Ok, that was pretty bitter!

 Still here.  Got to find My way out of this Bitterness.  I HATE feeling bitter!! This will end even if it takes clearing My Home to make it end.  So much bullshit. Fake smiling Jess. How did I ever decide she was Beautiful?? I just Wanted to believe it so very much!! When she stopped the meth and started acting Nice.  I was just so thrilled that it was over I never really thought about the fact that she never even acknowledged that she was So Hateful and Blaming.  I just wanted to be happy that it was over.  Jami pointed out her influence over Jlynn and Brandon.  Jess,  always pointing out the Bright Side of every one.  She must be an angel, right?? And the sand fell from her eyes.  

I'm looking at this situation.  How to fix it ot at least make it better.  I ordered a 'hidden microphone'. I want to know.  Yes,  eavesdropping never hear any thing good.  I feel the hush when I walk in a room,  especially if it's Kira and Jess talking.  I need to decide.  

Do I keep pretending that I don't know how much they hate me?? No. So I get rid of them and fill this house with Loving Family??  What will become of them?? I do think Jess, like Jeremy,  is far more capable of surviving on her own than either know.   If she's not on drugs she could probably keep up with a housing application.  At least I won't be there to blame if she can't.  And they could get Jeremy to come back and take care of them if they wanted.  Surely they could figure out how to pay bills and survive.  

I am hating this life.  It was supposed to Set Me Free if I could ever get Jeremy to leave!!! 

My anger at them doesn't help,  I know.  But What is Anger?? They hurt me.  When I tried a while back to get Jess to help with the J & B situation she teared up and said,  "But Jessalynn is my daughter!" And,  mind you,  I wasn't even thinking any thing bad about Jlynn!! But what no one will ever hear from her no matter how I am treated evidently is "But that is my Mom!" Yes,  bitterness.  

When they are gone,  will I let it go?? Will I revert to worrying about if they are OK, regret casting them out?? 

I always say EVERYONE SHOULD FEEL SAFE IN THEIR OWN HOME.  None of us have been able to feel 'safe' with Jeremy in the house.  His rages, temper,  and carelessness endanger him and everyone around him.  He is the main reason I was saying that for years.  He is finally gone.  I DO NOT feel'safe' with what he left behind.  Independence Day, "Peace. No peace". 

I just keep feeling

 I barely sleep,  I do nothing,  really. But Feel. Feel sharp pains over and over. Everyone's pain,  even Jeremy's,  everyone's.  I'm always talking to everyone in my head.  Obsessively.  Non stop. Today it is Jess. Last night,  many nights,  it is Brandon.  How could he be so very hateful?? I hear it,  "You just manipulate Everybody!" Over and over like the year I heard Jessalynn's voice telling me I was disgusting. Over and over.  A constant loup of Pain. Brandon declared that I MANIPULATE EVERYONE.  If anything. I feel like I let everyone manipulate Me.  I just feel old and useless all the time.  I am ordered around all of the time, even by the youngest here. Get up,  drive here,  drive me there,  take care of the bills,  eat this,  eat that,  don't smoke,  Why don't you go play bingo at an old folks home? I don't even steer my own ship anymore but I am Manipulating Everyone.  Oh. And he meant especially Jeremy.  Jeremy who I couldn't even talk into bathing when he needed it.  Who shouted orders at me all the time and Refused To Leave no matter what he did or what I said and then it's My Fault he has stayed for 22 years with me taking care of him and was unhappy. WHY WOULDN'T HE JUST LEAVE? I tell him and Brandon in my head all the time: 

"If she says LEAVE. 

Maybe u should GO.  

If she says that NO ONE WILL EVER ASK HER WHY SHE SHARES A BED WITH A MAN ABUSIVE TO HER FAMILY

Maybe you should believe her.  

And IS YOU REFUSE TO LEAVE AND YOU aren't happy IT IS YOUR OWN FAULT!!"

Oh I wanna scream!! Day and night I am haunted.  Yes.  I tried to make him leave before he killed one of us or himself.  Maybe if I were more MANIPULATIVE it wouldn't have taken TEN YEARS to get him to leave me alone!!! 

