Invisible

 I am. No one sees or cares that I am in pain.  It is literally all Poor Jeremy.  I put 22 years into whatever our relationship was.  22 years of taking care of him.

FOOTNOTE: I get over this...

Gone

 It's always odd dealing with Major Change, when your world is altered. There isn't a lot to miss with Jeremy leaving because he's just sat on the couch for the last 2 years.  Now old habits need to be broken.  I still glance at where he sat on this couch when I walk by and am surprised that he isn't there.  It's not so much missing him but it can feel like something is missing from the old picture.  Like How long will that be thought of as His spot.  He's been with us 22 years. 

I might start feeling pity for him,  a lingering habit like checking his spot,  but I turn it off when it first starts.  Yes, he is pity worthy.  Most of his screw ups are brain damage. Not that he is always unaware of what he does and  says that is is bad or wrong.  He never admits to anything but his face will show his guilt. Like when he lays hands on people, strikes a child. Often in those moments some part of him believes that he has the Right to do whatever he does but he is very aware that there will be consequences.  If anyone saw it and I am not there,  he will begin begging them not to tell me about it.  

He is in his late 40s but behavior like that sounds like I am talking about a child of mine.  Don't tell Mom!! 

If I am there or find out later, he always starts with a denial. I didn't see what i say I saw. It was an accident. He were just playing. Then he starts giving his Reasons for Hitting, Pushing, Pointing a Knife, wrecking the car. Then it is someone else's fault if it happened at all. 

Update:

What he did was called "gaslighting"                       I just learned that term. 

Its not worth it

 I started my life completely over after Steve 23 years ago. I don't see that happening again. I Do have more support this time, Jenise, Jeanette, Jami and Phillip and a few friends. I really thought I'd  have more. 

I so very much wish Jeremy has taken the offer I made. It doesn't really make sense that he refused the house.  It felt like he was just taking what I wanted and needed. Plus his attachment to the car he doesn't take care of.  

I HATE everything about being back here.  The atmosphere feels deadly to anyone with feelings. I'm talked to like a altzheimer old lady or a small child if I'm talked to at all.  Not like the person who has always taken care of everything and every one. When Brandon was helping Jeremy load his car they asked where the keys were and I said that I threw them by the car. Then Brandon came to my room and, looking at me like I was the naughty child he was about to accuse me of being, he said, "Now Grandma. You Say you want him to leave, so just tell me where you hid the keys". I got up, went outside, and there they were. They had slid or got kicked under the van but they were there for anyone looking for them. No apology. Brandon left after Jeremy and really I hope I never see him again. Being worthy of an apology after being accused like that would have helped but just the Tone wouldn't have been forgiven. Not now. Not ever.

I feel Raw like I'm covered in road rash. 

Am I going to keep paying the bills Here and taking care of them? Funny, Jess came out and patted me on the shoulder and said, "Don't worry. I want you to know that I will always take care of you". No One Even Realizes That I Am Taking Care Of Them. Jeremy did a little driving and took out the trash when he remembered,  but Nothing else and has no clue that I've been taking care of him for 22 years. But I actually thought the others Knew.  For a little over a year Jess started keeping the house decent and cooking. I praise her Every Single Day. We lived in abject filth for years after I couldn't do it all any more. But Jess can't drive or take care of any kind of business that requires talking to, dealing with, other people. They all still need someone for those things. Jeremy refused to step up and take this house with those responsibilities.  Who will do it? And if I continue, what happens to them when I die? I've tried to keep going until the girls could take over but they are young and So Not Ready or Capable. 

But I don't feel like I am fighting death any more.  This last week makes that feel pointless and not worth the pain. 

Jess after Jeremy

 Here's another one who I will think I have figured her out and then realize I know nothing.  I know she got some very delusional thinking when she was using much like Jami has that I found out is sadly true about a lot of drug addicts. They can create and believe"facts" about their family that help them explain to themselves how they ended up and addict etc. Jess got to where I think she questioned her version but maybe she just stopped voicing it.  When Jeremy and I started arguing loudly she told me with sincere tears in her eyes that it gave her flashbacks to Steve and me fighting all the time.  I told Nett and Jami thinking maybe I was the one who didn't remember but both were shocked. It just wasn't like that.  Yes, we fought bitterly at the end but the kids were out of the house.  Growing up Nett and Jami remember one night of arguing loudly.  I yell a lot but Steve? He barely yells if he's on fire.  It was NOTHING like living with Jeremy.  

Then last night I tried to talk to Jess,  I made a little self deprecating joke and smiled as I did meaning to show that I saw the humor,  that I could and did laugh at myself,  and she looked all concerned,  spoke in the gentle tone for dealing with crazy people and asked, "Why are you smiling like that? You're scaring me"

Granted, I'm drowning in 50 shaded of sorrow, I couldn't see my face,  the smile likely looked as forced as it was, I think anyone else would have seen it as an effort,  not as a sign of insanity. That and the triggered flashback are Very Concerning. She really is of her rocker sometimes. Usually she is a cute,  childlike nutty, but I can't stand the acting like she is actually the only Sane one. Even when I am crazy blowing up and freaking out I can make a phone call without having a panic attack.  I double check my reality with others experiencing it to make sure I am on track.  We are all crazy in some way,  that's why we were instructed not to throw the first stone and to worry about the moat in our own eye. Unbelievable how many go through life without even knowing what those 2 things mean. 

Jeremy gone

 He left last night.  He HAD to go,  I've known that,  been advised that, for years, but I'm me. Just couldn't throw in the towel.  I do hate failure! I'm glad sometimes that my memory is going so fast, I can't look at my life and compare how many failures vs success,  I don't remember enough of either! I just hope my whole life hasn't been a failure. I hope there is more than that to my legacy. 

I was wondering how many of my goals in life were accomplished and realized that I can't even remember what they were! I'll see it crystal clear on Judgement Day. I guess I'll spend what I have left working to not end up in Hell for whatever I've done or not done. I don't even understand why Jeremy left the way he did.  I tried to give him the house and the van he had the money to fix it and he absolutely refused,  wanted his car. ? Maybe it was that the house came with the responsibility of taking care of the kids and Jess?? I understand very little of what he's done and said. Or maybe he just wanted the car because i wanted it.   

It's just a sad story. 

FOOTNOTE: He just wanted the car because I wanted it.  He did want to stay and have me leave and now he is like a lost soul.  He started texting me,  sounds so weird!! Like he is definitely trying to be a different person but talks to me like I haven't met him.  It is pitiful,  would be if I had pity left for him!