neither of them like taking the online classes offered to them. I just have to pull out of my own funk enough to help them. And I Will.
Jeremy is the biggest source of discord in our home. He has grown increasingly mean and angry the last year and quarantine has definitely made it worse. Not a day goes by that we don't all hear him yelling and cussing about something and we are often treated to him displaying his feelings by punching a wall, slamming doors and stomping around.
His outright hatred if Jess and everything about her has grown intolerable. I tell him yo leave and he doesn't. I've net his mother and stepfather,  I see how he is the worst of both, I've just run out of pity for it. He's had plenty of time to See what has made him what he is and Do something about it. But. Like them, he is sure the problem isn't him but instead is the rest of the world. He's never gotten along well at a job.  Ge did break a record for holding a job working at Ford Storage but he hated it there because they mostly hated him. It does no good to point out to him that if you have similar problems everywhere you go then Tou just might be the problem!!
I just can not keep forcing Jess and the girls to live with this because I used to feel sorry for, even love, him. All the things I once loved about him are just Gone. I tried to tell Jess about what he was like when I met him and she doesn't even believe me. Not that he was ever perfect. There were disgusting things about him I saw from the start. But I, the All Powerful Me, believed he just had never been shown a better way to live, to Be. I Still believe there was Hope when I met him. I Must Have screwed up somehow in trying to help him. Maybe I am at fault for what he has turned into.
Or maybe he would be something far worse without my intervention.
I don't know.  

A Beautiful Spring Day

It is a glorious morning!! Sunny with a nice cool breeze! I'm sure it will get hotter later but the high is Supposed to be around 70 so it might just stay awesome all day.
I start most days full of plans, things I really want to get done but sadly my old body usually forces me to stop long before I want to. 16 years ago Jami compated me to a puppy, said I just run and run every day until I drop tongue hanging out unable to keep playing. I think of her saying that more and more as my running time gets shorter and shorter...
But right now, this moment, my mind is racing with all I want to do today. Even though I know I will get stopped short, I still love this moment. 😁