Jessalynn.  Telling me everyday for years,  You are a Bad Person for not making him LEAVE! EVERY EFFING DAY!! Then Jeremy meets Brandon.  Always wants to impress him.  Acts like a completely Different Person whenever Brandon is around until Jessalynn somehow Forgets The Guy We Were Living With while she was in Lincoln with Brandon.  The constant yelling and violence we all lived with.  Hell, EVERYONE in the house forgot as soon as I demanded he finally leave since he had a girlfriend.  Let her take care of him! Let him Abuse Her Family.  AND I'M THE BAD GUY IN THIS.  EFFing HOW???? It's like only Jami, Jeanette and Jenise haven't lost their grip on reality.  

I see them in my nightmare when I do manage to fall asleep.  Their sharp disapproval hangs over me like black,  stormy,  clouds.  

Pain.  Jeremy,  Jessalynn and Jessica just cut me deep and wide.  Every one of them without a thought.  NO ONE HERE HAS MY BACK. EVER. Jess hates me inside,  has hated me most of her life,  for outrageous crimes like asking her if she needed deodorant in front of her father.  For MAKING HER LOSE HER HOUSING even though I was there,  banging on her door,  begging her to come out and attend her meeting to Keep Her Housing. She was pure hatred the first 6 years she lived with me.  Wouldn't life a finger around the house.  Left me to do EVERYTHING until I couldn't and then we lived in absolute squalor when Jeremy"took over" cleaning and cooking and bitching and Jess did drugs and told everyone I was a cold narcissist. FOR YEARS. I was so startled when it ended that I didn't even question it.  Suddenly she's cleaning house and bringing me meals on a tray.  Honestly, the first few times,  I wondered if she was poisoning me.  But it was somehow for real. ?? No Apology,  that's OK. I'm just glad the torture is over.  I MANIPULATED her pretty good too for all those years.  Just took her abuse. And it was ABUSE. Meanness. 

I don't mention how Brandon hurt me because he didn't. All I feel for him is Hatred and amazement at his blind stupidity.  In my now very sick head I just see him on his knees in front of Jeremy taking it all. Believing every word he says.  Literally Eating It Up.  Taking to me like I am Beneath him.  Like everyone does in MY HOME but he is less than NOTHING.  

I'm supposed to be Finding My Joy.  All I have wanted for 10 years is to live In Peace living with drug addicts, psychos, an entitled teenager and another one who would rather get run over than say Hello to me. Peace. Why can't I even now MANIPULATE PEACE??!! That should be simple,  right? 

Yes. It is peaceful in a way since Jeremy finally left.  No one yelling,  punching walls,  breaking things,  stinking,  and smoking weed and coughing spitting on everyone while EVERYONE complained about him To Me.  That's over. But I am less than nothing here. Less Than.  Absolutely no one cares if I live or die except Jami here.  Not really.  They wanted Me Out and Him to be here. Oh I wish I could have given them that!! I would happily go play bingo and shuffleboard! But no.  Then my disability would go with me and they couldn't pay the bills here.  I'm useful for that all right.  I WAS SO HAPPY THE NIGHT I THOUGHT I LEFT THEM HERE WITH HIM FOREVER!! Oh they so deserve each other!!!!!! 

Venting. Venting at 4:30 am because I don't sleep. I nap a little at night. An hour. Maybe two. Until one of them invades my nightmare.  No peace. Even in sleep.  

2 days to Christmas. Such a jolly time. So happy to have lived to see this holiday season.  

"Clowns to the left of me,  

Jokers to the right,  Here I am,  

STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU.  

Yea I'm stuck in the middle with you

And I'm wondering what it is I should do

It's so hard to keep the smile ON my face

Losing control! Yea, I'm all over the place."

Stealers Wheel 1972.

Joy and peace can't be real here. Everything is so phony. It's all a bad joke. 

I hope they don't choke on it.  

I feel my heart skipping beats from not sleeping. It feels terrible. Wish I could manipulate myself to sleep or at least manipulate my heart to not beat me to death. 

This Life Sucks. 

Thank you sweet family.  We all wish I wasn't  trapped here.

