Its not worth it

 I started my life completely over after Steve 23 years ago. I don't see that happening again. I Do have more support this time, Jenise, Jeanette, Jami and Phillip and a few friends. I really thought I'd  have more. 

I so very much wish Jeremy has taken the offer I made. It doesn't really make sense that he refused the house.  It felt like he was just taking what I wanted and needed. Plus his attachment to the car he doesn't take care of.  

I HATE everything about being back here.  The atmosphere feels deadly to anyone with feelings. I'm talked to like a altzheimer old lady or a small child if I'm talked to at all.  Not like the person who has always taken care of everything and every one. When Brandon was helping Jeremy load his car they asked where the keys were and I said that I threw them by the car. Then Brandon came to my room and, looking at me like I was the naughty child he was about to accuse me of being, he said, "Now Grandma. You Say you want him to leave, so just tell me where you hid the keys". I got up, went outside, and there they were. They had slid or got kicked under the van but they were there for anyone looking for them. No apology. Brandon left after Jeremy and really I hope I never see him again. Being worthy of an apology after being accused like that would have helped but just the Tone wouldn't have been forgiven. Not now. Not ever.

I feel Raw like I'm covered in road rash. 

Am I going to keep paying the bills Here and taking care of them? Funny, Jess came out and patted me on the shoulder and said, "Don't worry. I want you to know that I will always take care of you". No One Even Realizes That I Am Taking Care Of Them. Jeremy did a little driving and took out the trash when he remembered,  but Nothing else and has no clue that I've been taking care of him for 22 years. But I actually thought the others Knew.  For a little over a year Jess started keeping the house decent and cooking. I praise her Every Single Day. We lived in abject filth for years after I couldn't do it all any more. But Jess can't drive or take care of any kind of business that requires talking to, dealing with, other people. They all still need someone for those things. Jeremy refused to step up and take this house with those responsibilities.  Who will do it? And if I continue, what happens to them when I die? I've tried to keep going until the girls could take over but they are young and So Not Ready or Capable. 

But I don't feel like I am fighting death any more.  This last week makes that feel pointless and not worth the pain.