I'm in a new place today. I've always had some fear of dying. Of ceasing to exist. I've felt an overwhelming fear whenever I've been faced with death. Yet today I almost feel a longing for it. A real exhaustion when I think about continuing to live. All day I have been figuring out how to make sure those I take care of will be taken care of without me here. I have no desire to be alive beyond making sure what is left of my family will survive. There is nothing else I myself desire to do or experience in this life. I dont know how long I have felt this way but it has been coming to this point for a long time.
I know I failed at my main goal in this life, to raise God loving, productive, children. I had a lot more goals when I was young, but when I passed the age to reach them I told myself that the only real goal in my life was to be a good mother, a good person.
I spent years realizing how far I had missed reaching that goal.
I still have no clue how I managed to fail. The realization that my daughters all actually hated me confused me for years. I still dont really know Why. I just know it really doesnt matter. It just Is.
I've thought that i could just be there for my grandchildren, maybe be something to and for them, that i could continue even as i wondered if i was just raising another generation to hate me. Jessalynn is the only one i believe actually knows and yet loves me. Truly loves me. And that has to be enough. I am humbled and grateful that she is here to give the life I have lived the meaning I wanted it to have.
Maybe we all die wishing there had been more. Why else would we yearn for a Heaven if this life were truly fulfilling? I dont know.
I've never really considered killing myself. No matter how bad life got, and I have lived through some terrible times! But now, right now, if I can be assured that Kira and Jazz will be ok, that is all I have left to do.
Yes, Jeanettes unending attack probably is what has worn me down to this point, but I was already headed here. With the Emphysema I've expected to have three years left. Even as I felt some relief hearing that I still felt dread and a desire to do all i could in those years. Now I just don't want them at all. I certainly dont want to spend even a second being a helpless invalid within this family in this life, and that is how my three years would end.
I know I failed at my main goal in this life, to raise God loving, productive, children. I had a lot more goals when I was young, but when I passed the age to reach them I told myself that the only real goal in my life was to be a good mother, a good person.
I spent years realizing how far I had missed reaching that goal.
I still have no clue how I managed to fail. The realization that my daughters all actually hated me confused me for years. I still dont really know Why. I just know it really doesnt matter. It just Is.
I've thought that i could just be there for my grandchildren, maybe be something to and for them, that i could continue even as i wondered if i was just raising another generation to hate me. Jessalynn is the only one i believe actually knows and yet loves me. Truly loves me. And that has to be enough. I am humbled and grateful that she is here to give the life I have lived the meaning I wanted it to have.
Maybe we all die wishing there had been more. Why else would we yearn for a Heaven if this life were truly fulfilling? I dont know.
I've never really considered killing myself. No matter how bad life got, and I have lived through some terrible times! But now, right now, if I can be assured that Kira and Jazz will be ok, that is all I have left to do.
Yes, Jeanettes unending attack probably is what has worn me down to this point, but I was already headed here. With the Emphysema I've expected to have three years left. Even as I felt some relief hearing that I still felt dread and a desire to do all i could in those years. Now I just don't want them at all. I certainly dont want to spend even a second being a helpless invalid within this family in this life, and that is how my three years would end.
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