With Dr. Gold

This starts with two long texts I sent to my Pain Management doctor,  Dr. Gold. He changed my pain prescription, lowered it by 10 MG a day,  but since I was living through absolute Hell when I picked up my prescriptions,  I didn't notice the change and kept taking them as I normally did until I noticed I was almost out of the morphine extended release.  He had cut my morphine by 15 MG a day and added an extra 5 MG of instant release Oxycodone immediate release.  I tried using the extra oxycodone to stop withdrawal but it barely worked.  I was told that was because my body was in hard withdrawal for the morphine.  I went and saw him,  told him I hadn't noticed and told him a little about Why I hadn't noticed.  He cried with me, said he would fix it for me, and did nothing. I have his cell phone number because I am a long time VIP supposedly, so I started texting, asking, then begging, for TWO WEEKS and no response at all. What follows is how this worked out. I'm sharing with you because it tells what happened Here and is actually kinda humorous now. 

No missionaries called or anything so forget that but I have read the Bible,  the Book of Morman, The Pearl of Great Price,   the Quran, and my mother was Buddhist and whatever angle I look at what you have done to me is literally UNGODLY. I have to trust you. You tell me u will never cut meds by more than 5mg at a time but you cut mine by 15 MG then by 10 MG this time, both with No Warning.   I explain in detail WHY I didn't notice in time to save me abject misery and you compassionately say "Well, of course you didn't notice what I did! I'll fix this". And then Nothing. I'm in serious withdrawal Out Of Morphine.  I've thrown away NINE pairs of underwear,  THREE pairs of sweat pants,  and I'm supporting and caring for a family of 4 on $900 a month SSI. AND that was only about the diarrhea part of this misery. I am really hating that u display the Bible and The Book of Morman, the Pearl of Great Price in every room but act like you never learned how to treat a suffering person. Yes I know,  I have to 'Turn The Other Cheek' because we have a contract that I signed about how I would act but u didn't sign one backing any promises you make. If u would only just bother to respond to my desperate messages! It feels a whole lot like hatred and I never saw that coming. Act one way and do things another. I'm not going to quote scripture about that because you know already. It just somehow doesn't matter. 

I was in a fog for much of the last year from the permanent damage after having 3 brain bleeds after an aneurysm.  Then my beautiful brother reminded me that my brain was inconsequential,  that my Mind was still there,  with everything I needed to heal and he sent me a 100 year old book called The Secret of the Ages that teaches exactly that and much more.

