I barely sleep, I do nothing, really. But Feel. Feel sharp pains over and over. Everyone's pain, even Jeremy's, everyone's. I'm always talking to everyone in my head. Obsessively. Non stop. Today it is Jess. Last night, many nights, it is Brandon. How could he be so very hateful?? I hear it, "You just manipulate Everybody!" Over and over like the year I heard Jessalynn's voice telling me I was disgusting. Over and over. A constant loup of Pain. Brandon declared that I MANIPULATE EVERYONE. If anything. I feel like I let everyone manipulate Me. I just feel old and useless all the time. I am ordered around all of the time, even by the youngest here. Get up, drive here, drive me there, take care of the bills, eat this, eat that, don't smoke, Why don't you go play bingo at an old folks home? I don't even steer my own ship anymore but I am Manipulating Everyone. Oh. And he meant especially Jeremy. Jeremy who I couldn't even talk into bathing when he needed it. Who shouted orders at me all the time and Refused To Leave no matter what he did or what I said and then it's My Fault he has stayed for 22 years with me taking care of him and was unhappy. WHY WOULDN'T HE JUST LEAVE? I tell him and Brandon in my head all the time:
"If she says LEAVE.
Maybe u should GO.
If she says that NO ONE WILL EVER ASK HER WHY SHE SHARES A BED WITH A MAN ABUSIVE TO HER FAMILY
Maybe you should believe her.
And IS YOU REFUSE TO LEAVE AND YOU aren't happy IT IS YOUR OWN FAULT!!"
Oh I wanna scream!! Day and night I am haunted. Yes. I tried to make him leave before he killed one of us or himself. Maybe if I were more MANIPULATIVE it wouldn't have taken TEN YEARS to get him to leave me alone!!!
Jessalynn. Telling me everyday for years, You are a Bad Person for not making him LEAVE! EVERY EFFING DAY!! Then Jeremy meets Brandon. Always wants to impress him. Acts like a completely Different Person whenever Brandon is around until Jessalynn somehow Forgets The Guy We Were Living With while she was in Lincoln with Brandon. The constant yelling and violence we all lived with. Hell, EVERYONE in the house forgot as soon as I demanded he finally leave since he had a girlfriend. Let her take care of him! Let him Abuse Her Family. AND I'M THE BAD GUY IN THIS. EFFing HOW???? It's like only Jami, Jeanette and Jenise haven't lost their grip on reality.
I see them in my nightmare when I do manage to fall asleep. Their sharp disapproval hangs over me like black, stormy, clouds.
Pain. Jeremy, Jessalynn and Jessica just cut me deep and wide. Every one of them without a thought. NO ONE HERE HAS MY BACK. EVER. Jess hates me inside, has hated me most of her life, for outrageous crimes like asking her if she needed deodorant in front of her father. For MAKING HER LOSE HER HOUSING even though I was there, banging on her door, begging her to come out and attend her meeting to Keep Her Housing. She was pure hatred the first 6 years she lived with me. Wouldn't life a finger around the house. Left me to do EVERYTHING until I couldn't and then we lived in absolute squalor when Jeremy"took over" cleaning and cooking and bitching and Jess did drugs and told everyone I was a cold narcissist. FOR YEARS. I was so startled when it ended that I didn't even question it. Suddenly she's cleaning house and bringing me meals on a tray. Honestly, the first few times, I wondered if she was poisoning me. But it was somehow for real. ?? No Apology, that's OK. I'm just glad the torture is over. I MANIPULATED her pretty good too for all those years. Just took her abuse. And it was ABUSE. Meanness.
I don't mention how Brandon hurt me because he didn't. All I feel for him is Hatred and amazement at his blind stupidity. In my now very sick head I just see him on his knees in front of Jeremy taking it all. Believing every word he says. Literally Eating It Up. Taking to me like I am Beneath him. Like everyone does in MY HOME but he is less than NOTHING.
I'm supposed to be Finding My Joy. All I have wanted for 10 years is to live In Peace living with drug addicts, psychos, an entitled teenager and another one who would rather get run over than say Hello to me. Peace. Why can't I even now MANIPULATE PEACE??!! That should be simple, right?
Yes. It is peaceful in a way since Jeremy finally left. No one yelling, punching walls, breaking things, stinking, and smoking weed and coughing spitting on everyone while EVERYONE complained about him To Me. That's over. But I am less than nothing here. Less Than. Absolutely no one cares if I live or die except Jami here. Not really. They wanted Me Out and Him to be here. Oh I wish I could have given them that!! I would happily go play bingo and shuffleboard! But no. Then my disability would go with me and they couldn't pay the bills here. I'm useful for that all right. I WAS SO HAPPY THE NIGHT I THOUGHT I LEFT THEM HERE WITH HIM FOREVER!! Oh they so deserve each other!!!!!!
Venting. Venting at 4:30 am because I don't sleep. I nap a little at night. An hour. Maybe two. Until one of them invades my nightmare. No peace. Even in sleep.
2 days to Christmas. Such a jolly time. So happy to have lived to see this holiday season.
"Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right, Here I am,
STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU.
Yea I'm stuck in the middle with you
And I'm wondering what it is I should do
It's so hard to keep the smile ON my face
Losing control! Yea, I'm all over the place."
Stealers Wheel 1972.
Joy and peace can't be real here. Everything is so phony. It's all a bad joke.
I hope they don't choke on it.
I feel my heart skipping beats from not sleeping. It feels terrible. Wish I could manipulate myself to sleep or at least manipulate my heart to not beat me to death.
This Life Sucks.
Thank you sweet family. We all wish I wasn't trapped here.
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