I've been telling Jeremy he had to leave for Years. I didn't understand how this was going on until a granddaughter sent me a description of a low IQ Narcissist.  I have been told by some,  even some therapists, that he was a narcissist but in my mind that meant people like Donald Trump but no,  Jeremy is his own special kind whose specialty is living on pity.  And I was a perfect target.  Do you know that I washed his feet when we met to tell the story of Christ? He just saw a "sucker". 22 years of hitting a brick wall trying to get through to him because he wasn't the least bit interested in his salvation,  just what he could get out of me.   Every time he did something unspeakable,  hurt me,  hurt one of my family,  he would beg,  promise to do better,  you know the song,  and I would give the poor guy another chance. Right before the accident he punched my autistic grandson in the stomach. I was taking Jeremy to his pharmacy for his meds to take with him when I put him out when we got hit on the freeway. It was months before I even remembered what he had done.  He didn't hit his head,  but I totally believe he used my blank memory to his advantage for most of the last year. While I'm recovering he's telling any family who will listen,  mostly the grandkids, and the agoraphobic daughter, Jess, who I've taken care of all her life, how I Was actually secretly Abusing Him. Then a granddaughter who is already an adult,  sent me the low IQ Narcissist info and reminded me about Jeremy hitting Riley. We had just got the accident settlement.  When this house was put in my name only I had insisted they make a new title with him on it.  The man who I supported 22 years now owned 50% of this house and i finally saw what he Is. I'm praying about the vindictivness of this, but I started playing the long game,  playing him to pay me back for supporting him.  All of our savings was in His Name because he said it would be better with my Brain Injury.  I wanted at least half of that money for the taxes and house insurance this year. That was what I saved it for. He never even paid a bill in his life and refused to learn how, he really is clueless how to survive without a Pity Party. When he realized I was playing a game against him it turned into all out war here.  And then the kids accidently talked about him having a girlfriend that I overheard.  I started airing on The All Humiliation Network.  A few days ago he came at me smashing everything out of his way like he does and I spread my arms wide and said "Kill Me. All I want is to unite the family you have torn apart and THIS will reunite My Family. DO IT." and it stopped him in his tracks.  We were nose to nose, eye to eye,  and he knew I was right. What a glorious moment to crap my pants. The All Humiliation Network.  I was absolutely hating you in the bathroom! Bagged up my pants to mail to you. Then the title company called and said the new title was ready. I asked him in front of the family (who he still acts decent in front of) if he was going to sign the house over so the kids would inherit and he said Of Course. We left. On the way there he asked if I planned to be a f---ing bitch and throw him out after he signed. I didn't lie,  I just said "What do you think? How well do you know me?" and he went in and signed the new deed. And when we got home I told him he needed to start packing and,  he couldn't have done it on purpose but couldn't have time it better,  he had a Grand Mal seizure.  Jess and the grandchildren screamed at me WHAT DID U DO TO HIM! IM CALLING THE POLICE,  not an ambulance for him,  the police. My oldest daughter moved in when she heard I was living in his Pity Party and she's the only one besides me who has ever gotten him thru a seizure she went to him so i just stood there.  I knew he likely wouldn't die,  he has them all the time, but it was the first time i wasn't flooded with love and pity, Me, the leader of his pity party for 22 years! I knew i was free!! and it was time for one of the kids to b picked up from school so I left to get her. The police were here when I've got here. Jess actually went outside to greet them so my oldest daughter, Jami, wouldn't hear her and she was so busy trying to get Me Removed From My House that the officer didn't realize that there was a man inside needing an ambulanceat first and he was the one to call for an ambulance.  Jami got Jeremy in a safe position and when he was in the postical phase she started texting me what was going on so I walked in ready. The police knew I couldn't,  well,  likely didn't MAKE him have a seizure. Jeremy gets really upset all the time punching hold in the walls and breaking things and doesn't have a seizure.  He likely hasn't been taking his medication correctly which is usually the cause,  and the police had already told Jess she was free to leave but she couldn't have me Removed from My House for this.  I calmly told the police that we were ending a long,  abusive relationship that seems to have everyone involved but it was between Jeremy and me.  The officer asked what I wanted them to do with Jeremy who was now awake and refusing the EMT service like always. I said that he obviously shouldn't drive today and that he should go downstairs to his Man Cave and sleep it off and the police loved that, less paperwork etc for them,  and they left.  I let Jami deal with her sister while I went in the bathroom and added another set of clothing to the bag for you. Yes,  I was bitter,  yes,  I am working on that,  but I just didn't need you not even replying to my request for help with all of the Absolute Betrayal I was living on The All Humiliation Network.  Jeremy slept it off that night and when he was clear enough to whisper that I was a Fucking Whore the next day , I told him to get out.  He broke everything around him and threw Jami on the ground when she tried to stop him. Then my Jess asked if I would be offended if she helped him load his things. I said that if he couldn't carry it he didn't need it and if she really wanted to do it to load her things in there too. ( you aren't the only one pissing off a woman scorned). He left. The feeling of relief was so huge I just cried and thanked God that it Was Over. And, sorry, but when I was thru crying I texted you. No,  I don't want to throw you out,  I just want to be treated with respect by Someone. I'm so wrecked that if I go into a store and the cashier speaks kindly to me I cry. But I REFUSE to live in bitterness.  I will pray and seek help until I am whole again.  Yes,  he broke me,  but I refuse to be destroyed.  I am supposed to Be Here.  

And yes,  I started smoking cigarettes,  two packs a day! I've Never done that!! Disgusting,  making me puke,  but it was self soothing even as it was self destructive.  I have my vape again since he left but weirdly my breathing isn't more difficult.  Hallelujah. I weighed in at 119 when Jami checked yesterday but I've actually been Hungry now.  It shoots straight thru me still but I have food input. 

This is a novella.  When my last marriage ended (also weirdly 22 years) I lost almost everything so I rented a room and decided I wasn't leaving it until I could walk out with no bitterness.  I was in therapy twice a week and it took me Eight Months but I did it. I wrote our story as a comedy and mailed my ex a box of his things that my therapist asked me to burn every time I saw him. The therapist said I was done there and I went to Texas to help my mother who was dying, able to care for and sing to her while she died.  She even apologized for the abuse I grew up with.  Bonus. 

That's the story.  I hope you and I can go on.  I have loved you as a human and respected the Godly man in you for 15 years.  I would like to find that again. 

End of messages to my Pain Manager.

I feel asleep and woke to Dr. Gold calling and saw that he had already sent 4 texts begging to speak to me. I got an apology and he sent in enough Morphine to get me out of withdrawal and begged me to please not mail the crap filled clothes 😂 . 

My Brother's Glasses

 Herbert dying was the hardest thing I ever lived through. It was a total shock, I punched Steve in the face for waking me up and telling me that Herbert was dead.  I remember falling down and then just screaming and screaming until Steve called my doctor, went to a pharmacy and brought home xanax and put one in my mouth.  It took about 15 minutes and I was calm enough to start packing. 

I was in disbelief and Full of Guilt. Herbert had called me earlier and I was working at home, finishing a difficult portrait, and I told him that I had to finish and I would call him back.  It took me several hours and when I finally finished I laid down and fell asleep.  

Steve told me that he died in the car I gave him in mom's garage from exhaust inhalation.  I was frantic, I called Mike and screamed"Was it suicide?!" And Mike said,  "Slow down! Listen,  I don't think it was suicide.  Just get down here and we will figure this out." 

I was on the next flight to Houston. Mike picked me up and we went to mom's house and grilled her about what happened.  What was her last conversation with him? How did she find him? WHAT DID THE CORONER DAY? She told the story.  She said that the last time she had talked to him that he had knocked on her bedroom door and was holding a piece of bread and asked for a little peanut butter.  That broke my heart!! I knew she hated that we made her take him in and now I know she hid all the food in her room and he had to beg for a little peanut butter.  That makes me cry still. 

I don't want to go through this in detail.  I know I have in long handwritten journals and maybe I will here later but for now,  Mike said that the key in the car was OFF and it still had a quarter tank of gas.  Mike had talked to the coroner who said that he had never seen that in a suicide which gave us a little peace.  From talking to Mom we were fairly sure that Herbert had gone out to the garage to listen to the radio in the car,  his escape,  and we thought maybe our mother had closed the big garage door.  I still think that is very possible and how that at that moment she didn't realize she was killing him.  The car was no longer really road worthy but Herbert used it for this and would have started it for a while when he did to keep the battery charged.  For years I tried to imagine that he peacefully drifted off and died in his sleep. 

Mike shook my whole world when he called to tell me about our brother's glasses.  Mike picked up Herbert's glasses in mom's garage and took them home and put them on a shelf.  Much later he picked them up and just kind of automatically held them up to the light.  He said that they were full of tears, that it was obvious that Herbert had cried long and hard,  head down, before he died. Whether he killed himself or not,  he died crying.  That was a million sword through my soul.  I didn't think I could hold the pain!! We both cried through the phone.  Mike had to tell me because he was going to release a song he had written called "My Brother's Glasses". 

I had to get off the phone.  Was this too much?? I was already in so much pain I wanted to die.  Oddly, my only comfort had been Jeanette saying that my suffering through Jeremy for 22 years had not been a test by God but was a punishment.  Right or wrong,  I needed so badly to hear that!! So many nights I have cried to God "IF THIS IS A TEST I AM FAILING!! PLEASE HELP ME!!" And I would try to be a little more patient with Jeremy,  a little more tolerant of his constant anger and abuse. But what Jeanette said rang true.  She said my life has run in 22 year cycles of punishment and I am 66. I don't think She had even done the math that 66 divided by 3 is 22. I was growing up abused in every way,  then with Steve 22 years,  and then 22 years with Jeremy.  She says it's over and in pretty sure I don't have another 22 years in me!! But I hope part of that punishment was for This Life,  for not stopping work and talking to Herbert when he called,  and for that I would live through a dozen Steve's,  Herbert's,  and all the rapists of my childhood and fell secure that I deserve the pain.  Yes,  Jessalynn wounded me pretty badly but that is totally wrapped up with Jeremy. Barely important any more.  

My brother,  Herbert James Kiser,  has more heart than anyone I've ever known. A after he died he materialized in one of my dreams with that huge smile, walking up to me.  I said "Gore are you here? You died!" And he said,  "I know,  and I can't stay! Just give me a hug" and he vanished while I hugged him.  I KNOW he forgave me. I just never figured out how to forgive myself.  I know I have to in order to move on. Jeanette will help me.  She IS my guide now, I am sure of that ❣️